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TK - You can do this. Right now it sounds like you're full of fear, shame & self loathing. How can you feel love, believe love from and towards your BH, when you feel like that?

I got angry too,as a BS. My anger came from from the agonising hurt that I felt, the damage to my self esteem, from fear that we wouldn't make it, that I was a failure, that I was a fool for not seeing it and lots of other conflicting emotions. I kept telling my STBXWH that I might get angry because of all the hurt, but I was still here, with him. For me,just sticking around in the face of everything was a massive action, showing him how much I loved him. He couldn't/wouldn't hear/believe that. He just saw the anger/hurt as an attack on him. Mainly because of how he feels about himself.

I'm sitting here crying as I type this. Remembering how his own feelings stopped him from seeing how much I loved him just by staying...and he couldn't see it because of how he felt about himself.

Please understand. If your BS is sticking with you. They are showing you that they love you and they are making themselves so very vulnerable to you and entrusting their heart to you. Please don't underestimate that. The anger masks their hurt. It will go, in time, as you help them heal & help rebuild the trust.

I am dying today.

I feel helpless and hopeless.

TK I remember being exactly where you are now. I never broke NC, but I remember the feelings you are having. There is no way around them, only through them in order to find out who you truly are. Through this experience you will put yourself back together again and come out the other side a stronger better person, someone that doesn't need other people to make her whole. Stick with this process and you will feel better again one day, I promise. I know you don't feel like it today, but it will happen. Keep going, get back up dust yourself off and start moving forward. You have it in you. Big hugs from someone that has walked the path before you.

I am dying today.

No, no you are not. You maybe sad and depressed. You may hate yourself. You may hate that you broke NC. You may hate what you have done. You may hate that you are weak. You may hate that you lashed out at your BS. BUT YOU ARE NOT DYING.

I feel helpless and hopeless.

why? one of the most empowering "ah ha moments" I have had through this process is: "I can only control myself and my actions" that is it. stop trying to control others. stop giving them power over you. brush that helplessness off of your back. pick yourself up by your bootstraps. and get back on the freaking horse. the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness are because you are feeling that either you have lost hope in yourself, or you are counting on others for your hope and not taking responsibility. So have hope in you. help yourself. nobody can do this but you. and you should take comfort in that. Since you are the only one you can control.

And for Pete sake. stop acting like a victim. all that does is piss victims off.

Dr. Jekyll,

Thank you for the kick in the pants. I needed it. :)

I totally agree with Dr. Jekyll

He is sucking my soul. I feel no love for him

.

This ^^^^^^^ is why you contacted your AP. TO FEEL LOVE.

A lot of us have been where you are. This week was my AP's bday. I felt tested. This time I passed. Many times before I didn't pass. But after a short honeymoon our distructive A pattern always re-emerged. Deception is a deadend street.

Is there a place you can go for a while? Like a mini trial separation? You seem to be under a lot of pressure, I'm worried about you.

t/j

Or, who took their A underground while playing the remorseful WS here on SI

WOW!!! I always wonder about the people who drop off the radar for a while, but the people that are here?? Shocking!

how is R possible if he refuses to work on his long standing anger issues? how will you navigate his next verbal attack?

I don't think we are in active reconciliation right now. We are going to continue MC. He refuses IC, and I cannot force him. I'm just going to continue as best as I can. We gave ourselves six months before we make any major decisions.

I told him that when he is venting, I will let him know when I've reached my limit, that I need a break. If things continue escalating, though, and if I feel threatened or unsafe, I'm not sure what I will do. I was ready to end the marriage a few days ago because if it.

I'm worried that if I feel the need to separate, even briefly, he will use our daughter against me, try to punish me by keeping us apart.

We don't trust each other at all.

Gently now, how can there be trust when the topic of this thread is about breaking NC? Keep in mind breaking NC with the person you had the betrayal with does nothing for trust building. It puts the spouse back.

You also mention giving yourself 6 months, which I strongly urge. Later you say you were ready to end it. You are early in the proces, give it time.

It would be good for your husband to seek IC or other outlets. He needs to find an outlet. What is he doing? He needs to trust you too. How can you build that trust?

What Dr.J said:

And for Pete sake. stop acting like a victim. all that does is piss victims off.

[This message edited by newdaytomorrow at 4:11 PM, August 16th (Saturday)]

I'm going to go off on a tangent because I can identify with your BH. When I first found out I was stunned. But soon wrathful anger set in. I was deliberately as nasty as I could be. I'm a psychologist working in the prison system. I know how to dig in and f*ck with people's heads. I'm not a relationship expert, but I'm working on that. I was spewing venom in al directions. I knew it but didn't care. Things got so bad that I was in jeopardy of losing the only thing that ever really mattered to me...my family. It was our youngest who was 4 at the time who checked me and got me to really take a hard look at myself and what I was doing.

Anyway, the tangent. Part of the reason I was venting so badly was that I wasn't getting what I really needed from WW. What was that? Well, she was more than willing to do anything I asked...physically, socially, sexually, etc. No matter how demanding or unreasonable, she'd do it. But here's the thing. It didn't register with me because it wasn't UNSOLICITED. If I had to ask for it, it didn't feel sincere. For example, one day on one of my tirades, I threw out all her underwear. I even made her undress (I told her in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS we weren't going to have sex) and took what she had been wearing and threw it out also. I made her go out, right then, wearing no underwear to buy new stuff. I had found out she bought La Perla for OM. Why couldn't she do this for me on her own? She had to get that I wouldn't want to touch her if she was wearing something she'd gotten for or from OM. W

hat I needed from her was proactivity. When I started to get that, things really started getting better.

Early on in this thread you said you do what BH asks. But why should he have to ask you to do nice and thoughtful things for him? He is your husband and should be able to expect them, often. A problem for us early on was when my wife did such and such she'd either act like a martyr, or behave like 'well, I did what you wanted now get off my back, or that she deserved a Roman Triumph with a ticker-tape parade. Sometimes all three! Try giving in the biblical sense, freely without any expectation of return. You may find that BH will pleasantly surprise you. Just my thoughts.

[This message edited by hatefulnow at 12:19 AM, September 3rd (Wednesday)]

newdaytomorrow...

You have a PM.