SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

hi. my EX and OW split up Sep/Oct last year.he left me for her 5 years earlier, im not sure who ended it but have a gut feeling she kicked him out as he didnt seem prepared enough for him to be ending it.

he is now back at his parents about 5 minutes away from where we live.

My XWH and the OW split up about a month after we separated.

My ex-cheater married his OW. I think they've been married about 2.5 years now.

However...

I like to think of myself as the ideal ex-wife. I stay far, far away from the whore couple. I don't ever ask my kids about them or try to pump the kids for information. The less I know, the better. When the kids do complain, I encourage them to talk to their dad about their feelings. I never interfere (as long as there isn't abuse or neglect involved). When I do contact ex-cheater, I keep my emails short, business-like, and focused on the kids.

My ex, however, continues to treat me as though I'm a drama queen who is prone to scenes. He won't respond to simple questions about the kids in a reasonable amount of time. He and his wifetress make rude comments about me to the kids-- My ex recently called me "lazy" to our DD, and the wifetress made some comment about how my sons will go and "tattle to their mother" about something really stupid that I wouldn't have cared about. Why is that? If life is so wonderful for them, you'd think they'd be happy all the time. You'd think my ex would deal with me in the same way I deal with him and then walk away. I shouldn't mean anything to him. I shouldn't be provoking any anger in either of them.

They're still together, but I don't think it's "working out" like they thought it would. They still need to keep me as central to their lives as possible; I sometimes think I'm the glue that keeps them together. It gives them a rush to think that it's their love against my evil, or something like that, and I think they get off on it. Plus, I think my ex is pissed that I've written him off and that I look down on him and his trashy Owife. I was supposed to take the blame for his cheating, beg him to forgive me, and either stay with him or become BFFs with his whore-partner-in-crime.

Like STBM said, I hope they stay together. They deserve each other!

We all struggle with this, but miserable people are miserable with or without you, no one can change that for them in the long term.

My Story:

First W was serial cheater and shopaholic. She Stole my identity and those of other family members and spent close to 1 million over 18 months, 200k of which was debt run up in my name. We claimed chapter 13 and spent the next 5 years paying off the debt. Not 2 years out of bankruptcy and she took up with her wealthy boss. We divorced after 15 years of marriage, she married him. FF 5 years and I run into to her brother's soon to be ex wife who tells me:

1: my ex is miserable, to the point of trying to convince her new step-son's girlfriend to dump him and run away because the family is boring and life is hell with them

2: she ripped off her new husband for 50K 3 years into their marriage. He found out and agreed to let it go this one time with the condition she attends a 12 step program

3: she is now banging a guy from her 12 step program, hubby doesn't know.

This info made my decade, but i'm sure this is very common. Don't think it's gonna be all unicorns and rainbows for them while you suffer. It won't be

[This message edited by ivan65 at 4:55 PM, February 10th (Wednesday)]

Ivan65 - i know man. I try and not think about it like that. Right now it's just so hard to not think of them sitting on the couch watching shows together like we used to, cooking together, sleeping in bed together. It makes me sick and i can't get the images out of my head. I know a lot of people out there think that their WS will be one of the 3% who end up happy and living a great life with their AP and that's just not how it goes the majority of the time. I still can't help thinking that though.

Thatguy728,

The way I see it, your STBXWW is not really in a relationship with the guy.

It's very very similar to what my XWW had with her adultery partner.

It's a trade arrangement.

My then WW was trading sex and blowjobs for cheap compliments from a friends neighbor.

And calling it the love of legends.

You should have read the sickening, teen-inspired, love letters I found that she wrote him.

Romeo and Juliet didn't have shit on my disgusting WW and her scummy adultery guy.

Until I filed for divorce....

It was funny how it fell apart.

Her family was actually supportive of me when they found out and they told her that the guy would never be accepted into their family.

So she ended it with him after she got served - and I got the tearful phone calls wanting to talk and reconcile.

I declined.

He now stands as the only living man on Earth that is scorned

by the likes of my pathetic XWW.

He apparently really fell apart when she ended it - depression, suicidal, etc.

Over an inconceivably dishonest, worthless piece of shit like my ex.

Don't worry, it's an addiction that feeds on lies and delusions.

