SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Getting caught was what I needed to stop the behavior forever

T/j: Man I hope this is the thing being discussed in IC. End t/j

This is the R forum, we are all trying to get through a terrible trauma, we need and are looking for support, i realise we may get feedback thats hard to take, its helpful but hurts, questioning someone's choice so directly, being judgemental I have a hard time with that.

Regards the email, I would ignore it, anonymous coward causing trouble.

It's 8 months past dday. If she's being remorseful, ignore that email. It could be one of the AP trying to hurt you.

This IS the reconcillation forum, so ignore those other thoughtless and cruel jibes at your WW. I really don't understand why those replies were posted here in this forum when you are obviously trying to R.

I was not intending to be hurtful. I apologize for hurting you. My intent was to awaken you to how awful this treatment is and my rhetoric was over the top and for that I do sincerely apologize.

I was trying to express outrage, not judgment at all. Sometimes I don't express myself and I still have my own rage about my situation, so that can get misdirected.

Please accept my apology. I can delete my post if you would like.

I urge you to draw stronger boundaries, STAT. YOU deserve way better.

This is troubling to have happen for sure. Maybe you can try searching on the email address in email screen name search engines like peekyou or pipl to see what comes up. I would search on email address prior to @gmail.com as a screen name.

I would create a folder and keep it in case it continues. Documentation is good if this I harassment.

I wouldn't give too much thought to it, there was no detail and nothing new. Likely sent by a hurt BS who is mad that the OW (your WW) "got away" with cheating (in the sense that you are still with her).

If you want to find out, hire a PI and they will find whoever it is.

What would you do with this information?

My guess it is AP1 and more than likely will get this for years. Kind of fits his MO.

Any hit to your morale at this point is just horrible. I'm sorry it took a good day and turned it bad.

and yes...all those bad thoughts you ask if i have...of course i have them.... I'm traumatized, I'm not stupid

All due respect, I was the poster who asked if you were thinking it was something to be concerned about v just an angry exAP or OBS causing trouble because they are having a bad day. I wasn't asking that to insinuate that you are stupid or hadn't considered it. Rather, I was trying to respectfully ask if you were posting because you were trying to gauge how others would respond. If I received an anonymous email like that regarding my STBX my mind would immediately go there. Perhaps you were looking for just moral support for the overall shittiness of a passive aggressive anonymous email, which is absolutely something this board is good for. I didn't read it as such, though, which is why I responded how I did. It wasn't intended to accuse or be hurtful, but to give my perspective on how I would likely respond. And, after 1 DDay or 5,693, my feeling might be hurt but my reaction would be worry and suspicion.

I'm very happy for you if R is going well and your mind DIDN'T go there. That shows some real trust and progress. And I hope your WW truly has changed and woken up. God, I hope that because the pain of continued or new betrayal is not something I would wish on anyone.

If you're in R (which it looks like you are) stick together and ignore the email attack. It could bring you closer together to get through this stuff. Windows and walls, so build a wall against people who want to damage your R. Good luck and sending strength.

The message- ignore it. You can't control that. Work on what you can control.

Posters judging the number of A partners- To me, they are overlooking that we're all different, walking different paths. Tell me, which is the worst:

1- Cheating w/ a prostitute

2- Cheating w/ a bunch of prostitutes

3- A very long term affair with one person.

4- A shorter term of cheating with multiple APs.

I'll tell you which is the worst. The one that happened to you.

/rant

Ignore. Honestly? There are buttheads in this world who derive pleasure from hurting others. Who'da thunk?

Strength in your journey

I'd also like to say you should ignore this. But given the history is there some worry on your part that this is a hint being sent to you by someone who knows something?

Honestly I would probably be in investigative mode after an email like that. There's a chance it's a pissed off OBS or om but I'd worry.

- I agree with ADryHeat. If I were to receive this I would keep it and do another round of investigation. It could be some jackass trying to stir up shit for no reason or it could be AP#9. Either way, I now live with the motto of 'trust but verify'. I would do a little digging, that is what I would need to do for peace of mind.

