SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sick of hearing this whole sex addict bollox! In that case I'm a sex addict because I bloody love it. Also as you and others mentioned if she was that addicted she would be giving it you! As you said a heroine addict isn't going to change dealers for the sake of it. What bothers me the most is that she got caught and then when back behind your back whilst in MC bullshitting you, she comes across as a bit of a narcissist If anything. Please remember that this is nothing to do with you doing anything right or wrong, asking for a poly is always a good idea because she has revealed more just by you asking, I'd follow through with it also just incase. I admire you for wanting to save it, you have children, like me I'd hate to miss half there upbringing but there has to be a time where you put your foot down. Personally I'd leave because it's not just one incident, she has done it even after been caught witch shows no respect! At the very least get some time away from her and gather your thoughts and monitor her behaviour while your away. Like people say, you have to risk losing it to save it. Good luck

Awesome denorock!!!

I'm glad someone else is calling out the "sex addict" hooey. It's only a western nation thing. Western nations have a cultural affinity to never accept personal responsibility for anything. If your kid daydreams in class then obviously they have ADD or ADHD, let's drug'em up!

If your spouse cheats with other people it couldn't be because they're a shitty person. No, never. They obviously suffer from sex addiction, or whatever, so they're a victim in this too and none of their actions are their fault.

The U.S. Marine in me says give me a fucking break. Human beings are 100% responsible for themselves and their actions. All these made-up afflictions are an attempt to dodge personal responsibility and to sell more drugs for big pharma.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 8:20 AM, July 6th (Thursday)]

Sex addiction: like all addictions, if you don't know, you don't understand. I didn't 'believe' in sex addiction when I first stepped on the roller-coaster. But I've seen the 12 steps in action.

"How to the 12 steps work?"

"They work very well, thanks."

It doesn't matter much what I 'believe'. I can see the changes in my husband.

You all sound very much like my mother, who told me to "just eat something" when my anorexia started causing recurring kidney infections. It doesn't work that way.

[This message edited by redfury at 8:52 AM, July 6th (Thursday)]

I guess I am not claiming she is or is not a "shitty person". Regardless of an addiction or not. But it could be a contributing factor.

I did reach out to the OM spouse. I called her at work to leave a message for a call back. Her assistant called back so I had to explain and re-explain that it was personal. She finally accepted that and Passed on the message. I received a call back maybe 20 minutes later. I explained what I new. She was speechless. I apologized for contacting her at work but that I really had no other way to contact her. I asked her if she had any questions. She didn't know what to say. I told her I understood. And she has my number if she does have any questions.

Of course after hanging up I realized I had a few questions... but that's alright. I will let her process all of this. I've been there.

You did the right thing!

Definitely the right move Notrust4her. I am fairly certain the OMS from my WW's first affair knows about the A, as she has ignored my attempts to reach out to her. If she did know and had told me about it +4 years ago, it could have saved a lot of the complications of my current situation.

As mentioned previously, if I bail now I will always wonder what could have been.

No, you won't. These are the lies we BS's tell yourselves to justify not leaving. Nobody has ever said "I regret not giving my cheating wife a second/third/ect chance", it's always "I wished I'd filed for a D the second I found out".

You can't fix her but you can fix yourself, you are becoming co-dependent. She is all but guaranteed to cheat again because that's who she is. Its one of those situations where the only way to get them to stop is to divorce them as forgiving them tempts them to push the limits.

Don't fall into a sunk-cost fallacy, ask yourself what would you tell a friend to do if he was in the same situation you are in?

Do not tell her that you exposed. You'll quickly find out if they had a back channel way to communicate.

I agree that not telling your WW about exposing the affair to OM's wife is a great idea. You can judge a lot based on her reactions to the news. Like did OM already tell her or is she really angry because she's trying so hard to protect OM. What you want to see from her is resignation as in "yeah, I suppose that is for the best".

I believe that what passes for "sex addiction" is actually an obsession. This is significant because the treatment is quite different for each. You should bring this up in counseling because without treatment, she's not going to be able to change her behavior.

