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I'm with DTTC on this one. Parenting a special needs kid is rough. Anyone who would be part of my life would have to be able to deal with the challenges and "get" my kid.

That being said, if my DD were acting like you've described his is, I wouldn't be dating - I'd be focusing on getting her behavior stabilized with all the tools available to me (including therapy). And looking at it from your perspective? My advise would be to step way back from this unless and until something dramatically changes for him and his DD.

Sorry.

M3 - What are YOU looking for in a relationship at this point of your healing? Meaning, if you are not planning to move in/marry...can you scale back your relationship with him to more of a dating scenario vs intermixing the families and just enjoy the adult time of dating?

I know this does not solve the issue(s), but you are newly divorced and navigating your own household through these new waters. This is challenging enough without the dynamics of another family unit.

There are many folks who opt not to get into anything serious until their kiddos are grown, nothing wrong with that. That is what I mean about what are you looking for at this point? Define that and make your decision based on your needs first.

Thank you all. These are all good points I need to really think about. And thank you to those who are parenting kids with needs beyond what we can give and are reaching out!

I am dating! But I become so devoted in my mind to someone or something in the past (this is something I have to work on in counseling) that I have to remind myself I'm not in a committed marital relationship! The boyfriend pushed to have the kids meet. Otherwise I think he was going to hit the road. I panicked. He was wanting more. We hadn't moved to that step and had we not I would have never known. So in retrospect and in the current I know. We had dated for quite some time (and had that adult time together which was really nice).

I also have a kind heart that loves to help children & care for them. I feel badly for her. I feel she is overlooked. I feel she has a case of Asperger's/ADHD but also with no rules has become a very spoiled brat. The entire family seems to blow it off. Mom and Dad just medicate. No Therapy. Goes against every cell in my body that they don't involved a therapist or specialist. I know there is something wrong. I have been around other 8 year old's in my daughter's class. And we have sleepover's. I know there is something wrong.

I do have to think about what I want. I will start by making a list now. Thank you. I needed that reminder........

In the meantime we are in the middle of this remodel. He wanted to help so we could have more space in my home for a new bedroom for my child. He offered. I took it. We probably have 1-2 more months of work. Now what? ugh.

[This message edited by Melody3 at 1:43 PM, August 18th (Monday)]

My dd is ADHD/OCD and "on the spectrum". She just turned 11 and is also very, very smart. She is a handful to parent, and I stay on top of her behavior all of the time. All.Of.The.Time. I do know parents with kids with "special challenges" and the parents let them get away with murder...pretty much saying, "Well, X has Aspergers!" So what? They still have to learn to function in society as a productive adult at some point.

I have friends that describe my parenting as "structured". Well, yeah...when you have a kid with some behavior challenges, they thrive on structure. She is also medicated and in CBT. The divorce was really hard on her, and I've done everything I can to get her into therapy and create an environment where she feels safe and can thrive. It is a LOT of work.

I, for one, couldn't handle what you are describing. It would be a total deal breaker for me. I've seen plenty of people who go through divorces and they are in such pain...they just let the kids "go".

Personally, I wouldn't be able to use his handyman work if you aren't going to date him. Or, offer to at least pay him something to finish the work while you aren't there.

Some kids are unlikeable without having major disorders.

Some people just don't mesh with one another.

Because this child has not been appropriately worked up, I'd be reluctant to assign a diagnosis. No one qualified to do so seems to have done it yet.

She might have a disorder. She might not.

Either way, she needs to have adults, in her life, who love her unconditionally and will give her the guidance and medical care she needs, from appropriate professionals.

Her father will not do that for her. It's not appropriate for you to do it. (While I believe that step-relationships can be very close, I think the stepparent has to be very cautious about disciplining the spouse's bio kids.)

I view this as an incompatibility with her father. HE is not doing what needs to be done. While the bratty child is getting the attention here, I think the father's character needs to be considered heavily. What kind of man fails to have a struggling child properly evaluated? What kind of man tells his girlfriend she can discipline his child, but fails to do so himself?!

Not a man I want to be with.

