SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Let's make something clear: I have done nothing wrong here: I didn't cheat, nor did I think of cheating.

Right on!! And Karmafan, I have been in these shoes where this board was scolding ME when I disclosed my ex SO contacted me to say he was getting married. People were calling me the OW for talking to him about it!! I think sometimes the jaded nature of our situation that brought us to this board clouds are advice sometimes. So no, I never considered that you were about to cheat on your SO. But I do know how the advice can get twisted and make you feel a certain way.

It IS possible to have the stability and deep friendship plus steamy.

Just something to think about here.

Yes, yes, a million times yes!! ^^^^

I'm holding out for this. I KNOW people find this and it takes care of "what's missing" in a relationship. I'm not going to settle because we all have a 2nd chance at finding true love. I hope that the SO you are with turns out to be that guy.

i.will.survive, I agree with you, I think that our situation can, at times, makes us a bit intransigent and forget that we are here to help and support, not to judge or point the finger. But I have been culpable of that myself (I have even been banned from one of the forums..) so I wouldn't dream to take offence or take it personally

At the end of the day, besides being BS, and as much as that inevitably informs the way we think and feel, we are also normal human beings with instincts, weaknesses, desires, insecurities, vulnerabilities. That doesn't make us bad people (or potential cheaters!) per se.

I sent my former SO a very matter of fact text, asking why he had called me, and then another one saying, I am ok thank you, and happy. That's it. It did upset me in as much as I really liked, and even possibly loved, the guy, and I have been honest about it, but I wouldn't do anything stupid. Certainly not go behind my SO' s back

Karma, I don't think anyone thought you were cheating? Moreso warning you of a slippery slope that you were staring at.

I know for me, I was thinking about it as if I were your SO and how would it make me feel to read your OP. And, it shook you enough to want to post for help and I think folks may have been a little more heavy-handed because you specifically asked for some sense to be knocked into you.

If it was truly a fleeting thought spurned by a fluke text I'd just take what resonates from the replies, and forget the rest.

I agree with I.will.survive. Even in NB most of us are still healing and struggle with our own albatrosses from our X's A. Also this isn't minority report so you can't be arrested or in trouble for thoughts you have.

That being said when I first started dating my current SO I didn't have the crazy wild passion I did with The first guy I dated after booting XWH. The passion built over time with being able to trust him and doing things that increased passion/desire. I also think I needed to let down my wall a bit too.

So now when I think about that first guy I dated it find memories of wild times but nothing like the passion I feel with SO over mundane things like talking about his kids or just watching a show and falling asleep on the couch together. As I'm typing this I think the wildness was a way of distracting myself from the overwhelming thoughts and feelings I was having whereas with SO it's real and stable and loving and safe and that my friend is the biggest turn on but I'm also a year and a half out and have done and continue to do a lot of healing.

Karmafan

I am no expert but I will share my thinking. I know you are only 3 months in with SO but you are tempted. You are right you didn't cheat but the temptation was there and that makes me ask is your SO not enough. If he is you wouldn't be tempted.

So what is missing.

Once you know you can decide is it likely SO will ever give you that. I think you know how it goes from there.

If all you want is passion or stability find someone that gives you that or your needs aren't met and we all have seen where unmet need leads. That isn't paradise.

IF you want both then D or your SO don't sound like the one for you.

Your life , your choice

then another one saying, I am ok thank you, and happy.

Did you mention anything about being in a relationship in that message? That will generally shut down any further contact.

I had a similar thing happen early in my engagement to the ex. Once I mentioned that I was in a relationship, there was no more contact as I was pretty clear that that door was closed for good.

Gooblish, if I am honest with myself, I am not really fulfilled sexually. He is very errrrr conservative in bed and I am a bit more experimental, especially after years of very frustrating, one dimensional sex with my XWH. I have tried to timidly suggest things to spice up our sex life but he doesn't seem to 'hear' me. I haven't really pressed the issue cause we have only been together three months and it's a difficult conversation to have, but I do miss the passion that, sadly for me, was there in spades with the other guy.

I am not shallow and wouldn't give up a good relationship just because the sex is not red hot, but yes, after the monstrous attraction I felt for D, it is hard not to make comparisons and be left.....wanting. Please don't judge me folks, I am really being honest here, with myself first of all!

I'll be fine, it's early days and familiarity and closeness are bound to make things better in the bedroom...or will they?

It sounds like you've already ruled out old boyfriend as an appropriate partner, but from what I've read, I'm not so sure SO is right for you either.

I get that for many women stability is a worthy trade off for sexual fireworks, especially if you're older, but it sounds like you may not be like them. I know I'm not, which is why I think I could never be wholly happy with just stable and conservative.

Just as you know what you like (a bit more experimental), chances are SO knows what he likes (conservative). It's no more reasonable to think that he's either suddenly or long term going to change what he likes than it is to assume that of you.

I've accepted that I may never have that part of my life again, which is so sad, but I think being alone and without it would be better than with someone and without it.

I'll be following to see how this unfolds and I appreciate that you brought this issue up for discussion.

First off, IMHO, Gooblish's suggestion is wrong. I think that that suggestion has a strong touch of wayward thinking about it. How many times have we as the BS been blamed for the WS's behaviors?

"Oh, my wife wasn't adventurous in the bedroom. I had to cheat!"

"Oh, there was no sex for years. I had to cheat. Just to get my needs met."

"Well, my BS wasn't doing it for me. So I started talking to my ex, who _really_ did it for me."

Which of us _hasn't_ heard one or more of those?