Right now you are being pretty level-headed about all of this. It seems you are trying to stay focused in the here-and-now - like how hard she's trying now & how sorry she is. It's as if you don't want to think or address anything she has done, only what she is doing. But you lived through the past and it has wounded you deeply whether you care to acknowledge this or not. You don't understand the depth of your denial. Right now that denial is protecting your psyche and causing you to ignore what this is really going to do to your marriage. The time is coming when you are going to face the fact that she was willing to destroy you & your family for a roll in the hay. That getting ego kibbles from other men is the most important thing in her life.

Now, I ask you, how is she going to change that obsession? It's not going to just go away - she is pretty much powerless over it when it hits her. Right now she's afraid you are going to ruin her world so she is on her best behavior and abstaining from her passion. But what about next month? Next week? Until she gets treatment and learns how to modify her thinking you & your kids are going to continue to be collateral damage to her obsessive behavior.

You did exactly the right thing. Take comfort in that.

It looks like you're getting a lot of advice, so I only skimmed this thread. Hope it all works out for the best. In my own case, divorce was the best.

I was compelled to post, though, when I saw your screen name and it reminded me of my own screen name.

Best of luck!

Cordell and Cordell, (513)273-7660, are excellent men's attorneys out of Cincinnati that deal with pre/post-nups. You may want to give them a call just to ensure that what you've heard about post-nups is true. You can also set up a irrevocable trust and place all of your assets in it. That way they don't become part of a divorce settlement in case things go that way. You've got to protect yourself and your kids.

Serial cheaters generally continue to cheat. Yours may end up being an exception but just note that it would be an exception to a well established pattern. Make your decisions accordingly.

Take care of yourself.

ps: Thanks for telling the OM's spouse. It's the right thing to do so she can make informed decisions too.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 4:52 PM, July 6th (Thursday)]

Welcome to SI NoTrust.

You've received a lot of advice and support, I do hope that this helps.

There seems to be a lot of confusion on your thread regarding the term and / or diagnosis of "sex addiction".

As was previously posted, obsession could perhaps be a better word.

There is a lot of information, resources, links support and help at the beginning of our new thread in the "I Can Relate" Forum.

Here's a link.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid607315

As is often said on SI regarding the differing advice and opinions here, take what you need - and leave the rest.

Time to put you and your children as the top priority now NoTrust.

Keep reading and please keep posting.

Sending you peace and strength.

MOB

So, I did get a text message from an unknown number. It was the OM's Spouse, She had some time to think and had some questions. She wanted a few more details of what I knew. She wanted some "proof" to which I did not have a lot to offer her. I told her my wife was (I think) being honest and open with me about everything. I spoke to my wife and gave OM's spouse some details about the layout of their home and bedroom. Location of the home. etc.. She confirmed that what I passed along was mostly accurate. (I was asking for accuracy for my own validation) We did mutually confirm a few phone calls on the phone bills. But most communication was done on FB messenger and iMessage, which leaves nothing behind after being deleted. (unless iCloud backup is used). She texted me the following day and let me know she had confronted him and he denied it (to be expected).

I have some solace in knowing my wife was willing to "rat him out" (so to speak), she says this was not a real connection type relationship. I have been monitoring all of her communications (I know I know...) She has agreed to a polygraph if I can get that arraigned. She has also assured me there their is no question about my children being mine, and that this all occurred over the course of a few months this year. And outside of that and the one incident of texting 6 years ago (To clarify the incident 6 years ago never went beyond texting according to her). But she also understands why I question it and has no concerns with me doing a paternity test. I see some prepaid options for mail order kits I am looking into. (Mail in swabs to a lab and wait for results sort of thing). We have both been in for STD testing all of my tests came back this morning. All clean. Her blood tests have come back clean, we are still awaiting the urine results. This does give me some comfort that we may be in the clear as far as STD's are concerned.

