SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mine was pursued relentlessly for 14 years. He left the military and my career in the corporate world took off (60-70 hour weeks). Our marriage hit a rough spot and he was diagnosed with depression and PTSD. Next thing I know he is in a full blown physical affair. 14 years later and although we are happily reconciled, I still have to deal with the skank pursuing him because she's BFF's with his mommy. And that effed up relationship is one I could write a book on.

My WW was pursued starting on FB and then text messages and phone calls. It was a long distance EA which turned into a weekend long PA. OM had no intention of any sort of relationship, he just wanted to get laid and I am sure he was pleasantly surprised that his campaign worked on her. She began to enjoy his attention from his texts and later began to crave the attention. She fell right into his trap, he played her like a violin.

It really makes no difference but it did make me feel a little better realizing it wasn't her who did the pursuing. I later communicated with two of the OM's ex-GF's and found out that he is in continual contact with women via FB trying to work his way in with many at once. It is the law of averages, if he tries with ten and gets lucky with one or two then his game is worth it in his eyes. Then he finds new ones to PM and on and on it goes...

Both

OW1 - she pursued him. She sent the first texts (she worked a different shift). Every morning, the first text was sent by her. She initiated sex the first time. She called him when he was at home. She asked him to make her a Christmas gift when she learned he had made wooden gifts for our family. She asked him to 'save her a seat" at their Christmas event at work (read: be my unofficial date). She asked him to buy her a necklace and she picked it out. She asked to see pictures of me and my children. She asked him "what happened with Lark" so that she would know why he was even with her. After her husband found out, she did a false NC and then emailed my husband. She initiated 95% of the emails to him. She called him 2-3x a week after this false NC. When he tried to "end it" (which he did poorly and with a lot of "I love you but we just cant"), she askd if she could call him for "important" things, and he said yes, so of course she continued.

He willingly jumped in on all of it, of course, so he is still 100% responsible for everything and it's almost more sickening in a way that ok he didn't initiate it, he just didn't care enough to say no.... to anything.

OW2: He pursued her. Though it wasn't quite as unequal as it was with OW1. So ti was more like 70/30 with OW2 with him as pursuer. He'd ask her "do you want to hang out" codeword for let's go have sex. He initiated morning texts. etc.

OW was a 26-yo student in fWH's college class. One night she stayed after class to gush at him about how wonderful he was. Without skipping a beat, he invited her to accompany him to a campus event that very night! From there they went on to lunches, after class BJs, etc. so I'd say it was 50/50.

My WS joined E-harmony! (What could be more insulting than that!)

OW was the aggressor all the way through the A. She took him to lunch and told him she wanted to sleep with him. She called him and text ed and then sex-ted for hundreds of hours a week,to which he would respond. She even told him to meet her somewhere just to talk but brought everything needed to have sex with him. He just did what he was told. He says he enjoyed the attention and the fact that she thought he was the greatest man she ever met. Oh please, He clearly had his head up his ass so he didn't think about any of it. I guess when your head is so far up and someone starts undressing you it is hard to do anything like saying no!

My xWH was the one to make the first physical move. He kissed her. He explained to me that he kissed her first because, and I quote verbatim, "I knew she would never kiss me first." However, after speaking with the OW's BBF, I have been informed that he recognized OW was doing all of the things that she had done to pursue her last WS (yea, her MO is trying to have affairs with married men). He noticed her beginning to care more about her hair and nails and her taste in music changed, I suppose to match my xWH's preferences.

Anyway, I'm certain she was planting the idea very subtly because xWH was usually clueless about those things but he made the first actual move.

I think probably in many cases it is 50/50 or close to it, but in other cases one is initially the main pursuant. Some will also say it does not matter who pursued who. It does matter to me.

In my first M, evidence is that my XH did most of the pursuing since he had prostitutes, ONS with sluts he met on the CB radio, and at least told one EA/PA that he was divorced. (So I am guessing he would have told any of them whatever was needed to get them involved).

With my current H, the whore pursued him first, using his mother's and DD's deaths as her inroad knowing he would be most vulnerable to her attentions.

Our MC, who was W's IC before and during the A, is convinced that my W was manipulate into the A, and I agree, but there's a twist.

My W was manipulated into initiating the sex.

I call it 100%/100%.

