SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. The selfishness of the WS's never ceases to amaze me. The worst part is the kids. I know you love them and they love you. Just let them know that you will always be there for them if they need you. Unfortunately since you are not their biological father and did not adopt them, there is little that you can do legally for visitation rights.

Speak to an attorney ASAP and start the process. If she comes around before the D is final, then you can possibly try to R. If not then you will be free to start living you life free of infidelity. I know this is hard and the decisions you have to make are heartbreaking to say the least for you and the kids. Just know that you didn't cause this and you can't fix it unless she fixes herself first. (((HUGS)))

Just one last thought. Where is the biological father of these kids?

Also document everything and keep a VAR on you at all times, at the moment exposure has rocked her world. Everything was in balance, and that that's screwed up, she'll fight (as you've seen) to regain that balance as well as the upper hand.

Do not engage, do not rise to any baiting or instigation, if she calls the OM in the same room laughing and giggling note it and walk away, she texts him in bed get some headphones turn your back to her and read a book.

180, do your thing, keep the kids happy and keep that upper hand. Done well so far.

Bravo, you are doing good. I know it feels as a hell, but trust me – your decisiveness will guide you the right way out. I also hope you can find an IC.

How old are the kids? While she may be able to LEGALLY keep them, those kids are not going to understand one bit why dad is no longer around - and she will have A LOT of explaining to do. If they are older they will absolutely HATE HER and go out of their mind to watch her not allow them to see you. Not only that, but she is going to need someone to watch those kids while she runs off with OM...That with CS and you have a solid position to stay in their lives. If you want to stay in their lives, you need to request something from her to give you those rights so you wont' be in this position later on down the road.

Lastly, you need to unravel WHY you are so willing to settle for so very very little from your relationship. She is being flat out disrespectful and CRUEL to you. It is practically inhuman to put someone through horrors of infidelity and then turn around to call that person "weak" for getting emotional help to deal with it. That is NPD for sure. Do you really want to spend your life with someone that won't think twice about ruining your soul and then calls you weak for how you handle it? Does that sound like the mind of a normal, rational person - let alone LOVING and CARING.

Good luck to you

Oh Bravo My heart goes out to you. You are doing everything right! Everything right!!!!

You have lost 17 lbs, you are going to the gym, you exposed her A to friends and family (great job, affairs thrive in secret, at the very least you brought it into the light! You are on anti depresents, and seeing a therapist! You have already talked to a lawyer too? I know you don't feel very good about yourself right now but these are all BIG moves for only a month after finding out! Big brave moves.

The suggestion about offering child support to have custody rights is a great one. Yes she is from another state but it sounds like the OM is local so she probably isn't going anywhere and as selfish as she sounds, I bet she'd go for it.

It has been said a bunch but you can't control anyone but yourself. You are doing that! Focusing on you and your self esteem and being ok without her. Keep posting! his is a great therapy and you are among people who know how painful daily life is right now. It will get better no mater what happens and as long as you are working on your strength you will be just fine!

Did full exposure today. Work, kids, family and she is pissed.

Isn't it always odd when the WW says they love the OM, the OM is getting divorced and then they get mad at full exposure.

What did her parents say when you told them?

Also, the advice given is great, close all joint accounts and keep a VAR with you at all times.

Has this OMs wife confirmed they are getting a divorce?

IF you go the path of offering CS then consider making it activity/service related rather than money deposited to her account.

Like you offer to pay tuition, school-fees, buy clothes, sports activities, contribute to a college-fund…

That way you know where the money is going and can stop payment if she does move away.

Thanks for all the kind words. I have done most of the advice here she was put on probation at work and I heard he got much worse and was looking for another job. One of the posts here asked why I would be willing to put up with so little after how cruel she has been. The answer to that question is that this person who has done this is a completely different person than the one I have known for nine years. I'm not defending her actions but I care about her and want to see that other person again. From reading it definitely sounds like she is in the fog and might not come out of it. She can also be very stubborn and in her mind I think she thinks that she could never be forgiven so she is trying to push me away. I am sure that there is also the likely probability that these thoughts are what I want to think. Because otherwise who have I been living with for nine years. I'll own my 50 percent of the problems prior to this but what she did outside of our marriage and continues to do is all on her. I'm trying one day at a time to detach and move on but this came as a complete shock she never seemed like the type didn't go out always told me where she was etc. If you'd told me before I'd seen it with my own eyes I would have called you a liar. I'm continuing 180 and doing my best also to make the marriage a good place to be. Keeping house clean spending time with kids keeping busy and not engaging. I did have a bit of a setback last night and engaged and calmly said some things about the hurt she is causing to our kids and family but I woke up today and rededicated to the 180.

I went and saw attorney today setup an appointment. At this point as much as I would like to see a different outcome it is clear this will end in divorce. That's OK I used to think that it wouldn't be but I am going to be okay and I will be happy again. I doubt I'll find any reason or explanation that makes any real sense but I will be able to move forward in my life. I'm only 33 my life is far from over and this is just one chapter ending. As long as I can see the kids I will continue to do so and they are old enough that they know what's happened they will make their own choice.

What changed since Saturday?

It's nice to see that you are moving to different place (emotionally)! What I would probably do is to write a few letters to the kids and keep these letters for them until the moment they are independent. They have a right to know that there is a kind soul here on Earth that dearly loves them.

