SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When I found out about my husbands cheating, I had always said it was a dealbreaker. My husband did happy endings, had two I recently realized EA s.

We had many discussions before marriage about it being the biggest trust leap of all. We were both all in. His brokenness is the why of his behavior.

Whatever, you think these were choices he made and nothing about you. It could be social influence he felt he deserved more then one partner etc. He needs to be in individual counseling to figure that out. He also needs an accountability partner that truly helped my husband.

On your end the biggest mistake I made was based on money. My husband needed ic, my DD needed ic and there was no money for another 60 dollar a week ic, between all our other medical expenses. So I relied on my former therapy to get me through. Huge mistake I needed help to grieve and to deal with my anger.

The smartest things I did were find out my legal rights, get a post nip and to have him take a polygraph.

I quickly realized that he would never remember all the details, I just needed a timeline.

I read a post on here that literally kept our marriage to gather. It was in reconciliation, a woman’s wrote about her WH affair that she refused to allow his affair to taint her memories of their good times. She specifically talked about going on a vacation with there immediate family and what a great memory it was. She said, that was reality for her. For him he was sneaking around calling etc. She was happy and it was what she experienced and his bad choices were not taking that from her.

For me it made sense. My husbands stupidity and betrayal took place over several years. Our wonderful times are still those in mine and my child’s mind.

We are six years out. We will never have that Disney love again. We are reconciled. My cousin asked me yesterday how are you and hubs. I said really good. We are stronger and we are solid despite our life challenges right now.

Does it work that way for everyone no. In my heart I do believe if you have a remorseful spouse you can give the gift of recovery. It is a gift that is earned.

Please remember this is about his lead choices or entitlement or whatever, not about you.

Thank you for the messages of hope, as well as the warnings of a serial cheater always being a serial cheater.

PricklePatch, I appreciate your sharing of the post which helped to keep your marriage together. I desperately want to keep the happy memories I have, as happy memories and am trying to thought stop the intrusive, negative thoughts of what he was doing during so much of our marriage. It is a work in progress and hard to change the internal dialogue.

I wanted to take down all the photos in the house of us, our wedding photos etc., as I thought they were all just lies, smiling faces looking back at me when he is with someone else later that day. They repulsed me, everything did. My past suddenly became all losses and the joys I had became cheapened and phony. I am a very happy, optimistic person by nature, not skeptical or suspicious (likely why he got away with four A). I don't want to change who I am and be worried all the time, untrusting. It is not who I am and seems to demand far more energy than I care to give.

I decided his actions weren't going to destroy my reminiscing on my children's childhood's as being happy events...but it is easier said than done and some days are very hard.

I do believe his actions were very much about entitlement, opportunity, his upbringing, compartmentalizing and immaturity. That said, there are no excuses for his actions. How he could step across the line, I will never know and I think will be a source of angst for me for a long time. I hope to come to peace with that at some point, as I think I need it to move forward. I read a post on another site, which I have held onto, thought I am certainly not there yet. It reads:

Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past.

I certainly can't change the past, as desperately as I would like to and logically I get all that...but emotionally, it's not that easy. Sometimes I wish I could also compartmentalize, but it is not who I am.

Thank you all again for your insights and comments. I wish we were all on a different site and not traveling these painful journeys together.

Forgiveness is a work in progress,but is power and strength to both giver and receiver. It is a choice of love.I will be praying for you as you continue your journey of hope and healing.

Hope and healing,

This is a work in progress, to come to peace about your memories. For me I did know on our wedding this never occurred to him. I have that much at least. I don’t image your husband started this way either.

I do believe not excusing his behavior when kids come in the picture some men are just not mature enough to not be the center of attention. I also believe society has created this odd tapestry of what marriage should be. It isn’t realistic with constant highs and romance. It is a journey through a land of hills and valleys. Truthfully my husband got a thrill out of getting one over on me. It was a hard pill to swallow. The only reason I was able to get over it and trust me it took him two years of individual counseling to even get me in marriage counseling was the abuse from his mother. He transferred her controlling narcissistic paranoia on to me. My mother in law was mentally ill and she kept him isolated. I did nothing of the sort.

Please understand rushing to recover isn’t going to happen over night. It is a gradual process. His actions will show you who he is. I didn’t monitor all his email or his computer.

