SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you know who the AP is?

Out him to his wife or partner if there is one.

You will learn something about your wGF by how she reacts to you doing this.

So lets see here:

She first blames you for her cheating because you were homeless and living with relatives and had no stable residence.

Oh, then she blames the OM for "harrassing" her for months until she finally gave in and went to dinner with him, and then got too drunk to drive home, then she gave in to his advances and basically let him rape her...

Uh huh...

Crock .... of ... shit...

My friend, you are getting a hosejob. Wipe your hands of this harpy and move on down the road before she ruins your life. She most likely started cheating with this guy months ago. Probably cheated on her past partners, hence her jealousy towards you texting on your phone.

No. Dump her.

Her story (fiction or demonstrating a passive personality that will repeat) and her past accusations, her paranoia, and finally getting you up to go there to drop the bomb shows that she is a total whack job. Dump her used ass and save yourself a lot of drama. You will never be able to trust her.

That main thing is to make sure you don't look at this as a situation where you feel like she now owes you, and will behave forevermore.

It seems more likely that she is just uncommitted, and lacks the morals you possess. She's a user/taker, you're a giver, maybe?

I've never been in a position where I am the one to end something, so this feels very odd.

Consider this: if you have been left in the past, more than once perhaps, you have felt abandoned. And now when you're faced with this decision you don't want to "abandon" someone else because you'll feel like the bad guy.

Truth is, sometimes cutting ties is sometimes truly the only wise choice.

You'll know - but don't feel guilty if you decide to leave. This is on HER.

She has shown you who she is. You're lucky that you have this privileged information now, and not 10 years and several kids down the road.

Consider yourself lucky and use this as your get out of a potentially bad marriage free card.

Hi Unsure .....

So sorry to hear of your situation, really such a tough place to be in life! Something, at our age, most of us really dont want to deal with. Aren't we all just looking for someone to spend life with and grow old with, at this point .. not drama and stress!!

You have said some things in your posts that really stand out to me .......

Our sex life was basically on hold until I moved into my new place.

Because she could not handle the place you had with your ex? Maybe a little immature?? My new husband now lives in the same house that I had with my exH and I spent lots of time at his house when we were dating, he had with his exW. Not sure, at this age in life, what the problem is with moving beyond the past ..... we ALL have a past at this point and we all have to accept there were others before us ...... and at this age, usually at least 1 marriage..... just because we move from one relationship to another does not mean we toss out our whole life and start again ..... Some of us want to stay in the place we lived previously! I certainly can't afford to sell my home and move every time I changed relationships ...... Nor would I want to.

I can start fresh in a new place and turn the page in my life completely, which is something I should have done a while ago anyway.

I think you already know .......

The irony of all this is that she was convinced many times she couldn't trust ME. She was paranoid about my talking to other females, so I quit Facebook to pacify her. Every time I used my phone in front of her, she accused me of texting another woman,

You clearly feel there is something wrong with this behavior ... And there is .. at any point but especially only 5 months in.

Do you feel like this is a healthy relationship? What do you see this being like 5 years down the line if you choose to stay together? How about 10 years? If you can't look happily on this why continue it?

Do you want to continue something, especially so young, where you admit you cannot trust her already?

So what is the worst case scenario if you brake up? You are alone for a while ...... You made it before when your marriage ended.

So lets say you take some time apart to heal .... and you find out she is the love of your life .... well, if it goes both ways then maybe you can get back together in say.. two years. Nothing says you can't .....

Now, if you stay together for something you already have expressed being unsure about ... and you meet someone terrific, how would that be if you were in this position where you had to end this OK relationship first?

There are great relationships out there .... there really really are.

You cannot find the right person if you are hanging on to the wrong one ...... And are you willing to give your time to this relationship?

Even more, are you willing to put your self in the position of being back here in a few years, like many here who try and R .... especially when you are not even married yet? Just some things to think about in your decision process. You will always find support here, no matter what you choose!!

Good luck and please let us know what happens!!!!!!

Unsure

While it us good that your GF was honest about her dishonesty I think she has some issues that she needs to deal with on her own.

She kept harping on you about you lying, cheating showing her own insecurities and she us the one that ended up cheating......

Worse, the dinner was planned in advance which leads me to believe that deep down she wanted to sleep with her coworker.

If the OM really turned her off or she truly cared for you the dinner and the ONS would never happened.

