SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think for my WS the worst consequences from his infidelity is looking at the pain, hurt, sadness, loss of trust, loss of respect, etc.that he sees on my face & in my eyes EVERY single day! Also the hurt & loss of respect he caused between himself & our two grown sons, even though they still love their daddy & I believe have forgiven him. They say the best gift a father can give his children is to love & RESPECT their mother. My WH is his own worst punishment. He lost respect for himself. What could be worse consequences than these?

I believe if he knew then, what he knows now & had stopped to realize he could NEVER change the horrible decision he made, he would never have had an A. He's told me all these things so they aren't just my opinion. I SO wish people would just STOP & THINK before engaging in an A, but I realize that's not reality! 😢

When they touch the AP, their hands turn bright red. When they kiss the AP, their lips turn bright blue. When they dip their wick, it turns bright purple. These colors remain until they have a true, remorseful, change of heart. If at any time they think lovingly of the AP or the A after R, the colors come back for a time until they get things right with BS. If they should return to the A, the wick will turn black and fall off.

MillionTears. ...Thank you for the great laugh! Even though infidelity is no laughing matter as we all know so well, sometimes a little humor never hurts anyone! Like tears....it's good for the soul!

Now if you were 100% serious....hey that's okay too! 😂😄😅😆

I'm more with TheBestMe, plenty of consequences already exist.

There are (broadly speaking, and IMO) two kinds of WS: Those with remorse and those without.

Those with, come to realize what they have done to themselves and their family. They have to live with it, and I suspect that is more than sufficient consequence, maybe too much. I wouldn't trade places with my WW.

Those without have to go through the rest of their lives as themselves, who would want to trade that?

I pretty much think the punishment should fit the crime. But since there is no way my WH will ever feel the complete shock, pain, and betrayal that I did on d-day, I think Trying2LoveAgain said it perfectly. MY husband is experiencing the fallout now. Two of our children now know about the A, and all of our lives have been turned upside down. I am fence sitting, so H lives in constant fear that I'm going to leave him. OW turned out to be a crazy bitch from Hell. Fantasy land is over and H now knows that his A wasn't worth it.

As for OW, I truly hope one day someone betrays her, rubs her face in it, and breaks her heart. That would be the perfect consequence in my opinion.

If he had felt remorse, empathy, if he had cared about the pain that he inflicted on me and tried, really tried to make amends, help me, felt pain for me, that would have been enough...

but he chose to do the exact same thing again one year later. My thought on dday #2 and I did say this to him also, "you should have a warning label tattooed on your forehead".

Those who don't learn from their mistakes are destined to repeat them. He won't repeat them on me but I do feel for his future victims, some one that is a nice kind woman that he will abuse just as he did me.

Wow.

There are so many interesting answers here. Some hilarious, some sad (like the ones where the spouse seems incapable of remorse)...some other responses are just plain practical, some creative.

All and all a lot of interesting responses.

The cut and carry around in the purse ones are funny. I think that may make a few men think twice, at least, maybe???

I do agree that the BS should get all the assets, and a larger than normal child support check.

And, as someone mentioned the mushy junior HS love letters should be public record in the divorce settlement, if divorce ensues. That thought might stop a few.

As for justice, I agree with those who said, there likely is no justice. I don't think for me there is anything that can make it right, short of time and distance from the issue.

But this one......

When they touch the AP, their hands turn bright red. When they kiss the AP, their lips turn bright blue. When they dip their wick, it turns bright purple. These colors remain until they have a true, remorseful, change of heart. If at any time they think lovingly of the AP or the A after R, the colors come back for a time until they get things right with BS. If they should return to the A, the wick will turn black and fall off.

Hmmm! That one might actually work as a deterrent. It's sort of like the Pinocchio effect.

If not, it's definitely the most creative solution mentioned thus far.

Justice would be if you become strong, happy and indifferent towards him.

Indifference and happiness could mean you found other interests, friends and perhaps another SO. When you reach that point, you can kick his ass out if you like.

Of course it takes some time, but it's worth it.

Karma never misses a door.

To all the Betrayed spouses, what would you like the consequence for cheating to be?

Legally - I could get behind divorce laws favoring the BS in infidelity cases.

In reality - the only person who can give consequences to the WS is the BS, and in the aftermath we are often too devastated to do what needs to be done. Many lists have been posted to SI about what to demand of WS when discovery is made, and what to do if the list is ignored or not given the full attention of the WS. KICK THEIR ASSES OUT! Instead we make arbitrary lines in the sand that get pushed back time and time again. We make excuses as to why our WS are not 100% in R and doing all they can and more to help us heal. We decide it is easier to stay than to leave, and the WS gets rewarded for their behavior, and then we pull our hair out when they do it again and again and again.

As for the remorseful WS that feel the weight of the devastation they have poured onto to their BS. At best, comparatively, it is but a pittance to the pain and anguish they caused.

No, there is no fair in infidelity.

Do you think if there were more serious consequences that your spouse would have refrained from cheating?

No, he knew when caught his name would be trashed and people would see him as tainted, and he did it anyway.

Even tightening divorce laws to favor the BS will not stop infidelity. Some states still have fault divorce laws and people still cheat, lie and betray.

If we want our WS to pay for their crimes against us, we have to be willing to hand them their consequences and stand behind our words. We are the judge and jury for them, and we fail for a myriad reasons.