Part of our terms of reconciliation were no more social media, no Facebook nothing. I also got an apple phone. So if I wanted I could FaceTime him at any point in the day or night. My husband had to go to Europe very close to d day. He slept with Skype on so I could see him.

Hope,

That’s a rough one. That’s a long time of cheating with multiples.

He sounds like always believed he deserved to have a side piece. Sex, kibbles, whatever he took.

Saying it was simply about the sex is like saying I buy size 2 clothes and rub them on me. It’s not real, but it makes me feel good. Oh, he had reasons beyond sex.

The only about sex thing is concerning in that, has your sex life now changed to assure that he will never cheat again? It’s absurd to think that the natural wax and wanes of a married sex life will never occur again. Especially as we age. What happens next time? Time after that?

You can reconcile. He can become the husband you deserve. But, it’s a hard road.

I remember looking at pictures of my DD and I doing something together. My fwh was home his choice. He wanted to put her new flooring in without my DD getting into her things packed away etc. His choice totally. I remember calling him DD and I were with my family on the opposite coast. He came home early to do this remodeling this say. I remember thanking him for not minding that we were having this awesome time with my family and friends and crying as he wasn’t there.

I know specifically this is a time he specifically acted out sexually. I also know he contacted his EA. She did not return his feeling. She is however an attention whore.

It was a struggle to look back and see the pictures of my innocent little girl who was overjoyed to have extra time with her cousins and see the happiness on both our faces. I was so angry. I used a nerf bat and a tennis racket and beat the hell out of our bed.

I was happy he was an ass. I had to just keep repeating to myself. I was truly happy in that time and to bad so sad if he wasn’t. He didn’t get to win by stealing our good memories.

Two,years ago my Dad had a medical emergency I flew with my child to go to him. While there. I freaked out my husband was going to act out again. This was at 5 years out. He had given me no reason to doubt him. I called him crying, and told him I was afraid of him cheating. His words were, what do you need from me for you to know that isn’t going to happen. I said gps on your car on, and on your phone. FaceTime anytime I need it. He said it will be done in the next few minutes. It was. I realized with the help of SI it was being in a stressful situation and the same place me there him here that caused it. I was at peace. I feel for you.

I truly think a polygraph will help you. Know if was just sex and excitement versus love.

My H started coming along to yoga with me just after d day. Previous to this he was at the gym nearly every night. He gave up the gym because he said he wanted to be with me. He had ALWAYS made fun of my yoga. At first I was a bit annoyed as yoga was for me, it was my thing, he did not appreciate it so what was he doing there?

I think this was the start of a turning point for him and for our relationship.

For us it was all about us doing something together. It was about him giving up his love for the gym( and no doubt his flirting while there) much later came his love of the spiritual side of yoga.....as in....peace...kindness...awareness of others. This was something he was seriously lacking because it was all about him, his needs, what makes him happy and at the detriment of others. He even came on retreats with me and grew to love them. He made so many changes to his worldview in these first two years. I saw the change in a very subtle way. Six years ago he came to a yoga class with me...it was the Bikram hot room style. His attitude then was telling me how stupid it is to be in such a hot room and he can’t do any of the poses because his muscles were in the way and all the men who do yoga are gay. His attitude is now to embrace the heat, work through those tight unyielding muscles and gay is good. This is just one of many examples. I could write a book.

I think what I am trying to say here is that my H was such an ass hole In his private worldview of his self entitlement that he had to start somewhere to try and change his perceived views and he did and it took time but he wanted to become a better person.

I read of so many people on this site who have partners who are unwilling to really truly and deeply change...they continue their life of betrayal because they are happy to live that way and maybe they do not believe they need to change.

I have a betrayed friend who is now 8 yrs past her d day. During this time she has been working hard to reconcile with her H. She kept feeling bad about herself because she felt she was not recovering enough to make their marriage work. He was upset she was taking her time to ‘get over it’. Looking back now it is obvious that he thought he did not have to do anything. He thought that his affair was just a blip on his moral life as a faithful husband. It is what we all believed. He did nothing but remain faithful ....until he didn’t. In the last year he started to contact women and start friendships online and then one day he found a woman who was willing to take the relationship to a serious level and so he informed his betrayed partner and still blamed her that she was taking too long and he was forced to look elsewhere. The betrayer no matter the circumstances needs to do the work to change....unless of course they are a full blown narcissist and then I do believe there is never any change going to happen.

