SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Cost me the cream of my 80s LP collection.

Actually cost me a lot more stuff but now – this many years later – the records are the only thing I still miss. My brother forgot to get them when he went to gather my stuff. I couldn’t enter that apartment again after what I saw.

Still miss my copy of Thriller with the party-scratch that made the needle loop in the intro to Billy Jean .

In ways I’m fortunate. I could walk away from my situation with “only” emotional damage a few weeks before we planned to marry and probably less than three months from when we would probably be getting our first mortgage and all that stuff.

[This message edited by Bigger at 10:28 AM, July 7th (Thursday)]

My health!! My security in our future together, and the knowledge that I was his "only one"... he used to tell people he found "her" when we met... that one special person he was waiting for... now I'm not that ONE special person anymore.

My health has suffered drastically over the last year and a half. I instantly lost a lot of weight. My nerves were shot for about a year which really screwed up my fibromyalgia. The constant adrenaline and cortisol in my system also screwed up my vitamin D absorption so now I'm on Vit D supplements and my hair started falling out about a year into this mess.

My health is beginning to recover but I'm not sure when the rest will. I guess that's part of R.

Bigger, I guess you dodged a bullet

I actually had a copy of Thriller too lol

I guess the biggest thing for me cost wise was my dignity , I was ridiculed and never knew it, everyone knew about what she was doing but me ... I was always a good husband and father. That's the part I'm having a hard time with these days because like all of you I never deserved how I was treated.

Why would it cost you your dignity?

Did you hold to your values while all this was going on?

Have you been an honest man throughout all this?

Did you keep your word and the vows you made to her?

If you have children, have you kept living an authentic life in front of them?

If you have been doing all this then your dignity, your honor, and your self-esteem should be greater than ever.

Again, your dignity, your honor, and your self-esteem should be greater and higher than it has ever been.

Yes, there is immense pain involved in this, but that does not have anything to do with your dignity or integrity.

I have been divorced now for over three years from a remorseless, lying, deceitful, backstabbing piece of shit that the government forces me to give a welfare check every month called child support.

That has cost me, and continues to cost me financially.

The pain I feel for my children still hurts badly - and it always will hurt because they loved the family they had and I know that they would love to have that family back.

That has cost me emotionally.

My XWW's dysfunctional "friends" also knew about and supported her "sex-for-compliments" affair.

They spent quite some time trashing me while drinking wine but being all buddy-buddy to me to my face.

Thing is, they were trashing all their husbands, they were all adulterer's, and they are all divorced or in the process of divorce.

I know about being villified for no other reason than some one wanting to give them self justification for submitting to their addictions and doing something they know is fundamentally wrong and incredibly destructive.

But, did I submit to any form of shitty behavior or did I hold fast to my values and moral compass throughout this nightmare?

I held to my values no matter what.

And, my children have watched me do so.

I will be able to look at them and tell them that I maintained my integrity through the most emotionally wrenching nightmare while being smeared by their mother and her enablers.

And they will will be able to look at me and say, "We know."

My dignity is soaring.

keptmyword

to answer your questions

1. I think my self esteem was hurt more

2. Hell yes

3. Yes

4. Yes , I've keep my word... your are nothing if your word means nothing

5. My children know how much I love them... I always make time for them and I never bad mouthed my wife one bit

I understand that I should think my honour and all that should be greater but unfortunately I miss placed my value in the hands of another.. I will never do that again.

I'm glad that things are working out for you all things considered. I hope to be there one day too

Peace, my sanity, and the idea that there are still good, trust worthy people out there.

1. My husband

2. My Family

3. 15 years of my life

4. Time with my children

5. My sanity

6. self-esteem

7. Retirement (with the cost we are paying to get divorce, I will not have any retirement anymore after this)

8. Shattered memories

9. I'm a different person

10. My future

The short list -

Dignity

Pride

Ego

Dreams

Trust in humanity

Health

Self-esteem

Confidence

Ability to believe in people

Ability to trust others

Smiling

Peace of mind

Friends

Memories (rewriting history)

It has cost me these past 5+ years of time, trying to get back on my feet. Time that could have been used for something else. Since I couldn't concentrate for quite awhile after Dday, it affected my work performance/career. It has extremely affected my health-----my anxiety level is still at an all time high. Don't know if I will ever feel safe again.

It nearly cost me my life. I found his "other" phone and it autodialed the woman and she told me to "fuck off" and I took an overdose of Ativan.

