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I have no good advice for you but we have similar issues. I plan to bring this up in MC at our first session next week. The one thing I know is feeling obligated to have sex is the best way to kill libido.

SFN

Counting down the days every month to my period is no way for me to live

Just yes to this.

Unfortunately the A brings down my sex drive regardless of what my BH does or doesn’t do. I feel like a terrible person and I feel ashamed. That does not translate into feeling sexy at all. It does the opposite. I also am disgusted with my body right now which doesn’t help.

This might be a bit of a t/j but I think it might help Alyssa too so here it goes:

Wow - now that sounds like my W. To summarize, my FWW has trouble loving herself. She's spent a ton of time in therapy working on this (going on two years). If you are in IC this is important to bring up as it is very hard to learn to love yourself -- including all your rough spots -- on your own. This is a serious issue: I believe it is ultimately the cause of my wife's A, a psychological disorder she's been battling with, and our struggles with intimacy.

Your H likely sees a beautiful and attractive woman and not just physically. If not, why would he want to be intimate with you? Do you think he wants to be with a woman he is not attracted to?

Does he tell you he thinks you are beautiful? Do you believe him? Or do you think he is a liar?

I can personally relate to struggling sexually when I'm feeling crappy about myself (and I'm guessing a lot of BS can probably agree). W could do the sexiest thing on earth but if I'm feeling down about myself and feeling not worthy, stuff just doesn't work if you get my drift.

Thanks for all the comments/thoughts.

I don't know why I am not into sex that much...I have never had a strong desire for it...its not from CSA though cuz I never really experienced that. I think part of it could be because of my meds.

Many times when we do kiss or have sex I panic because all I can think about is what is BH thinking about...is he thinking of my A and the physical things I did with xap. These feelings usually cause me to fight back tears cuz i dont want to cry every time we have sex (which I have done many times since Dday). I try to push these thoughts away but they continue to haunt me.

My WW crys after sex every time, well that was months ago, but we have ceased all sex since. I can tell you that it is not normal for a BS to not think about what the AP did, etc.

These are M killers to many, and you might be in that same boat. There is something about sex that needs the emotional connection and safety and openness. Getting back there is very hard to do, not everyone can do it.

Best of luck to you and your husband.

Regards, STEP

...its not from CSA though cuz I never really experienced that

.

Your statement about 'never really experiencing CSA' is a bit like describing yourself as 'a little bit pregnant'. You're either pregnant or you're not. Something related to CSA either happened or it didn't. Or perhaps something almost happened on one or more occasions or you thought it was going to happen and it scared the crap out of you.

Not telling you your business, but it sounds to me like there's something in your past related to CSA that you should probably address in IC. You owe it to yourself to look into that.

I think part of it could be because of my meds.

Meds can DEFINITELY have this effect. It might be worth talking to your prescriber about sexual side effects. In some cases they can give you another med to try to counteract the negative sexual side effects, in others they might switch meds altogether. It's worth asking about anyway.

Also Saturn- you replied in response to my post and I want to say that's exactly it for me. My BH tells me all the time how he sees me as a beautiful person (both inside and out) or he wouldn't be trying to R right now. However, even hearing it isn't enough to make me love myself. I'm working on it though and in my case yes, my IC is aware of this. We're just getting started on everything though so there's a long road ahead of me, personally :)

my BH does not turn me on the same way but it’s not because of what he does if that makes sense. He could physically do the exact same thing to me my AP did but it doesn’t turn me on the same way. It’s more of how I feel about my BH overall that affects how I feel with him sexually. The level of respect I have for him is major part (many things factor into my level of respect for him).

If you don't mind me asking, if your husband doesn't turn you on like AP and have no respect for him, why are staying ?

I feel this is how she feels about me and don't understand why she wants to stay with me. I am waiting for my daughter to go to college next year and than I am done (she doesn't know this )

[This message edited by Calabro at 2:21 PM, August 15th (Friday)]

If you don't mind me asking, if your husband doesn't turn you on like AP and have no respect for him, why are staying ?