She is just a child. She apparently has some issues her parents are failing her by failing to address appropriately. I would not want to be in a relationship with a man who failed his child so grossly. (I always wonder, given my FOO, how much of a kid's problems are her own, and how much are because she's bearing symptoms for her parents/family.)

I HATE that her PCP is prescribing meds. If s/he'd stop, they'd be forced to seek appropriate evaluation.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:09 PM, August 18th (Monday)]

My DDs acted out horribly when they would go to xh's. They never got time alone with him, it was always ad part of a family with OW and her kids. My kids were missing time with their dad.

I'll ask if she ever gets to spend time alone with her father? I had one daughter who would talk baby talk because he responded to it. If you met her during that time, you would think something was off with her.

Good luck,

K

I view this as an incompatibility with her father. HE is not doing what needs to be done. While the bratty child is getting the attention here, I think the father's character needs to be considered heavily. What kind of man fails to have a struggling child properly evaluated? What kind of man tells his girlfriend she can discipline his child, but fails to do so himself?!

Not a man I want to be with.

I agree......

I'm glad I have brought up this topic and gotten feedback. It's helping me process and validate my thoughts.

RE: time with her dad. She sees him every other weekend and one night a week. She is with him some. He is a bit ancy himself, so if he is working on a project she play by herself or stays with a friend's family. And they are together at nighttime to watch movies, eat, etc....He takes her to her dr. and dental appt's and to gymnastics once a week for an hour. She talks baby talk. He is "dada" and I notice when I have been around she cuddles with him and even sucks her thumb sometimes at age 8 1/2. He sees no problem with this. The first time my family heard her calling him "dada" they were a little taken aback.....Me too......

A note on her mother.......She is crazy! She has tried to commit suicide numerous times, moved the child 3 times in the past 4 years, and continues to change jobs herself. She has a very successful career but is mentally unstable in personal life. Most of the time the little girl is playing on her iPad or watching movies when she is with her OR going to church. Mom is of a diff. religion. I don't think the little girl understands the religion when I have asked her a little bit. I have asked her dad why don't you go for full custody and grant her visitation rights. He says she will kill herself.

I also mentioned she goes to the family dr. for her ADHD med's and other med's. She has no idea why she goes to these appt's. Doesn't know what it's for. They have never sat her down to discuss nor taken her to a specialist at a university hospital in the Midwest for proper evaluation and diagnosis. It just baffles my mind........

I've had my daughter in counseling ever since her dad left. To ensure that she is properly processing her feelings and emotions.

[This message edited by Melody3 at 3:32 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

SO pissed! I talked to him tonight via phone. His daughter starts school tomorrow just like my own (they are in different school districts about 1 hour apart). I asked him if he attended open house, will be there in the a.m. for her first day (since he has the day off from work). No, and no. He said her mom handles that sort of thing. I said I bet she would like it if you went. Dead silence.........

I asked him what their plan is for the school year with their daughter and the "ADHD" tendencies. He said that they will fill out a form (answers questions on it re: her behavior). The questions will be answered by the teacher, mom, and dad and evaluted and discussed "as needed." I asked about meeting w/ the school counselor. He said oh she talks to her sometimes. I said what?! I thought you were against counseling? Oh no she does only when she needs it. I said not on a regular basis, and he said no I don't think so..........I asked if this counselor is the same one she has had since kindergarten..........again I don't know. He said she's been seeing her this summer in a kids divorce care group (once in June & once in July). I said why didn't you tell me that before? He said he didn't know. He had talked to his ex about it. Didn't realize he hadn't said something to me. NOw, yes a divorce care group could be good for her, but 1:1 counseling could REALLY help. She has trouble talking I dont see how a group setting would help her but whatever. I think he's held back a lot of information from me. And why since we are close? Am I making too big of a deal of what I know and what I don't? I think not! He said she's now on a generic drug because it's more affordable as well. I think she's been hell on wheels this summer! Dad and exwife make 100,000+ in their jobs. Generic? Whatever. I give up and I think I'm done!

