SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Also I'm not entirely sure but I get the idea your ap stopped the affair. Is that true? Why him not you? And if you where the one who ended it same question.

Also also how old are you and how long have you been married.

I can't be asked to go back through and search. Sorry. I'm too tired.

[This message edited by Adotta at 10:00 PM, April 27th (Friday)]

Thank you again for your advice. There is a lot of it to keep in mind.

Also I'm not entirely sure but I get the idea your ap stopped the affair. Is that true? Why him not you?

I feel this idea might come from the fact that AP confessed to his BS but I didn't confess to mine. We both agreed we wanted and needed to end it. It was a mutual decision. I struggled a lot in the beginning with wanting to tell my BS. My AP said that would be selfish and that I would only be hurting my BS to alleviate my guilt. AP said if I ever felt like I wanted to confess to my BS, that I should talk it out with my AP first. I know I should have ignored that and told my BS the truth. I don't know why I couldn't think to do that. I just would have felt terrible if I confessed and then it caused AP's BS to find out about everything before he could tell her himself. Obviously now I realize I didn't owe him anything. At the time it was harder to think straight. My BS finds this to be one of the most difficult parts to accept, and I understand why. I should have told him, there is no excuse.

[This message edited by Introspection17 at 5:53 AM, April 28th (Saturday)]

But then he told your husband? What he was at the bar and just decided. Why didn't he tell you, you should reveal if he was going to anyways. The guy seems a bit of a dumbass.

And that will be one of the bug issues moving foward. You hid it. You ended it which is good. Makes it easier for him to believe you still loved him. But you didn't fess up. He's wondering if the om didn't tell him would you have kept that secret forever? How many decades would he have been living his life oblivious to the fact. The thought can be very difficult to accept. It's very demeaning.

Going foward you need radical clear cut unwavering honesty. No lies of omissions about ANYTHING. If you mess up somehow TELL HIM. If you have more truth to offer and your holding back because you feel it will destroy your chance of reconciliation DON'T. If he finds out a single thing or catches you in a single lie he will have his trust in you at least shaken big time maybe even shattered.

Radical honesty is needed in all relationships IMHO. Every time you reveal the truth of your own accord is a chance to show him your looking out for him. The things you reveal may hurt his impression in other ways but at least he can trust you not to manipulate and Control him like a puppet. Its a form of abuse if you ask me, to do that to someone. He feels like a fool right now as well. Another reason for his feeling to be chaotic as hell.

You hear it from time to time here but you have to let go of the outcome. You can change you. You can't control or manipulate your husband in any way.

Has your husband seen the communications between you and your ap if any exist? If not he probably should. Eventually he has to so he can move on. If he doesn't want to know the truth of your relationship with the om he is doing one of 2 things trying to rugsweep. NOT healthy for him. Or he is trying to not care anymore. Not good for your marriage.

I think your on the right track. Your early on. Some waywards are totally blind at this stage but I think you understand better. This is going to be hard. It's going to take a monumental effort from both of you. Just understand he's dealing with the much harder metal burden. Your going to feel like crap. No doubt. But he's is going to have to fight going insane. It's not uncommon for men to go off the deep end dealing with this stuff.

Keep posting. I hope I'm helping in some way. And I like you. You seem to putting effort in. When you said you where already reading not just friends I smiled. Your putting the work in. Take it a day at a time. Just like my quote.

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[This message edited by Adotta at 4:09 PM, April 28th (Saturday)]

Why didn't he tell you, you should reveal if he was going to anyways. The guy seems a bit of a dumbass.

Truthfully, I've been wondering the same. I really believed he would give me that privilege to disclose on my own. I'm trying not to feel anger or betrayal. We owed each other nothing, and I know this ultimately will work out well for me because I will be forced to work on myself. I mourn for my BS, because I'm worried he may not have beneficial consequences from all of this, but that is my fault alone.

He's wondering if the om didn't tell him would you have kept that secret forever?

He asked me this on Dday. I told him I had no plans of ever telling him the truth. This brings me to your next point, radical honesty...

I have revealed to him things that he did not ask about, because I knew he would want to know. One story involved my AP and I sneaking away to spend alone time together on the night before my BS and I took a trip back to the town where we met. I told him the truth about it. He seemed angry at first and asked how I could do that to him. But he later thanked me for telling the truth when he didn't ask. He said I should tell him if I think of anything else that he doesn't know about, because he thought it really helped him start to trust me again because I told him about an incident he never asked about. Unfortunately, I have nothing new to disclose at this point... I almost wish I had more secrets because it seems like he trusted me more after I shared the last one without prompting from him.

You hear it from time to time here but you have to let go of the outcome. You can change you.