I was taken to the ER/psych overnight for that. Now on my medical record I have "Suicide Attempt". That will be on there FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. That could impact my ability to get a job, to get custody should I file for divorce, and on, and on, and on.

That's the biggie. Of course there was the loss of who I had believed for 18 years to be my best friend. The loss of the feeling that I was in a partnership. The loss of respect. The loss of trust. The loss of joy. The loss of self-confidence. My autoimmune disorder went haywire. I've lost a lot of hair due to the stress.

The biggest cost is the family as our children are young and then there's still a long long list.

I've lost so much you can't count it.

What can be gained? Anyone keen to try that list?

I was naive. I believed in true love and fairy tale endings. I believed in dreams come true. I was a hopeless romantic - notes, flowers, grand gestures.

I don't believe in true love or fairy tales. I go through the motions of notes and flowers.

It cost me my mental health. I have been hospitalized 2 times and have been on medications I can't get off of since Dday.

To be honest I am vastly different than I was before Dday. I am still optimistic in life, just not anything in regards to M or love.

It cost me my joy. I no longer have a deep level of joy in my life. Life is good, not great.

Forget the fact we were one and onlies...the biggest issue for me is our daughters wedding....my H shared all the plans and even pictures ....my DD and I had the best time together planning and she and I were inseparable ...dress fittings days at the beach...beautiful memories...basically all FWH. Had to do was SHOW UP...walk his beautiful daughter down the aisle....give the speech ( of which he never mentoned let alone thank me) then show the pictures to OW... dday was 1 week after he shared those pictures...of all the time he stole from me that memory hurts the worst....because if my daughter knew she would be devasted....it really is the collateral damage that costs the most....its the STEALING of time and memories that can do the most damage...my self esteem is better...the therapy costs were money well spent...its the memories that cost me the most....

In the beginning I thought he costs me everything. My health is not good and the LTA made it worse. I lost the best job I ever had because I was out of state when OW decided to spill the beans and I became a basket case. I lost my house, cattle, farm, lots of personal things I had to sell, etc...Now I know those were just things.

I guess the time I wasted living with two XWH's for 30+yrs is the one thing I can't get back. I am doing my best to bury all the bad memories and just embrace the good ones. The only other thing I lost is the ability to totally trust anyone again.

Now I know that they really didn't cost me a whole lot. My health is better (never will be great), I have a new home, new friends, a SO who is not a cheater or NPD or an alcoholic. I kept my dignity and my honesty. My self-esteem took a hit for a while, but I know I am a good person. I am financially OK, not rich, but not starving either. So overall it may seem grime for a while, but you will eventually get to a better place. Just make sure you are not trying to R with an unremorseful spouse, because it will never work and you will never get to a better place until you say enough. BTDT.

I lost my ability to trust for sure. I feel kinda jaded now, like I can't just sometimes enjoy things because I expect the rug to get pulled out from under me? That's a little exaggerated, I don't look at life like that all the time, but I do feel I'm a little more alert than go with the flow. I used to be pretty chill.

I lost me. The real me I could have been if he hadn't pushed me down and squashed me with his controlling ways. My self esteem and self worth. I don't know who I am any more and have to try and find her. My hopes and dreams and memories and time. 23 years of my life nearly half of it which I will never get back. It's just so sad.

Easy. It cost me my life. My stbx's affair cost me my life. Not literally. Not yet. But he's taking it, day by day. I've lost all my hopes, all my dreams. I have no faith in humanity. I can't imagine ever trusting anyone again.

My stbx is the human form of pure evil. Even after filing, I am still learning that there is more evil to be found. New levels. I never even knew people like this existed in the world, and how I was stupid enough to be duped into marrying one, loving one, and spending twenty years of my life with one, I will never understand, let alone come to terms with.

He has taken away everything. There is no point in waking up in the morning. Each day is worse than the last, and there is no end in sight. I take no pleasure in anything in life anymore. I just get through it so I can go back to bed. I did what I was supposed to, I loved with my whole heart, I worked hard and did the right things. He did whatever the hell he wanted and ruined mine and my children's lives. He doesn't lose a wink of sleep at night, and he will come out of this divorce better than I will. I am filled with hatred, bitterness, and sadness.

Absolutely everything is affected...what I mostly lost was hope..... hope about marriage, love, family, our childrens feelings, the future, etc...

I see the world differently ..I am very detached from feelings...

I have started finding myself again...and I feel very separate, and alone...but ok....I remember myself before H....The woman who married him, and lived with him no longer exists. I remember who I was pre H....I like her....I missed her. The affair cost me my identity.