What changed is that she is still cheating on me and all I can see is my wife cheating on me. If I'm divorced than its just my ex being crazy. In all seriousness one of the posts here asked why I would be willing to accept so little from a relationship and the more I thought about it the more I was like I have an opportunity to change my entire life. To start fresh to do the things I've been putting off because of her and the kids. I'm planning a trip for myself in March with my bonus that I was never allowed to have. I'm rediscovering myself and who and what I want out of my life. If she changed her tune and was honestly remorseful I might be able to negotiate a reconciliation but she has shown nothing of the sort so why waste my energy trying to prove something to someone who doesn't care. I think I've kind of been in a BS fog if that's a thing. It has lifted and I'm seeing what and who she is

Good job so far Bravoj98. It does suck to be a part-time dad, but the silver lining to D is that you will be astonished as to how quickly you will heal once you are out of the cheater's toxic environment, provided you take good care of yourself by staying physically fit and focusing on your hobbies or developing new ones. No need to put yourself through the torture of waiting out the meaningless "2-5 year reconciliation" period or play cop by demanding all passwords, etc. Life is too precious and short to waste on a cheater. They have zero integrity. And at 33, you are at your prime, so dump the cheater.

I think I've kind of been in a BS fog if that's a thing.

Yes there is, IMO.

Good for you in moving forward. There is a (better) life after infidelity/marriage.

I know you want to believe that your WW will wake up and she will see the errors of her ways (and she may) but only if you show her you mean business and convey you will no longer tolerate being an option for her, which you are doing.

Very proud of you for standing up for yourself even when it is so very sad and scary.

Keep moving.

She can also be very stubborn and in her mind I think she thinks that she could never be forgiven so she is trying to push me away. I am sure that there is also the likely probability that these thoughts are what I want to think. Because otherwise who have I been living with for nine years.

That's some great insight Bravoj98...but

WS has shown remorse but the A continues and has flatly stated that she loves him.

No. She. Has. Not! If she had shown remorse the affair would not be continuing and she wouldn't be stating that she loved him. She may have shown regret at being caught but remorse...nah!

You seem to be of strong character and at 33 you've got your whole life ahead of you. There are millions of women out there who are more deserving of your love than your WW. In your circumstances and with the benefit of hindsight I'd cut and run..fast!

You've received some great advice on here so far. Remember YOU are the prize!

Good luck.

Bravo,

Despite the mindfuck, you have done pretty well in my opinion.

I would have initially suggested that you stay in the house because of legalities and since your wife turned in the enemy, you sometimes have to keep your enemies closer than your friends.

Where you did well was that, even by leaving, you stabilized yourself and got a gameplan going. You moved back in and she slept on the couch. You did mistake remorsefulness at first because noone who is actively cheating is remorseful. However, you were quick to expose. Fuck that other guy. His wife seems to be a cuckold for sticking with him but in the end, that relationship will fail. He is a predator and doesn't want to lose his ass in court and your wife, bringing two underage kids in to the mix, on top of his losing half of his stuff, won't be worth it to him. So your wife will be gone and this guy will live in abad marriage for the remainder.

Based on your attitude, it sounds like you are mentally in a very good place, looking forward to the rest of your life without someone who betrayed you in the worst way and doesn't give a crap. Your best days are ahead of you my man.

I am sorry that you raised these kids with her and legally, you will be separated from them. Maybe someday they'll reach out to you and want to be a part of your life. Your attorney is right unfortunately but when you visit these boards, you will see that kids hold good guys/women in bad marriages. It doesn't have to but sometimes, I get it.

Just be proud of yourself and the way you got out of infidelity and away from someone who betrayed you so badly.

Your story does bring up some thoughts to me.

You don't have to answer these but I am just wondering if she has cheated in the past or what ended her first marriage.

None-the-less, enjoy the rest of your life and update us please. You sound like a great guy who got a shit sandwich for Christmas and that's not right

sorry about kids but right call

Come back and read that post you made above when the roller-coaster changes direction, which it is almost certain to do.

You have to prepare for your emotions to jump all over the place. When you are feeling off-track, out of control, or just plain weak, come here and vent away.

You've done well to control the only thing you can. Keep it up.

Just an update we are closing in on one month from the one year mark. A couple of updates. Divorce is final WS is living with OM. I got Step Parents rights, something I wanted to post about in case any other dads out there go through this. It's a thing and it's a great thing. I get visitation rights and because I'm not biological she can't pursue me for support. Don't get me wrong I'm paying support, but it's in my court so she doesn't get to manipulate me. I am currently dating the OM's spouse we met as we were comparing notes and offering each other support. We have been together about six months and as of this week her divorce to OM is final as well. I have invited her daughter into my life and I have a great deal to be thankful for. Work is going well, and I am genuinely happy. I was handling some other things this evening when I happened upon some text messages and facebook messages from our relationship. Nothing but fights all the way down for years, the idealized vision of my wife was not who she was. The problems were there, they were in front of my face, I even brought them up and accused her of cheating on numerous occasions. I was in such a shock when I found out I forgot about what it was really like. I wanted "us" back without thinking about what a gift it really was to be out of that relationship. Anyway, I just wanted to post that there have been many ups and downs, many times I didn't think I would make it, many times I thought there wasn't a way out. I survived this. If anyone out there thinks that they can't or that there isn't a way take it from me there is. It's nice, the water's warm and the sun's shining on the other side. It will hurt, almost one year out and it still hurts, but I don't dwell on it anymore. This too shall pass. Thank you for the support and encouragement I received here.

I'm glad to see that you've come out of this just fine, and that you are still able to be in your stepkids' lives. Congratulations on your new beginnings.

I am curious, however. How did your ex-wife take the news of you getting together with the other man's ex-wife?