OW was psychopathic pursuer. Waited till vulnerability presented itself and then she tried (unsuccessfully) to destroy a family.

FWH is 100% responsible for his actions. But had she not been a sick and manipulative pursuer...we would never have been dealing with this. He experienced a few losses in a very short time and slipped into the rabbit hole. She saw her opportunity after lying in wait for a couple of years. Perfect storm scenario.

OW is non entity now. We are happy and have wonderful plans ahead. Yes, 3-5 year journey due to her....but we bent but did not break.

[This message edited by tryin2havefaith at 1:45 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

He pursued her to make my most recent dday, he was NC for months and than started visiting her work so I wouldn't see phone records yuck.

He did, alas. (Not that it took much effort. And yes, she knew he was married, and had met me and our children.)

Bizarrely, two years ago he was very actively pursued by someone really gorgeous (I've seen her and can confirm this), and was seriously tempted but managed to resist. The one he actually slept with? Not attractive at all. And yet he went out of his way to pursue her.

One of the many things I just do not get.

[This message edited by ReconcilingWife at 3:36 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

OW pursued him, she had even put her mind on him before knowing him. She had heard about him through a common friend of theirs, and was apparently warned by this common friend from the beginning about the fact that he was in a relationship. It didn't stop her.

Though this said, XWSO enjoyed every minute of it, and don't think it took him a blink of an eye to start flirting back.

yes.

WSO with much younger woman (girl really the first time)... she followed him into the men's room at a bar and had sex with him there. More than once. That was DD #1. Second A, lasting 5 years... she saw him driving on the road and got him to pull over and they went for a drink "to talk". Bathroom/sex/rinse and repeat. That was DD #2, she wrote me a letter to tell me all about it when he was trying to break it off with her because she was pressuring him to leave me. DD #3 is on him, though. He contacted her because he felt our relationship was over and he was unappreciated. Based on past performance.... I guess she was easier than talking to me about it.

Does it matter? Not really. They should come with the logo on their forehead..."just say no!"

My wife was flattered by the OM because he said his keys were groing in his pocket by the sight of her. Mind you this guy is a 55 year man twice her age. A few weeks later and they're fucking. I've been told it was him and he's said it was her. You should've seen them pointing the finger at one another the DDay like two kids. Who really knows when it comes to liars.

He'd been using prostitutes, but OW never knew that. She got into his car and told him she'd had 'feelings' for him for the last 15 years.

He took that as an invitation for sex, and free sex at that, so he began to text her to meet up.

He only pursued her because he thought he was in with a chance of a freebie. There was never the slippery slope of an EA.

And she just wanted a wealthy (ha!) man to keep her because she was being put under pressure by the UK benefits system to get a job rather than actually work to support herself, she wanted my husband (or any man) to keep her instead.

Ugh!

[This message edited by Healinggirl at 4:25 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

OW was the wife of my WH's best friend. She started calling WH and wanted us to all start hanging out together. One day she invited my WH over to watch a video about the Mormon church. He went over and she climbed in his lap and stuck her tongue down his throat. The rest is history.

I don't care if she made the first move. My WH went along with it. loser.

I think best answer for me is...BOTH.

OW definitely pursued the initial A, EA, and continuing. BUT, I think WH pursued the eventual PA and she just went along to keep the EA and the connection. Either way, he was a willing participant.

My first time around here, my xGF was pursued, but only if you call standing still pursuit. The OM was a serial pursuer that preyed on women that were married or had BFs because that meant they were less likely to make waves. He was/is a Dr. and did all the chasing at work.

My exGF was right that everyone at her work knew she had a BF, but she never mentioned me when the OM came around sniffing. He saw the weakness and kept pushing. She saw a way of hurting me and pushing me further down to keep me under her thumb so she tortured me with talking about him for six months. They took it more physical and I found out and wanted to work on us, so she figured she would destroy me mentally and emotionally. It worked, I left, we didn't break up, and she started cheating.

After she finally broke up with me, I was still a mess for a couple of weeks, then I decided that I had to move on. Guess what, she wanted me back. Of course since I was 1200 miles away she kept up her affair. Her reason for wanting me back is that she couldn't imagine me being with anyone else. Oh the irony.

It took me four more years to finally extricate myself from that abusive place. I think that's part of my self-loathing.