SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Under no circumstances; I firmly believe that cheaters will cheat again, they just can't help it. The very fact that they have behaved in this way speaks volumes about their lack of integrity.

No. The trouble would be if they told the truth. I think I'm more aware of the red flags or, at least, the potential consequences of red flags. A hard lesson hopefullt well learned.

I have trouble with the concept that everyone is vulnerable to cheating. In fact I find it insulting. On SI there are many stories of BS who have had countless opportunities and had strong enough morals, boundaries, integrity to not cheat. I'm 65 years old and have had many opportunities and somehow managed to not cave. I believe I'm not alone. The trouble, as I see it, is winnowing the wheat from the chaff.

ETA: I should explain that I'm not separated from my WW yet. Hopefully soon. I won't be dating until after official D at the very earliest. So that's down the road a long way, if ever.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 9:21 AM, November 3rd (Thursday)]

I ended up marrying someone who cheated on her bf in high school.

Our D hearing is on our wedding anniversary this month.

I'd never again opt to date or marry anyone who's committed adultery. Chances are, if they've done it once, they'll do it again.

Most likely, had I known about her infidelity and subsequent promiscuity when we met, I would've moved on. But, believing and thinking she was done with all that, I took her at her word. And now look where that's got me.

On SI there are many stories of BS who have had countless opportunities and had strong enough morals, boundaries, integrity to not cheat.

There are also many stories of the BS becoming a madhatter and totally disregarding those morals, boundaries and integrity.

Absolutely not.

Yes there is, lieshurt, but I would suggest that RA and MH is a minority.

steadychevy, maybe so, but it still happens. Plus, throw in those BS's who divorced and then went on to cheat on their next SO. That happens quite often.

My gut says no. Even if they understand why they cheated in the past, I would have a VERY hard time trusting that person. Isn't there a saying "once a cheater, always a cheater".....I dunno. I would have definite trust issues, therefore probably making a relationship impossible.

lieshurt, I don't think I intimated anywhere that it doesn't happen. I'll concede that that there are MH (some of which occured before either DDay), RA, BSs who subsequently cheated in new relationships. I'll concede that it happens. I won't concede that it happens quite often.

I believe there are a majority of BS who had opportunities that didn't take advantage of them and killed the opportunity from happening again. IMO it's quite easy to do so. Depends on your conviction. I believe there are BSs who have had terrible childhoods, abuse, FOO and didn't and won't cheat. I also believe there are many marriages that haven't suffered through infidelity where both partners have had opportunities and, even when tempted, rejected the chance even when the possibility of getting caught is very minimal. What do you do when no one is watching?

Posting as a member:

steadychevy, those of us who have been around for a while have seen it all. If you read extensively on this site, you see story after story of betrayeds who went on to date other betrayeds and got cheated on. The repeated lament is "He/she knew I was a BS and knew what it was like to be cheated on, and they cheated anyway!" We've also had some very 'famous' BSs who went on to cheat. There have been some amazing flame-outs.

Then there are the successful waywards-some reconciled and some divorced. I count many of them as my dear friends and I'm insulted for them to hear former waywards disrespected on a thread like this.

I haven't been around as long nor posted 24,000 times, Sad, but I have read quite a bit in my short time. One of the most valuable threads for me is the Wayward Side. The reason it's valuable is because of the FWSs who post on the various threads in the Forum. They provide me with hope and are, IMO, extremely valuable for people new to the trauma, betrayed and wayward alike.

I don't see where I've intimated that no BSs ever betray either their WS (RA or otherwise) or in a new relationship. I agree that is a flame out and, knowing the extreme trauma the betrayal caused them, how could they subject someone else to it. Famous or not.

I don't see where I've disrespected former waywards in any of the comments I've made. I am insulted with the insinuation that I am vulnerable to being a wayward. I think in 65 years and 50 years over the age of 15 that there is a good chance without cheating that there is a good chance I probably won't and I don't think I'm alone in that. I believe there are people who won't cheat no matter what.

I also believe there are waywards who will never cheat again. I still wouldn't date someone who cheated in the past if I knew they did. I have great empathy for the spouse who was betrayed. I think that would always be baggage I would carry.

I'm always mystified by the "if they've done the work,yes, I'd date them.".

How do you know if they've done the work? Because they say so? But..cheaters lie...so...?

