SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Heartbroken...I am glad to hear it I keep hearing that it does get easier so that does give me some hope...

Dear Prtyinpink...it's an obsession I am trying very hard to overcome. After all, I am quite certain that other than the few people we have chosen to tell, no one would be thinking this of us. I had a divorced mother of my daughters friend say to me the other day "What I wouldn't give to have a marriage like yours." My response was "What? You don't think that there are some days I'd like to flatten him?" Maybe, some day that joke will be replaced with a simple 'Thank you.'

Yes I can. My WH had a ONS after a night out drinking. It was with someone he knew that moved out of the area and was visiting. Anyway he said he was so drunk he "couldn't" and they just held each other. Hurts to even put this out there. I believe him but still feel like the intent was there. If he could have he probably would have. I love him and have told him I forgive him. It's been just 3 months and i still feel so sad sometimes. How do I really forgive him and will our relationship ever be the same. I thought we were solid!

My husband paid for oral sex from a prostitute. He says it only happened one time. I found out when I saw a picture of him naked – excited – that he had sent to someone online.

I am so sorry for your pain. I just wanted to say a couple of things to you.

First of all, it is just my humble opinion that any of us who feel that we have a "fairytale marriage" are perhaps kidding ourselves. I felt the same way, but now I don't believe there is any such thing. And I think that it can be a little dangerous to consider your relationship or marriage as "fairytale". It can give us a false sense of security and stability, and maybe keep us from working hard at it.

Also, I would not think that you should be "happy" about any aspect of your spouses infidelity. I'm sure we all have our own feelings about what is worse than something else. But as an earlier poster said, all things related to infidelity are very damaging and hurtful. However, I do think that something happening only once, him confessing instead of being discovered, etc., simply mean there are a few less issues that you have to address. Sounds like he did not lie, he did not deny, he did trickle truth or be defensive. So, you can spend your time and energy focusing on the actual infidelity, and not so much about all of the other things that usually come along with it.

Wish you all the luck in the world, as you and your husband heal.

Gamechanger...I can totally understand how you feel but I am trying to take everyone's word for it on here when they say that R can happen. You are just a few months out...that's nothing. I hope to someday be a very positive story here for readers. That is my hope.

Whatsright...the fairy tale, yes I am beginning to believe it is all in some stupid book about a prince, a dress and a silly shoe. I think I took for granted that my marriage wouldn't need protecting because it was always so great. What I didn't realize was that without sturdy boundaries, any of us could fall into this pitfall. My husband was absolute in his thinking that this would never happen to him but with a perfect storm of events, here we both are.

And thank you for pointing out the 'good' things about my situation...they are easily lost sometimes...and I'm sure we all have some light in dark situations.

Hugs to you guys...

my WH chose CL for his "services" (wish it'd stopped there... but no, my butt has to be knocked way harder than just a ONS / pregnancy / messed up EA extortion mess)

I think to me the root cause of my pain is I do not feel safe in our relationship and worry that it may happen again in the future.

Is that where you are at Reallyscared? Does your WH understand his job in your healing? Is he doing all the heavy lifting in changing so that trust can be rebuilt?

That's what's been shattered regardless of the method

no trust no love no marriage really

so yah ... patience and being willing to do the hard work to clean out the closets and build a trusting / loving relationship is the only way

(((Reallyscared)))

Wow...reallyscared our statistics are very similar.(age,DDay, circumstance)

I ask myself the same question. Shouldn't I be over this since it was "only" a ONS???? I think part of my difficulty is PTSD (diagnosed by therapist) as I really thought we had the fairy tale too. It makes it so much more traumatizing.

The other big thing I struggle with is how EASY it was for my FWH....no build up (just casual friends at work. Never any texting or deep personal talking before that day). No emotions clouding his thoughts...making him feel "in love". He had a "perfect storm" of stress, ego, and wrong thinking that set the stage for that day. He saw an opportunity to escape and feel better and took it. No thinking at all. It makes me wonder what kind of person he is. How it can be so spur of the moment...like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. How she didn't have to wear him down before he caved.

And of course it doesn't help that he intended to hide it from me....until the acute STD symptoms manifested. Quite a nasty way to find out!

In the end, trauma is trauma. Dealing with a love affair has so many more little moments to get over but the biggest moment is just finding out that your trust was betrayed....no matter the method.

Merida...I am really sorry that you find yourself here too.

I'm not sure if he understands that there's work to be done. I know he's remorseful, ashamed, somewhat bewildered that he even let this happen and really sad when we discuss it. He just wants to forget it but from reading on here (he also reads SI), he understands the timeline we are looking at and that in order to heal, he needs to read and talk as well. I also know that he loves me, very much and that he'd do anything to take it back. So, do I trust him? As much as I'm able. I still struggle with it and when he's away, I need reassurance from him. He gives it so I guess we are still working on it. We aren't in the best place yet but I am hopeful. SI has helped a lot!

Infidelity hurts, no doubt about it. I think when you are a victim of one, you tend to think that the other form would be less hurtful. Truth is they ALL hurt. To me the difference is that an EA or a long term PA take time. There's flirting, time spent talking, texting, there's a build up. There's feelings and emotions eventually physical touching, kissing..etc.etc. All these things at once come down on you like a down pour of drips made out of fire.

I maybe stupid in thinking this way, but I sometimes wished my FWW would have just had a ONS. I'm not sure how that would make me feel any better, but my mind just finds this easier to "comprehend".

In my case they were friends for years and worked together for years. There was an attraction that was never openly discussed. Both married with kids, decided that it was time and went into it like BAM! Making out was the main thing and sexting. Eventually there was more physical activity but no sex. After the fact, she was "in love". How can one delete this from their mind?

Rips...I am equally as sad for your situation as well. But, yes, it is traumatizing isn't it? My IC told me that sometimes when there's an erosion of a marriage (lots of fighting, lots of mistrust, not happy), that the couple can look back and say that they saw it coming. Please don't think that I am in any way excusing any infidelity but this conversation with him happened because of my question, shouldn't I be over this by now since it was a ONS? His answer was 'Did you ever think that maybe it's a harder blow because you in no way saw it coming? That you felt your marriage was so strong that it would withstand any temptation?' Perspective.

Perspective is everything...my best friend is in a loveless marriage and staying for her children. Her marriage has been eroding for about 10 years now, through her own admission.

There was no eroding in my marriage...it was just like we didn't see the edge of a huge cliff and just fell off.

Sure I can look back and say that his father had just died, our house renovations went over budget and over time, my job was requiring a lot more hours, his work was downsizing and we were looking at moving but the truth is...that's life. It didn't affect me like it affected him. He didn't talk and then, boom, out of nowhere, he didn't see the edge.

After reading so many stories on here, I am realizing how unique each one really is. But, in posting this thread, I also realize that betrayal is betrayal and it hurts and shakes our foundation whether it's an eroding mountain or a steep cliff edge. And time is a bastard but it heals...

Sorry for the long post..felt extra chatty today and gaining some perspective

Hugs...

2married2quit...thank you for sharing. I think I can understand where you're coming from. My high school friend (one of the very few I decided to tell because her husband had had a LTA) said that she'd give anything to have just one night to mull over in her head. That should have been comforting but it wasn't.

But here's the point I wanted to make...she doesn't discuss the fact that he was attracted to another woman (although I'm sure that that is all part of it since the affair lasted a year), she can't get it out of her head that he told this other woman that he loved her. That's what she said eats at her the most.

So what is the lesser evil I wonder...in my opinion, it's all evil because different facets affect us all differently...

I've often wondered if I would have been happier with the flirting and maybe a kiss. He might have seen the cliff edge coming...