I feel this is how she feels about me and don't understand why she wants to stay with me. I am waiting for my daughter to go to college next year and than I am done (she doesn't know this )

It's not that I have no respect for him, I just have less respect for him right now. I really think I'm in just a "phase" because of the A and all the issues I have discovered I have since my A came to light. All the "why's" have lead to a lot of insight and a lot of issues have popped up for me. I think once they are resolved, things will be much better for BH and me. I still love him immensely and want to spend the rest of my life with him, I just need to resolve my problems and help us both heal from this mess and I believe things will get better - including my sex drive and him turning me on.

Your statement about 'never really experiencing CSA' is a bit like describing yourself as 'a little bit pregnant'. You're either pregnant or you're not. Something related to CSA either happened or it didn't. Or perhaps something almost happened on one or more occasions or you thought it was going to happen and it scared the crap out of you.

I understand what you mean...i have no history of CSA in the "typical" examples of abuse....there was an elderly neighbor who used to expose himself to me and masturbate in front of me......there were also several incidents of "play" with my older brother that could be defined as abuse.....there was also an incident where an older girl made me pull down my pants after she pulled down hers....she made me touch her and told me if I didn't she was going to pinch me.....I don't know if these examples count or not but that is all I can remember.

BH and I talked about my meds today and think that could be part of the issue....I have been on them since we have been married. He and I both agree they have made me less.emotional, less happy, and less like myself....one of the meds is an AD so obviously it is going to make my baseline personality more equal.

I should also add that with my narcolepsy any strong emotion (laughter, anger, sadness, surprise) causes me to have cataplexy, which is basically sudden and complete paralysis....the AD controls this so I dont collapse. I wonder if I am subconsciously trying to not react to things for this reason too....to protect myself from the cataplexy.

Alyssa,

I can relate. I take a med that has completely destroyed my sex drive over the past 3 years. I can relate to those in this post who say they try to want it more, try to initiate more, put on a happy face and an eager expression so as not to hurt feelings...it's awful.

In my case in addition to no desire, I am also unable to get physically aroused and feel very little pleasure from foreplay or sex. Some of this is meds, some might be nerve damage. Either way, it's unfortunate and bizarre...I used to be a highly sexual person.

Before my SLAWH's A, we mainly argued about sex. I think I'd have been well-matched with most men, but with an addict? Nah. Of course, we didn't know that then. So he thought I was frigid. And I thought sex several times weekly (especially while raising 4 little ones, closely spaced, recovering from 2 c-sections, nursing all 4 for a year each, and pretty much being a single mom [he was in the military, then in grad school]) was evidence that I wasn't uninterested in sex. And I practically never said no. Even when tired, I was "involved." Kissing, stroking, hugging. Often, though, I was too tired to work for an "O" myself. Seems like that should have been OK if I was participating. But . . .

Women in porn are ALWAYS interested. They always wear lingerie. They always look fabulous. They're always ready. They always climax. They always have come-hither eyes and words and movements. They NEVER say no. They never wear boring underclothes to bed. They never say, "as soon as I . . . wash the dishes, fold the clothes (so I don't have to iron them), change the baby's diaper, finish what I'm doing, after I shower." They never have a cycle. They never are exhausted. They never have their feelings legitimately hurt.

So if your (talking mainly to men here) views of what sex should and shouldn't be are based on porn, then take a break (forever would be nice) from it.

Alyssa, I understand your feeling about your H equating a dish-washing session with sex. Mine did so little around the house that whenever he did lift a dish, do you know what I thought? Yep. He expects sex tonight. Instead of getting me in the mood, it made me resentful. Why didn't I deserve a helping hand even when he wasn't horny? He worked 8-5; I worked 24/7. I was never able to effectively communicate that to him. So I agree with the other posters that you can argue about this the rest of your lives or you can go to a therapist. You were "in the mood" with your AP likely because of the ego kibbles and the infatuation. Those are like "cheat codes;" they don't exist in a long-term marriage--no matter how loving. There needs to be a different solution.