This may come out wrong but unless you are on the road and talking of engagement it sounds like a lot of drama and too much involvement in his relationship with his child and his child.

He has shown you who he is and you can't make him be something you want nor do you have say with his daughter.

I would reflect on what you want and go from there. If this is someone you truly see long term then an honest discussion might help if not then it sounds like you are getting farther away from your divorce and seeing the realities of a relationship. It takes work and honestly for me I was no where near ready for a long time to make that investment.

Being involved and developing a relationship with kids is key and some may disagree but I know my child would come first and with my SO his children come first. I couldn't continue dating someone my child didn't like and he couldn't either.

You sound like you have been through a lot together. If it isn't meant to be then make it about you and him. Let him be concerned about his child.

You are right it is hard at this age but happiness comes regardless if there is an SO or not and this is a lot of drama.

[This message edited by fireproof at 9:31 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

This summer has been a test introducing our children and me asking more questions about his life, parenting, etc....I'm finding out what he truly is like with his child for visits and without. I expect honesty from the person I'm with. He wants to know everything about my children, my ex, what is bothering me if I'm uupset, etc.... and it's nice to have the freedom to speak to another adult.Feels like I'm not always getting the full story from him.

So now I know........

My EX left 4 years ago. Been divorce since just last December. Guess I needed more time than I thought. Maybe after a couple more years and I'm 40 and then life will be good. To hell w/ my 30's! Except for my children.............really to hell with my 30's!!!! :)

How do you find the one?

And be patient to be alone?? :)

I felt that I had the one but now I don't think it is about the one.

I certainly never looked for it and still didn't with my SO.

You may always be alone and honestly we leave this world alone at the end of the day.

You accept you are an individual and might be single and discover your life. Then if by chance you come across someone then you will know.

No one can give you something that you don't have within you.

I would enjoy the things that make you happy and leave dating to chance or casually date but trying to find the one is a recipe for drama.

Thanks I'll try.

I feel very alone.

((((Melody))))

It is lonely at times but once you figure out or start with small things you will realize what a full life you have and I apologize if my post made it seem like you won't find someone. I think we all do whether it is a new friend or old ones.

Life is so short - you know you can survive pain so try little things for you and I think at one point I started writing down to remember what I really enjoyed and some things surprised me.

You will figure it out and I wouldn't focus on this but you may just find someone who is just as healthy. It takes work but you are worth it. Really.

Thank you. It does feel lonesome. Maybe I have relied on a man for too long.

But I also don't think we are meant to be alone forever.

Just isn't the right timing for me yet. But so hard in a small town in the Midwest. I'm the oddball not living with someone or married. It's not the norm, but I guess I'm not the norm.

I do feel lonesome though. It's been 4 years. Granted only 8 months since the divorce, but I've spent a lot of time just me and the kiddos. They need more. I need more to feel full, happy, and whole again. But a lot of work needs to come within. Beginning with getting over the ex, and seeing what I can do about this relationship with this current man who doesn't see "real" issues as red flags. Hello?! I swear........

[This message edited by Melody3 at 11:34 AM, August 22nd (Friday)]

I've spent a lot of time just me and the kiddos. They need more. I need more to feel full, happy, and whole again.

What do you mean by your kids needing more, Melody?

and seeing what I can do about this relationship with this current man who doesn't see "real" issues as red flags

This thought concerns me. You have two very young children at home who need your attention. Bringing in a man and his DD, both of whom have baggage and issues, takes time and attention away from them. It also takes time and attention away from your healing. I think your loneliness is clouding your judgement regarding what is best for you and your kids.

But that's just my two cents based on what you have posted.

All the best to you. ((melody3))

They need more than I'm giving lately. I've had to be a full time parent for 4 years. Ex just started exercising every other weekend visits.

I'm exhausted. And still trying to regroup since the divorce & now ex moving OW here.

I need to regroup and be there for them fully. We have done a ton of fun stuff over the years with a newborn and toddler up to a 4 year old and now an 8 year old! But, emotionally I want to give more to them. Happy mama happy household? I think that's what I'm thinking......