Justice would be if you become strong, happy and indifferent towards him.

Indifference and happiness could mean you found other interests, friends and perhaps another SO. When you reach that point, you can kick his ass out if you like.

Of course it takes some time, but it's worth it.

Now this, I can get behind!

Color-coded infidelity . . . brilliant! The addition I would make is that their hair turns some shade (whatever color they most hate) whenever their brains dwell on another. EAs would be more noticeable that way.

But if the WS is, at heart, a person who feels shame and guilt and they find themselves living a life with a spouse whose given them the gift of R, a life that's, for them, open and loving and they're at peace with their demons, they will also live forever with the guilt and shame knowing the damage they wrought on the person they love more today because of that person's gracious gift of reconciliation and a second chance.

I'm witnessing this up close and personal right now and have to say I could never dream up a consequence that would punish WH more than this.

I don't think any consequence would have stopped him. He was certain he hadn't done anything wrong.

A consequence for my safety? WH has scheduled a vasectomy

I'm in a weird place in that I am not even concerned if we are together 20 years from now so much more that there are no more "puppies" ... I am so done with living jerry springer

justice will be us in a better place = better selves regardless of where exactly = ala kintsugi pottery (sealed and sanctified)

What I wish for us him having a week feeling the same crushing devastation that I am feeling.

This has made me suicidal, self harming and I honestly don't think I can ever recover from it fully. I want him to endure this pain too, maybe then he will truly understand. But I know that won't happen and again I get caught up in how unfair this situation is.

I hAte this life he has given me. Thank god for my kids, a great GP, psychologist and hopefully a psychiatrist that will be able to help keep me at least functioning for now

what I wish for him is a week of the same crushing devastation..

Stunned Mullet:

I a surprised that you are the only one to mention this.

I agree, and I have often felt the same.

what I wish for him is a week of the same crushing devastation..

I understand having fleeting thoughts of this. However, when I really thought about it, there is no way I would want my FWH to feel the way I felt. I love him! Why in the world would I want him to feel the crushing pain and devastation that I felt? The only person I would wish this pain on is the unremorseful cumdumpster who was the partner in crime with my FWH.

I understand having fleeting thoughts of this. However, when I really thought about it, there is no way I would want my FWH to feel the way I felt. I love him!

You can love someone and still realize the they need consequences for bad behavior, the consequences are for there own good, too.

Being branded a cheater is not a good label for someone.

It can harm one's career, business, can lead to false claims of rape or civil law suits, can cause death by an angry OW's husband, and can lead to the death of a wife, if the OW goes bonkers when dumped.

Also exposing oneself to deadly STDs that are more likely to be spread by engaging with a serial cheater is not healthy and can be deadly.

Why in the world would I want him to feel the crushing pain and devastation that I felt?

The same reason why you might briefly touch a child's hand against a hot radiator to show them WHY they need to avoid touching the HOT radiator?

If you have children then you know you can tell them until you are blue in the face not to touch the hot radiator, but until you show them how it feels, they will continue to hover closer and closer without a care or concern.

People learn best by example, Humans are not to far from chimps in that respect.

As Maya Angelou once said: Maya Angelou — 'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

Beyond that an affair typically devastates the cheater's entire family. Their children, their spouses, their parents.

So, if their are no consequences for bad behavior what would be the motivation to stop?

Feeling the pain they caused their spouse, children and family is to my mind the consequence most likely to cause a cheating spouse to finally feel true remorse.

Lastly, its normal to hold some hatred for someone who betrayed you. You can both love them in some ways and still hate them.

There are many degrees of love, too.

Unless a person is co-dependent or has Stockholme syndrome, it is NORMAL to hold some hatred for someone who betrayed you, physically, sexually, and his entire family physically and financially.

You can love someone and still realize the they need consequences for bad behavior, the consequences are for there own good, too.

Agreed! And if my particular FWH wasn't remorseful and doing what needs to be done, I would be divorcing him and have no qualms wishing for him to have the same crushing pain and devastation that I have endured stemming from his infidelity.

However, since I do love him, and we are reconciling, I would never want him to experience that kind of pain and devastation. Love to me is wanting only happiness, safety, and comfort for our spouses. I would never wish crushing pain on anyone I love.

FWIW, I am a mother of 4, 3 surviving. I didn't teach my children the way you did. I didn't throw them in front of a car in the street to teach them about looking both ways, I never had them touch fire to learn that it can burn you, I didn't throw them in a pool to teach them about drowning, etc. etc.

I hate to sound so cliche, but I honestly feel that if someone wants to do something BAD enough, they're going to find a way to do it. Setting severe limits or drastic consequences if they cheat still won't guarantee a 'true blue' spouse.

Quite honestly, I really don't want to be with a man who 'fears the punishment he'll receive' if he cheats on me. If I have to use a severe punishment as an incentive for him to keep his pants zipped, then I don't want to be with him. I'd rather be alone.

It's funny, but I knew that my ex-BF was in touch with his fat ass OW and that she was coming around and helping out at the new business he was building. I had the ability to show up there and embarrass both of them by having a public melt-down but I didn't bother. Nor did I bother to block her from being able to call him on his cell or his business phone. As I said above, people are going to do what they WANT to do and we can't control that, even with stiff 'penalties' in place.

JMHO, of course.