SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There are several but this was the one that blew me away after I found out!

He was out with friends at a local bar, very normal for him and me and sometimes us together. Well of course once his A started I wasn't invited anymore which I didn't even realize until after d-day...I did wonder why his friends didn't come around much anymore...but just blew it off and thought because I'm so busy at work and stuff.

Well anyways, back to the bar night...it was summer, he was walking home, called me and said "my friend (OW#2) doesn't have the energy to ride her bike home, so would it be ok if she stayed the night at our house?" We have had people stay the night every now and then, so nothing abnormal there. "Could you make a bed for her in the den?" WTF???? He actually had the nerve to do this, I had no idea they were having an A at the time!!! But I said sure, see you soon??!!

When they got to our house, we sat on our patio in back and had a drink and talked for a bit. I did not like how they were so engaged and I was kind of left out, but I brushed it off and thought my H was just being nice and never thought he could be capable of even having an A and then do something like this! Who does this?????

Even my H can't believe he did that! I should've seen the red flags, but I didn't! I trusted him and thought he was a good man and would never cheat on me, EVER!!!

This just shows how dilusional they are when in an A!

Ugh. This one kills me. fWW told me once, while we were having a rough patch, "This guy I used to date asked me to meet him for lunch, just to catch up. What would you think about that?" I said, "Ummm, I don't like that idea at all. You told him no, right?" She said, "Of course."

"Of course." I can still hear it clear as day.

I never thought about that again until right after D-Day. We were having a huge fight and I was asking when it started. She said, "You weren't paying attention to me. I even told you my ex was interested in me and you still did nothing! You didn't even seem to care!" I asked when the hell she ever told me that and she brought that conversation up.

I said, "No. You said a "guy you dated", as in a few dates. You didn't tell me the guy who had been your boyfriend! Twice! Before we met! And you sure as hell didn't tell me he had already been messaging you on and off for months telling you how beautiful you are! If you told me the truth you would have got a way different reaction! And you said you wouldn't go! All I did was believe you. I'm supposed to be able to believe my wife."

She said, "That's not how I remember it at all. You didn't even care about me and were like "Whatever". Then we had a fight the next day and I got so mad at you that I went. That's when it started."

I said, "No, it happened exactly like I said. I'm sure I have a better memory of that conversation because I haven't turned it over in my head and changed it around a thousand times to justify being a lying slut! I never thought about it again until just now so I haven't twisted it all around."

That one haunts me. How did I not see we were in real trouble? I knew we had some problems, but I just thought that happens when you're together long enough.

Ahh...memories. Those first few days after D-Day are fun, aren't they? I probably just ruined my whole evening. Maybe I need to take a break from SI. We're doing so well now it's hard to think about. We had another amazing night last night. Went out with our DD and had a fun family evening. Had great sex after DD was asleep. Then we split a bottle of wine and talked for hours. She was saying something that caused me to mention one of those little things about her only I could know and she cried and told me, "I love you so much. You are really the only man for me." We ended up with a little wine buzz and slow dancing in the garage. Lol. It kills me now to think how we ever let it get so screwed up.

Hours spent on FB and other social media.

Countless selfies and comments on how many likes she received. Nill or minimal reference to me on FB even when posting about things we did together or as a family.

The phone records

All I had to do was check the phone records.

I was so stupid.

Many decades ago with a fiance - he said he didn't have a phone (land lines back then) as he wanted to save money so we could get married.

I decided that I could not marry him (not because I knew about cheating) so broke the engagement about 6 weeks before the wedding. He married his "cheatee" a week or two later.

I can't believe that I was so stupid to believe his lies - but am also happy that I left him anyway.

Things that I missed but also things I noticed that led me to breaking into his M*****F****** phone on DDay:

Started taking a lot of selfies, especially of himself driving, running or at the gym. Also strange photos like the clouds while on airplanes, landscapes when he traveled for work. None of these were sent to me. He changed is FB profile pic like 5 times in 3 months, where he hadn't changed it for years before that.

He stopped eating. He almost never ate with me and kids anyway because of work vs. kids' schedules, but there was always delicious food in my fridge for him. I'd notice in the mornings that the food hadn't been touched. His AP lived out of town. He'd go to a restaurant sometimes and Skype with her. Sometimes he just didn't eat.