Oh.....getting back to what I was going to say ....just a thought on memories. In the past four years with all the talks, tears and fears we have somehow forged some terrific times we have shared and these are now becoming such good memories that they seem to help negate the past instances . The times when we were on holiday with the girls having a ball and poor H was on the phone for work reasons! Work? Nope...calling one of his many OW. They hated him having family holidays so he would have to placate them.these are awful memories that will be with me forever but I need to work through them and remind myself of the hard work we have both done to be in such a better place today.

Your h has shown you for the past five years that he can live without his needs being met elsewhere. He stopped his affair when he realised he might get caught. Seems he is smarter than most betrayers. I hope that maybe he has done some work to find out why he did what he did. Your situation is different to most who are caught so at least he had the intelligence to stop.

All the best.

Green,

I do believe he has felt entitled...pretty much his whole life. He was the golden child, could do no wrong, chose a profession which stroked his ego, blah blah blah. There are no excuses for his choices. He was certainly not the best partner for me, his job hours necessitated that I was a single parent much of the time...but I signed up for it, understanding that's life, peaks and valleys and all. I would never engage in behaviour with such hurtful outcomes. My trusting nature says he won't do it again...but my logic says past behaviour predicts future behaviour and if that is the measure, it does not bode well for me not having another DD, which I simply could not do again.

Prickle,

I have read that women have a harder time with the EA. That is the case for me. If I were to discover he loved them, I could not stay. That is too much for me to bear and the thought of it completely destroys me. Though I struggle with my memories now being jaded, if his multiple affairs, spanning the majority of our marriage were love based, I would need some serious IC to bring me back to where I wouldn't feel like my life was a total sham. That thought is completely overwhelming to me.

I have asked him to take a polygraph and he has said he would, though he was initially disappointed that I didn't trust him...WTF? You have lied and betrayed me and 7 mos after DD you think I should trust you? Based on what? Yes, he is stepping up and being the partner I have been asking for our entire marriage, but trust? Not yet, likely never fully. Full trust got me into this awful place. He knows my nature is to trust and look for the good in people.

That said, I am terrified if I find out he did love them, that it was more than just sex (which clearly is the resounding belief based on what I am reading). It is breaking me to live with the 4 LTA, knowing his hook ups happened a few times a week (= over 500 sexual encounters with other woman during our marriage), I don't think I can overcome any EA on top of it, but I don't want to lose my family. This all just sucks so badly.

He told our MC that he has always wanted to be with me, that I am a far better person than he will ever be or hope to be and he couldn't have asked for a better partner or mother, but that he was selfish and wanted more sex. I wish I could have been enough.

Thank you all for the support. This really is a place of insight and healing and I appreciate people taking the time to share their thoughts.

Zen Kitty,

I feel like I am living a parallel life with you! My H would say all the same things as yours. He is trying, I can see it. I am still scared of the what ifs, but I have to hang onto the five years of no infidelity...assuming that is truthful, when he risked losing me.

He is doing so much more around the house, planning outings for us, kind gestures, taking initiative, such a change in behaviour for him. I have told him this is what is needed to heal. I have to feel connection to him, thought sometimes it takes work on my part.

I think we lost us in the business that was life with kids, shift work etc. We didn't nurture us and it is a life lesson I will be sharing with my children, nurture your relationship, open communication, be vulnerable, don't be afraid and don't think you know.

I am so grateful for your postings. You have given me enormous hope. I am super active and he bought cross country skis to join me, totally not his thing...he is trying. Next on the itinerary? Hot yoga!

listen to skins21.

Move on and leave this guy behind. He is not worthy of you

Hope,

The being afraid of the polygraph. Here is the thing, if he lied and he loved them it’s better to cut the limb and recover in a different way.

EA is hard, but so is paid sex. In my mind the EA is an infatuation much like junior high. It lives in a non real atmosphere.

Interesting he is saying he wanted more sex. Is it that he wanted more sex or because you were to gather young he felt he missed out. Btw in our case my fwh has a low livado. I have a very high one, but gucess what I didn’t cheat he did.

Start thinking about what you want in the future. Some people would flat out say four long term affairs I am out. There is no shame in that. I think if I hadn’t have known my mil was nuts and figured him out quickly I would have divorced.

As it turns out we didn’t that isn’t for everybody.

Journal what you think you need to divorce or to reconcile. See what looks better to you.

Hugs

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 11:28 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)]

Don’t listen to anyone who tells you to listen to them or anyone else.

