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The OBS of #1 had mentioned to me if I thought our spouses where spending too much time together on a work project. I said no it is important. Then I asked my WW about it and she told me he and his wife where stressing and not to think to much about it. So I didn't. Then a month or two later I catch an email exchange that had an innuendo and I was hurt for about a week trying to find out what was going on but choose to believe it was nothing and joking to relieve stress.

Big read flag, the email history was deleted from there on out immediately and she no longer checked that account anywhere near home.

With #2 I caught a work chat program set to private no history retained mode and thought it was strange so I asked. She said that they were complaining about another co worker and protecting the conversation so they didn't find out.

Big red flag that wasn't the only secret they keep from everyone.

With #3 I had an opportunity to read text message from a co worker that sent over 1100 messages in a month to my wife but felt some where "broken" and missing parts of the chain.

Big red flag didn't count to see if they were all there afterwords I reflect and probably only saw 600 to 700 that month but didn't realize what had to be deleted so I didn't see it. And the fact she was now holding onto her phone and it was locked "so the kids wouldn't mess it up".

The gig was up when she opened a new email and the text messages disapeared from our bill. The lack of attention to the family. The constant checking of social media, yet she was like a statue at home. One day I saw that she was still logged in and took the computer to another room and that is d-day #1 of who counts anymore..

Oh what you see now when the blinders of faith and trust are removed..

[This message edited by sneaker at 11:28 AM, October 19th (Wednesday)]

Peacelily, I made my H shave immediately also. Where that beard had been was nauseating. I would have told him to cut off body parts that day if I'd had my way. The beard was more symbolic than anything. He's been clean shaven ever since.

I missed looking at the phone bill after Dday 1. At that point it was an EA that he promised to end. It took a while to forgive myself after I discovered the PA 4 months later. It was all there in black and white. Also, I should have been more aware of his reasons for time away from home.

My ex started getting up at 5am to go "to the gym". This was weird b/c he's not a morning person (it used to be me pushing him to go early) and he was unemployed so he could have gone to the gym literally any time all day long. The biggest flag was the morning when I sleepily said 'oh, I'll come with you - I should get up'. Instead of encouraging me to, he was very quick to discourage it - 'oh, you should rest, you've been tired lately, I'll be gone for a while and you'll have to be back for work...' I accepted it and fell back asleep while he went off and had sex at OW's house.

The other one I kick myself about is that he always had dating websites popping up in his sidebar as ads on his computer. As we all know, ads are targeted based on site we've been to. I questioned him about it and of course was gaslighted, believed some story about him resetting his computer and those were the default, etc. turns out he was on a dating site at the time.

There was a wooded piece of ground between our house and my grandmother's. All of a sudden, he started mowing a pathway through the woods. He told me he was doing it for me so I could take a safer shortcut to my Gram's.

Wasn't he just so sweet to me?

I found out during the D that he was also having an A with the lady that lived BEHIND my grandmother's house. Apparently that was him and OW's secret path.

SMH

Too many.

Didn't miss a thing, except that she lied when I asked her if she was having an A.

Wait, I missed that she was lying when she denied having an A.

His behaviour changed, and of course I didn't actually clue in until I found the messages.

Looking back, he followed a pattern (which is why I don't believe these were the first affairs).

1) He would start going to the gym or caring more about his looks and clothes.

2) He would stay late at work and go out randomly. He started going out all the time (three days a week at least) drinking. Would never come home when he said he would.

3) He was mean to me. He was always mean to me, but he was meaner during the times of the affairs.

4) He started texting on his phone non-stop and stopped talking with me.

5) He didn't care about sex. I have always had a higher sex drive than him, but he literally would not even mention it or try anything or anything. We went eleven years with virtually no sex life.

Looking back, there are two other times outside of these two affairs that actually fit his affair behaviour:

- The first year after our son was born. He acted like all of the above, minus the drinking. I actually caught him on OLD sites at this time. But he would work late, go out several times a week, and started being mean to me. Wanted nothing to do with us.

- The third or fourth year after our son was born. He also acted like all of the above, minus the drinking. He started working late, and also going out more often. He randomly started volunteering.

All those important business trips and meetings he had to attend out of town all the time, all of the sudden. And then how those moved to a different city after about 8 months (OW moved).

Honestly, I didn't miss much....I suspected from the early days....I just couldn't catch him....and I wouldn't leave, especially, with no proof, until my children graduated...it was a cat and mouse game...his travel made it easy...

there were many red flags...

when the sex stopped for over 3 months, with all the new clothes and grooming, I knew...I met COW soon after ..In less then 3 seconds, I knew it was her. I never had any actual proof...but what I saw with my own eyes, left little to wonder.

I was hoping he would straighten up....learn from his mistakes....give it a chance...and I hated him for not caring enough to stop..Thats what I feel dumbest for...even thinking he would stop....

