SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are a newly betrayed husband, so you're going to make mistakes when dealing with your emotions. You've certainly made your share of them. To recap:

-You've played the pick me card. That makes your wife respect you less. With that loss of that respect follows loss of attraction. The more you chase, beg and plead; the more she tries to get away.

-You agreed to a separation. That just allows her to have unfettered access to the OM while she keeps you tucked away as a backup plan.

-You waited to expose. Exposure is the surest way to end the A, especially with the OM being in the military. It doesn't matter if that's the reason she decides to come home. No one says you have to R with her. What matters is that just in case you decide to R, the OM will likely be out of the picture.

Look, you can't worry about exposing your wife and her losing her job. She's a teacher, just like my wife was. She knew the risks. She shouldn't get a free pass because she put her own self in this position. You don't have to tell the school directly, but if she does get fired; so be it. You must expose to the OM's wife, to his CO, to your family and to her family.

The good news is that you can correct your mistakes. See an attorney to start the divorce process, formulate an exit plan, separate your finances, implement the 180, and expose. Assume that you are headed for D. If she's going to turn around at all, she needs a metaphoric slap in the face and a dose of consequences to make that happen. If she does turn around, you can postpone the D and consider R.

If she doesn't, you'll be that much further along with putting her in your rear view mirror and finding someone who can be faithful.

Good luck and keep posting.

[This message edited by badmemory at 3:46 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

Wow, this is really eye opening. I have always been a nice guy, but also, I will admit, a pushover. I have never been very decisive, and do not like to hurt anyone's feelings. But I am realizing that I need to quit that mentality. She did this, and she has to pay the consequences. It seems like the advice here is pretty unanimous, except for some disagreement over getting her fired. I will start by filing for divorce as soon as possible, telling the other woman, and reporting him to his command. If it gets ugly, I can rest easy knowing I did the right thing for all parties involved (i.e. his other woman, the AP and anyone else he might be involved with in the future, and, to be honest, my wife's students). My #1, above all else priority is still my 2 year old daughter. How do I protect her through all of this? The AP also has three kids of his own.

The quickest way to try and end an affair is exposure without warning.

Unless the affair stops you have nothing.

Better wake up

And how ruthless should I be with practical matters, like living arrangements and financial matters? Should I tolerate her staying in the house for 10 more days until the apartment is ready? Should I boot her from my health insurance?

You've got to weight your options, quit doing the pick-me dance and making excuses.

I know this relationship isn't going to work, you know this relationship is not going to work... your WW suspects it but... doesn't want to give it up. She knows she can have both. Her Military man and you as her back up. You've got to let her know that as long as he is in the picture you are moving forward with a divorce.

I know you don't want a divorce but you have too many questions to move forward. Talk to a lawyer about CS if she gets fired, alimony (only married 5 years and she CAN work)...

You hold a lot of cards here. What do you want? If you want the relationship to end - Tell the Wife/GF and his command. He will throw your WW under the bus very quickly. Yes... this may lead to her getting fired but... do you need her income to survive? She will be mad at you but... look what she is doing to you right now. What she is doing to your daughter and family. You letting his wife know is the RIGHT thing to do.

You don't have to let yourself be a back-up plan. You shouldn't let her back into your life right away anyway. She should have to EARN your trust. She should have to do several things that let you know that this will never happen again and that she is remorseful... you don't have to take her back.

I really hate it when people choose a seperation. It's the WW was of saying I'd like to continue to cheat without you watching me. I'll tell you that we aren't in touch and that he is deployed but... you aren't here so I can do/say whatever I like.

How are you paying for the Apart and house? Have you given a time frame to the seperation? Have you worked out a plan for the holidays? How is the 180 going?

You are doing the right thing. You will feel so much better later knowing you didn't fall for any of their bullshit, but stood up for yourself. Whether your wife will be a good candidate for reconciliation is still weeks down the road. Right now all you have to work with is yourself.

The best things you can do for your daughter are to show her a strong parent who cares about himself, and spend as much time with her as possible. If it comes to a divorce, she's at a flexible age so all she really needs is to see both of you as much as possible, and see you be civil to one another. Don't agree to see her less, thinking you will later get a better custody arrangement when things "settle down". Push for as much time as you want and can manage, stay calm and keep taking care of yourself and keep your head above water.

Remember that the person you're dealing with right now is NOT going to behave like the loving, trustworthy wife and co-parent that you are used to. When all they care about is the A, they will lie, cheat and steal to get their way, and it's no indication what she'll be like two weeks or two months from now. Don't trust her. Don't believe her. And don't tell her your plans outside of the marriage and parenting, do not.

Sorry while I was writing it sounds like you did a full turn around in thinking. Great... this will get you out of infidelity quicker than anything.

And how ruthless should I be with practical matters, like living arrangements and financial matters? Should I tolerate her staying in the house for 10 more days until the apartment is ready? Should I boot her from my health insurance?

