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It really depends on the state and local laws. I've been to a couple as a single guy. They both were on the classier side as opposed to sketchy. The strippers dance on stage and then work the room. Most recently, in Baltimore, it was $20 for a semi-clothed lap dance away from the stage but still open area on the second floor where touching was allowed. A couple offered me to go in a private back room for $100 but there's no way in the world that I'm going to do that. Can't help you there.

So sorry that you are here but this place is a great resource and comfort.

Former stripper, here. (10 years) NYC area.

You can ask me anything.

There are different types of clubs. Some are nude, some are not nude (this is usually defined by liquour laws)

Sometimes a regular lap dance happens out in the open on the club floor, but there are also lap dance/couch dance rooms.

The champagne room is private, and one of the selling points of the room itself. It's a bulk of time, instead of paying for individual lap dances.

As a stripper, ever girl had her own rules. I wouldn't dance for guys in pajama pants/ basketball shorts (yuck)! Nothing happened in my bikini area. Sometimes guys could touch my breasts if they paid big $$$. I did hear of certain girls that did extras, but that was about it.

Let me tell you about this key piece of information: every single damn night men propositioned ME! ME! "Hey, my hotel is down the street..." Or "let me take you out for dinner..." Or "I'll pay you $100 for sex." Pathetic.

Thank you all!!! BeachBlonde....Thank you. Please tell me if you know this is how it works...This is his story..... He went in for a lap dance! He said he got a legitimate lap dance..Then, of course, he dont remeber (BS) how it came about but i'm sure he asked her to sit on him.... She said $250 he paid, pulled his pants down, he said she slapped a rubber( I pray) on him and sat on him! Is this the way it works? Do men have to pay for sex before even going into the backroom? Do they know they can have sex before going back there? This is a nude BYOB strip club..... Hands down a F*@! club... I have done A LOT of searching on this club!! The reviews will tell you exactly what this place is all about.... Illegal as it is..... means nothing.....This place is referred to as the "Russian Parade" :( very sad......MOB thank you I did read the thread you bumped up and one of the things it said was not to worry about details....... LOL I have to! I need to know!!! I cannot move forward without knowing the truth of what my WH did.....

BeachBlonde I am sorry you are here with us..... Hope you are o.k.

[This message edited by loss4words at 11:30 AM, September 26th (Monday)]

Have been to quite a few in many cities with business contacts. Only once in over 20 years has someone been offered more than just a lap dance (and that was only a hand job).

I'm sure it happens but I haven't witnessed it and you can be sure the guys I've been with would tell me if they got more. I'm also sure some of them asked.

Maybe it's because we go to the "nicer" places - more gentlemen's club than strip joint. I don't know. But the assumption that prostitution is rampant in these places has not been my experience.

The bouncers I've witnessed have always been very "firm" about the rules (no touching). The clubs are also highly scrutinized by local law enforcement. You can be sure if word got around it was easy to get laid in a club, they would have problems. And, none of these places are going to risk being closed down and losing their easy cash flow.

Ok loss4words

I'm going to try to break it down. I've never done extras before, but if I were, this is probably how it would/could happen:

Either I'm sitting at the bar talking with a guy and either I or the man mentions extras. In order to do this, we would have to go to a private room, probably the champagne room in order to do the deed. The man would have to pay the club the cover for the room for the allotted time. For example, my club's champagne room was $200/half hour (when I worked in Manhattan, it was much more). So, when we would get into the champagne room, there could have been more money on top of that paid directly to me.

I swear that between the dancer and your husband, there had to be some sort of agreement or discussion. I've had a few guys try to pull their pants down when my back was turned and I wanted to sit on their lap- no joke! But, if that did happen, I had them removed from the club. There's no way a guy could just pull down his pants and I just oblige. I think there must have been something negotiated, so I wonder who was the first to bring it up. I'm so sorry.

Now, I don't know this club you're talking about. I don't know what reviews you're reading, but my club was on a message board called "Stripclublist [dot] com. A lot of people actually would write reviews about other dancers, including myself, and make us seem like we're all prostitutes. That isn't the case.

Obviously some clubs are much better than others, but you're going to to get girls who do extra in all kinds of establishments. We actually had a girl seeing me outside of the club after work, as well as a few Russian girls who did things on the side, too.

We actually hate when girls do side things because it screws up the money for the good girls. I'd bring a guy back for a dance, and I would be often asked, "what do I get for $20? Why happens in the champagne room?"