That is a very slippery slope, Karmafan. If you start down that slope then the Karma just might hit the Karmafan. IYKWIM.

As I suggested before, _you_ are in this current relationship with your SO, too. The JFO line that you're 50% responsible for the relationship comes to mind _very_ strongly here. Tell him what you want, tell him what you need. Take an active step instead of just "suggesting" to him what you want to do. Take the lead in the bedroom. Not every time, but every other or every third time.

Frankly, if you're needs aren't being met in the bedroom then do something about that. It isn't going to get any better if you don't.

Again, frankly, _speaking_ your needs and _doing_ _something_ about getting them met instead of sitting around hoping that things will get better is part of adulting.

To temper that a bit, I understand that you've said something. Now, _do_ something. Show him what you like. "I want you to ..." or "Give me your hand and ..." goes a long way.

ETA:

And then, if you're still not satisfied with that aspect of the relationship, it is _perfectly_ _okay_ and understandable to let him go. Heck, I'd even suggest it. This "split path" that you're being drawn towards now isn't going to do anybody any good at all.

[This message edited by devotedman at 7:22 AM, June 30th, 2017 (Friday)]

Ditto DM, learning what is good/bad/otherwise for a partner takes time, and often some education. Tell him, show him, explicitly what you like. He may have some limits too, which is ok, but there's a lot of gray area to find compromise in differing sexual preferences. And, I think sometimes that ability to experiment comes with time/trust.

3 mo in? Did you tell each other you were going steady?

If not, I don't see any reason why not to throw XBF back into the dating pool. You can date both.

If you are committed 3 mo in, I'd also ask why so fast? You hardly know someone in that time frame.

ETA: Unless you have committed to not date other people with current SO, there is NO WAY you can be painted with a WS-behavior brush (IMO).

[This message edited by WornDown at 7:59 AM, June 30th (Friday)]

What WD said is true.

I apologize for my assumptions. I should have asked if you _were_ exclusive. I was projecting me and not asking about you, Karmafan.

So, are you dating exclusively?

We have never had 'the talk'. We act like we are exclusive but never had it out in the open. Actually, to be perfectly frank, there are times where I think he might still be fishing. Little things like 'oh, I have forgotten to cancel my automatic renewal on OLD site', when I asked him why he is still active on it, and other such occurrences.

I know three months is nothing, and we very rarely see each other more than once a week, but when we do, it is near perfect (apart from...what you know!). The 'head' connection is the best I have ever had with a man. Hence, I want to see where this goes but, yes, we are not committed or established enough for me to be immune to other 'callings'. I don't think I could date more than one guy at the same time, it just isn't in my nature, but I can't help thinking about the other guy and the way he made me feel. It's my dilemma to face and, hopefully resolve....

D hasn't texted again and, truth be told, I am disappointed. If he did, and suggested meeting again, I don't know how I would react. But I'd be susceptible to say yes

I have tried to timidly suggest things to spice up our sex life but he doesn't seem to 'hear' me.

You owe it to yourself to make this a serious conversation (versus a 'hinting around' thing). You need to understand where you both are $exually with compatibility. While it may not be a number 1 dealbreaker, it is important to understand each other's do/don'ts, etc.

Did you mention anything about being in a relationship in that message?

Old BF/GF or previous OLD folks send fishing messages all the time. There is nothing wrong with that but how one responds to that is what matters.

I would not care if my SO's old GF reached out/fished him a text....but how he responded (or didn't) is the key.

I would agree with DM and others…Best way to determine if you and SO are (or can be) on the same page with sex is to bring it up with him. I remember a guy I was dating years ago where sex was ‘okay’, and he brought it up in a light-hearted way (something that I was doing which my ex liked), and afterwards the sex with this guy was literally explosive for both of us! Just thinking, that this new SO might be doing things that other women were okay with and may just need some guidance about your specific needs. He may just be up for it! (no pun intended)

I'm just not seeing it.

It doesn;t seem you are in any kind of "committed" relationship right now, unless I misunderstand. Sounds like you're dating. Nothing wrong with that at all.

What if today you meet a great Dude3, would you feel like you are unavailable because of Dude2, and/or Dude1?

I don't know after about 3 months of dating someone, I feel like that's enough time invested in a relationship to expect exclusiveness, unless you both have made it known that you aren't. I think I'd be rather upset finding that 3 months in the woman I was seeing was still dating other dudes.

Twisted, I think you are right: we are dating. It is committed dating, if there is such a thing. As in, we are each other's main OP, maybe not actively looking for someone else, but, if someone better came along, either new or an ex who left a mark, we are likely to at least consider our options. I know I would. I am pretty sure he would too. I'd like to be able to say that we are watertight, but I'd be lying. We are just not there yet. Having said that, I think we have the potential to be one day, but it will take time.

If D requested a meeting at this point, I would at least want to hear what he has to say. And then make a (monogamous) decision. I am talking hypothetically of course. Chances are, D and I will never meet again. I will certainly never suggest a meeting (or contact him for that matter).

[This message edited by Karmafan at 12:38 PM, June 30th (Friday)]

we are likely to at least consider our options. I know I would. I am pretty sure he would too. I'd like to say that we are watertight, but I'd be lying. We are just not there yet.

And I am happy enough in this to want to give it a good go.

I feel like these two things are contradictory, at least for how I've always approached dating. Sometime around 3-4m mark, it seems like you'd want to figure out whether to a) keep dating around and let him go, or b) stop dating around and try out exclusivity.

Maybe I am totally out of touch with how dating typically progresses? Admittedly it's been a while, but that's how all my experiences have gone, including post-D dating.

^^^^ this.