We have been intimate (a lot actually) and for the first time in my married life I used a condom... She is adamant that she will do anything needed to work this out. Is attending counseling and been doing some reading on her situation. She feels that what she is/was addicted or obsessed with, is more the thrill of the "forbidden" and the thought that she is "desired" by a man. More than the actual need/want for a relationship. She has no question that it's something that cannot exist in the marriage and she is making attempts to "Fix" herself.

I have been asking her about "urges" to get on kik or resume any of her previous behavior. In the beginning, she had said that when she got stressed with the kids or various things, the thought popped into her head. She would reach out to her accountability friend. It seems that the longer she is away from the behavior the less of a problem it is for her to avoid it. And that of course with this all so fresh her "guard is up”. She is cognoscente of being aware when things start to "normalize/calm down" and old behaviors could appear once again. We are communicating constantly. She has no qualms with any of my questions/fears/trust issues and is doing anything and everything I ask.

I have ups and downs as far my feelings on it all, I am still not sure that this is something I will be able to move on from. I am waiting to see how the coming months go, and I will be seeing a therapist this week solo for the first time. He deals with Men’s issues and has a lot of insight in sexual addiction/obsession from a man’s perspective (Only works with men). I am hoping he has some insight to provide to help me understand if this is something that we/I can deal with and move on from. And also what my wife discovers with her therapist.

We are less than 2 weeks out from a family vacation, It will be us and our 3 kids. Her parents/my parents and another couple friends of ours. Everyone is aware of the situation with the exception of my parents. Being as we have not had an issue with arguing or disagreements over the matter. I hope to have an enjoyable vacation with my wife and kids. I figure that regardless of whether we can get past this and stay married, I have a relationship with this woman for the rest of my life as the mother of my children. I have asked her either way this goes, can we please remain civil. She has agreed though tearfully hopes this can be gotten past.

She has a friend who was aware of this situation while it was going on. (This friend had a similar thing going on apparently and has since decided to leave her husband) I had thoughts to ask her to not be in contact with her, as it seems a good friend would have discouraged this behavior. Then it occurred to me that it appeared she had not been in touch with this friend. I asked her about it and she confirmed that she had not been in touch with her. Again, I have some hope in the fact that she is distancing herself from things that remind her of or could trigger her behavior. Though I am still cautious and observant of her behavior.

You have every right to be cautious. It is important at this stage that you don't believe what she says , but watch her actions instead. On average it takes 2-5 years to heal . I found the OBS to be a valuable piece of the puzzle as my wife's ability to tell the truth about what happened left her for a bit. Having another set of eyes peering into the situation was helpful.

The "friend" has to go, not only would a real friend of hers and her M have discouraged it, they would have informed you.

This person will be toxic in your WW's life if she continues to socialize with her.

It was a tough weekend, I did not sleep well Saturday night I was distracted all day Sunday. It was obvious to her that I was upset. WS is asking what she can do to fix this. I feel like she needs to do something to fix it. But I have no idea what to tell her. She has deleted all her social media accounts. I have access to all her electronic communications. She owns it… She apologizes every day. And says she wants to fix it. But I don’t know what I need her to do. I have not forgiven her… I feel like I forgave her for the texting too soon and she/I let our guard down to soon. Wednesday will be our 9-year Anniversary, I usually have something planned. Sometimes a stay at a cabin. Sometimes just a date night with some flowers. Something… I just don’t have it in me right now. I have nothing planned. I do still love her… Sunday was tough, she could sense I was struggling and she was falling apart because of it. We both cried and held each other.. This whole thing is a pile of shit I wish just would never have been. One day at a time I guess…

We have a family vacation at a beach house planned for this weekend. We still are not arguing or fighting about this. I hope that we all have a good time and make some memories for the kids/us. It will be a large group of us, everyone going is aware of the what has transpired. And aware we are trying to work on it.

On a side note we did talk about the friend, she agrees.. She is not a friend...

Did you start IC? How did that go?