The effort needed to keep fueling the bullshit fantasy will tire them both.

That is a position that I would never, ever want to be in.

Keptmyword - thanks for writing that. Her folks don't know the reason we got divorced but soon they will once the divorce is final. I was very close with them and then they just cut off contact as soon as their daughter was "unhappy". The sad thing is, once they find out they would still probably accept this guy into the family as long as he made their little girl happy.

My friend and I were talking about this. Her father left her mother 20+ years ago for the OW and they are still married. I said, "You know, your father and step-mother are the exception to the rule. Only 0.75% of affairs turn into successful marriages."

And she said, "Yeah, I wouldn't call their marriage SUCCESSFUL . . ."

What are the chances that a relationship built upon a foundation of fantasy and lies will turn into a functional, healthy, lasting relationship? As Oprah always said, if s/he cheated WITH you, s/he'll cheat ON you.

Swmnbc - true words!

The XH and his AP lasted about 2 years.

After dday, his royal highness took off like a shot and moved in with the human mattress AP. AP left her H for XH and they moved to the "haven" (the AP's words) which was a subsidized housing unit in the 'hood. She had 3 kids and 2 dogs (XH hates pets and isn't crazy about kids) and they set up the love nest.

I heard through the grapevine that XH was disappointed with AP because she misrepresented herself, liked drinking a bottle of wine every night, used him as an exit affair and was bossy. He ended up declaring bankruptcy as he financed the A by maxing out his credit cards. His friends all disowned him, his family would not have anything to do with him and his son (from a previous relationship) was no longer a priority in his life.

Low and behold, AP cheats on XH with her XH. She kicks him out and gets back together with her XH. My XH hooks up with a waitress at a local burger joint. He moves in with the waitress who is an immigrant widow with 5 kids.

XH is a life-long parasite and cannot make it on his own. He is a perpetual victim and sucks in people with his "poor me" stories. He was broken long before we got together and will go on limping through life. That is his pattern. I learned, after the fact, that he has cheated on every adult relationship he has ever had. He brings nothing to the relationship and leaves with nothing. I believe that is on purpose.

I no longer focus on him and his failures. I am solely focused on me and my victories. He does not deserve one nano-second of my head space. You will get there too.

I believe that stbx and the OW came unglued not too long after Dday. I have friends who have seen him recently and tell me how fat he has become so this tells me that he is alone. Both of his A's had him dieting and working out so the fact that he has fallen back to old habits of self medicating with food and booze point to him being alone.

Also, I got a nasty text from him a couple of weeks ago, completely out of the blue and after nc for almost a year. Seems life isn't as sweet as he thought it would be after off loading me and the kids. Too bad, so sad.

I on the other hand have recently started seeing a wonderful man and haven't been this happy in many, many years.

My happiness, unlike his, doesn't depend on his unhappiness. I just don't care.

tts

She left me for her drug dealer. They got married and lasted 2 years before she came back and wanted to try again. I had moved on.

My XH married the final OW about 22 years ago and they are still married. I was married to him for 13 years. No, I don't think they are "happy" and yes I believe he cheated on her too.

There are occasions with our shared children where I see my X and her together. It is funny because they seem to be rather close and snuggly and touchy-feely to each other when I'm around them. But my DS told me this is a bizarre act that only happens when I am around! He actually finds it sort of funny. He says they normally act like they can't stand each other!

I enjoy reading stories about how a few homewreckers get the consequences they deserve, but I don't really think they usually do. In fact I think we live in a society that rewards cheaters and liars, especially women.

My DS's XW left him for her OM about a year and half ago. Everyone is surprised it has lasted that long and she is still posting on FB how much she loves him and would never cheat on him because she is too busy loving her man to look at other guys.

I am so tempted to comment under her posts about how she met him while married to my DS, two days after her previous affair partner-lover dumped her! But she might de-friend me on FB if I did that and we can't have that, now can we?

Yeah, I'm being a little facetious there; I am tempted to delete her as a friend because I can't stand seeing her happy posts about her bf but I really don't want to do that because I get a little more info about how she is caring (or not caring) for my grandchildren by having that slight window into her new life.

