SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WS only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:34 AM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

OnlyGodCanheal,

Like I said. You and many other make valid points. And it's probably wrong that I already have a pre-defined idea of what strength is. And what strength is not.

Is a woman (or man) that chooses to stay in a physically abusive relationship "strong"? It takes an enormous amount of strength to wake up, go to work every day, feed your children, put on a fake smile while your partner physically beats you. One could argue that staying the victim of domestic violence is strength. But for me, strength is saying no to the abuse in a cut-throat kind of way. No second chances, you hurt me I am gone. That to me is strength. Strength and confidence in yourself and knowing your selfworth.

[This message edited by Lordofthebinge at 5:32 AM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

I think I can still post since the mods say I'm a madhatter cuz had a Revenge ONS or whatever after our marriage was nuked by my Cheating Wife.

I find myself agreeing with your definiton of strength. I don't think infidelity is really much different than a guy that beats his wife, possibly worse. But people stay for all sorts of reasons mainly Kids. Others say religion, love or whatever other bullshit reason they make up, but I'm not too high on those, we can all love again and the bible (Matthew) gives you an out.

Whether you stay or go, it does take strength, because its a headfuck living with a CS. Those last 3 months after dday were the worse. In a sense its easier divorcing. Hell, I moved on in no time, I have a girlfriend that respects the hell out of me and besides my X being the mother of my daughter, couldn't give 2 fucks about my cheating X. I wish her well, but everytime she tries to strike up some convo, my mind turns into a hampster wheel. I just don't care. The people in R have to deal with the fallout and pain for years, some never get over it.

In your situation with no kids, I think your wife is weak for staying IF she knows you cheated. I couldn't really tell if she suspects it or if you managed to convince her otherwise. I really think she'd be much happier moving on and having a fresh start with someone that treats her better. If you do plan on having kids with her, then PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell her the whole truth. Don't be a fucking coward and let her go into bringing innocent children into this world under false pretenses. Let her make that decision with the full truth about her marriage. Step up and be a man.

I think BH is weak for staying however I'm eternally grateful he did.

[This message edited by Root at 11:22 AM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

OnlyGodCanHeal - thank you for that rational list. I think the bit about happiness is the most important. We are all responsible for our own happiness and peace despite circumstances and as a WW it is SO important for me to remember that and not base my happiness on achieving the outcome I desire, which of course is to R and live happily ever after.

Your list also gives me hope that my BH will consider these things. He is intelligent and usually quite rational. He is also the strongest man I know. I'm not sure which decision takes more strength and probably varies based on the individual and circumstances, but in general it seems it would take a lot more strength to risk being hurt like this again then to just give up. To help clean up the mess you didn't ask for. God I hope my BH has this strength.

You answered none of my questions and never address the fact you have zero respect for your wife.

For a wayward who hasn't done anything to improve themselves (evident in your posting) you seem to think you know what strength and self worth is which is funny in a haha kind of way, not a smirking kind of way.

And please can it on the physical abuse analogy, a false narrative. A man has no place deciding what is or isn't strong about a women being physically abused. Comparing emotional abuse (Which in a couples setting can be meted out by both parties equally) to physical abuse by a stronger person over a physically weaker person is just ignorant.

Weakness or strength I hope she can see you for who you are.

So I am confused. If you view her as being so weak then why do you stay with someone that you look down on so much? Do you enjoy feeling superior to her? Can you not respect her enough to let her go since you don't think she is strong enough to recognize what is in her own best interests.

Lordofthebinge,

She is not weak. We are the weak ones. She has had to endure incredibly pain and suffering because of your choices. She didn't ask to be cheated on, she didn't ask to be put in the position of having to choose between the person she loves and the knowledge that it will never be the fairy tale that she probably dreamed about. She will have to live with the thoughts of you with another person. She has to endure all of the pain and baggage that comes from infidelity and being screwed over by the person who was supposed to protect her. She is the brave one for accepting this pain and fighting through it and you are a weak person just like i was to my BS putting her through 12 years of TT. My BS is the strongest person I know and her choice to stick it out and sacrifice her happiness for my kids is one of the bravest and selfless things I could ever imagine.

WS should stand for Weak/Scared while BS should stand for Brave/Strong.

hardlessons,

A man has no place deciding what is or isn't strong about a women being physically abused.

I have never played in the NFL but I think I can call what is or is not good play. I have never rolled down a mountain in a barrel, but I can rationalize that it would be painful without ever having experienced it first hand. It's called deduction and inference.

I think the problem is that I began with the premise that "a weak person is a person that stays with a cheater". If that is true, then the BS is weak for staying with the WS. Let's try to disprove that premise by making it an inverse of itself.

Instead of: a weak person is a person that stays with a cheater

Replace with: a strong person is a person that stays with a cheater

I personally just don't buy it. Doesn't make sense to me.

Again, I agree with many of you that R is a gift. I, too, am grateful for a second chance. But the question isn't about R, it's about taking back the WS. And I think taking back the WS is definitely a weakness of character.

I suppose there are two sides to this argument. It's easy to think of someone as weak for staying with a WS. Heck, I struggle greatly when reading in JFO with those spouses that were disrespected by their WS in all sorts of evil ways, yet decide to reconcile. I mean, if someone is repeatedly smacking you across the face, it certainly makes sense to get out of the way permanently. Why would you want to stay with a person who has the capacity to hurt you like that?

