SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My 10 year old knows, but only because it directly affects his life. OW’s the recently divorced mother of his friend & teammate (and WH is head coach of that team). The assistant coach & wife also encouraged, coordinated get togethers, and helped hide the affair. If it had been a co-worker or stranger who wasn’t regularly in my son’s life, my life or in our house, he may not have been told. My entire side of the family knows as do several of my friends (including one who’s husband works with WH), along with my MIL and FIL. OW’s XH told a few more parents on our team as well. It’s out there regardless and I’m tired of protecting him from more shame just because I’m afraid of his reaction, it’s just another way he’s controlling me. More people will know, especially when D papers get filed.

[This message edited by Lauren1717 at 6:45 PM, November 25th (Saturday)]

My take on this may be a little different because my Ex is NPD and is still a manipulative pathological liar.

Our children needed to know that I would always tell them the truth. So I told our oldest the age appropriate there are rules when you are married and Daddy broke those rules truth.

Of course since then my Ex continues to tell our children that we got D because we didn’t get along. And we didn’t get along because I am a terrible person who made him yell, hit me and break things...

Love and life are scary enough for kids without them growing up thinking that people just stop loving each other which means that one day you may stop loving them.

Your children are trying to make sense of what happened and the prices they have may not fit with the lies that you are presenting them. Given the damage my Ex’s abuse and affair did to me trusting my reality I refuse to inflict that kind of confusion on anyone else - especially our children.

Just a perspective.

I haven't, except to a few close friends.

There was some sacrifice on my part, as I really wanted to initially. A good lawyer friend of mine told me not to do so, as then people start taking sides, and the other person will retaliate.

While it does hurt me, and I am angry, not having a nuclear war has made it easier for both of us to see our child grow up. She knows I'm mad at her and the OG, and she carries that burden. The thing is, the truth will come out. It won't be that hard for people to put it together as she starts to be seen around town with the OG, as the timing of everything is too transparent, plus the OG already has a history around town that's well documented.

Put it this way. You can tell any day. You can't take it back. That's also a lot for kids to have to deal with. I'll tell the people who need to know that give me support, but I'm willing to sacrifice an easier ability to spend time with my child.

That said, I'm not condoning actively helping anyone hide or cover infidelity.

Her reputation is no longer your concern or your burden to bear. Now I hate gossip more then I an say. If someone asks you pointedly, I would tell the truth. I would suspect there ARE (particularly in a small town) there are a few who know or strongly suspect (think bartender, convenience store clerk, you'd be shocked what people will do or say in front of "invisible" people.

As far as your kids go, they are way too young to even remotely tell. My ex is also NPD, my kids are all grown. They are also aware, based on their own experiences with him what he is, etc. Telling my children to go NC is the "right" thing to do, but I never have told them that because I can not say my motivation was pure, that and things "stick" better when you learn them yourself. So I've not once said that.

sidenote, my parents way overshared their sex lives. That's really awful. Keep some proof with your divorce papers so if they ask pointed questions you can hand them the papers or they'll know but not until you're dead.

I kept my WW affair to myself for a few weeks. Then, I realized I could not heal by being be complicit in hiding her affair, which is what she wanted. (She even tried to bribe me into keeping it secret.) So I told my friends and family. It has helped them to understand why our seemingly good 23-year marriage has ended. Our kids (16, 17, 20)know, but from her with me present so she could not lie about it. It helped me to face the reality and begin the road to healing. It is an ugly, shitty thing that has happened. Helping to cover it up and lying about it only made me feel worse. I felt relieved to come clean with those whom I trust and know love me. My divorce is final next week. I wish you the best on your healing journey.

I didn't say a word for about a year and a half until my WW started rewriting the marital history. Thats when my response was changed too " The reason I divorced was because I could not get along with my WW's boyfriend"

Here's how it'll go down. People will ask and she'll paint you as a monster. No, you say, surely she wouldn't treat you like that. Well? She already has. She has betrayed you as bad as any spouse can betray another. Of course she's going to paint you as the bad guy who left his wife and kids. Do with that what you will. It's your decision. If it was me? I'd expose to the world. The truth is never wrong.

Do what you feel is right everyone is different in this situation. I am the opposite and go scorched earth. In my case everyone who knows me knows

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:06 PM, November 27th (Monday)]

I think you will find that even if you don't tell people, they will find out.

I agree with several of the others that you should not lie to protect her. You shouldn't hide it from your family, you probably need their support and they need to know the truth.

Kids at that age are tricky. I expect when my kids are older they will ask more about the D and I will give them the truth.

You should also tell anyone else you think should know. Not to punish or embarrass your ex, but you also don't know what your ex may be telling them. If you have mutual friends, she may be lying to them, also. Most cheaters don't like to tell others that they ruined their marriage by having and A.

I applaud that you've told your kids "We don't get along," at least while they're young. Telling them the lurid details or even the lurid overview, can easily throw them into the middle of an even worse situation.

I think the more we stress to our kids that this is a grown up problem, and yes they're sadly having to deal with it, the more they don't feel responsible. I know others may disagree.

In terms of the broader community, I felt no compelling reason to help my XWW spread lies as to why we were splitting. If someone asks, I just tell them, "She viewed infidelity as a cry for help. I viewed it less charitably."

She's spreading her narrative that it's my fault she cheated, that it was some declaration of pain and triumph. Ummm... Whatever. I felt like some counter-narrative was only fair.

I would be inclined to inform a few key people who you respect and respect you. You've taken multiple hits already Lauren there's no good reason why you should protect him, unless you feel you're protecting yourself. There's a degree of liberation you are entitled to in my opinion. For those with whom you are contemplating telling, you might want to think of a brief, concise statement that would tell everything without telling everything if you know what I mean. Something to the effect of, .......

As you may have heard, WS and I are divorcing. It involved infidelity. I just want you to know, I was faithful. I wish him the best.

Short and to the point. People want to know but don't know how to ask and begin speculating. You would sense this awkwardness. By being straightforward and brief, you provide them with the what and the why, but not the how, which is none of there business. Your social integrity should and personal dignity will at least be preserved to some degree. I wish you well and a rapid healing and personal resurrection.

[This message edited by Jorge at 1:53 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]