I have a great deal of respect for the former waywards on this site. I've said so many,many times over the years. Several of them are my favorite posters.

But that doesn't mean I'd want to date a wayward..former..or otherwise. Be their friend..respect them..care for them..yes, absolutely. But trust my heart to someone who claims to be a former wayward,someone I meet out and about,and don't really know them,other than what they tell me? Not a chance.

But..we're not talking about SI members...right? Just waywards,in general?

My whore fucking ex-husband cheated on his first wife.

He promised that he would never do that to me.

Fool me once..... (as they say)

No, I would NOT date someone who's betrayed their marriage vows. No.

I've been here even longer than Sazzy and I agree that we've pretty much seen it all happen here.

I am a BS who would date someone who has cheated in the past.

To be perfectly honest, I would like to think that someone who would choose to tell me that they had been unfaithful would do so because it was important to them to be honest with me. From there I would like to think that we could learn more and more about each other and I could make an informed decision about whether or not I felt the relationship was worth continuing with.

People cheat. People who have been cheated on cheat. People whom you would never in a million years expect to be unfaithful cheat. AND, people don't cheat. People would never, ever cheat. People whom have cheated before would never dream of doing it again.

I am not going to spend the rest of my life worrying about whether or not the person I choose to be with is going to cheat on me. I won't live that way. I understand that a person's relevant past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour (thanks Dr Phil), so I intend to look at all of their past behaviour including how the cheating was dealt with and what steps they have taken to address the issues they obviously had.

The only person in this world I can control, the only person I can trust 100% is me so I will trust myself enough to know that, if I am cheated on again, I will survive it. Don't get me wrong, I plan to choose very, very carefully and I'm not stupid enough to align myself with a serial cheat nor an unremorseful one, but I'm not going to automatically dismiss a person because they were unfaithful without finding out a lot more.

I find blanket statements and generalities such as a cheater will always cheat again to be unhelpful and quite honestly plain wrong.

tts

[This message edited by trying to smile at 9:15 PM, November 3rd (Thursday)]

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. That's all I can say about that.

I won't even date anyone who travels regularly for work for a living. Business trips and hotels are way too convienent and can be toxic to a marriage I feel. My ex WW cheated on a business trip and thought it was something I would never find out about. She was wrong, the truth always finds it's way out eventually somehow.

Can we just stop with the "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing? It's really stupid. Does anyone really think that NO person who cheated ever learned their lesson and was faithful after that? Maybe they are more at risk, but maybe, as some have said here, they are less at risk than someone who had not yet acknowledged the dark side of themselves.

Now, I personally ask very early on in dating if someone has cheated. No one has said "yes" yet, but I would end the relationship immediately if that were the case. I just wouldn't trust them. But I think that is more PTSD than logic.

This is one of those logic puzzles, right?

Think about it. On average, our WSs did a really good bamboozling job for a while. They are, again on average, good actors/prevaricators. BSs were fooled.

So a new dating partner says:

No, I never cheated. How can you believe this? It could be true, it could be a lie. Both a truthful person would say this _and_ a still-wayward-thinker would say this.

Yes, I cheated. This is the only answer that you can fully believe. After all, why would they say that they are a former cheater if they're not?

I don't believe I would date a past cheater.

I also wouldn't date a rapist, child abuser, drug user, armed robber, murderer, or a puppy kicker....no matter how much they considered them self 'reformed'. It's not because I believe with 100% certainty that people don't change, but because for me certain things aren't worth the risk.

ETA: I don't mean to imply that cheating is the same as the behaviors I referenced above...just that I lump it in a same very broad category with those and other things I wouldn't accept.

[This message edited by ADryHeat at 1:31 PM, November 7th (Monday)]

Jose I hardly think this is a stupid question to those on this site. I'm not attacking your opinion, but we are here because most of us suffered unimaginable pain and mental torture. Many of us lost our families, homes, friends and time with our children. Not to mention much of our bank accounts divorcing these assholes. I think every person here has the right to wonder about that question with who they might be dating next. My feeling looking at your profile...confusion, polygraphs, etc...are you willing to go through that pain again with somebody you started to date if they admit they were divorced because they cheated? I know personally I won't again. There's much better fish in the sea to pick from.

Under no circumstances; I firmly believe that cheaters will cheat again, they just can't help it. The very fact that they have behaved in this way speaks volumes about their lack of integrity.

Agree!!