For us, before I knew about his A or acting out but when I knew he was seriously contemplating the end of our M, I decided that--even though I thought the problems in our sex life originated in his SA (we've known about it for 8 years)--the problem needed to be solved. And he was too apathetic at that point to try. So if I wanted to save my M, I needed to do the heavy lifting at that point. Since, compared to porn stars, I felt fat and ugly and dowdy and matronly, it was painfully uncomfortable and unsafe for me to wear lingerie, to initiate sex, to be intimate with the lights on or in the daytime. So my fitness freak son became my gym buddy and I got to work on fighting my own demons. Again, my WH's SA was the source of my self-esteem problems. I might safely say that most non-SA men would have found me beautiful. But I didn't think he did. Because of what he did. So I needed to get to a point where I could be less vulnerable.

My experiment paid off. It communicated to my WH that--in the midst of his shame/guilt--I was acknowledging a part in our problem and a willingness to make changes. Your gamble might be going to a sex therapist. Buying a sex toy. Asking him to stay and cuddle with you after intercourse or to go for a walk or to watch a chick flick or to go out for ice cream together or to rub lotion on your feet or to shower together. Reading books on sex (if you haven't already). Exploring, with your IC, what methods you might use to heighten your libido (a vitamin? an anti-anxiety med? a weekly massage? mood music? candlelight?).

It sounds like your H is trying but he doesn't understand. He knows that doing something nice for you (housework) should prompt your gratitude (sex). Instead, he needs to know that consistently practicing simple, loving acts (picking up his dirty socks, hanging up his wet towel, clearing his dishes, kissing you good-bye and farewell, coming home from work with a small container of your favorite ice cream, sending you an e-mail with "I Love You" in the subject line) will heighten your feelings of affection and encourage you to express them (intimacy). I don't "do" thank you sex. If so, I'd be sleeping with the garbage man, the pest control guy, and every mom in my children's carpools!!!

Good luck to you, Alyssa, and to all of the rest of us here in SI-land. This is SO not pretty. But the glimpses I'm getting of a better way of life and a brighter future are truly exciting.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 9:03 PM, August 15th (Friday)]

Alyssa - thank you for starting this post, so much of this hits home for my struggles with R as well.

Saturn - I think you really nailed it for how a lot of us feel when we start to go a long time without sexual intimacy in the relationship. I start to question what is wrong with me, and feel bad about myself and worry that the connection isn't there.

99lawdog - also brings up a good point, before the A my WW never really wanted sex and she really wan't sexually expressive. Then in the A she had regular contact for sex with AP, they sexted extensively, she bought sex toys, etc. All of this was that she was turned on by AP but not turned on by me.

Now here we are in efforts to R and much like what was expressed before, she is struggling with her issues of shame for the A and self-esteem issues which makes it difficult for her to feel sexual. Rationally I get that this isn't all about me. But emotionally that still translates back into the the fact that she doesn't really want to have sex with me and she isn't turned on by me like she was by her AP, and that still hurts. And then I cycle back to feeling the way Saturn described.

I understand that people have different sexual needs as far as frequency but arguing over sex seems counterproductive. Who wants to have sex with someone who fights about it?

I understand your As have hurt your husband but it sounds like he doesn't care about your sexual needs at all.

Choreplay is a real thing. If being lovey and touchy with arms around each other and kisses that don't immediately lead to sex, helps you to feel more loved and would perhaps lead to more sex. It doesn't make sense that he wouldn't put forth that effort.

Unless he doesn't care to meet your sexual needs. And that seems counterproductive even if he just wanted to meet his need. All the arguing could be spent making you feel more likely to have sex.

Do you think it's possible he has anger that may motivate him to WANT to treat you as the whore that he called you? Like that somehow you owe him and he's entitled to that?

I don't agree but this fighting about sex doesn't make sense to me.

Do you feel like he still has lots of unresolved anger towards you?

