SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She said that she had to do this her way.

Your wife is not to be trusted in any way, shape, or form with your marriage right now. She got you to this point.

Your focus right now needs to be all about gaining and keeping control. Taking control of the marriage and all of your actions. It's like you woke up and were dropped into a foreign land, with no landmarks and no survival guide. Assert your control over all aspects of the marriage.

Deleting the emails is rug sweeping, and was a big, big, big step towards ensuring the marriage will not survive. Let her know this. If it has been less than 5 days, you can restore her google gmail account. I bet the OM still has his copies. Get them somehow, and don't accept no.

She now has to quit her job. She can't work with him now, or ever again. Actions have consequences.

Knowledge is power. See a lawyer ASAP and find your your rights and options. Knowledge is power. Don't tell her. This isn't a manipulative act against her, it is you getting smart.

Total transparency to all emails and accounts, now and forever.

Tell the OBS. She deserves to know. The OM broke the "Bro Code", and actions have consequences.

Have your wife get tested for STDs. It is necessary and it is humiliating. Actions have consequences.

The overarching advice is to be strong, be as calm as possible, be assertive, don't be manipulative, put the hammer down on any of her bullshit. Screw her pathetic feelings. If she keeps saying she loves him, tell her to go love him, you have a life to live, don't let the door hit her in the ass.

If she wants to save the marriage, then maybe, potentially, there is a chance. A small one. Only with total commitment right now, or hit the street.

Tough days are ahead, my friend. The best possible outcome will occur when you are willing to lose the marriage.

Sending strength!!!

I want to say thank you to everyone who has given me advice and support. I don't have anyone to talk to besides the MC and the IC.

You have to be proactive and not wait for the other shoe to drop. Your wife is not to be trusted, and that is not a friend.

Watch your bank accounts very closely.

What does your IC tell you about this situation versus what the MC has told you.

A big concern here is that your MC is ruining your marriage. The MC is allowing your wife to continue the lying and the affair.

What has the MC said about your wife handing over all of the passwords and emails.

Oh, one more thing! Dump that MC ASAP. He/she is a total dip shit. Just grossly ignorant of the correct course of action in cases of infidelity. Your MC makes the complete moron who runs MarriageBuilders look like a Mensa candidate.

Even highly competent MCs can flounder and fuck up an infidelity situation if they don't know what they are doing. That happened to my wife and I. We switched to an infidelity specialist and it made a world of difference.

Your MC said your wife shouldn't quit her job? Unless there is extraordinary justification for that, this is 100% wrong.

icanovercome

A lot of advice has been thrown your way.

Go read Nononsense's story. Look at how he dealt with the situation.

Quickly.

Decisively.

He remained cool and calm.

His wife clearly understood the consequences if she did not stop making bad decisions.

You need to act to protect your family.

You need to act to protect your marriage.

You clearly understand you cannot control your wife or her actions. You clearly understand you would not know if she is in contact with OM while at work.

That is why you expose the Affair to the OM's wife.

Not for revenge but to protect your family.

Sure she has a young baby but guess what. Her being pregnant did not stop the OM and your WW from cheating did it.

And while you want R. You want your W.

WHat you have right now is a confused hot mess of a woman that looks and sounds like your wife but is a liar and cheater right to your very face.

Come to grips with that and act.

Keep that fake smile on. Keep loving your kids.

And take the steps to remind your wife who you really are.

A strong, loving father who respects the vows he took and the responsibility to protect his family.

If you act strong and independent your wayward wife will realize she screwed over the wrong guy.

Remind her of who you really are and why she married you in the first place.

Put the fear of God into her. And make her realize that you will be just fine with her or without her.

I would not hesitate to get on an international flight (without the wifes knowledge) and go pay a visit to the OM's home.

I would not hesitate to get the emails back from Google. Your wife deleted that account to not hurt you but to protect yourself.

And remember that her friends/coworkers knew who "Nathan" is. Your wife truly breached your trust.

Now go get tough. Go get mad. And use that energy to remind her and the OM that they screwed over the wrong guy.

I have three daughters. 21, 15 & 13. I constantly remind them of right and wrong.

Your girls will appreciate you more as you get older.

HM

Okay man, you've gotten a lot of good advice here, but we know this shit is crazy making. I know when I was where you are, I was worth about as much as a puddle on the floor. We're telling you some things for some real reasons.