I think you know what you need to do.

But take your time getting to that conclusion.

And never fear being alone. It sounds like you need some "me" time.

HM

Unsure,

While your decision on what to do is a personal one, your predicament and its cause are very clear and easy to understand. Forget all the junk about where you wee living or anything else

Here were the facts plain and simple

(1) a co worker was pursuing your girlfriend and she apparently told you.

(2) you expressed your concern and asked her to please deal with it by any means possible to get it to stop. Apparently, she forgot to tell you she was really attracted to him and probably encouraging him until after she slept with him.

(3) he asks her to dinner. I assume she was not drunk when she accepted, fully knowing what his intentions were.

(4) she proceeds to get drunk and accepts an invitation to his place, again fully knowing what his intentions were.

(5) she fucks him and blames it on the circumstances and makes herself feel better by confessing to you.

Every decision she made screams that she wanted to be with him, knowingly did it, and now that she had her fun, wants you to just put it aside and let it go.

She had about eight or ten opportunities to stop this from happening and walked right into it, and you are supposed to believe it was an accident.

Like i said, you need to make your own decision. If you marry this woman you will be back here the next time she gets an itch for a guy.

good call on not letting her move in. It shows consequences for her actions.

The fact she would do what she did with this OM while holding you to a standard that she, herself, won't keep, is pretty bad.

I would suggest opening a facebook page to keep in touch with your buddies. Stay loyal to her but at the same time force her to have to trust you. If she is controlling, she lost that right. Why shut yourself down. Make her sweat. See how she reacts to it.

If her reaction is cakeeating, which is what she did, then you will have your answer.

Keep in mind, you are in control now, not her. She has to prove to you that she belongs. However, based on what she did, if you can't overcome it, and I wouldn't be able to, there are many fish in the sea. Bring yourself and your good orals to someone who will appreciate them.

What is she doing to try and show remorse and are you still monitoring her ?

keep in mind, you've only been with her 5 months. There's no loss if you move on.

Just a 5 month bump in the road

She has shown you who she is. You're lucky that you have this privileged information now, and not 10 years and several kids down the road.

Consider yourself lucky and use this as your get out of a potentially bad marriage free card.

I am living this. This Should definitely be given serious consideration. imo

In fact, I knew that this guy was making unwelcome advances to her at work because she told me, and I asked her repeatedly to take steps to avoid him. She admitted to me that she was drawn to him...

Unsure, this^^^ really stuck out for me because of the similarities to my exWW's situation with OM#1, a co-worker. What my exWW was doing by telling me of the unwelcome advances was she was setting up the OM as the 'bad guy'. She was the innocent little victim being subjected to these unwanted advances and she was trying to make it clear in my mind that she was playing no part in it. The truth is, they were in fact welcome advances and she was relishing the attention but, she was manipulating me. She was deliberately laying a foundation for what was coming next, including faux honesty, 'see, you can trust me because I am getting hit on at work and the first thing I've done is tell you about it and make it clear to you that I do not want these advances'.

4 years later when I found about the A (she didn't confess) she played the victim card all over again and wanted me to believe that she played no part in what had happened - as if she was taken advantage of. I refused to accept that because I know, as do you and everyone else here, that women get unwelcome advances all the time and they know how to shut them down. It's only the welcome advances that they don't shut down. Why didn't your WGF avoid him like you asked her to? Instead, she did the exact opposite and had dinner with him - why? I feel it's simply because his advances were entirely welcome.

The ONS started with the guy inviting her to dinner, she consented but insisted she would not be coming home with him (she knew his MO, he had been harassing her for months on end and wouldn't stop). They had drinks, she was afraid to drive, and he used this as an excuse for her to crash at his place. From there, he made advances, and she says she kept telling him no, but eventually gave in.

So he had been harassing her for months, she knew that he wanted to sleep with her and she knew his MO in advance. Now try to look at what happened next while picturing her as the capable 33 year old woman that she is (not the vulnerable teenager that she wants you to believe that she is). This is along similar lines to what nononsense said above:

- She made a decision to go on a date with a co-worker who has been hitting on her.

- She made a decision to drink knowing that she wouldn't be able to drive.

- She made a decision to go home with him knowing that she was playing into his hands (it's his MO).

- She left with him instead of calling a friend or her boyfriend to pick her up knowing that he would try to sleep with her.