This was back in 2004, so not sure if this was one thing that caused the start of my suspicions or if I was on to something but just didn't make the connection. This is going to make me sound so stupid that I almost don't want to say it!!! I promise, I'm far from stupid...

WW was a waitress at the time and would go out with friends for drinks after work, or stop by the "STORE" before coming home. One night after "DRINKS" or the "STORE" we were starting to have sex and I went down on her and could smell the obvious smell of a condom. We were done having kids, I was fixed and never used condoms.

How could I be so dumb??? Didn't even cross my mind that WW could be *ucking another guy! Looking back, If I would have made the connection, I should have kicked here out of the house and went to see a lawyer.

[This message edited by herandi at 2:25 PM, October 19th (Wednesday)]

There are too many to count, so how about the first dumb thing I missed?

Way back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, cell phones came in a bag, and computers still ran on DOS, we had an astronomical phone bill one month. It was normally $20 a month. That month it was over $600 due to many long distance calls to an unfamiliar number.

Wasband explained that one of his old high school buddies had called him to catch up, and they started calling each other regularly without thinking about how much it was going to cost. He said he would tell his friend they need to stick to letters from then on.

Oddly enough, when we rant into his buddy at their class reunion a few years later, they greeted each other as if they hadn't talked at all since high school. And it didn't even give me pause.

The dumbest thing on the A that lead me here? He would go to the gym every day for over an hour, but he never came home sweaty, and his fitness level didn't improve.

It was all about the cell phone. Suddenly she wouldn't leave it anywhere unguarded. It was always in her possession or within arms reach.

Also, the lack of sex should have been a giant red flag. I can probably count on one hand how many times we did it over the past year. I remember once I even bribed her with a new pair of shoes, just to get my jollys off. Not my proudest moment.

Gman, too true. Her cell phone is a temple of mystery and guarded under lock and key. What kind of lewd shit is on there, I could only guess. I'd probably puke if I even looked.

A ton of red flags but I knew she would never cheat.

I guess for me, I knew at the time he probably was, but I was so unhappy at that point and tired (had a 6 month old, full time job, and was taking classes to get into my Masters), I didn't have the energy to try and catch him.......

My Red Flags that I should have called him out on:

1) Cell phone. He was constantly on his phone all the time. I would roll over at 1 or 2 am and he would be on his phone. He was tired... (they Facebook messaged every night after I went to bed while he was in bed with me)

2) Huge disagreements and arguments about what an appropriate guys night out was.... his idea was being out at younger bar scenes and concerts until 3 am, no communication with, and being able to "socially" interact with other women. The fact that he wouldn't respect my feelings for the fact I didn't agree with those ideas and just blame me for being insecure and not trusting him should have been a HUGE red flag.

3) Grooming more than usual for a business trip and not putting our sons car seat in his truck

In hindsight, had I cared enough, I probably could have caught him and prevented it.

The first thing that clued me in that something was up (that I stupidly tried to convince myself was all in my head and me being paranoid) was a very sudden change of behavior with his cell phone.

He went from leaving it around on the couch, table, wherever face up to keeping it in his pocket at all times or face down somewhere right next to him so I wouldn't see any messages that popped up on the screen. And instead of just sitting next to me to send a text message he started getting up and leaning with his back up against a wall to have text conversations.

I don't know why I didn't make a bigger deal when I first noticed the drastic change in that behavior.

Plus things like coming home very late from work (although his schedule can be inconsistent and he does have nights where he works late) it started to become a regular thing for him to come home at suspiciously late hours- his office closes at 4:30

When she went to a baby shower...on a Friday night...and asked me around 11pm if I would mind if she slept over because it was raining and she was scared to drive home. It was 20 minutes away.

The other handful of nights out didn't really set off alarms, but they should have. She was too drunk and high to drive home...how did you make it to your "friend's" house from the bar?

ILYBINILWY -- and other such statements -- didn't make me think she was cheating. It definitely made me think she wasn't happy with me, which drove me nuts because I didn't think I could have done much more than I already was.

OMG, Kay, until you posted just now about the change in positions, I hadn't connected the dots. Yes, the cellphone attachment was HUGE and I noticed him taking it everywhere and flipping it over on the arm of the sofa next to him... but I just realized that around the time he created the secret email is when he physically moved from sitting next to me on the couch to sitting across from me on the love seat where I couldn't see his phone when he was using it ALL THE TIME. I connected it to the distance he was creating between us but not to him hiding what he was doing on the phone... I'm an idiot!! sigh...

well, on a bright note, he's back to sitting next to me on the couch with his phone in plain view even when he leaves the room.

I have so many but this really stands out to me as I am so dumb:

She worked as a waitress while going to school and she came home one day from "work" in a really nice dress, she had always worn blue jeans and t-shirts and this restaurant was not a wear a dress to work restaurant. It really threw me off but when I asked she said she just really wanted to look nice at work that day, I never thought twice about it.

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