Brief t/j

" I'll tell you which is the worst. The one that happened to you"

Canoe Va --- that is my line, used many times. I now have to sue you in SI Court for line theft.

End t/j

Getting, someone took the time to send you that email. IF they actually had some new info or facts, they would have set them out in the email. Or at the very least stated that there is something new.

This is clearly someone deciding it is humorous to be cruel. It is bullshit from scum and not worth thinking more about. You have been thru the BH wringer and by now you are no longer naive as so many of us were before our DDays. If your W were cheating again you would sense it, see the signs. If her actions are the actions of a remorseful and reformed woman and there are none of the signs of wayward behavior, accept that. Believe in what you can see, and feel and sense every day.

I think most of us have experienced the feeling of wanting to hurt the AP. I am sure the OW in my situation wanted to hurt me. There are lots of hurt feelings all the way around and there are people out there who are willing to do things as a result of those feelings--sometimes for years after the fact. I would ignore, block and move on. Who knows who it was? Does it really make any difference? If you are feeling confident in your R, don't let someone else derail it.

Regarding email - as others have said, just some bitter piece of shit. Do your best to ignore it.

Regarding posters who criticize your choice for R - the irony of this is incredible as most of them have also chosen to R (at least once) and most of them are still working towards R. Do they not realize that many if not most people off the street--people who don't know jack shit about infidelity--would hear their story about their WS and criticize their decision to attempt R.

If you're *not* asking yourself why you're staying ("even" at eight months out -- which is really just a drop in the bucket) after betrayal, that's when I'd start to worry.

The answer to serious betrayal should always be termination of the relationship.

In order for it to be something else, the betrayer should be working overtime to convince you against your better judgment that they're capable of making better decisions and offering proofs of their ability to do so.

If that question doesn't keep you awake at night for the first couple of years, you need to be asking yourself why it isn't. The answer to that question is actually moot -- could be money, could be kids, could be security, could be keeping more than 50% of your stuff plus your retirement, could even be forgiveness and love -- but you need to understand why you stay. If you don't have that, you're not making decisions about your own future.

You're just reacting.

And I wouldn't respond to the e-mail. The only ones you respond to are the ones that are clearly fishing by lovestruck APs. Then you tell them something awful like the affair was the best thing that ever happened to you because now you get to do whatever you want in the marriage -- fuck around or whatnot -- and your spouse can't say dick about it.

Thank them for your service and leave them with the suggestion that even in such a horrible aftermath, your spouse would rather be with you than with them.

When you know that self-esteem and external validation are the two primary weaknesses of people willing to engage in affairs, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to weaponize them.

In this case, not responding creates doubt and invalidation (i.e., "I'm not being heard"), which is a terrible earworm for people desperate to be heard and create drama.

I am sorry this happened to you. But even if you trust your wife, I would definitely do trust but verify. She may be having another affair, or took one underground. Just make sure.. That's what I do with my husband. The more often I find nothing,the more trust is rebuilt.

the night that i received the message, the dog started barking

as i lay in bed, i thought "what if whoever sent the message is going to start harassing us at our home... what if someone is outside?"

i told my wife that the next day. she said she had the exact same thoughts that night, but neither of us shared that w one another

we got back from a weekend out of town SUN, and as we were heading home, i thought "what if this person vandalized the house..what if we go home and someone has spray painted WHORE on our house? i told my wife this, and she said again, she thought the same thing...she hoped we wouldn't pull up to the house and see the word SLUT painted on the the front

this message...i have not replied to it, nor do i plan to...but i can't ignore it...neither of can...especially if it is fueling these fears and thoughts

So sorry you're dealing with this... I have a bit of experience on this front, unfortunately; I even had to get the authorities involved.

My advice is to ignore, but report it to the police. If it happens again, you'll have a paper trail, and you can try to get a subpoena for the IP address.

I hope it doesn't happen again, and I'm wishing you peace...