All anyone here can offer is advice based on their own personal experiences.

Based on my mine, your road ahead is tough. Maybe impossible. Maybe not. Yeah, it is actually always a crapshoot to move forward with a known cheater.

That said, take in what posters offer here. It’s genuine, and given with a truly baring soul of the most painful experiences one can have.

But, we’re not you or him. You have to weigh it all. Focus. Dig deep. Think and plan. Draw your map moving out of infidelity. Whether it’s reconciliation or otherwise. Everyone here will help you in each step of your new, unimaginable future.

But know, you will be ok. One day. One step. You will.

[This message edited by Greeneyesbluezy at 8:32 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)]

My advice would be to work on healing and strengthening yourself so that—no matter what you decide and no matter how he behaves—you are prepared to leave if it becomes necessary. Do you need a better job, higher education, more savings, less debt, a healthier lifestyle, another skill, IC, a sale-ready home? Then line up those ducks!

By focusing on those things—what I could control—I was able to stop worrying about what I couldn’t control (him). It also empowered me in general and gave me HOPE. There was precious little of that at first.

By the time I was in a good place, he was finally showing, by his actions, that staying with him was a safe(r) choice. Our children have had 5 more years in a stable family with parents who are affectionate toward each other; I’ve got a happier job in a more interesting field with a bigger salary; I have a sizable savings account that, since it’s inheritance money, he can’t touch; our debt is lower, our house is nicer, and I’m stronger emotionally due to years of therapy and S-Anon fellowship . . . While I think it’s unlikely he’ll cheat again, I’m in a MUCH better place to leave if he did choose that path.

As long as there is potential good in staying, as long as no abuse is happening, I think it’s worthwhile to not rush a decision. Surviving infidelity is not a race!

Best wishes and hugs. RS

PricklePatch

I do think he feel he missed out because we were together since we were so young...didn't "sow his oats" before marriage so to speak. I have asked him about that, and if I were to be honest, I think we did get married too young. He says he always knew he wanted me as his wife, but wished we had met a bit later. We thought we knew and of course with time, has come wisdom. I think we both would have been well served to have more relationship experience before marriage. We had dated at 16 and I broke up with him because I thought he was selfish (ironic). At 19 he reached out to me again, I was across the country in university and the rest is history. I will heed your advise on the journalling. I think it will be healing for me. Writing here has been.

Green,

Thank you. I think it will be a long, arduous and rough road. One which may be impossible to overcome, but I don't yet feel I can say one way or the other with any sort of confidence. Days wax and wane. I am so astonished at my range of emotions.

I have asked him what he would do if he were me and he has said he is not sure he could overcome the hurt, pain and betrayal. He says he understands if I can't, that he doesn't deserve my efforts, but he is grateful everyday that I am trying. He says that I should move on if I can't find happiness with him, as he has taken enough from me and wants me to be happy.

He is adamant that the As would not have happened if he wasn't getting sex from them, that he was not connected to them emotionally...and in the next breath acknowledges how awful that is unto itself. A long journey for sure. One day, one step, thank you.

Ripped Soul,

Very good advice. You are right, I can not focus on things I can not change or control and his actions certainly fall into that category.

I am blessed that I have an amazing support network of friends who will support me if/when I need it (most friends don't know about the LTAs). Because his career involved shift work, I very early on found activities which nourished my soul outside of him and am very independent. I am involved with lots of activities, play lots of sports, volunteer and have my own company. I am very thankful for these outlets, as they have been my coping through this awful time.

Your post has given me food for thought in writing the above, that logistically, I will be ok, regardless of whether the R is successful or not. I will look at my "ducks" and be prepared for any possible outcome. I am going to start a new savings account, that makes sense to me.

I am hopeful, but cautious. I am not in an abusive situation, he is trying. He has done a 180 on his behaviour towards our M and being a partner. To be honest, part of me is pissed off that he is capable of this and didn't show it sooner. We might not be here if he had decided to grow up and be an adult sooner. So I have to be open to the possibilities. Maybe we can have something better like some others on SI have discovered, though the pain and scars will persist forever.

How does one recover from such lengthy infidelity?

My method was to leave the low rent POS who thought it was OK to DO that to me over and ovr and over. That's how.

I'm not going to try to delude you into thinking that you should invest another 3 seconds into someone like this. He turned your entire marriage one big SHAM.

