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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:12 PM on Thursday, October 12th, 2017
Go out on a date? My take is go if you want to.
Shirley Glass (you really should at least scan NOT "Just Friends" and the free resources on Peggy Vaughan's website) mentions a 'work on the M' stage for people who aren't sure what they want to do.
I think she meant something like: Deal with issues as they come up. Observe self and spouse to see if R is possible. She made sense to me.
Our 1st d-day anniversary was 9 months after d-day. I didn't know if were unmarried, M for 9 months, or M for 43 years. I didn't want to celebrate, but I did accept my W's invitation to dinner. We had a great time, and it helped our R. (It took 4 years, IIRC, before I wanted to celebrate.)
W's b'day was 2 weeks after d-day. I gave her some Chap-Stik. We went out to dinner, because our son, STBXDIL, and GS were visiting. It wasn't until I was 3 years out that I gave her a real gift - and that gift was ballroom dancing lessons that I wanted for me.
I urge you not to be a therapist for yourself. Instead, be the client who implements a good therapist's suggestions. (And then tell us how easy/difficult that is. 
)
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
d-day - 12/22/2010 Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Mamabear312 (original poster member #59811) posted at 6:20 PM on Thursday, October 12th, 2017
I urge you not to be a therapist for yourself. Instead, be the client who implements a good therapist's suggestions. (And then tell us how easy/difficult that is. )
Yeah, all that coping skills bullsh*t. :) Kidding, kidding, but it's HARD. I do my best to practice what I preach and rely solely on my therapist instead of my therapist thoughts... but working on oneself is no joke, as we all know!
I am trying SO hard to separate my therapist brain from my human brain. In some ways, it's who I would be no matter my profession...but in others, I'm working hard to just be a hurt human being do the best I can each day.
[This message edited by Mamabear312 at 12:22 PM, October 12th (Thursday)]
Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 1:42 AM on Tuesday, October 17th, 2017
BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer
Mamabear312 (original poster member #59811) posted at 4:13 AM on Tuesday, October 17th, 2017
Notthevictim, it did. I think in some ways I just needed validation that it's okay to be in limbo/to be undecided. I feel like I read about how awful limbo feels often on SI, but right now for me it feels like the most sane place I can be.
It also reminded me that I need to keep working on ME, and not spending time in my therapy wondering about my WH and analyzing his actions/words. I have FOO things I could be working on and ways I need to improve myself, and that's a much better use of my time, no matter how this plays out.
The advice to detach and to watch closely if he's changing in order to R or for himself was helpful too.
So yes...helpful. I've been pondering a lot the last couple days how to manage people's judgment around even considering R. I'm clear my parents would be horrified, and many of my friends too. I don't blame them, if I were a 3rd party I'd be pretty judgmental too. He blew the gift of R, already. And while I obviously know it's my life and it shouldn't matter what people say, it's hard. It digs into that "do I lack self-respect if I consider this?" place inside of me, and I hate that. Open to thoughts on how people manage that...
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 2:30 PM on Tuesday, October 17th, 2017
...not spending time in my therapy wondering about my WH and analyzing his actions/words.
Doesn't your therapist listen a bit and then come back with some variation of, 'How do you feel about that?' of 'What do you think of that?'
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
d-day - 12/22/2010 Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Mamabear312 (original poster member #59811) posted at 9:19 PM on Tuesday, October 17th, 2017
Doesn't your therapist listen a bit and then come back with some variation of, 'How do you feel about that?' of 'What do you think of that?'
Of course, yes. She's a good therapist (trust me, I've had and seen plenty of bad). I guess I meant that I don't want to talk about how what he does makes me feel. I just want to talk about ME and what I can do to be a better, more whole person.
Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 9:23 PM on Tuesday, October 17th, 2017
It digs into that "do I lack self-respect if I consider this?" place inside of me, and I hate that. Open to thoughts on how people manage that...
My self-respect is intact because I kept my vows. I somehow remain standing through good times and extremely, horrible worse. I have maintained who I am, what I am about -- and ultimately, now that I'm back 'in the know' of what our relationship was, I get to set the parameters of what I will accept in order to stay, or fly solo.
I don't know how hard of a line you previously set. I think you can only start to sweat self-respect if, and only if, you continue to move the line back.
You couldn't enable what you didn't know about. It is all about what you want now, today and then enforce those boundaries.
[This message edited by Oldwounds at 3:35 PM, October 17th (Tuesday)]
Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca
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