SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You said last weekend. Does that mean he ghosted you for for 3 days or ghosted you for more like 10 days?

Sorry, I was not clear on the timeline as I was writing this. 10 days ago.

I did talk to a counselor through work today; fortunately my company offers multiple counseling sessions for free over the phone and then refers you to a regular counselor in your area. I wanted to understand what, if anything I should/could do dealing with this. Most likely I will end up with my own counseling sessions working through my co-dependency issues.

In the end, I did acknowledge his message today, wished him well with his struggle and thanked him for the time together, making sure that my message was worded in no uncertain terms that this was the end of the road. I felt manipulated by the open ended message he sent, felt used by the fact we had sex the night and morning of the day he started the disappearing act and I don't want to go through it a third time. I will grieve the relationship and I will sure miss him because when it was good, it was actually great and I have the best memories; but I can't take more abandonment like this.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 9:37 PM, September 21st (Thursday)]

Good for you for taking care of yourself, fraeuken. I didn't realize it was 10 days when I responded. That's a hell of a lot to ask you to put up with.

Sounds like he wanted to "keep the door open." Glad you shut it for good.

Good for you for loving yourself and knowing your worth. I'm sorry he did that to you. Mental health problems or not, it's no excuse for him being an asshole.

I will grieve the relationship and I will sure miss him because when it was good, it was actually great and I have the best memories; but I can't take more abandonment like this.

It will be a process to grieve, but you clearly know what is healthy and best for you. Sending you strength and comfort, honey.

((((fraeuken)))))

I didn't realize it was 10 days when I responded.

Wow, I didn't either! I think 3 days would be pushing it in a 2 year LTR where you've talked every day.

Good for you for drawing the line. Your future self will thank you for standing up for yourself in this moment.

I was hoping that you would do what you did. Take care of yourself now.

I almost don't dare to give this update because this will be hitting close to home for many on here..

In a wine induced frenzy, I admit it, I did some digging because something odd came up recently when he told me he had accidentally dialed a number in a town he used to live in and Googled that number and low, and behold, it was the woman he had lived with for a while in that town when he tried to blend families.

I dug and I found:

- An apartment found in his name from March 2016 - June 2017 in that town. That would be in addition to the apartment he rented where I thought he lived full time.

- An address change in July 2017 to another address in that same town, which after some more digging he had been registered before with his daughters. Please all take a guess who owns that house.

His lease in his current apartment, the one I was aware of, is up end of this month.

Could this really be happening? I never thought I would have to use my investigative skills again that I developed way back when XH cheated on me. I might need to change careers . I am stunned.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 4:58 PM, September 22nd (Friday)]

That had to have been a gut punch. Those grief stages can hit hard and fast when discovering new information.

I don't really know your story, so I don't really know how involved you and this dickhead got.

To someone who has only read this thread, it almost sounds like you're the OW (unknowingly).

Holy. Shit. I'm so sorry.

I'm not an automatic "tell the betrayed girlfriend/OW/whatever she is" person but in this case I would totally out this fucker to whatever side pieces (or main piece) he has. A few years ago I dated a guy for 6 months who turned out to have a fiance and a home and other kids I didn't know about. We spent a ton of time together, I met his (enabling) family and friends, he took me as a date to weddings, etc., so I was gobsmacked when I found out he wasn't camping out of town, but needed to put in some extended quality time with the fiance in "their" house. I sent her a Facebook message and she replied saying she didn't believe me and to stay the fuck away from her, but they also broke up within the next 6 months.

"A few years ago I dated a guy for 6 months who turned out to have a fiance and a home and other kids I didn't know about. We spent a ton of time together, I met his (enabling) family and friends, he took me as a date to weddings"

I guess, it is possible to have two lives. Just wow. Timeline-wise she would be the OW, unless he was seeing her before we connected, but I don't think so, but then, what do I know at this point?

We have been on vacations during this time, he introduced me to his mother and to his friends, we spent time together; however, he never had time anymore to be around for whole weekends.