He's a serial cheater. I'm not sure why you think he has 'remorse' because serial cheaters just don't seem capable of it - otherwise, they wouldn't cheat over and over and over and over like yours did. You're likely seeing whatever emotion he THINKS you need to see and if you need to see remorse, that's the face he'll put on for you.

This is an extreme case of the Sunken Costs Fallacy. Just because you've been with him for over half your life, you feel like you've invested far too much time, effort, love, emotion, life, etc. etc. into him to the point where you simply can't let him go, even though he's done nothing but continually disrespect you and your marriage for 20 years.

I'm not going to delude you and tell you he's suddenly turned into a choir boy and has 'remorse' after 20 years of his PURPOSEFUL continued disrespect of you. Nor would I delude you into thinking that 'reconciling' with a lifelong cheater who was NEVER loyal to you is any kind of acceptable idea because it's not. Giving someone like this the gift of reconciliation after he's continually kicked you in the face for 20 years straight is basically telling him that he can lie to you for 20 years, continually cheat on you, disrespect you to your CORE by making a complete farce of your marriage, and he can even cheat on you with your friends - and you'll STILL stay with him.

I was married to a serial cheater just like yours. He was all about wanting to have the wife and family and house and dog and picket fence - while continually having his 'fun' on the side. And just like yours, he 'loved' me and he 'loved' his family and didn't want a divorce, but he ALSO loved having his side fun anytime he got the opportunity. And also just like yours, he had no problem stepping over any line if he thought it would get him laid. Hitting on friends, family members, coworkers - whoever.

Just like yours.

Your husband is no different than most of them. Selfish, self centered, REMORSELESS (you're not seeing remorse - you're seeing a dog and pony show designed to appease you is all). I left my serial cheater's sorry ass after 11 years because serial cheaters DON'T CHANGE. And I was DONE being disrespected.

Yours may be that 1 in a million serial cheater who actually DOES change. It's rare, and the likelihood of him actually changing is pretty low because serial cheaters are considered high risk because they're very tough to reform. It's just who they are.

I refuse to blow sunshine up your ass and tell you how you can 'work through this' when you're basically agreeing to swallow one huge 20 year old SHIT SANDWICH. And because he's a serial cheater, it's highly likely you WILL have more D-Days. You can almost count on it. He's on his best behavior right now and will do anything he has to and tell you anything he thinks you want to hear if it ensures not being kicked out of the house.

But sadly, your chances are extremely high of more D-Days in the future. He's just likely going to get a lot craftier, sneakier and wiser in covering his tracks to make sure he doesn't get caught again.

I'm just being honest and realistic with you.

Good luck to you and my biggest piece of advice to you is to keep your eyes wide open for the next 30 years.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 5:45 AM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

How do you know he has not cheated in the last five years? He's basically been cheating your entire marriage.

Is he willing to take a polygraph?

[This message edited by annb at 6:39 AM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

I still love him, as odd as I know that may soun

You love the image you had of him. His true self is a serial cheater.

Please do not make a commitment to R based on this feeling.

I hear resignation in your voice. Have you been angry yet?

You are married to a man who believes he is entitled to whatever he wants no matter the costs.

so greeneyes, it's ok for you to tell hopeandhealing who to listen to or not listen to but it was wrong for me to do so ? Interesting....

T/J over.

I agree with Annb as usual. Her suggestion of a polygraph will open the door to more truths. A serial cheater rarely stops cheating on their own

[This message edited by Western at 7:52 AM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

and hopeandhealing, I believe your position regarding the affair partners is correct. While WH is primarily to blame for the affairs, these women knew he was married and that didn't stop them. Adultery goes both ways.

Only you know what is best for you and I wish you well. I can't advise on remaining in this marriage but if that is your objective, others here will be more helpful.

Again good luck

It is true that most serial cheaters will not change but it is also true that I would place this type of serial cheater into the narcissist category. This is where they are in the right, what they do is right and they see no reason for change. So, firstly you have to work out if you are with a fully fledged narc. My H had many narc tendencies but when it was first pointed out to him by my one sided psychotherapist he was just gutted. So, he started to look up narc traits and to try and understand why he was thought to be one.

He admitted he lacked empathy( this took a while) and he was being defensive so this led him to reading more and more articles on personalities and characters and looking into his behaviour.

A true narc would not do this.

Selfishness and self righteousness blessed with a dose of immaturity can be worked on but narcissism is a whole new ballgame.

Something to think about.