SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Every single thing that was important to me has been shattered.

What was shattered was your illusions, stunnedmullet. Even now, you have this illusion that your marriage will somehow be better, as a result of a successful R, because that will seem to make this awful thing worthwhile in some way. And maybe it will. Many here did end up with a better marriage than what they had before.

But for those of us who did not end up with a better marriage, it doesn't necessarily mean failure. I already had a good marriage, for me to expect better was to expect a lot. I still have a good marriage, however, I see it more clearly for what it really is, rather than the ideal that I want(ed) it to be and I still value it. My H cannot fulfill all of my desires but he does fulfill many and I still desire him. And that's the bottom line...I can still love him.

[This message edited by hopefullromantic at 11:37 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

hopefullromantic - I think what doesn't let it be a better marriage after A is that there has been a very awful wrong done to you and therefore it will never be the same. There's no justification, karma or an evening of the score. It just is what it is and you either let your spouse back in or not.

I'm so done with this shit.

I actually thought that we would ace this. That somehow, the man that I married would majically re-emerge and we would waltz through R being the poster children for the R process. As awesomely naïve as that sounds, I really, really did think this, at about the 4 month mark. If you can believe it, I even felt a bit “smug” at how well we were doing. Once I decided to stay and he committed to working with his IC, and was being so utterly open, I figured we had it made. Until, of course, we didn’t, upon learning about his porn hoarding and then catching him using the private browser on his computer.

I felt cheated. I felt even more betrayed, frankly, than on DDay. I had forgiven him for the ONS. I was working hard to get over the computer stuff. We were sharing feelings, exploring our marriage problems, and I was confronting my bad decisions, fears, and issues that strained our marriage. I was apologizing for all of that for chrissake! AND feeling horrible about it! And he shat upon me again. I was done. FREAKING DONE!

I think that this was when I finally grew up about R. That it was a process that was going to have to be worked every day. Every. Day. And I understood that if it wasn’t, if we didn’t make it, I would, truthfully and honestly, be OK by myself. I found my strength to truly walk away.

I think that this was when he grew up too. I don’t think that he ever really and truly understood that I really could and would walk away. The time we spend in different bedrooms, while I was essentially 180ing him, while I was sitting him down and showing him the financial plan that would enable us to divorce as amicably as possible, got through to him. The fact that he couldn’t just say sorry, couldn’t just sulk a little, couldn’t just get depressed and fall apart, that he couldn’t just produce some plan of action that would magically fix everything, filled him with panic. Because I wasn’t playing my part. I was looking at him with dead eyes, saying it’s nice that you have these plans in place for the next woman in your life, and then was going back to finances or logistics only. I think that was the first time that he really and truly understood the consequences. And it was too late.

It’s by the grace of God that we found our way back to each other. And we’re working every day. I hope we never, ever, forget that time of separation because it’s a sobering realization. And I don’t have my old H back, nor him his old W. We’re still in the process of re-creating ourselves. And that’s the thing that I never anticipated about R. That we would both turn out to be different people. More self-aware people. More realistic people.

I think at first, I expected that, at some point, WH would have an earthshattering realization of the damage he had done and that he could lose me and then all those pent up emotions would come pouring out...sort of a cleansing...reaffirmation of his love. We are going on 5 years and it hasn't happened...it may still yet, but it may never. I never had any delusions that we would be the same...some things in my M needed to change, but I hated to lose that soulmate feeling and hoped that "got my back" and "soft place to land" part would return...I miss that.

At first, it bothered me that I would never be sure that he is still here out of obligation, true love, wants this life or because he really wanted ME.But, I think that what 1Faith said is so true...

It is a journey it is not a destination.

He is here because ...for whatever reason he choses to and I wake up everyday and make the decision to stay in this marriage...not because I have to but because I chose to.

I am not sure if I will ever be able to say ..yes, my M has recovered from this...I think I am close to saying I AM RECOVERED from this.

Like Blakesteele mentioned, the personal changes have been incredible.

Sometimes when he says ILY, I feel like it is genuine, sometimes not so much. But I never take those words for granted anymore...when he says it I am listening carefully and I only say them when I really feel them.

I don't think R has been better or worse...it is just infinite.