- She made a decision to sleep with him knowing that she has a boyfriend.

Wouldn't you agree that this^^^ is a more fitting description of the thought processes of a 33 year old? What I'm getting at is that as much as she wants you to believe that she is a victim in this it is more plausible that she simply did what she chose to do. How does a person get from 'harassment' to dinner, drinks and sex? It simply does not make sense. The fact that she knew his MO makes her decisions even more unacceptable - she did not, at any point, try to disrupt his plans but instead went along with the script and slept with him. It's like handing cash to someone who you know is a conman and then claiming that you didn't know you were being conned.

So they had sex and she immediately informed you. There are many possible reasons for her confession:

Faux honesty - look at how trustworthy I am, I didn't try to hide the fact that I unwittingly slept with this guy who has obviously taken advantage of me.

Paranoia - I'm confessing because I know that you will find out eventually anyway.

Guilt - I'm going to be miserable keeping this secret to myself so I'll tell you and get it off my self-serving conscience.

Remorse - I can't believe that I have done something so awful to you and I will do whatever it takes to make this right. I did this, I take full responsibility for my choices and neither you nor anyone else is to blame.

Damage control - I will confess so that I can control the situation and tell you only what I need to tell you in order to sweep this under the rug as quickly as possible.

There are many other possible reasons for a wayward to confess but as you can see, from those above, any reason could fit your situation so it's best to err on the side of caution before accepting/assuming her reasons for confessing.

I am sorry you had to find us but you are truly in the best place for support/guidance/advice etc. - read as much as you can, post often and use what you can (ignore the rest).

[This message edited by Credence at 3:35 AM, March 2nd (Monday)]

Bro, read every post on this thread, and please heed it.

Walk away.

Five months and she already cheated? 5 months and some dude she was "drawn to" gets her in the sack?

This is supposed to be the intense and fun phase of your relationship, the newness. Thing is by what you said you spent a lot of time together, at the same time this guy was making his moves and she was entertaining him.

First she knew where this was going, she planned this, even after spending time with you (most likely that same day) she still went ahead and did it.

This relationship hasn't even reached an even point where stuff is mundane and this has already happened. Not to mention the loss of trust, you questioning where she's going, who she's texting and if another guy hits on her at work or while she's out.

As much as it may hurt, it will be best to say thanks and good luck.

Bro, if she is cheating on you at 5 months can you imagine the shit that's going to happen when the honeymoon stage is over ? And don't buy that bullshit she has been feeding you about innocently going out with OM, innocently having too much to drink, innocently going to his home and innocently having sex with him. There was nothing innocent about it, she planned it all along. She made over a dozen conscious decisions leading up to screwing this dude, just because she came clean does not negate what she has done. Run far and run fast my man, your future happiness depends on it.

I want to thank all of you for the helpful perspective and support. I decided to end the relationship two days ago, and I am very comfortable with that decision. Many factors came into play, but the one overriding one was that the OM was still in the picture (being a coworker) and would be present in my former partner's work life for some time to come. I am not willing to torture myself wondering what is going on and having to constantly ask what is going on. That dynamic is not the way I choose to live my life. In addition, the inherent hypocrisy of her mistake, after she expressed such distrust in me over the last five months, means that I cannot take her concerns as seriously as I once did, if at all.

I don't hate her, but I do deserve better than this. Again, thank you everyone. You helped make this time a little better and clearer to understand.

[This message edited by unsureofwhattodo at 10:55 AM, March 4th (Wednesday)]

You made the right decision. At 5 months in, she should still be floating on air over seeing you, not cheating with the office hound.

I'm sorry this happened, but you really are better off finding out now than in 5 years, after a wedding and two or three kids.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 11:15 AM, March 4th (Wednesday)]

Just curious how did she take it?

You did the right thing.

Take your time.

You made the right decision. Be happy and take care of yourself. And have no contact with her at all.

Good luck. Everything will turn out fine.

I am doing a decent job of staying focused on the present and the near future, but melancholy is settling over me from time to time. In answer to Tom67, she was devastated. I take no pleasure in saying that. She was in a lot of emotional pain over what she had done, and walking out the door of her house has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Throughout the goodbye, I was calm, unwavering, and respectful. She was crying, telling me to not go, telling me she loved me. I know she did an awful thing, but it was so hard to see her like that and leave her in that state. I think I need to see a therapist to work through this properly.