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I thank you for not judging me on being a dancer. I went to school, traveled, and was able to start a business with my dancing money.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

*edit* my last post was meant to say "seeing MEN, not "seeing me." :)

SurvivingEA and CluelessGuy...It must have been my husbands lucky, or, not so lucky night!!! I have no doubt that he went in for a lap dance and got laid in the process. He told me after his "legit" lap dance the conversation came up.... Not sure if she was her up selling or him asking still (I'm sure he asked) trying to get the truth..... and I will get the truth! It does not matter the laws of the state! That is just ridiculous! I have written numerous letters to local, law, and officials of what transpired! Especially, it being election year! I am sure it was laughed at, thrown out, they know exactly what is going on there!!! It is no secret!

BeachBlonde Thank you...I do not judge anyone, ever! My mom always said "don't judge anyone until you have walked in their shoes"! I blame no one but my husband..He is to fault of his infidelity at my son's bachelor party! No One knows the personal pain we are going through when we walk into work with a big old FAKE smile. What a bunch of Bull Shit! BeachBlonde You are close enough to me that I am sure you know of this place.....

I told my husband that a stripper is actually smart! 1.) They make a lot of $$ 2.) They (some) can screw who they want with no emotion attached!They don't get hurt and they don't care who they hurt! Smart! Unlike a good, loyal, faithful, loving, stupid, foolish wife who thinks her husband loves her enough not to do what he did!!! Smart!!! Yes! I wonder why people do what they do? I have been through unspeakable shit in my life!!! I have survived it all!!! Until now! My husband was who I thought my best friend the person that would never hurt me, the man I looked up to, I thought he was such a wonderful human lol...... I am such a fool! To think there was actually a person in this world that you could trust lol laughable!

I am sad every day! I don't know how to be happy again! I don't know what to do! I am in counseling, marriage counseling, He is trying (jerk Off) but, seriously F!@# that BS! You F@#$ a stripper!!!!!! And! paid for it.. My mind is a mess!!!!!!!! Sorry!

Oh wow. He did this at your son's bachelor party? That's a serious lack of impulse control. Did son do something similar?

I think I'd be less focused on the details of who started the negotiation and what room they were in and focus more on whether this was the first time he did this. Most first transgressions do not happen in the proximity of family. First times are usually well hidden. Then waywards get bolder over time and there's nothing bolder than paying for and having sex in the middle of your son's party.

So, I don't think this was your husband's first rodeo. Maybe you are thinking along the same lines and that's why you need to know whether WH was the one to proposition? Because if he was, then he clearly knew it was an option. Probably from doing it before.

I'm sorry.

Hi annanew, My husband said it was in a booth with a curtain. It was a "private" lap dance. I don't know who knows and I am not sure what my son did. I would pray he would not do that to his new wife. I can't imagine that men don't have a conscious. They have to look in a mirror as we all do! Our marriage was never one that my husband goes out without me. If we go out it's together or we stay home together. I always have full access to his phone, computer. I never had a reason to believe he cheats on me all the time. I don't know that to be true.. yet! Nothing is off limits at this point. They were playing yard games in the yard most of the evening. Around mid-night they took a cab to strip club. My husband was drunk when he left the house. The only reason I let him go was to look over my son, lol, yep..I trusted him enough not to cheat on me. And I was foolish enough to think that does not happen in strip clubs... I know i'm a fool!!

I've seen depictions of strip clubs on TV. They show gorgeous, young, healthy and fit women. My experience is that the women are pasty looking, flabby or emaciated, and the costumes (this was a bikini club) were downright silly. Like bad imitations of a kids dance recital. I also found two strippers injecting something into their labia. "No track marks" said one in response to the shocked look on my face.

I went there to confront fSAWH. He was in a private room, somewhere, but the guys at the bar were sickly looking losers. He claims it was "only" lap dances, idk. In my area, only the strippers do the touching, but we all know that rule isn't followed. And he is thoroughly disgusted with himself.

And I second what others have said

Two cousins were strippers. The nicknames they had for their clients, wankers with wallets, etc. One married the owner of her club, he bought her two children, beat her, etc. She is now 73, much plastic surgery, she is still on the hunt, taking advantage of whomever will pay her for anything. The other killed herself. Their poor children.

I'm going to add that I think the women in these clubs are victims. Willing victims in many cases but still victims. I think it's sad that sex(uallity) sells, almost to the exclusion of everything else.

I believe most strippers and prostitutes fall into a category where it is almost impossible for them to live with a "straight" job they may or may not be able to get due to finances. I also think that many have such poor self esteem, they don't see their worth in the job market, or haven't had the confidence to explore their options. BleachBlonde, I too won't judge your choices and don't know your story, but I hope you've been able to maintain your self esteem and confidence.

