SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yup, this is why I wanted this discussion. But, overall I'm still of the opinion that I don't have to have immediate "butterflies" to know that it CAN grow.

What I think is that most men don't think the same way women do.

I've dated enough to recognize instant butterflies are very dangerous. They actually mean danger to me. Heat can build, so I'm not too worried. I have a basic attraction to him and I know that spark can flame if the situation is right.

What I don't know is how he feels/thinks/is attracted to/ about me. We are still chatting/emailing and I think just going to see what happens.

My self protection mode is still set to "no guy is going to see my value". I'm still working on resetting that and it is a work in progress.

Letting go of the outcome and just facing my triggers/fear is tough stuff.

I wouldn't say the guys I see as nice and trustworthy are boring. Some of them are very good friends of mine and I know how funny and smart they are and how well I get along with them. No lack of 'clicking' conversationally and interest-wise.

I just think it's wise to hold back the hormones/use them as the only gauge as they can blind me to the full picture.

For me, I got into my last relationship because I was desperate to feel loved, after dating around a lot and not getting what I wanted emotionally with guys I was very sexually compatible with. So I want to have a different, more thoughtful approach next time around, instead of just following my sex drive around.

Probably cayc is right about the strong fear of getting hoodwinked meaning that one shouldn't be dating. I'm not dating yet so I don't know how strongly that self-protective mode will still be around once I'm ready. But I do want it to stick around in part. I think I learned a good lesson about diving in too fast because of a feeling of clicking that wasn't grounded in important shared values or an objective sense of whether it was smart.

Now, if nothing builds with this guy cmego saw, that's ok. You can't force it. But allowing time and not 'nexting' when the insta-spark isn't there right away seems sound to me.

We're all just doing our best; it's not an exact science. There's a value in being trusting and vulnerable and in allowing a romantic feeling of connection; there's also a danger in it, sometimes. Everyone finds their own balance. You don't want to become too afraid and yet you also should learn some lessons from getting burned.

To me chemistry is about intellectual capacity and character & many of you seem to define it as sexual.

Chemistry is about all of these things. I don't believe you

can/should look at them completely independent of each other. It's a package. All grow or contract the longer you know someone depending on your experience of them.

In the early days your estimation is limited to what they want you to see. Same for them.

I'm focused on how *I* feel about them - it's their job to work out how they feel about me. Not mine. I'm either for them or

I'm not - it's not like I want to convince them to be with me. Nor do I want them to convince me to be with them.

This way what I feel for them isn't influenced by what they feel for me. I've made that mistake before. I'm not that interested but his interest has swayed my decision. That didn't work out so well for me.

I don't need sexual chemistry immediately but I do need for them to not be an immediate 'no' - doesn't matter how great the other parts are if the sex is a no it isn't something I can pursue.

This way what I feel for them isn't influenced by what they feel for me. I've made that mistake before. I'm not that interested but his interest has swayed my decision. That didn't work out so well for me.

^^^^this^^^fits perfectly for me too. In almost every relationship I've had. I now am focusing on what I want, need, desire, deserve, how *I*feel etc. It's working much better this way.

My first reaction to someone is the way I describe "chemistry", the sexual chemistry that just feels good. It doesn't indicate anything about the other person, because I don't "know" them yet but tells me that my interest is there. That feeling is sometimes very intense, but it doesn't tell me anything about the real potential of the relationship. I just "want" them. The butterflies for me are the excited feeling after I get to know someone for awhile, the "I get to see him tonight" excitement. The deeper more important feelings of "this relationship could work" and "I like who this person is", the intimacy that happens later is the real measure of a relationship, more than chemistry and or butterflies. Ideally, the sexual chemistry is present in all of these and gets deeper and better as true intimacy and revealing occurs...

I agree with the path of this discussion, "butterflies" mean varied things. Those flutterings when I"m happy to see the guy I'm dating are good. But a flutter on a first date can mean danger. I read somewhere that if woman is interested in a guy sexually first…that is all it will be. Women fall for guys via our brain, so if the attraction is physical, then it is doubtful it will ever be much else. On the flip side, guys tend to be attracted to visual first. If they are intellectually attracted first, and the visual isn't there, it is doubtful that it will turn into something else.

It is amazing men and women get together, because instant attraction is different, although the end result (wanting both intellectual and physical attraction) is the same.

So, how do you deal with (in my case) men, who aren't looking that deep? My solution, like you guys, is to realize this isn't meeting my emotional needs and move on.

*If* this current guy showed more interest, I'd probably be interested. But, since his pace is quite slow and not the "pursuer type", it chills my interest down to a friendship level. We are supposed to get together within the next week to go hit golfballs. His "pace" is different than my "pace", therefore I'm going to friend zone him, get to know him, and pursue other opportunities where there is more relationship potential that meets my needs.

The deal is, *I* want a relationship. I don't do well in slow paced, gray area relationships. I look at relationships like a ping-pong game. Two people have to be playing and lobbing back and forth for the game to continue.