Started protecting his time when he was traveling for work. Would tell me he needed to go to sleep and was going to take a sleeping pill. Or that the dinner meeting was running late and he had some work to do later. Or he would text me in the later than normal in the morning saying he had taken a sleeping pill and that's why he hadn't called or texted earlier. Sometimes he'd text a lot for a few minutes then disappear. This is when one of them was in the bathroom and he was trying to keep me distracted and placated.

I too used to send him song lyrics. Once I was walking in a local park on a gorgeous fall day. I sent him a photo of a fork in the path I was on, the beautiful trees all around, with the lyric "there's still time to change the road you're on." That line is from a little-known song, Stairway to Heaven, by an obscure band called Led Zeppelin. He texted back, "What?? Is that a song lyric? What is that from?" I blamed it at the time on him being a Pink Floyd fan. But it was the guilt and fear talking.

All of these things are subtle, but they add up and start to cause one's gut to hum.

We had picked up our RV from a repair shop and I was in the back by bed and found a condom wrapper and said look what I found he said omg someone at the shop must of had sex in here. What a complete idiot never questioned or even thought about it.

[This message edited by Cougins at 10:26 PM, October 19th (Wednesday)]

Oh, almost forgot this one...

While sitting at the dinner table my WW professed how she wanted to learn how to be a squirter.

[This message edited by Cougins at 10:27 PM, October 19th (Wednesday)]

The phone records

All I had to do was check the phone records.

I was so stupid.

This /\/\/\/\

Years before DDay when he didn't even know future AP I found a prescription for meds in his toiletries bag. I asked him what it was for (didn't know he was sick) He brushed it off as having some sort of urinaryy tract infection. I thought it was pretty odd that he was uncomfortable enough to make the appointment, go, and get the prescription filled without saying anything. I happened to have a gyno appt about a week later. So I asked and they said not always, but yes, it's often used as treatment for some form of std. I was stupid and didn't get details.

When I asked him about it, he "admitted" that the reason he didn't tell me was because I had had a yeast infection a few weeks prior. At his appointment when he asked if it was something HE could have gotten from ME, the Dr asked him "How much do you trust your wife?" And since Mr Good Guy Knew that I wouldn't cheat, he didn't want to tell me because he was afraid I would think that he thought I was cheating. See, he was just trying to be a good guy hiding it and all.

For those who have followed my other posts on Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde, this now falls into the hilariously funny predictable pattern of everything he lies about to everyone. Hide. Blame others. Minimize. Gasslight. If he absolutely has to take blame then figure out how to spin it so it looks like he was trying to be kind/considerate or at a minimum it was an honest mistake.

I'll of course now never know 100% but given how much other shit I've discovered even since divorce and even lies/manipulations of other people, it makes me wonder exactly how many years and how many people he cheated with.

How stupid can we get!!

A naked to his pubic area photo fell out of his brief case,i asked shocked "Why" "Stop being nosy its none of your business, I am just showing my friends how much weight I lost"!!!!

Suddenly he had to do more and more desk time!!! after work and even on days off!!!

IDIOT doesn't cover my stupidity ,I just loved and trusted him

On D Day I rang asking why he was so late because we had a meal booked!!!!! SOMEHOW?????? I cut in to his phone call to OW who was complaining they had been fu**ing all afternoon it was HER he should be taking for a meal!!!

Talk about being stupid!!!! YEP that was me!!

Luckily we are happily R now but it was hard to put behind me

[This message edited by barleysugar at 4:55 AM, October 20th (Thursday)]

During the ea, I got a rash under my wedding ring, really bad, for the first time in 18 years. Took the ring off, it left a scar for a long time, haven't put it back on. It wasn't a sign, but it was weird.

Wh came home from work with preserves, homemade. I asked from whom, he said her name, and I asked who she was again. He lost his shit completely about how I "didn't care about his job", I knew "damn well who she was", it was so off the wall. The hair on my neck stood up and I got that chest tightness we all know so well. That was the first time. I started vomiting regularly after that and was very confused by the lack of sympathy I got from wh, who told me I was very dramatic. I know now I was reacting to being completely disconnected from my husband and I should have listened to my body.

He stopped going to church with me.

I really didn't miss anything. My gut pointed me in the right direction to almost all of it. The problem was that I didn't listen to my gut. I'd ask him questions, and he always seemed to have an answer that I was willing (at the time) to believe. Of course now, it is ridiculous... but in my moment of "this can't be happening" it worked.

Then when the proof came hitting me on the head like a 2 ton brick - it all came crashing in.