Someone here posted that only about 3% of relationships work out long term when they start out as affair partners. I think that is probably accurate BUT, I also think only about 3% of all relationships work out long term, regardless of how they started out.

My happiness, unlike his, doesn't depend on his unhappiness. I just don't care.

BRAVO, trying to smile. I love that line, and feel that way more and more each day.

To be honest, I used to almost crave hearing whether or not things were going happily (with the AP) at their dad's house, and I cannot even remember the last time I thought about that. I'm happier for it, and so are the kids.

There is life on the other side.

[This message edited by stronggirl72 at 11:33 AM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

He walked out of our house and right into hers. That was February 2010.

OC was born October 2010. Several break-ups and domestic incidents right from the beginning.

Their final break-up was November 2011. Guess the new baby didn't add to their fantasy life so well.

In my case, mow didn't make it more than a couple of months with her soulmate (my wxh).

She then re-married her bxh, who truly is the stupidest man on earth (my wxh is the second stupidest, so she's on quite a roll).

My wxh hen picked up a tramp from the local convenience store and it's been sheer bliss ever since. Last year, convince store girl called me to ask if wxh ever hit me, so I can only assume that it's not going well in their 'hood.

Yet she stays. Whatever.

XWH#2 went straight from jail to OW's apartment. He was not allowed anywhere near me so his parents came to get his things and said he had an apartment. I said I am sure he is moving in with the whore. They said he wasn't. I said he doesn't even have sheets and has not had time to get an apartment approved. Anyway they later told me I was right, but that didn't stop them from letting AP in their home.

Anyway, they have been together for a little over a year and our D became final in last Aug. When she had outed the LTA 3yrs earlier she said she was his fiance'. I told her he can't have a fiance' , he's married to me. Sure enough he had bought her a ring. He called it a "friendship ring". Talk about juvenile. Anyway I have not heard anything about the happy ceremony taking place as of yet. He still fu@ks with me every couple of months in order to have some contact because I am sure that life is pretty non-eventful now they don't have me to blame. I only answer texts, never calls, and I only say in as few professional words as possible to send my SS or not. If not I will let my attorney handle the contempt charge and he knows I'll do it. I usually get a deposit shortly thereafter where he texts and calls me a leach (leech..dumbass). I just smile as I spend the money and could care less what he does with AP or whoever. He can call me whatever he likes, because I still get to collect 1/2 his pension and his first wife got 1/2 when they were married and that will have nothing to do with him, except he can't retire in a few years like he wanted.

I actually hope they stay together forever. They are both low-lives and deserve each other. I would hate to know that either of them were out there ruining other innocent lives. The last time I saw him, during the final D hearing, he looked like hell. I guess the drinking and all night sex is taking a toll. Hopefully he will kill over from an OD on Viagra.

Goddamn, folled13years. I hate to hear about Barbs suicide. I know it was hard for you, because it was hard for me to hear. Please remember, none of this was your fault. They where all damaged people. If she had separated herself from them at the beginning she would have been better off. You aren't to blame. Good luck brother.

I've got one!

My friend Vicky, a bit of a whack job but we had history and stayed in touch. She marries a lovely guy. Just a stand up, kind, do right by the world kinda guy. And I wondered - how a whackadoodle like her landed a guy like that.

She ends up befriending and then starting an affair with a local fireman. Hubby finds a love letter she has written, with enough details to motivate hubby to throw her out that night and he never spoke to her again. Divorce was final shortly thereafter. She was devastated that he didn't give her a chance to fix things and she had no where to go and no job as he was supporting her through her undergrad degree.

So what's a gal to do? She moves in with AP fireman. Within 3 months, he's hitting her, and spitting in her face - I was shocked at the degradation of his abuse - verbal and physical.

I learned all this when she showed up at my out of town university to attend graduate school. It was her attempt to flee the abusive relationship, but she was struggling and still in contact.

I ended the friendship when she wanted me to let him stay with my infant son and I for a weekend (she couldn't have overnight guests where she was staying). I said - um no? I don't think so - and that was the end.

Whether she stayed with AP or finally broke free matters little - she lost either way.

[This message edited by sassylee at 11:55 PM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

My first husband also cheated...he actually cheated multiple times...but eventually he left me for one...they didn't even make it a year!

So much for happily ever after, right?! Lol