Not to mention, the very suggestive "dances" taught to even very young girls in classes, the proliferation of "dance teams" in football (my son referred to them as the "slutty" cheerleaders) and you see young girls feeling as though that is their primary value-how sexy they can look.

None of this is new, and it certainly doesn't excuse any men who add to the victimization. I taught my sons that this kind of view of women, that they are merely meat to be marketed, is wrong.

It's many years since the advent of the women's movement and long past time for change.

And loss, I understand your need to know everything. I choose not to hear the gory details, I know I'd obsess. That is your right. And I'm sorry you are here.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 1:34 PM, September 27th (Tuesday)]

What you are describing is *possible*, given the alcohol factor, but it's not *likely*. To see why... try to imagine yourself at a male strip club, with your daughters. You are not a frequenter of strip clubs, and you're married with kids. When you enter that door, you don't even think it's a possibility that you will be offered sex. That's not something you expect to happen. Just being there already feels "naughty". So when one of the male strippers whispers in your ear that you can have sex for $100 in the back room... You're shocked. You're not going to say yes. He's just presented you with an offer to cross about a dozen red lines that you've never crossed before... cheating, sex with someone new, paying for sex, breaking the law, sex in a semi-public environment, sex with your daughter just outside the room,etc. It's too many boundaries for a first time offender to cross. On the other hand, if you'd already crossed some of those boundaries before, you'd be more likely to cross them again in this new situation.

I'd be happy to be wrong. Just want you to get transparency in your marriage. I think a polygraph is in order.

My marriage's downward spiral started with what I guess you'd call DDay #1 in Feb of 2015. I realized my husband was really into strip clubs all of the sudden. There was a ton of lying and half hearted attempts at R, MC, IC, blah blah blah.

DDay#2 July 2015, he was at it but worse. Tried to tell me it was nothing and lap dances were innocent. Lots of cash flew out the window. I wanted to save my marriage and worked harder at R, MC,IC blah blah blah.

On DDay#3 June 2016,I told him we were through.

I launchd a full scale offensive and combed through all of our financials, phone and computer records, texts emails etc.

Found charges to my company's LOC ( he was the administrator) for strip clup and hotel room dating 4/15. Other charges to joint account, business account and tons of cash withdrawals all during this time. Hundreds of texts to same number.

Do I know there was sex involved? No. Will he ever tell me the truth? No. Does it matter? I thought it did. I have driven myself bonkers trying to get the truth. Wanting to believe there was no actual f***ing going on. Hoping that this was some "guy thing" that is socially acceptable and not adulterous.

Truly, I have made myself sick over it.

I was numb when I saw the hotel room charge. It was on the line below the $280 charge to the strip club.

I felt nauseous. But then I felt relieved. All of the sudden, every doubt I had about divorcing him melted away. I felt vindicated and validated.

I still think sometimes "well, maybe there was no sex". Maybe he stopped short because of his deep love and concern for me. HA!

The only truth is that it doesn't matter.

What goes on in strip clubs? I will never know. I have heard lots of explanations here and elsewhere. But it does't matter. Money for sex or the promise of sex or pre-sex or just to drool at another women without getting slapped. Whatever it is, if it comes with a heavy dose of lies and not an ounce of remorse, he may as well have stuck his dick in her. What does it matter?

Either way, STD testing is a good idea. If he gets upset and defends himself like mine did just look him straight in the eye and say "I.Don't.Trust.You." the room gets real quiet real fast. That is about as honest as it gets.

I'm a bw who because of my job in a male industry, went to strip clubs in Ontario in the early 90s. Wasn't forced, I was young, single and really didn't care. To be fair, my betrayal didn't involve strippers, but ironically a female coworker.

I will say that the women made a lot more money from my coworkers when they showed interest in me. It was clear to me that they knew exactly how to make more money.

It's also possible that things went on after I went home. Since cell phones, I know men who've gotten drunk and given their numbers to strippers only to be very surprised the next day to receive texts when the wife has the phone. And not remembering giving the number or what her name was. It happened to my best friend, we were all present. Her husband is a faithful man. It's an industry of transactions and the sky's the limit.

I have a friend who frequented strip bars in NJ. He got friendly with one stripper and started seeing her and he told me she drove a Mercedes and he almost fell over when he went to her house in northern NJ in an exclusive area of Bergen County - she had a gate at the end of her driveway like rich people have (lol). She told him she made about $150,000 a year and I'm willing to bet it's mostly tax free.

In either event, she didn't make that money from drunken fools tucking $1 bills into her bikini string. She told him she got most of it from doing 'extras' at the club.

