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have worked remotely on projects together but have met in person on a couple of occasions.

This is where it is important to know the context of the messages. If they had a chance to meet they've had a chance for it becoming a PA. Personally (knowing what I know now) I would put a VAR in her vehicle (or wherever she goes for private conversations) before I confronted. If it is physical the first thing she will do once it is in the open is to make contact with the OM to get their stories straight.

Right now you have the advantage... once you confront all bets are off. You'll regret not having all the facts before you confront, especially if you have children together.

Do you think they have been communicating in any other form? Check for secret email accounts or secret folders that can hide pictures. And I second the VAR. Especially after you confront. I would think the very next thing she would do would be to contact him. One in her car, one in the bedroom, wherever she goes for "privacy". Do they work for the same company? If so, contact HR and mention sexual harassment. That should end their business connections. Now, the AP. Is he single? If not his partner deserves to know. Good luck.

i have looked at email and other apps. nothing there. don't work for the same company. different companies on the same project. it's possible that they have had a PA, but without getting into all of the detail, it would be challenging. but certainly not impossible.

i know how to contact his wife (sorry...still learning all of the TLAs (Two Letter Acronyms). i'm not too concerned about that yet but i know how to reach her.

still wrapping my head around the idea that tonight might be the worst night of my life.

If you want the affair dead just make sure you contact the other wife ASAP.

What is unfortunately very common is they use that you know to take the affair underground and at the same time her boyfriend will have a chance to tell his wife about this ‘crazy paranoid husband’. On the other hand if you contact the other wife you’ll cut off every avenue of the affair. Period. There will not be this dangling variable out there that is plotting consistently against you. You’ll have neutralized it. It’s the most important thing you can do by a rather significant margin.

We are rooting for you tonight. Know that you have 50,000 anonymous internet friends who have your back on this.

Tj,

Sharkman, you need to write a book--an instructional manual, if you will.

Your advice has consistently been an ace in the hole for so many seeking frontline advice.

I am so grateful for having found this site in the middle of last night. Thank you all for the support and spot on advice. It was exactly what I was searching for without knowing that it existed.

This seems pretty simple to me. You feel bad about looking at her text messages because you feel like you should have trusted her. She has betrayed that trust and has no right to complain that you came not to trust her. For a cheater to complain about you looking at her text messages is absurd.

There is no reason at all you should feel bad about looking at her text messages.

[This message edited by LostInTheDesert at 4:03 PM, January 6th (Saturday)]

Who cares if he broke into a morgue to steal the text messages IMHO.

1. He will never reveal his source

2. Ethically it’s a drop in the ocean compared to what she is doing

There is a thing called relative morality. Just as it’s okay to jaywalk to avoid a murder it’s okay to look at a spouse’s phone if you suspect that you are being pulled into a cycle of abuse

I agree with taking a little time to gather more information. It shows your a decent person that your concerned about invading her privacy, but the scale of her betrayal trumps anything that you could possibly do seeking information on her actions in this affair.

I thought I was being a good spouse by giving my WS his privacy. So foolish..

2 years later, I'm with coolest, greatest man ever! I'm so very, very happy with him.

And you know what? He gives me his phone. He looks stuff up or messages people while I watch what he types or talk about who is in his phone. And I let him look at mine and ask questions. There is something so intimate and so trusting in this. This is the type of relationship you should have. You can have privacy...but there shouldn't be secrets.

You are so very lucky to have discovered this site before you confront because I tell you the things people have advised is for sure good info. I would have done my confrontation very differently. Yes, of course they want to know, because they are acting like foolish teenagers and want to practice their skills at deceiving you even more. Yes, they want their privacy, because they are acting like foolish teenagers thinking that privacy is their birth right... nope... not when trust is broken... and it has to be earned back. Yes, they want their cake and eat it too because that would mean having the best of both worlds just like any teenager who would be given the answer key to the test with guarantee of not being busted... yep sounds good to me. Yes, they are blinded by infatuation, just how teenagers have that love struck feeling that doesn't have the history and deeper connection but just the drug like hormones pumping into their brain. And just like a teenager, there is no talking sense into them, they must have natural and immediate consequences or you just wait til they mature their way through the midlife crisis fog or affair fog that I really see as one in the same and we know that can take awhile.

