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How is it possible that after all the pain, the lies, the cruelty that I feel better when he comforts me???

I'm guessing it's kind of like muscle memory. Felt good until the stabby bits came out and fucked everything up. Easy to feel that again since you're already accustomed to it from past experience. Also, easy to get fucked up by the stabby bits again.

I dunno, no real advice from me. I think the best advice is what AN gave you back there.

I will continue to work on me and building a life of my own, for myself. I will continue to try to change in myself that which I feel is unhealthy.

I have to, I want to, I just could never go back into that place of blindness.

The items on my list that I need for me to even consider allowing him to have a part in my life, slow is the word here, very, very slow.

All passwords, just an early warning system. Doesn't do a whole lot for me now.

IC, by himself with our previous IC/MC. He knows the history, he knows me. Along with the written release (thank you sissoon) for IC to talk to me and possible joint sessions, here and there if I desire.

Post and respond on SI daily.

I also told him that is just the beginning and that there is more.

Figured I would give the basics. If he really followed through, consistently and I could see actions matching words. Initiative for change in himself. Who knows...still working on me.

The one thing that makes this even a possibility to sit back and watch. I live apart from him. I have the beginnings of a life that I am starting to like. I like being me and I will never be anybody else again.

I will not jump through hoops for him again, I will only jump through hoops for myself. I want to change and grow for me, for my life.

If he is willing to do the work, it will show.

He would have to jump through the hoops for me now, not because I want him to suffer but because they are his hoops! He put them there and he has to find his way through them.

I am in no hurry, for anything really, none of this can be rushed.

I can't add much but I hope you are proud of yourself in the progress made...

Taking care of yourself as a BS is/was so conflicting for me as well...recognizing it is even harder!

keep moving forward for you and your sons...your H will realize sooner or later that the train will leave the station with or without him....

and no you are not insane!

He needs to be solving his problems to solve his marriage (changing his beliefs), not solving his marriage to solve his problems (controlling his behavior). Look for this.

Also, if alcohol has been a problem then obviously he needs quit, but also, he needs to continue solving his problems after he quits drinking, rather than just quit drinking. I think alcohol abuse is often fueled by existing emotional problems. I would look for this too.

AN always gives good advice. My first priority has to be healing myself. To protect myself I have to continue on the path to D.

If he is capable, motivated to do the work to heal himself it will show.

I do feel good about how far I have come but I also need to remember that I still have a long way to go. There is a lifetime of learning to unlearn. A whole way of living that I just never knew about.

I agree the alcohol and drug abuse, probably even abusive behavior and infidelity can be fueled by existing emotional problems.

Just stopping any of the behaviors does not get to the reason of "why" or change the behaviors to healthy ones.

Again, it is not my responsibility to change him. (working on that codependency ) It is up to him to find the help and follow through.

I can express my expectations, my needs but I have to let go of the outcome. His healing, if possible needs to come from him, for him, for the quality of his life.

Would it be wonderful if he could do this? Of course, am I skeptical? Definitely. I think I am beginning to see it as an illness, but the cure is letting go, stepping back. The cure for me is taking care of me, keeping my boundaries firmly in place, not trusting words only actions, any escalation of symptoms I need to shut off all contact.

For him? The cure is within him, he is the only one that has the power to find the cure, all on his own. He has to take the steps or find out what they are, all on his own. He has to want to save himself.

Hello old friend, can (which I believe I people started calling you as your strength pulled in). I am late to the discussion. You have rec'd some good advice from people who do care. Amazing SI peeps!

I wrote this a while ago so I will repeat now, I am rooting for you, in whatever you decide. I am rooting for you and when I read your stuff, I get the sense that you are rooting for you too! Keep us posted.

((CA))

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:23 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]