SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My sense of safety, I have felt uneasy and frightened since 2011. I have no idea of what or who it is i'm frightened of, I just feel scared. It's as if the A 'knocked' me so hard that I feel permanently stunned.

My trust in the world. I used to be a very trusting person, I thought that others were the same as me. I doubt I will ever get that back.

Ruined my enjoyment of DS's birthday. A must've started about a month prior to his birthday, and Dday no.1 was a few days before his sixth birthday.

That special feeling, the exclusiveness of 'us'.

That a third person is eternally mixed into 'our story'.

The feeling of purity and integrity which is a result of having willingly and knowingly taken that oath, 'to foresake all others for as long as you both shall live'.

Taken my feeling that we were special. By that i don't mean superior. What i mean is I used to feel that we (fWH and me) were special; lucky to have met each other and to have fallen for each other.

My peace of mind.

Financially, it's thousands of pounds. fWH was on what can only be described as some kind of mission prior to and during his A. During the A time, which was about four or five months, he got into a lot of debt, about £10,000 and was dismissed from his job.

The financial loss is merely a niggle in comparison to the emotional costs.

It definitely caused a ton of pain and suffering. The hardest part for sure was the break-up of my family, and the loss of what I thought would always be. On the flipside, there was so much I gained:

Appreciation for every moment with my kids now that I have to share the time 50%.

Closer relationships with family and friends who supported me and my kids through this nightmare.

Better health and fitness. I'm physically and mentally stronger than I have been in the past 20 years!

A belief in myself and the realization that I am responsible for my life and my happiness.

My self worth. My sense of security and stability. I use to feel special to him and he took that away from me and I think I miss that the most. It cost me the one person I believed in and the only one I've ever felt loved me. I miss the person I use to be. He use to make me stronger...now he makes me weaker. When I use to look in my husband's eyes I felt safe, loved, protected,valued now when I look in his eyes I feel vulnerable, sadness, disposable, insecure, fear, unsure and I wonder who he really is. I feel like I need to protect myself from him.

And I feel angry at myself and my therapist. I spent the first 10 years of my marriage undoing the trauma and damage from my childhood. And I did that the wrong way and I feel lke my therapist should have saw what I was doing. I built my self worth around the way I believed my husband saw me and loved me.

Financially around $100k between him secretly supporting OCs, general affair expenses, and the marital debt I had to eat do to his uncontrollable spending (I apparently, and unknowingly, bought him a $1,500 set of new truck tires three months before I kicked him out, aren't I nice?).

All the rest was temporary psychological and emotional cost that I am now past, with exception of ongoing emotional issues with my kids that I wish I didn't have to be dealing with (it's heartbreaking).

Now, ask me what I gained. THOSE things are priceless in comparison, and that is what I choose to focus on.

My wife and I are still trying to work it out but the dreams about her affair cause me to stay Wake in fear of dreaming what they did. Just disgusts me. The emotional hurt will always be there. But with kids you try and do the best you can because they are the most important.

My

Joy

Health

Ability to trust

Enjoyment of sex with him... I think of her every time

My love of Christmas

The joy of music

My spark

My passion for life

My ability to dream ahead

My 30's

It's been 10 years since R and I can't say it gets any easier. I'm still broken. You can put pieces together but it will never be the same thing. I would not be better off elsewhere, just need to keep working on me. Don't love him? Deeply. Is it different? Definitely.

I'm managing, trying my best to keep him happy.

Quite a lot.

My family.

A lot. But the most important thing is peace. I never feel at peace anymore. I think that is the worst thing of all.

WH's A(s) completely fucked me up.

It cost me who I would have been had he never cheated. :(

It cost me my youth.

It cost me my joy, my trust, my safety, my health, my carefree love of my H.

I really hate that he did this to us AGAIN!

Faith, I have lost faith that my WH is my safe haven in this crazy, busy, challenging world we live in.

I lost faith that being a kind, loving wife who always considered my WH's feelings and needs was appreciated and he knew that was special.

I lost faith that I have good judgement, that I really know the man I married and that I have a good and strong marriage.

I have lost faith in my ability to relax and be at peace, I will be forever looking over my shoulder.

I have lost faith in our history, deception challenges all truths.

My sense of self. I've always been considered independent and strong and capable, blah blah blah. When did I become a woman who stays with a man who treated me so poorly? Who the fuck am I?

..not much really...

..only my heart, my soul, my reality..

..only 40 years of my life..

..only what I believed and who I trusted..

..only 20+ pounds and the ability to sleep peacefully.

--- nothing much really..

smy

Health (psychological and physical)

Sleep

Sanity

Humiliation

Finances

Peace

Dreaming of a future together

Dreaming of the future at all

Trust

Belief in love and fairy tales and romance

Feeling like I have someone who will always have my back

But most of all, peace.

This is a good question, Patgagnon1!

My H's A cost me my home, my church, some of my friends, my dignity, my feelings of self-worth, my ability to trust the man I pledged my life to, feelings of safety or security in my marriage, and, for a while there, my health (H and OW gave me a few gifts that keep on giving). It also cost my ability to get a good night's sleep (I have honestly not had one since before Dday), and sometimes my self-control (I find myself using language I never did before when I am triggered).

Hugs to you all. As I read through your responses, I realize how damaging our S's A's have been to us. I hope and pray for peace and future happiness for us all.