Never reveal your source. You may need to go back to that source later to see if it has truly stopped.

I would be tempted to stay quiet and get a little more info. Maybe catch her with the OM. If the OM is marred the spouse has a right to know.

Im sorry you are going through this hell.

Dmr we're here for support if you need us. Just thinking about you and how your conversation went with your wife last night. Stay strong.

Hi DMR.

Have you confronted yet? How did it go?

First of all, a big thank you to everyone who has posted words of support and advice. And apologies for taking time to update, but here it is:

I informed the AP's wife in advance of my confrontation but actually haven't heard anything back.

Obviously this is a very long story and I'll do my best to make it brief. My wife did not start this text banter with the other guy. She played along, obviously, and sent some inappropriate pictures while at work and engaged in some banter as well a few times over the past few months. There were a couple of times when they met in person in public places (we live 500 miles from him) but nothing physical happened. This stupid, juvenile, high-school behaviour seems to be limited to text only in a "separate" world. I believe her. I know that there are many, many people who will think that I am being fleeced. I have had those thoughts too, of course. I thought back over the past many months about our relationship and what signs I may have missed and there aren't any. We agree that our relationship has been as good as ever (7 years).

We have had multiple difficult conversations over the past few days and she is truly remorseful and sorry. I have pulled no punches in telling her how I feel and she is giving me all of the time and space I need to talk it out, to process it, etc.

I am 99% sure that there is no more to be uncovered and that we will get past this.

Not sure what else I can say at this point, except two things:

1) This community and the people on this thread are amazing and I hope that I can offer up advice to others to pay it forward.

2) My wife is my best friend and a wonderful mother. We have both come from previous unsuccessful marriages and she came from a very difficult childhood. I knew all of this when we got together and had committed to being better people, together. As difficult as these past few days have been for us, I am committed to helping her become a better person and she to me. She made a big mistake and hurt me a lot. But life, people and relationships aren't perfect. I will get past this and we will have a stronger relationship for it. As her best friend I will help her become better for it. And when I need her help, she will help me. I know this to be true.

Great update dmr,

Did your WW come clean when you confronted her?

Are you able to independently verify that she has been truthful?

Did she feel comfortable showing you her phone ?

How are YOU feeling about this?

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and your WW.

We are here if you need us dmr.

MOB

I can't independently verify. I guess i could ask the AP at some point but I'm not feeling compelled to do that. I believe her. I think it was this weird, unhealthy thing that she was doing from afar with someone who was giving her attention.

She has always been comfortable giving me her phone and password. It never felt like she had anything to hide. She gave me her phone after I knew and before I confronted. So i searched it very thoroughly. And backed it up, recovering some deleted files. No other incriminating evidence.

She has no problem with the fact that I went through her phone. She says that she deserved to be caught and is remorseful.

We are talking about it openly, respectfully and honestly. I am not attacking her and she is not defensive. We have cried together and laughed together about it.

I still have little "punches to the stomach" feelings today, but it's better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today.

We are talking about it openly, respectfully and honestly. I am not attacking her and she is not defensive. We have cried together and laughed together about it.

Blimey dmr........ it sounds as though you have the model Wayward.

Keep talking

Don't rug-sweep

Don't even countenance the "pick me" dance.

and don't forget - she betrayed you.

Take care.

Be a little wary.

Look after you.

MOB

Sounds like you’re not willing to investigate further (maybe you are afraid of what you would find) but if it were me I’d put a VAR in her car to see if she talks to him at all or talks to a friend about what really happened.

Good luck.