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The meeting has to happen. She's been blackmailing him for 4 months and he is spilling the beans now in full BECAUSE of the meeting. He is in begging mode. He tells me all (and I do believe it is all now because he knows we're meeting her) he feels relieved that it is finally out.

I want him to tell her to her face what he told me. Everything. I said if he has the balls to tell me he's scared of her because she is going mental shouting at him, that she is pressuring him into leaving me even though he told her he's working on his marriage and she doesn't want to accept it, he has to have the balls to sit there with her in front of me, I will hear all the painful details but he says I now know everything (he's selling his pride and joy his car next week) but he will have to state loud and clear to her what's happening.

Then at the end of it I will inform her HR will be contacted and they may both lose their jobs.

I told him I don't know if I can reconcile but at the moment I am focusing on personal damage control, eat, drink, cope and when enough is enough I'll let him know.

He's offering me everything I want, it's like I won the lottery (again). I don't believe it much though...

Trustsetmefree is actually bang on! Great insight to the situation.

Annb also raises a very significant question - why is he talking to her alone on the phone today - why aren't you in the office with him.

Better yet, why did he call at all?? It's over. The only probable reason why he called was so that they could get their stories straight ... ouch.

He's a mess because he's losing control.

Based on his past actions it's doubtful he's ever going to HR - but nothing says you can't

I know there's actually nothing to laugh about here - your uncovering today literally broke my heart. It's the biggest fear for those of us who are considereing R ... kicks us in the gut!

You're amazing!! And you apparently still have one hell of a healthy gut (it certainly came through for you)!

He talked to her on the phone before confessing. She said if he doesn't show her attention this weekend she's calling me to tell me everything. We went to his office but I waited in the car so he called her but couldn't stay on the phone long enough, she got pissed off so I got another anonymous call within 5 min. He then realised he had to confess and he did.

So let her call...perfect

After him confessing I called her and said "I understand you have something to tell me WH told me everything, I think it's time we meet up" and she agreed.

Luna, again I ask you not to meet her.

It is not going to go well.

Your WH does not have to give her any explanation.

Listen to the veterans here who have seen it all.

You are going to feel 10x worse.

If she is blackmailing him, it is a segway into HR or the police.

Once again, he owes her nothing, owes you everything.

All he has to do is pick up the phone, while you listen in, and tell her it's over. Period. No lashing out he said she said. It will go no where. He can also inform her that if she continues to harass him, he will press charges. Simple and to the point.

Understand OW lie as well, she could feed you some bullsh*t and you would have no way of knowing if it's the truth or not.

How can you be so sure she won't be taping the meeting and use it against him?

Let sleeping dogs lie, this has to be put to bed. Today.

Your safety might also be at risk. Please do not meet her, you have no idea what she is capable of.

[This message edited by annb at 2:19 PM, January 27th (Saturday)]

Luna...gently, your thinking is foggy. Your WH is drawing you into his world...where he controls the flow of information and subsequently has all the power in the relationship.

What is the OW threatening him with?

Telling you? Getting him fired from the job he's already offered to quit as part of reconciliation?

You say he's told you everything...that you feel you know the truth?

Then why meet with the OW? Just to tell her to back off? What...are you his bodyguard? Is your presence going to somehow carry more weight than his words (and consistent action)?

Look...he's describing a woman that he now hates and considers crazy and that has basically been forcing - "blackmailing" - him to engage in relationship because he is afraid of her. Short of you telling me exactly the bullet she has in her gun - cause it apparently isn't disclosure to you or losing his job - then I would gently suggest that you are being manipulated by a man that has already very recently demonstrated that he is both willing and quite capable of manipulating you. Outside of that and if he is genuinely afraid of this woman's stability and intention, this is not a matter for his wife to handle in a meeting in the neighborhood coffee shop. This is a matter for the police.

You're getting drawn into his dance of deception. Instead of triangulating the other woman against you, he's now attempting to triangulate you against the other woman. It's a mind fuck. I get that. When we're in this place it actually starts to feel good that they are picking us. We're no longer the outsider...not allowed to sit at the cool kids' table. We now get to be his girl...and get the satisfaction of showing the OW what a big fat loser she is...we get to keep our husband!

It's still a mind fuck. And it puts him squarely back in the driver's seat...this guy that has already driven your life off the cliff twice now....and who has also demonstrated that the ONLY thing that motivates him to be honest is when he feels like he has absolutely no control left.

Gently...you're shooting yourself in the foot here. You need to change your site line.