I haven't said anything up to now because of the stigma, but I was a lingerie model/dance/stripper for may years between 1988-2011.

Not to thread-jack (much) but I see a lot of generalities and stereotypes being perpetuated in this thread.

Like Beach_Blonde said, there are many many girls who make money by selling dances, companionship, and fantasy.. There are also many others who offer various forms of "extras."

There are also many different clubs with different business models and different rules. I have worked in a huge beautiful club that made me feel like Demi Moore in STRIPTEASE every time I walked in there. (And then made me feel like I'd been hit by a steam roller when I had to hand over 2/3 of my cash every night!) I have worked in places so grimy that we dancers had to bring our own towels to sit on. Clubs where BJ's on the open floor were almost expected, and clubs where I had to wear a scrunchie on my wrist so I could tie back my hair before a lap dance because I couldn't let my hair touch the customer. And everything in between.

I have worked with other women like me, women who had small children or college tuition or some other compelling reason to make a bunch of cash in as few hours as possible. I have worked with drug addicts. Women who were being put up to it by their men. Women who were broke or for some reason unemployable in ordinary fields. I have NEVER to my knowledge worked with a human trafficking victim. NEVER.

I have worked with some women who would give a BJ in the club in the open for as little as $10. There are many women (myself included) who would not do it for a million dollars.

Dancers are their own sales force. Some are excellent saleswomen who can empty a customers wallet with a tease and a fantasy. I was one of those. I was known for extracting money from men who turned down every other girl in the club. But as good as I am, I could not sell everybody.

Which brings me back to your post, Loss4Words:

In my opinion, the circumstances of the club matter little. Each club and each girl are a little different. but the most important thing thing to remember here is:

Nobody can take a man somewhere he does not want to go. NO matter who brought it up, no matter the rules or the layout or the business model of the club, the dancer did not rob your husband of his money or his integrity. He gave them to her willingly in exchange for whatever he thought she was offering.

Dear Loss4words. Thank you for asking this question. I am still confused about lap dances. I just flat out do not understand about them. Do they result in a "happy ending"?. Do the women involved grind on them? I just do not understand. If so, does the man involved walk around with a wet stain on the front of his pants? Is this a form of bragging? What does he do when he gets home? Do wives notice the pants? My ex-husband frequented strip clubs when he lived in Houston. I think he also went when I was out of town when we were married. I think. Sorry to be so stupid about this stuff.

I get the feeling that lap dances can be whatever a guy wants them to be. Where I live, the guys aren't supposed to touch. Who knows if they do anyway. I have been tempted many times to go to my WH's club of choice and check it out. To WarriorPrincess--I have never blamed the girls. Sure I've gotten mad at them, I'm human. I realize it's not their fault my husband strayed.

Lap dances vary considerably. It depends on local laws (or whether the law is in the club's pocket). It depends on the dancer. It depends on the man.

Sometimes, there is absolutely NO contact---like the previous poster said, even hair cannot touch the customer's body. The dancer is close to the customer--very close--but not in physical contact.

In other cases/clubs/places---and some of these are the super high-end "gentlemen's clubs"---the girls are near-nude or fully-nude, and there can be contact. Some of it is incidental (hair grazing, etc.) Some is intentional---face in breasts. There may be grinding. There may be mouthing (for example, my husband was permitted to use his mouth on dancers' breasts--not in a sleazy dive, but in one of the most famous gentlemen's clubs, known for its "classiness." And not in a VIP/champagne room, but on the main floor, albeit in a darker recess. He was a regular, and "his girls" knew his proclivities--and knew just how far to take him before moving him to the higher-cost rooms...)

My husband had MANY lap dances that resulted in orgasm. Some right on the main floor, but really, it was strongly preferred that he be in a VIP/champagne room for that, because frankly, if the guy's gonna come, you want to be doing something you can call an extra so that you can charge more. Sometimes, they'd go to the car or a motel--but that was when a girl (usually one who was "in love" with stbx, which really means HE was infatuated with her, and she was playing along to extract more money from him) wanted to evade club notice and either go further than was permitted or keep all the $$.

And no--I am not blaming the girls even a little bit. Not one scintilla. My idiot husband was the one who made every single one of the dozens of decisions that took him into strip clubs night after night----from making up whatever "working late" or "staying in the library to work on my thesis" story he chose to tell me, to driving the considerable distance, to parking (our only) car (which meant I was literally stranded, at home, with a baby), to walking in the door, to making deals for what would be purchased with money we absolutely did not have. EVERY single decision, he made.

And I made the stupid decision to believe that "nothing really happened" and stay with him---only to learn how escalating needs for stimulation work.