Double post.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 5:49 PM, September 22nd (Friday)]

I'm very sorry to hear about your discoveries, though I am glad that you made them.

Sigh. One just wants to crawl in a hole and pull the hole in after them, doesn't one?

fist bump of solidarity }{

Yes, a hole that I don't need to crawl out of ever again would be nice. I feel like nothing; every bit of self confidence that I am somebody and belief that there is somebody out there, simply shattered. At least I have my answers now.

So, remember the truth. His actions are no reflection upon your worth as a person but instead upon _his_ worth as a person.

IOW, he isn't worth much. Certainly not worth losing your self-esteem over.

So, let your emotions flow a bit, lighten up on beating yourself up because that is just false thinking, and then tomorrow cook some scrambled eggs, bacon, and have a nice breakfast then go do something fun for yourself.

Also, forget about old what's-his-name. He's not worth wasting further thought over.

What a sonofabitching bastard!

I'm sorry you found that but glad you did. This is about who HE is, not who you are. And the best liars are really good at making us feel foolish. And they are the best for a reason, they had lots of practice. What a POS he is!

Hugs to you.

No No No. You are not nothing. Give youself credit. You knew something didn't add up. You go girl. You didn't get it the first time and you said NO MORE! the second time and there would not be a third. And you decided not to just "be there" for him. That's huge. Give yourself credit. Don't take on one iota of a duche bag fucking with you. It not your fault and you didn't deserve it.

Think about the fact that you didn't even know he was completely conning you and you still said enough! I am so sorry this happed to you. It sucks. But I am in awe that instead of just feeling sad and pining away for this poor littow anxiety ridden baby, you checked and found out the truth. I know. It hurts but I'm standing in my living room applauding you.

((((fraeuken))))

I'm so sorry to hear this news. What a fucking douchebag.

Oh (((fraeuken))))

I really feel bad for you, and totally "get" how it does not seem this could be possible, when you have met his family, and everything!

Please know, reading your first post the other day gave me some 25-years-late insight into a similar relationship I'd had, where I never got any sense of closure after he suddenly "ghosted" me. Thank you for sharing this, it has helped me to get that closure!

After I realized it was apparently "over," I'd sent his mother a thank-you card for her graciousness to me during the several months we dated and his family had gotten so thoroughly involved in "my life." My own mother had just died the previous year. She was such a lovely person.

And even his teen children had seemed enthusiastic about "us." (I was 42 at the time, and am now 66 years old.)

When he disappeared, somebody who knew me before I met him, laughed my pain off by saying "Oh, you didn't know he was the biggest bed-hopper in this county?" I was like "WHAT?" That is when I found out he had a well-earned reputation for charming and cheating rich girls. (I guess he found out I wasn't a rich girl, I worked for a living!)

But what really messed with my head for a long time afterwards, was that neither his family nor any of his friends had ever given me any clue that I was just his next "date." They made it all seem so "real," as in, "Finally he meets a good woman!" Ouch.

So, your post just seemed to confirm for me that this is more about them, than it is about us!

I, too, sought counseling after this, even though I had been through all kinds of trauma/drama long before I met him. It was sort of like the final straw for me, and I was really confused, like you sound.

P.S. I heard that a few months after our last communication, he stopped by where I used to work, (he had been introduced to all those folks, too) to ask after me. He tried to explain to a coworker friend of mine, who remembered him fondly, how it was that "we kinda cooled it a bit." Ha. Right. I think he was doing this same thing your guy was doing, but he never had the courage to call me again, either.

Over the many, many years since that time, I have bumped into him by accident here in our small community. He never did remarry, but has hung on to one woman or another for years at a time. He has never been able to meet my eyes or speak to me, since. How strange. I still cannot figure out what makes people act like that.

But please know, that this has little to nothing to do with you, and everything to do with who he really is. You were shielded from seeing that, by his design. Perhaps, to their family, that person is already known to be a serial relationship type, so I think they take the position they'll have no investment in how things turn out. And we may mistake their polite enthusiasm about us, for a real welcome.

But it doesn't make it hurt any less. So sorry!