I agree with truthsetmefree

Also, if she's as "Crazy" as your WH has said. It may not be safe to meet her at all for your personal safety. I would definitely make him call her with you there and put her on speaker and initiate NC and then he needs to go to HR or quit his job. He needs to change his number and have no interactions with her.

I actually agree with Luna on this one except that I would bring along a VAR and maybe another cool-headed third party "witness" to keep things relatively "clean". There is a real point to taking charge and putting the B***H boots on and showing people you aren't just playing Little Miss Doormat or Tiddlywinks, but that you are someone who is gutsy and self-respecting enough to stand up against this bullshitstorm and the authors of it.

On the other hand, I think there has to be some kind of protection in place like a VAR, a fourth person, and a plan on Luna's part as to how how to stay in the drivers's seat and keep her hands on the wheel when the flash flood hits.

I also agree that this should be ENTIRELY on Luna's terms and that she should have her own way with EVERYTHING in this equation. Have an HR person or lawyer listening to the babymonitor/wire she's got (or recording) and brace herself for whatever ugliness that the bottom-feeding OW is almost certain to unleash.

If Luna's skin and heart are strong enough to handle such a likely onslaught from that ugly-sounding homewrecker, then it may help her ignorant husband to see manner of horrific, monstrous creature he's been sleeping with and selling himself and his family out to...and what a rare gem he's got for a wife who'd fight so hard for what really matters in this life. Maybe she can show him what it means to really stand for something instead of just "falling for any-and-everything" that has a skirt and a makeup case with some doggie treats and candy to throw out to any would-be admirers that she finds in the streets or company cube farms.

Beauty may be only skin deep in some cases, but character and ugliness...that can be harder to see when you're rose colored unicorn glasses are on. And obviously this guy seems to trust his OWN judgement better than his wife's at this point.

Besides, Luna's more likely to like what she sees in the mirror when she knows that she didn't let her marriage or her dignity go down without a real fight, even if that fight DOES carry certain risks in it regarding what kind of "fighting and punches and stunts" the OW decides to use against her.

Just stack the deck and carry a bigger "gun" when you go, if you want my opinion on the thing. Maybe it'll even teach the inner bully of the homewrecking cum-dumpster where she needs to empty her trash and park her junk next time...in the dumpsters-only zone far away from the employee married men's parking lot.

Thank you all for your opinion. The meeting will happen as I want to watch him telling her what he told me. In fact the things he confessed to tonight mean that I won't recover from it with him by my side. He's apparently willing to do anything I ask for including safety bank account, going to a lawyer and both properties we have over to me in the event that there is still contact going forward, selling his car which was his pride and joy and in which he had sex (while the affair was going last summer, there was no sex apparently during the last 4 months while fake R), going to HR and coming clean about it.

I have a VAR which will record the meeting.

I suggested a call from him (with me listening in) but he wants the meeting as he said there's nothing else she has on him.

The things he confessed and which she had on him (and he didn't confess to on DDay 1):

Sex without a condom (STD tests will be scheduled in next week)

Sex in the car

Keeping in contact obviously

All the sexting and naked pictures

More sex than previously confessed to

Taking a day off work and spending it with her

Going out for lunch to a park where we used to go

He didn't want any of this to be known as he was trying to minimise the A and told her so. Then apparently the blackmailing began with her pressing him to leave me even though he was saying to her he needs to give his marriage a fair chance. So she wanted more attention, she was pissed off she was blocked and he couldn't be contacted while at home with me, she kept mocking him on his efforts (not that there were many) and telling him kids get over divorce and he's in a toxic marriage. I know him as an open book hence when he kept having breakdowns culminating with the last one on Thursday when he said he wants to die I knew something was wrong, seriously wrong as it is out of character. This gave away his affair back in September when I found out also, he suddenly started crying saying he's not happy.

Luna you have a pm

So the meeting will not happen it is going to be a telephone conversation tonight. Probably better. We had some text conversations where she tried to pretend she was just a friend as he needed someone to talk to who knows the situation at these difficult times, nothing happened anymore etc. I said to her that I know about the blackmailing and that my H is going to HR tomorrow and recovering IM messages to prove blackmail. She then started asking not to do that as she is a single mother...

Luna, I am so glad you are not meeting her face to face. You were giving her too much power, she was probably gloating, I think sitting across from the woman who had an A with your husband and talking would have been emotionally devastating. The ball would have been in her court as she could have told you anything, remember cheaters lie.

Now, as it turns out, the ball is in your court. She must be squirming knowing her little game is over, she's been caught, and truly right now her future is in your hands. The blackmailing will more than likely cause her to lose her job, however, understand your WH is also responsible for 50% of this mess despite her threats.