The seeing a lawyer? It's to show your WW that you're serious. That the pain she caused you is like a mack tuck and the pain she has from losing her affair partner (which she shouldn't have had in the first place) is like a freaking hot wheel. And until she understands that, she won't take it seriously. Her crying over this guy is just one more knife twisting in your gut, and the sooner it stops the better.

Keep in mind that stopping more pain is much different than dealing with what you already have, but you can't deal with a gunshot wound when you're still be shot at, ya know?

We're here for ya. Ya need to vent, you can vent here, you need advice, we got plenty of that, you need friends? You just joined the club. Lifetime membership. No jacket, sorry. You are not alone.

But before any other great advice we give you can be put to use, you've got to stop being shot at. And that means all her waterworks about this dirtbag need to stop. Capiche?

A couple of other things that bother me...I believe you wrote that your wife has not cried once, that usually means the affair is still ongoing and that she has not broken off anything with the OM.

After an affair, there is usually some kind of depressed mood from the WW, more like a withdrawal attitude. But if she is still in contact with him, she is getting her fix, so no withdrawal.

Affairs need to be exposed. Can you discuss this with her parents, the HR dept at her work.

Do you even know what country this OM is in?

The OM is also your worse enemy at this time. For all you know, all he wants is your wife and home.

You have got to realize the dangers here.

I am so fucking glad I came here. You all are awesome and putting this in perspective.

I contacted Cordell & Cordell. This seems very hostile to me, but I can't really see a reason not to other than it's expensive.

Do I really need the emails? I guess for law reasons, but really I am not going to take the kids away (shared custody if it comes to that). Does it matter? I really don't want to know what happened. The little details. I am the kind of person that still thinks about shit that happened in 7th grade. If I know the details, then I will truly not be able to get over the affair.

We broke up after 7 months together. That was 17 years ago. She journaled about it. I read the journal. The shit she wrote in there tore me up for weeks, but we stayed together.

If I read that stuff now, what good will that do me? I mean I already imagine she blew the guy. That he rode her like a fucking stallion.

Do I need to know it was true? Do I need to know that she was planning on fucking his brains out the next time they met?

You need the emails for YOU..not necessarily in case of divorce. You need them in case you want to R. You need to know exactly what you are dealing with...what she said..and what she did. You may..or may not..want or need the intimate details of what they did sexually..but you need to know everything else. She will NOT tell you the truth.

Absolutely tell his wife. Like you, she is innocent in all of this, and deserves the truth. She also needs to know she needs to be tested for STD's.

You can get those emails. Take her phone. ASAP. The sooner you get it, the easier it will be. There are all kinds of apps and programs for getting deleted emails and texts.

Don't let your fear stop you from knowing the truth. Without the truth, you will won't be able to heal.

Affairs can mean war.

I contacted Cordell & Cordell. This seems very hostile to me,

Anymore hostile than your wife having sex with some other guy.

Affairs happen, but in your case, the affair is NOT over. Your wife is not remorseful and you have no idea what is going to happen next.

Your wife refuses to share her passwords and emails with you. Has she given you the OMs full name and phone number.

Reading her emails will tear you up, but the not knowing could really tear you up later on, the wondering can be deadly.

Your wife does not get to choose what information you get to know, only you do.

Getting all of her emails does not mean you have to read them all, but it would show at least something on her part.

Has she given you all of her passwords, if not, you will never know what is going on going forward.

You do need to expose the other man and there work. This helps ensure that the affair is killed. Your right she needs to come after you to make this work but your not going to get any of that unless you stand up for you and your kids. I would tell her clearly there are consequences for your actions and being exposed is one of those.

I would go see a attorney and find out what steps you need to take to plan for a divorce. I am not saying you have to divorce her but I would make it very real for her what she is doing.

I wont stay with a cheater. I did that once and it burned me so badly that I never want a taste of that again.

The others are right I would demand all access to her emails and any social media sites. I would also tell her if she doesn't find another job like right now that you will move to divorce.

Sorry your going through this but now is the time to fight for you and your kids.

C

Do I really need the emails?

It is a control and assertive thing as much as anything else. She doesn't get to decide what you do and do not need to see, and what may or may not heal the marriage. Only you do right now. Triage. Assert your control.

As to whether you read the emails or not, that is a different question. Separate the two of should you read them and does she owe them to you. Maybe on the first, non-negotiable on the second.

I found the OM's wife on Facebook. Should I tell her? How should I? Why the hell would she believe me? I have no proof at this point. I lost the emails since my wife deleted the account.

Can you check her cell phone history online? She was probably texting and calling him, in addition to email.

Do NOT tell your WW that you are going to tell his wife. She will warn him, and he will intercept that message.

