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Soul, I'm sorry but you are the back-up plan.

Do you know anything about her Affair Partner? Is he married?

It sounds like she is cake-eating and the bad thing is you are taking it.

Do you love her, or the life you have? It sounds like you are the one who has worked hard to sustain the relationship and the family and she just basically shows up and goes through the motions of being in a relationship with you. Is this what you want? From what you've written I see no effort on her part and a whole lot of pulling away.

You can't trust her.

Sorry, but you can't.

k9

SS, sorry about your situation.

I agree with K9 - you are not the man she respects, nor are you the man she wants to fight for. You are the back-up plan, the comfort zone, in case the AP is not willing to take their relationship further.

Gently,

Your wife has bailed on your marriage for some time. She even bailed on her kids and your Xmas traditions, in order to be with this guy.

She has such disrespect for you that she takes him on your special intimate vacation. You have read where she mocks you with him, she has totally played you while she lives her exciting fantasy with her new found best love of her life. She lies to you continuously, she has no connection to her vows, to you and is happy to risk it all for this AP.

All your beautiful comments about how much you love, and connect with your wife, is how she feels about the AP, not you.

The sadness is that she did this with total disregard for you, the person who stood by her, who waited in hopes of being intimate again. You never had a chance, as many of us where we are totally blindsided.

You've been nice, supportive, and understanding for the past 6 years. It has not kept your wife in the marriage. Therefore, to continue a soft and nice approach is not going to bring her back either. She doesn't share those feelings for you, they are suppressed under her excitement for the AP.

As others have said, look out for yourself, you've done the STD tests, now get the legal stuff going. File for divorce and show your wife that you are not willing to share her with anyone. Seek legal advice to protect yourself and your kids. Do not leave your house again, your kids need you there and you are not the one to leave the marriage.

Respect yourself, wake her up to the new reality, show her the door. This is an ideal time to have her things packed so when she arrives, she must find a place to stay. The shock of taking her comfort away can hopefully awaken her situation she has created.

Let her do the work if she wants the marriage to work. Right now she is only kind of sorry for being caught.

Good luck, you are in for a very rough emotional ride. Get help, professional and close family ties.

I have been where you are. In the pain, disbelieving, so full of love and hurt.

The relationship we had was far from perfect, but it was solid at its core and it had tons of potential.

And this ^^^ is bullshit. If it was solid at its core, why did you have so many problems? I think you mistake your love being solid at the core with the M being solid at its core.

As for potential...whatever potential there was, look at what it has become. Why would you believe that the potential is still there? Really--why? Because you want it to be? That is not a reason.

I know this hurts. I know what you want to be true. I know you want R to be possible.

But wanting something does not make it so.

Right now, you have NO distance. Once you get more distance, through NC, IC, the support of friends, your own good sense, you will realize, probably, that lots of things in the M were broken, and you just were in denial, living in the past and on your unsubstantiated hopes for the future.

Cutting down those hopes is a painful, hard thing to do. But it will free you. Truly, they are dead weight.

Look at your WW's actions, not at what you want her to be. And let your heart accept that the actions, and not your internal projections, represent who she truly is.

[This message edited by norabird at 1:07 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

There is one spot of silver lining in this dark,dark cloud. You've read about the 180? Well, her job has given you at least a part of that as you don't have to see her and have multiple triggers every day. You may wish to take advantage of that while you can.

Heed the advice you got about not trying to "nice" her back. It hasn't worked and won't unless she is forced to fall back on Plan B.

Filing for divorce with her out of the country might be problematic. Make sure your lawyer (solicitor) is aware of that fact before you meet so some research on that unusual situation can be done to save time.

You might consider IC which may give you some degree of objectivity which you can't have on your own at this point in time.

So sorry....PLEASE do not let her call any shots. She will respect you more if you do not cave in to her refusal to share information. Tell her it is all or nothing. She did it...she hurt you....she hurt the marriage. You get to decide how to heal.

She is selfish and wants the control, because now she is the one that is hurting. She doesn't care about you or your pain right now. She most likely cares about the pain the AP and herself are in.

The biggest regret for me in R, letting my WS railroad me for many months. Just because I feared losing a man that I loved (key word-loved). It didn't take too long for that love to change to disgust as the months went on and the shock wore off. Give it time.

SoulShattered

I read your thread and I have one question for you.

Why do you love her?

Your wife. The wayward version of her is not the woman you are in love with.

You are in love with the fake version of her.

It looks like her. It smells like her. It even sounds like her. But it is not her.

Instead you are in a loveless marriage with a woman that not only does not respect you but mocks you to her lover.

Now I am going to say something. Not to make you angry but to make you think.

File for Divorce. Tell every immediate family member and friend why you have chosen to divorce her.

Here are what my reasons would be.

1. She is selfish.

2. She is a liar.

3. She is a cheater.

4. When confronted with the evidence she still lied to you.

5. When confronted with her horrible actions, the sex, the trips, the emails and texts she could have been honest with you.

Instead she ran into hiding. Now she is overseas running away.

And yet you, a man, that has all the reason in the world to divorce her just waits for her decision.

You let her control your entire marriage, sex life and the exposure of her infidelity.

I ask you. Why?

You deserve happiness. She deserves total exposure. Especially at work. It is where their affair has festered.

Your life will not get better until you take control of your life.....

HM

It sounds like you need to assume the marriage is over and file.

I believe that is the only remote chance you have right now.

She has to do the heavy lifting as they say.

Sorry you are here.