I think he has a lot of unresolved feelings about my A and anger is definitely one of them. We briefly went to MC after Dday, and he has told me multiple times he is afraid to go to IC because he is afraid it will help him realize how angry he really is and he will leave me.

Him keeping that anger bottled up is only going to poison your chances for R. There is no R with him holding that in.

That doesn't mean I think he should open up and just flood you with it though.

Doesn't it speak to you that he's afraid getting himself healthier will cause him to leave you? I have to say that it makes me wonder if he is avoiding IC for other reasons.

The other thing it could be is, does he say that you are meeting all his needs except sexually? I'm specifically asking about meeting his need to feel safe in the marriage and with you. You've been in IC and working to resolve your reasons for cheating? If he feels you haven't been doing all the R work you should be (this isn't about frequency of sex) doing he may feel if he faces that he may have no other option but to leave. Again not about sex, but does he say you are meeting his requirements for R?

I know he has fears about seeing a counselor but I would insist he does. Your R isn't going anywhere while he carries all this anger. I think it's appropriate that he's angry but he needs to express it in a healthier way and one that decreases it's build up, not the other way around.

It sounds like you both have worked really hard to get where you are at but his anger is going to keep you from progressing.

I am not currently in IC. I went briefly and haven't gone to any one else cuz I can't afford it right now.

It terrifies me that he thinks he will leave if he goes to C....there are some other things that he has written and said that scare me also.

Honestly he hasn't said anything about meeting his needs other than sexually....I don't know if I'm safe to him or not cuz it always goes back to his sexual needs....and how I'm not meeting those.

Thanks starting for the response. I appreciate you taking the time to be honest. The one thing that I would like to say is that I do not think you are being fair to your husband. If the respect and feelings are not there, let him go. Hoping that they come back is not right. If my wife did that it would be worst than the A. The one thing I made sure with her was that I was not some second choice and that she didn't look less of me because I took her back. She clearly stated she felt honored that I took her back and that she thanks god everyday for the second chance. I believe her. I told her from day one when I said we were through that if we are going to try and make this work, she has to be in it 110% not 95% or 99.9% but all in. I just don't think you are all in. That's not fair to your husband. That's all.

its at the point now where I am frightened he is going to either D me or have his own A

Well that exactly what's gonna happend in the futur ,your not giving him any choose here

from your husband point of view .. you didn't have problems with sex with your OM and your having them with your husband

you already destroy his self-esteem by your affair and you continu the destruction after the affair by those actions....

[This message edited by hopelady500 at 1:20 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]

Lawdog,

Im confused. ...was your post directed to me or starting fresh?

Hopelady,

Im not sure how to respond to your comment...I am not trying to hurt my BH more...I said I am trying to work through this so he doesnt leave me.

you didn't have problems with sex with your OM and your having them with your husband

t/j and vent:

To be honest I'm so sick and tired of hearing comments like this. I see them often on this site and I just don't get it. The AP and the BS are different people. The WS is not obligated to feel exactly the same about sex with ANY two people in the world, whether they are AP and BS or not. No one feels exactly the same about sex with ANY two people, no matter their marital or infidelity status.

Yes, it was a shitty thing we did, having sex with someone other than our spouse. I will not and will never deny that. What we owe our spouse, in recompense, is remorse for our actions, truth and fidelity in the future as long as the relationship lasts. What we do NOT owe them is an exact replication of any sexual contact, frequency, or feelings that were shared with the OP.

Believe me, I am the poster child for enjoying sex with the OM but now having severe dysfunction with my XBS. I feel badly about that simply because my XBS would probably like a better sex life...I do NOT feel badly about it in any other way as it is through no deliberate fault of my own. I didn't ask for a life-changing disease. I didn't ask to be stripped of sexual feeling at the age of barely 30 (at the time). And although XBS didn't ask for any of this either...he didn't have to reconcile with it, in the first place, and in the second place he is not entitled to have a partner who feels a carbon copy of feelings for him that she felt for someone else. Period.

end t/j