It's interesting that you mention this, because I feel like I've had to go through this without truly putting the concept into words. On Dday right after the confrontation, I begged my BS to stay with me. He had packed his luggage, and was ready to walk out the door, but I hugged him and cried and begged and promised to do anything he wanted until he finally agreed to stay. I was pathetic, and I was desperate. I thought really long and hard about my reaction. I realized that, many BS will put effort into R, then decide it can't work and leave, even after 2 years later. And I realized that I have to come to peace with the fact that this may happen to us. Because I was losing my mind because I was unable to accept that we were over. It felt like my brain was incapable of accepting that possibility. I thought there was no way I would ever accept it, it just could not be the outcome. I was so against it. I realized that I was still being selfish. Because I knew he deserved better, but I was determined to make him stay with me. I'm still determined to make him stay, but I have also come to terms with the possibility that he may decide to leave, and I will have to accept it. I told him this, that I will not beg him to stay any more. I said I have accepted the possibility that he may choose to leave me, and I will mourn but I have to pick myself up and continue with my therapy. It would hurt like hell, and it would be the biggest regret in my life (it still is even if he stays), but I would have to let him go and accept that he may be better off without me. I believe this is what you mean as well.

Has your husband seen the communications between you and your ap if any exist? If not he probably should.

He asked for this much earlier on. I gave him my phone to look at my text messages. He looked at the company messenger we used to communicate. Because both of us were not single, we rarely used outside messaging. There were no texts, no messages, and no written evidence that anything happened. Unfortunately, I think this actually made my BS even more suspicious. I had nothing to hide, because we were too careful not to message each other. We sent messages on snapchat once, but even then, it wasn't anything conspicuous. It was just if we should meet up, and when. I told this to my BS. He seemed to be really untrusting, and I understand why. I told him I would pull my phone records from the phone company so he can cross check them with the texts in my phone so he would know I didn't delete anything. He declined.

You seem to putting effort in. When you said you where already reading not just friends I smiled. Your putting the work in.

Thank you again for your advice and input. I know my original post did not capture the gravity of my motivation to fix this, but I truly have never felt so strongly about anything in my life. And I continue to feel this inspiration today to help heal the man I love. I will keep your advice close in my mind every day. I'll be sure to update again soon. Unfortunately, my first IC appointment isn't until May 18th, so I'm holding on until then.

Honestly, I have never been one to believe in soulmates. I don't believe my husband is my soulmate, and I don't believe we were put together by "fate" or any particular reason.

But I believe that I will never want to be with anyone with the same conviction and dedication that I feel, knowing I want to be with him and to make this work.

When you say you told him the truth when he asked. Was it the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Or did the story need revisions as he pushed more or dug deeper? I believe you that he now knows everything. But did he need to pressure you for answers and truth? That will matter. The lack of evidence along with trickle truth no matter how small will mean he's going to never know KNOW the truth. He will struggle with that. Trying to forgive you for something he can't be even sure you fessed up to fully. And I can assure you your not in reconciliation if you are hiding anything.

Alot of times people love to try and fess up to "lessor" crimes. So they start out fessing uo to one small thing and then add on till their spouse believes them and dont add any more truth. One time becomes 4 and some hjs. When its really every day of the week for 6 months. They feel they are saving thier partner the pain and they feel the new info would ruin any chance at reconciliation. It's really just selfish self protection to one degree or another. I don't think you would do that. Hopefully not. Trickle truth is a form of torture in my opinion.

Or did the story need revisions as he pushed more or dug deeper? I believe you that he now knows everything. But did he need to pressure you for answers and truth?

No, I told him everything the first time. I knew there was no point, and if I wanted him to stay and for us to fix it, then he should know everything. I answered every question honestly the first time he asked, but there were still details that he did not ask, and I gave him those too because I knew he wouldn't think to ask about them.

Introspection17, I have been impressed with your sincerity, and your willingness to work things out, so much so that I registered on SI so I could comment.

There is an X factor in marriage. For lack of a better term, I’ll call it love. Right now you’re in a no-man’s-land. Do I love my husband enough to do this hard work? Does he love me enough to do likewise?

No need to measure who has the harder task. That depends on a thousand things, including personality and childhood experiences. Best to say you both have your work cut out for you.

I would tell you about my story, but I don’t want to hijack your thread. I’ll just say that many years later, my husband and I are today so grateful we did not give up.

Wishing you strength, and some measure of day-to-day happiness, in little things.

MidnightBlue

I have been impressed with your sincerity, and your willingness to work things out, so much so that I registered on SI so I could comment.

Thank you so much. I only hope my BS will see this in time. I know I have to keep working on it to prove it to him, and that will be long and difficult but I am still determined.

I would tell you about my story, but I don’t want to hijack your thread. I’ll just say that many years later, my husband and I are today so grateful we did not give up.

I'm not concerned with thread-hijacking. I would love to know your story if you are open to tell it. Thank you for your kind words.

I think I may have worded my original question in a very poor manner. I don't want to know "how long until you could pretend to be normal". I guess I just wanted to know when he could stand to be in the same room as me again. But I know it's his journey, and only time will tell... He said lately he has been wondering if he wants something else, and he doesn't think he can ever feel better. I told him not to feel rushed into healing, and that if he does ever feel better, it would take a very long time. I've been doing favors for him, and I think he appreciates it. I just have to be consistent over a long time. And I want to be.

Introspection17, since you had a stop sign, I decided to post my story in the Reconciliation forum. You can find it there.

I know the stage you’re in right now can feel like the ground is is shifting beneath your feet. At first the instability alone seems like it could kill you. But after a while, you get your sea legs. I remember one day I stared out a window and said, well, I still have me. I still have the thoughts in my head and the dreams in my heart, no matter what.