Is she in IC? If not, she needs to be. If so, how is it going.

Here are some things I have collected here that a Remorseful WS should be doing if their BS is giving them the gift of working on R.

Adapt them to your situation. How many of them are you doing?

Examples of what to put in a plan to becoming safe and working toward R.

1) a letter of NC to the OM that you see and approve and watch her send.

2) real NC. Meaning she quits her job so she can never see him or run into him again. Real ghosting. Blocking him from everything. If He tries to contact her she does not respond and she tells you. If he persists your lawyer can send him a cease and desist.

3) she writes out a full timeline of the A. Full details. And you review it with her.

4) she writes you a letter of apology telling you why she thinks she did what she did and what it would mean to her to have you stay and work on the marriage.

It should include:

- how sorry she is for what she has done - why she thinks it happened - how she would have felt if you had been the one to do this - what she is willing to do to ensure this never happens again - how she knows what she did will change your relationship forever - how she knows that she has put you in a terrible position of now having to monitor her for the rest of your lives. -why she decided to stay with you instead of leaving you for the other man?

5) she agree to a polygraph. You may or may not have her do it, but don't tell her that. If she really wants R she will agree

6) you both do IC. Her to figure out why she was willing to go beyond her vows. You so you can work thru the pain. You should do this whether you head for D or R.

7) at a later point you might start MC to work on what was missing from the M. But only after you both work on yourselves first.

8) Expose. The affair needs to be exposed to both your families and close friends. They need to be able to help you make it thru this R. Doing it alone with just the both of u and no one else knowing is doomed for failure. If she is truly remorseful you will both go to them together and she will admit what's she has done and what she is doing to make herself a safe partner for you. If she is not willing to do this, then probably just end it here and move forward with D.

9) contact the OBS. You do it. She should help you. If she is truly remorseful she will want to do that for you. You should want to do it because it's the right thing to do for the OBS. If she won't tell her then tell her I can only assume you are protecting him because you are still in the A with him and you'll be getting the D papers this week.

10) look at implementing a postnup. Others here can give you more details on how this works.

11) she provides open access to all her technology from now on. On demand. No time to delete stuff. If not then she's obviously more interested in having secrets than your M.

12) No more going out without disclosing where she is. If "going out with the girls" has been an excuse to meet with AP in the past, then that ends

13) no more meeting alone with a man. No lunches, dinners, drinks whatever. If she has to do so for business it only happens at places of business and not behind closed doors. She informs you of when this is necessary and with whom and for how long. Social Happy Hours (outside of actual work functions) are to be attended together or not attended at all.

14) Does all required reading. "Not just friends" and "how to help your spouse heal..." etc.

15) find a friend or family member for you to confide in. You shouldn't be going thru this alone.

16) STD testing for u both. Visual proof of the results is required.

17) no new affairs. If so D papers will be served. No lies about relationships with others any more. If so we are done.

18) Any questions about the affair are to be answered honestly for the rest of our life. Never be done answering questions about it.

19) No conversations about our marriage or any other marriage with another man/woman unless your spouse is ok to talk to someone specific about it.

20) No one comes in to our home without both us knowing.

21) Communication- No secrets, no matter how hard it will be to hear. Discuss all attractions. Discuss all third party attention. Discuss all feelings good and bad. Be honest with yourself and aware of your feelings, then communicate that to your spouse.

22) We don't do anything in absence of one another that we wouldn't do in the others presence.

The path to happiness may be thru R (which will take years of hard work but may be worth it to you) or D, but in the end you will be happier and feel better about standing up for yourself and your family if you are doing the above steps.

Oh also. I think it would be on her this time to offer to plan something for the anniversary. She should check with you if that is ok first. Has she asked you about it?

I'm afraid I'm in the same class with brandnewwhammy and denorock.

This "sex addition" is a little hard to swallow when it's everybody but you.

Psychobabble from a marriage counselor. She got bored and found a way to get some attention and thought she could get away with it. She got caught so now she's playing excuse games.