Just be very careful what you and your WH say. She just might be recording your conversations, be vigilant.

The conversation will be between my H and her and I will listen in. I will also record it. Yes will be careful. I told her we logged a call with the police and she promised she'll never be in touch with him ever again.

As to my WH I told him I feel nothing for him anymore. And that is true. I have nothing left to give, I look at him and don't know who I married. He admitted that initially after DDay 1 he was in touch because he wanted to be friends with her and still had feelings for her. Shortly after (about two weeks from DDay 1) she started the blackmailing, and hysterics first he thought it was a one off and then they became frequent. Of course she had an insight into our lives and apparently the moment he said to her things are getting better in the last three weeks it tipped her over the edge really seriously culminating with Thursday when she literally told him he's not going anywhere till this is sorted out (so he had to cancel his IC and was late picking up our daughter from my in laws).

Somebody asked if he lied to his IC. No he didn't. Apparently he told her they are in touch being "just friends" (I can't believe he was reading Not Just Friends at the same time, stupid idiot) and she didn't raise an eyebrow. So he's going to change her.

We're now off to car dealers to change his car.

My dd is due to start secondary school in September. I'll stay in this joke of a marriage till she's integrated as she is very shy and she will probably be picked on rather than make friends so I don't want to put more emotional weight on her.

He swears he'll do anything till then to change my perception of him. I don't have any hope to be fair and I am very weary of anything he says.

Meanwhile I want my safety account and I'll go to a lawyer to get a view of my future situation.

So the call happened there was a lot of you said, no you said until I stopped them a few times and bottom line I do know the truth is in the middle, I don't fully believe him the same way as I don't fully believe her.

She did admit regarding the Thursday event, basically saying she couldn't take it any longer.

She begged not to go to HR and allowing her to keep her job as she is a single mother. She sounded genuinely upset. Promised that she never ever wants to talk to him or see him ever again, he will be off all work related emails. She did sound like she was shitting herself.

The biggest thing I got from it is a heartfelt apology from her, she sounded really honest and said to me she never intended for this to happen. Of course not!

WH then talked to his manager to ask for support.

I honestly don't feel anything anymore and I don't care so I will not go to HR as they will both lose their jobs.

Bottom line is that I don't actually know why I am still here. For my dd really but I don't feel anything for my WH and I am disgusted by him. I think I actually married the most dishonest and broken person I've ever had a relationship with. I said I'll stay till she starts school but I have nothing left for him. I am genuinely so broken that I don't care where he is, if they will still keep in touch or not, if they want to continue their affair or not, nothing.

Meanwhile my H is promising me the world and said he'll try to change my perception of him by then if I allow him. I said he can try that's all I can offer him.

Is this situation salvageable at all? Does anybody manage to actually change their perception or do they learn to accept they married a POS and either divorce or stay in the marriage for the other benefits? I can't see myself ever loving him again. Ever looking at him and feel my heart fill with love and admiration. What's to love and admire? A man who saw me in a suicidal state and decided to get back in touch with his AP? While I was running after him last Thursday ensuring he won't end his life...

Oh Luna. This sucks. Dday2 is so much worse than Dday1. And yours is a doozy. I am glad you had that conversation. I'm sure it was painful. But for 5 months I umed and ahed about whether to contact AP. Everyone told me not to. Once I finally did and also called her BF, I finally got the power back. You just got your power back. You have all the power now. Just take a moment to soak that in because up until now, they bled all your power from you in such a cruel way.

I don't know what to tell you to do next except stay for your daughter. Seriously. People throw the phrase "staying for the kids" around like we BS's are some sort of weak, self-hating losers for doing so. They have no idea of the strength and enormity of the power of doing so. They don't understand the layer upon layer of complication not staying for the kids will entail. So stay. And look inward. Let your WH try to make it up to you. You are under no obligation to eventually stay even if he does succeed in making it up to you. Just be the one with the power, for now.

You and I are the adults. Cowardly WH's, beyond desperate AP's, they are children but they are not our children. And our children need us right now.

One step in front of the other. Never miss an opportunity to show him how bloody strong you are. Here if you need me. X

Is this situation salvageable at all?

It is. But he will have to show you change, show you that he learned from his horrible choices.

For those WS who do change -- that's a big part of this area of the forum -- as are the WS who stay selfish and do not make the most of their last opportunity.

That decision isn't even on your radar now. It shouldn't be.

First things first is taking care of you. That's the focus.

If he is going find a way to show you (not tell you, words have clearly lost their meaning at this point) he can ever be worthy, he will have to do all of that on his own.