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The Bard, I see you also have a post here on SI about your DD's graduation and the celebrations after, which I have posted my advice my to you, it might just be possible that this is what your FIL wants to talk to you about, stand your ground if he is going to try and talk you out of attending the graduation ceremony, I’m not talking about the party afterwards just the ceremony itself, you have as much right to be there as your EXWW has, in fact you two are the only one’s that have that right, you know where to tell him to go if that's what it's about, otherwise?

Guess we will have to wait and see, I hope it's all good though, myself I don't like conflicts never have, but woe betide anyone who upsets me as I can be very forceful verbally if upset.

Regards BJE49

I'm glad you decided to go—I hope it was a useful conversation for you.

Bard,

What happened?

Bard, although my wife and I did not divorce, her father played an instrumental role in the destruction following my affair. He apologized to me afterward. When I was caught, my wife without thinking it through, went to her father and got him to issue a demand on a loan that WE had negotiated with him. She did not realize that her father would have to advise our bank that he called his note. As a consequence, the bank called their note. AND the overall consequence was that within days, I saw a trustee in bankruptcy and declared. I had to turn over several professional certificates as one cannot go bankrupt in several professions. Long story short, she kept pushing buttons, I wanted reconciliation and aside from wrecking me both professionally and financially, she decided that she should also have a revenge affair. That did not end well for her, and as a consequence of that action, her parents were informed of her FINAL act. I gave her consequences that were earth shattering. When I called her folks to tell them what she had done to me, her dad remarked that his daughter did not know when to stop. He was certain that what she did would cause me to sue him, he did not know that my reaction would be to destroy his daughter. I went so nuclear, she was isolated and alone for months. It did not need to happen. Her dad and I agreed that I did something stupid, but she went a step too far in her revenge. Funny enough, I had a conscience, and could not see her ruined. I subsidized her, a guy that she bankrupted, until she found a new job. We reconciled and have been together for four decades. (Her father ended up having to turn most of his net worth over to me, as I sued him for calling a note that was in perfectly good standing; in doing so, he caused me to have to declare bankruptcy, and consequently I had to turn in several professional certificates, thereby impairing my future earnings for life. He spat on my wife for making him do this.)

[This message edited by Crazymixedupkid at 11:31 AM, January 25th (Thursday)]

Update:

It actually went better than I thought. The first hour of the conversation was pretty vanilla, how is your family, I bought a new car, stuff like that. The XWW only came up briefly and I thought ‘here we go.’ Apparently she was not happy that her parents were talking with my parents at a school function. My XFIL was not amused with her observation and frankly didn’t care.

We did eventually talk in more detail of the A of which he had very little info. I filled him on some facts, but spared him the most of deep down details. I slipped a few in anyway.

He’s a bit of an odd duck and said ‘I guess we dropped her on her head more than our other children.’ I’ll take that as an indication he recognizes she has issues.

We are going to try and meet once a month. Who knew this would bring me and my XFIL closer together. Weird.

Good deal. You'll find the truth fixes a lot of things.

Your X is a control freak. Stay as far away from that as possible.

No one, even your XFIL can fix her.

She only wants the world to see everything based on her point of view.

Go your own way

Bard, I just want to throw a word of caution in if you haven't thought of it. Do not tell your XFIL anything you do not want getting back to XWW. I'm not saying he'll go and give her the run down after every conversation but I'm sure he will tell her some. I know my MIL would thinking she was helping the situation.

Bard, I agree with Gablestitch, because your FIL is seemingly showing you so much friendship, don’t be to trusting, he may also be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, guard your words in what you talk about, don’t forget that old saying “Blood is thicker than water” and one other thing you say you held part of the deep down details back from him, that was a mistake, never ever cover for her past actions, she made her new bed, so now she has to live with that, if I were you next time you talk to your FIL I would tell him all, you can always say you had a rethink about your last chat and the things you withheld from him regarding your EXWW, but now realise if you can’t be truthful with him when he reached out to you, then who can you be truthful with, see what his reaction is, and what he does from then on, it might help you see if he is being genuine or not.

Regards BJE49

I'm also glad this went well, but I would also urge caution that this thaw in relationship benefit you.

I had a very positive relationship with my elderly MIL until she passed away, but at times she would very subtly let me know his unhappiness or how he was sorry or what was going on in his life, etc. At those times, I really had to protect myself through time and distance. In my case, I sent cards or letters so that I could control the flow of communication. I think she eventually got the message.

The bottom line is good relationships can only benefit you, and your DD, but make sure that YOU are protected as well.