Then I think about us WS who are really the weak ones in this scenario. We decided to step out of our marriage for whatever bullshit excuse(s) we told ourselves. Instead of dealing with it in a mature way, we took the easy way and strayed. Sadly, it seems to be very easy to find people who are as morally bankrupt as us. So in the grand scheme of things, it is very easy to cheat if you want to.

Going from the position that a WS is completely remorseful and willing to do whatever is necessary to repair the marriage. That is the "best" case scenario. It takes incredible strength and courage for a BS to offer R. No only do they have to process and deal with their entire lives being blown apart, they have to live with the uncertainty that it won't happen again. On top of all that, they still have to deal with life outside the marriage which presents its own set of challenges.

IMO, divorcing is the much easier or "weaker" path if you will. This is certainly not a dig against anyone who determines that infidelity is a deal breaker, but it takes a shit ton of time, emotional fortitude and bravery to work through infidelity. If those preceding traits are considered weak, I would certainly be glad to possess them.

What you may think is weak...I may think is strong.

The important thing in a relationship is how you view yourself and your partner.

My husband felt he was weak because he wanted me to stay and reconcile....yet I viewed him as the strong one.

which one was he?

None of us can answer and even if we could it doesn't matter. It is what we feel inside.

Wow.

This will be my last post on this thread.

You are a serious piece of work. So you are going to argue definitions of words rather then address the REAL questions people have asked you? That's weakness. Your level of deflection is unreal.

Understand your BS is extending the gift today and now, but there is a line in the sand for every person about how much they will tolerate and how much they can recover from. There IS a line for her that you have yet to cross, but WHEN you cross it, you could move heaven and earth and she will not take you back.

Quit worrying about being right and start listening or you will find yourself alone and "right" but alone nonetheless

So by

deduction and inference

your BS is weak.. Understand that weakness attracts weakness and that while you were given a "Gift" of R I can deduct and infer that you haven't done anything with it as you sit there and rationalize other people.

What have you done to use those super powers on yourself?

OP - you seem to feed off the negative charge of people's responses - LOL - and even your screen name is extreme for where most of the waywards are on this site.

All of these responders giving their good feedback without even knowing or realizing the back story of your d-day which isn't really the way d-day is used on this site (eg your AP told your wife but since AP is nut-so no one believed her and you basically "went" along with that.)

This site isn't really for you. Obviously you're welcome and I'm not the decision maker but you're here to provoke and get reactions - and you do. What that does for you IRL is a question worth considering except I doubt you care.

There is a popular personality description along the lines of vampire sucking the energy or life from others because they truly have no emotional strength or ability of their own. Seems that might be your personality bend.....

IMO, divorcing is the much easier or "weaker" path if you will. This is certainly not a dig against anyone who determines that infidelity is a deal breaker, but it takes a shit ton of time, emotional fortitude and bravery to work through infidelity. If those preceding traits are considered weak, I would certainly be glad to possess them.

I didn't take this as a dig. But consider this. I agree divorce is much easier in the sense that its much easier to move on, removed from the source of your pain, you recovery is sped up exponentially. You have a chance to forget about the X, find someone else and live a happier life.

But, really thats only one side of it. Obviously the financial hit is big, but the family being broken apart is the hardest part of it. You see your kids only half the time. I may not miss my spouse, but I do miss the role she represented. Things like family vacations, school functions, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays feel very different. For example, I use to love Halloween, this year I will be skyping my daughter. I use to love Christmas Eve and Santa, this year I will be skyping my daughter. And sure I could move on find someone new, but its still different and takes a long time before you get to that point. Cultivating relationships after divorce are not the easiest with custody schedules and the baggage you carry after infidelity. Feeling like a failure after your family crumbles like sand through your fingers was especially hard.

So, I'm not necessarily sure if Divorce is easier or weaker, its just different than reconciliation. That's why my view is to run if you don't have kids, finances can be recovered, all the other stuff is heartbreaking.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 12:18 PM, August 10th (Thursday)]

Randy1133

My apologies to you (and the other DBS) my statement was too broad and should have been more specific. I should have said it was easier with respect to having to deal with the pain of betrayal and uncertainty staring at you every day. I certainly wasn't trying to minimize all of the other pain that goes along with D. I would also think that one of the worst feelings for a BS is having their entire life upended through no fault of their own.

I am amazed every day by the strength my wife has, to be able to show me love even after all the pain I caused her. To even attempt to trust and love someone after infidelity is not at all weakness. I can't think of any other way she could possibly be stronger. To live with the fear, anxiety, hurt and betrayal, and still be completely amazing and giving. I have been blessed with an amazing wife.

To be able to stay is strength, not weakness.

No worries, ff, I understood what you meant. And I agree completely on that part of it. I mean taking kids out of it, divorce would be a fucking breeze compared to reconciling, no worse than breaking up after a Long Term Relationship (just a little more expensive). It hurts for awhile, but then you find someone new and better. You have a clean start. I would have never given a second thought to R if it wasn't for my kid. In the end she didn't want R and honestly I don't think I could have done it anyways.

So maybe you don't tell your wife the whole truth because maybe she will be strong enough to actually leave you if she knew the whole truth.... just a thought.

Maybe your the one making her weak then....