The last piece of the puzzle, FOR ME, was I learned from OW that he had created a email account just for her. yes - they all do this. Its so common. But it never and I mean NEVER occurred to me that he would do this. I remember when she texted me the email address, my heart literally sank. It was my last communication with her. It was the last piece of TT as well. I woke him up and said I'm done if you don't put it all out there RIGHT NOW.

That was April 14, 2015. The last of the TT.

How could I have thought he wouldn't have a secret email. I had been asking for months.... How did you communicate with her? Ugh.

Leading up to the time of her first affair she had started having work friends over to our house during the evening while I was at work. I called her every night and it was getting pretty frequent. I even told her I didn't approve but I guess I just let it go. Her AP was one of those people. That affair took place while I was out of state starting a new job. (actually it started, physically just before I left, at the house of another co-worker, she was there with work friends in the evening just like she was having them at our house)She remained back with our 2 children until our house sold. Over that 3 month period our phone conversations became very distant, and increasingly she was talking about not wanting to move with me. I did become somewhat suspicious and even considered flying back in secret to spy on her, and I might have if I could have afforded to. When the house sold and I flew in to bring them with me there were so many red flags. The house was totally not kept up. Nothing was packed, and I mean nothing. She kept disappearing while I was left to pack and watch my children at the same time. I found what was a new lingerie set when I left, soiled in her drawer. The whole thing only came out because shortly after we arrived where we moved to she informed me she was pregnant. My first question was "who's is it" so I understand now just how much I suspected but kept it to myself. That was DD#1

During her last affair I guess there were red flags all over to be seen, I just missed every one until DD#?. I don't even understand how I didn't notice the hundreds of texts a month, some very early in the morning and some very late at night. I didn't even notice she was protective of her phone or always had it on silent. Years of detailed cell phone bills, service that is in my name that I didn't look at even once since she pays the bills. Many credit card hotel charges, again I never looked since she paid the bills. There were a few emails to our joint account that would have caused suspicion but I guess I didn't see them either. One was from her LinkedIn account and showed a connection update from her physical AP. That was in 2012 and was the same AP from previous affairs. Another was from her emotional AP giving her his work email "in case you want to send me something during the day". I actually can't recall any gut feeling or anything specific as far as our relationship, sex or anything else during her last affair. That's likely because she's a very accomplished manipulator and lying and being secretive is second nature to her. ** Here's the HUGE red flag that I missed in 1981 when I decided to marry her, she had already had multiple affairs during her first marriage, including the last one which was with me!!!! (I was single) I'll say that's the biggest red flag there is and I was too naïve, innocent or just plain stupid to see it!!

I missed the obvious and would have uncovered everything 5 months earlier if I'd just dug a little deeper and didn't trust him so much.

He was getting texts at all hours from a female coworker - he just framed it as her being high-maintenance. Once I saw the first line or two pop up on his home screen and it started "hey sweetie..." I purposely didn't read the rest because I didn't want him to think I was snooping, but told him I wasn't comfortable with this woman calling him "sweetie". He brushed it off by saying she had names for all the guys on the crew... I bought it... She was older and not attractive and it never crossed my mind that he would be cheating with HER.

That just made them switch to email (instead of texts) during off-work hours and I was clueless for another 5 months. So stupid.

She started buying sexy outfits and taking 'adult' selfies.

To this day, she claims the outfits and selfies were for me, not him.

This one just hit me out of the blue last night as I was going to bed. Kept me up a few hours, but it's definitely dumb.

A day or two before Valentines Day we were talking about who we were planning to make each other's valentine -- something cute we always did before asking and affirming each other. Well I ask her and she says in a very serious tone she already told her secret boyfriend she would be his valentine. I laughed it off as I thought she was kidding, of course. But she had deadpan delivery.

She started talking to OM on February 7th.

Up to now I thought that February 14th was one of the handful of days between when they started talking and DDay where there was no communication, but I just checked and they each sent one text message, around noon. I wonder what they said...

[This message edited by mouthkeptshut at 9:30 PM, October 20th (Thursday)]

Most stupid one/ he sent me s the t that was meant for her. I was st a company BBQ in line up to get my meal. We had been texting earlier regarding the kid. Then I get one that does not fit the conversation stream ' okay let's go for s walk in the river valley' I knew it wasn't for me - okay to what, and walking in the river valley he never wanted to go there, and rarely had even joined me in going. My stomach bottomed out - I felt like I was on an island in a sea of people / I. The twilight zone.

I texted what? Who was that text for? No response I called him and allowed him to convince me the text was for me / but we never did go for a walk in the river valley