Does her facebook indicate her phone number?

If you send her a message, it will go into her "other" folder..and most people don't even check it. So, you will need to pay $1 for your message to go to her inbox.

But, if you can get her phone number, that's best.

When you talk to her, you tell her who you are, who your wife is, and that your wife is having an affair with her husband. You tell her what you saw, what your wife has told you, and you tell her about the email account. If she looks for evidence before she confronts, he won't have a chance to delete it. You need to be kind to her, and keep your opinions about her husband to yourself. Stick to the facts, as you know them, and caution her that you don't know everything, because your wife deleted the account. But you can tell her about the time they were together in October, and where. And ask her to call you so you can confirm that she got the message, not her husband.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:52 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

You cannot take her word on anything! This is a woman who has been lying to your face repeatedly for an extended period of time while laying next to you in bed, having sex with you and everything else. What are a few more lies?

Anything related to keeping information from you for your benefit is all bullshit. You are not a child. You are etitled to any information that impacts your life that would enable you to make an informed/adult decision. Her trying to keep that information from you is not for your protection, it is to minimizes the consequences to her from you making an informed decision.

The other family is already destroyed. That woman has a right to know that while carrying her child her WH was fucking someone else. She has a right to make her own informed decision about what she can live with and what she deserves.

I think you should put a VAR in your WW's car..and a keylogger on the computer..and spyware on her phone(not her work issued phone). I don't think this affair is over. She has had zero consequences and thinks she loves him.

You need to dig for the truth...not trust the word of a lying liar who has shown you how little respect she has for you and your feelings.

I would contact her HR and see that they make sure she never goes back overseas and he never comes here and that they can not carry on through her work E-mail

Find his info and blow his world up! To his SO and family.

She is trying to get rid of evidence! RECOVER THOSE EMAILS AND SAVE TO ZIP DRIVE IN SAFE PLACE! Especially if your state has "At Fault" divorce....it could save you a lot on a divorce.

File and let her chase you or she will see you as weak. I would go after full custody and tell her she can go to POSOM and get out of mine and my daughters lives. Let her see she will miss half ay least of her daughters lives because of what she did. See how that hits her.

You need support!...she meeds accountability! tell your family and hers.

And DNA YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!You can't be sure they are yours.

If you believe they are you still do it to make her see the damage she had done.

This will hammer home the

[This message edited by DivinelyFavored at 12:03 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

Excellent advice so far from a very experienced and well moderated group. I'm no cool aid drinker. This site has helped me a lot.

You must tell the other BS. It's a moral imperative. She has a right to know. I wish someone would have told me. It would have saved me and my family from much harm. Also, it will help squelch the affair-WHICH IS STILL ON GOING!

When a woman-or man, "falls in love" as your WW has indicated, she just can't turn it off like flipping a switch. It doesn't work that way. She is still very much involved-at least emotionally, with her AP. As long as that is happening, you are in her way, you are the enemy. If you do not take harsh control she will keep the marriage open, ride the fence, use you as a door mat, manipulate you, cake eat, minimize and rug sweep. THEY ALL DO IT. It's all right out of the affair play book. The veterans here have seen it a thousand times.

Toxic friends. Your WW's workplace seems rife with them. All toxic friends who knew of and condoned the A have to go. Friends of the family only for now on.

Your WW should not be allowed to travel again until she has regained your trust. If she is truly remorseful and sincerely committed to saving you and your marriage, she is going to have to make some profound and proactive sacrifices. If she gripes about it and doesn't jump at every opportunity to right her wrongs, this is to be considered a red flag.

Watch out for quack MCs they're all over the place. Infidelity couseling is highly specialized, many think they can just wing-it. Yours sounds like an idiot.

The deleted emails. You need to know the depth and breadth of the betrayal to make informed decisions about your future. Burying your head in the sand will come back to haunt you. You need to KNOW who you are about to spend the rest of your life with, who you are about to extend the very, very precious gift of reconciliation and forgiveness to. How do you know she is worthy? You deserve the best in a mate. Don't make concessions.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 12:20 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

One of the most important reasons to get the old emails is for proof to give to OM's wife.

and one of the most important reasons to tell the OM's wife is to help keep the affair dead. Exposure is key if you want to save the marriage.

A work place affair is one of the hardest to catch and one of the hardest to keep it dead. They can start up the affair at any time without you knowing.

this is why telling the OM's wife will help you have another set of eyes on the matter.

exposure should also include her family and your family this can give you more much needed support.