You don't have to be mean. You can tell her that she can remain in the house for those 10 days but that you would like her to respect you enough to not have contact with OM while living there. If she can't abide by that she should find a friend to stay with. You can let her know that she need to start looking into getting her own insurance as you will be taking her off of yours once the divorce is final... You can talk other business with her as long as you do not get emotional. She needs to be practical, she is going to be supporting herself in an apartment with minimum child support on a teachers salary. Start bringing out other financial items (phone, car insurance, gym... whatever. That she is going to need to transfer to her name. You want her to know this seperation isnt' fun and games with OM. This is a divorce you are headed to. Keep the conversations matter a fact and don't get emotional or fish for her feelings. Do a HARD 180 for those 10 days and focus on you and your daughter.

[This message edited by Freeme at 4:02 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

@ Freeme, you are right--I cannot take anything my wife says at face value. His "deployment" might very well be a bunch of BS. Yes, I definitely want the relationship between her and the AP to end.

What she wants is to pursue things with this other guy while I am on the back burner.

We agreed that we will separate our accounts immediately, her paycheck goes to her own account to pay for the apartment, and I pay for the house (which we own jointly). We agreed to split any costs related to our daughter, like her daycare. She has never had anything to do with our finances, so she is in for a major reality check just on that front. Her teacher salary won't get her very far.

We both want to file the separation sometime this month. We haven't discussed the holidays yet. Do you mean with regards to who will have our daughter? And I really was just introduced to the 180 today, so I will begin implementing tonight. Seems like a challenge to be this ruthless person on one hand while remaining calm, confident, and collected as per the 180... but I will try.

Just saw your post about the health insurance.

I wouldn't bother until the divorce, but it's really your call. After you see what happens with the exposure of the AP, you'll have an idea where she stands. If she is still interested in the separation, you can go over a list with her of things she's going to need to get in order, including getting her own health insurance.

I would let her stay for the 10 days if I were you and just avoid her. Have fun with your daughter, talk to a trusted friend or family member, and have a space in the house that is just yours, like your bedroom. Again, this is more about what makes you comfortable than how it will affect her.

We both want to file the separation sometime this month

She's moving out so she can make more time with her other man. It takes you out of the picture.

File for divorce instead.

Living on hope and a prayer will just get you walked on further

Hard 180 no contact and don't do the "lets be friends" thing. That's all for her to feel better.

Keep everything separate. No shared holidays, etc.

Contact by text kids or business. You don't you'll just keep yourself bound in this

And how ruthless should I be with practical matters, like living arrangements and financial matters? Should I tolerate her staying in the house for 10 more days until the apartment is ready? Should I boot her from my health insurance?

You stay in the house, she can make the decision on her staying there or not. If she does stay, put her out of your bedroom and implement the 180.

Talk to an attorney about the financial arrangements; but there's nothing wrong with opening up your own checking account and transferring half of the money. Change your direct deposit to your new account.

You can't take her off your health insurance until you're divorced or until your company's next open enrollment period.

[This message edited by badmemory at 4:08 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

IMO she is already gone. Checked out.

Consult with a lawyer ASAP. Play the long game to get the best possible settlement for your self.

Get a legal opinion about letting her employer in on the A before the D is final. If the lawyer says to hold off then just wait.

When the D papers are signed you can out her at her job.

Once the other parents find out she is in for a rude awakening.

Soccer moms don't take too kindly to having a cheater around their husbands and kids.

Get ready for pushback. It could come in the form of tears and begging. Or she could go batshit crazy that you spoiled her fun.

CaseyA, please keep in mind that these steps are not done to be ruthless. They are to protect you from further pain and suffering. If you went through the plan exactly how she wants it, you would likely still be in the exact same spot that you are now 6 months or even years from now. I have seen a WW walk away from the marriage and live separately to test drive the OM for almost 3 YEARS and she still wasn't ready to come back to the marriage when her BH pushed for divorce. It's very unlikely that this will work out in your favor.

I think that your plan to out the OM to his BS and command is a good one. See a lawyer and get their advice before outing your WW to her job. You are right that you don't want to shoot yourself in the foot with that one. If you wanted R at all cost, it would be worth the risk but since you understandably don't want to be Plan B, it can wait.

I agree with Marz. Unless a separation period is a requirement prior to a D in your state, do not agree to it. There's absolutely no advantage for you in doing so. But in her mind, that keeps you as a plan B option. She needs that option taken away.

[This message edited by badmemory at 4:22 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

Anyone have any clue how I can report him to his military command? I think he is in the Army, but that is about all I know. And I have his first and last name.

Anyone have any clue how I can report him to his military command? I think he is in the Army, but that is about all I know. And I have his first and last name.

Well I can tell you the first step. Find out everything there is to know about him. If it were me, I'd hire a PI to assist.

Report him to his chain of command. I am in the military as well as my WH.. honestly if it wouldn’t had affected my daughters by him losing his career I would had reposted the OW.. but unfortunately that would in turn report him. I can tell you right now once you report him the A WILL BE OVER.. he will be angry and lost because his career would be gone and he won’t want anything to do with you WW

I could find I oit who he is and who his chain is if I had a name. Just an FYI though, you will have to have hard evidence for the military to actually do something to him. They will “talk” to him with soft evidence but if you have any actual conversations or proof he is done!

Kick her out now.

Make her stay with friends or family.

And, don't tell her of your plans disclose the affair to others