SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm just looking for a place to vent. My BS has made a huge amount of effort in all of this, and I have too. We both want to make it work, and it already feels like we've come such a long way since Dday (2 weeks ago).

He can have conversations with me now, and he can look at me now. He still sleeps on an air mattress in the living room. I sleep on the bed. I asked him if he thought he would ever want to sleep in the bed with me again. He said he didn't know.

He also doesn't want me to go anywhere without him. So he goes out to hang out with his friends on the weekend, but I stay home and wait for him. I asked if I could invite a friend over to at least keep me company. (A female friend that he knows very well.) And he seemed uncertain about that too. Sometimes he doesn't text me to tell me where he is or when he'll be back, and it makes me worry he'll never come home. He's been slowly getting better about this though.

How long until the little things like this get better? I was expecting him not to trust me again for years, but I feel so alone and isolated. I ask him about his feelings, but he has always had a hard time communicating those with me. When I ask him now, he ignores me. But he says he really wants this to work.

Our lease is ending soon and we were looking at new apartments recently. Yesterday, we found my dream apartment and we could've taken it off the market. He said that he didn't want to move any more. He said he was expecting me to get angry and resent him. But I wasn't. I told him if he thinks staying in our current apartment would help, then I am fine to do that. He thanked me, but I think he still thinks I'm resentful. I am not resentful at all. He also accuses me of giving up on us, and I'm bending over backwards for him every day. How do I prove I am not giving up? Sorry if I'm whiny. I'm a mess still.

Also, just want to add I know this will take time and patience. I'm willing to wait and work hard. I was just interested in hearing some other experiences.

Your 2 weeks from dday. I think your so far ahead of yourself you have broken a dimensional wall and lodged your face in your own butt.

Give the guy a second to breathe. 2 weeks is a blink. He hasn't even begun to come to terms with the hell that is infidelity. It's going to be a good long while before he can sleep a full nights aleep. It's going to be a good long while before he can even BEGIN to trust you. He's going to struggle with this. He doesn't know how he feels. About ANYTHING. He can barely breathe day by day. He is going to be all over the map feelings wise. It's a great big emotional rollercoaster.

I'm going to be honest.... your 2 weeks in and you asking how long.. that's not good. If you where at a year or 2 in I could kind of accept.

One of the ways a wayward proves thier commitment..... is by being commited. Odd right? They don't start squirming at the damn 2 week mark. You have years of ups and downs ahead of you!!!

Your husband is dealing with the worst thing he could have ever learned. His wife was cheating on him

How did your affair start. How long did it last? Can we get some more info. Have you told him the truth or did he have to find EVERYTHING by himself. Does he know everything?

There are good books to help a WS get an idea of whats required. How to help your spouse heal from infidelity is a good one and highly recommend here.

Your going to have to do the heavy lifting for a while. He doesn't know if a word you say is true. He doesn't know of your going to run to your ap the second he turns his back or not. He doesn't know if he even wants to stay married to somone who could do this to him. Only long sustained ACTIONS are going to prove anything to him. Your words mean almost NOTHING right now. You already proved you can lie manipulate and break oaths. He is never going to believe you are suddenly a good girl again after 2 weeks. He would be a damn fool if he did.

Have you seen a IC? Do you Plan on it? We need more info about your affair. We need more info about EVERYTHING really. How did hubby find out? How did you handle it. Did you try lying? How long did the affair last?

You have to do the work of finding your whys. Finding out what excuses and character flaws you have that allowed you to do this.

We all came here with flaws. If we didn't have flaws we wouldn't have done the things we have done. Finding those flaws fixing them and owning our shitty choices is a thing we all struggle with at first.

There is a difference between regret and remorse. I think you regret all this so far. I don't see any remorse yet.

It's kinda like you stabbed your husband and now you are like " what the hell I got blood all over my shirt! I shouldn't have done this. Or I should have done it in a way that blood doesn't spray on me." That is regret. It's wishing you hadn't done it because of what the actions caused to happen to you. Remorse is deeper then that. Remorse comes when you truly understand the shitty hand you dealt your husband and how he will never be the same again. Once you can understand that and feel empathy for him you have only just began the journey.

[This message edited by Adotta at 12:59 PM, April 20th (Friday)]

How long until the little things like this get better?

3 years

I don’t think things will ever get back to a full normal with infidelity.

2 weeks out? I would not be thinking about this. There is so much your BS will be going through. His feelings and emotions are going to be a rollercoaster. This just all depends on you and your BS. Don’t push him to heal. He will have his on own timeline on how long. I would be thinking more on your part. Getting into IC and fixing yourself is the first step. My H was sad for 2/3 months and then one day his angry come out.

We are 2 years and 4 months out I feel like we are starting to get back some what to normal. This is going to take SO much time. Two weeks is nothing.

This reminds me when I was staring to get it. We were 4 months out and I thought things should be getting back to normal. I look back now and think what the hell was I thinking with this thought??? This is all going to get way worse before it will get better or normal.

[This message edited by godheals at 1:25 PM, April 20th (Friday)]

Introspection 17,

I concur with Adotta. You have a long road ahead! It was about 3 weeks post d-day when my BH handed me Linda McDonald's book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Infidelity. I don't think we would be where we are today if not for that book.

Unfortunately, what you are thinking of as "normal" is gone. Neither you, your husband or your marriage if you stay together will ever be the same as a result of this experience.

Right now it is hour by hour and day by day for both of you. I would highly recommend finding a good individual counselor and start getting to the bottom of how you got to the point that you crossed the boundary that allowed you to cheat. Do this for you not just to try to save the marriage. Three years out I still find the guilt and shame debilitating at times.

For your BH, he needs to find a sense of safety. Do whatever it takes to help him - sleeping elsewhere, staying at home when he goes out, etc.

I would not recommend pushing the issue of letting you know where he goes and when he is coming home (not anytime soon). You may get the response that he doesn't owe you that as you didn't disclose your whereabouts during the affair.

For a remorseful wayward and a willing BS, reconcilliation is possible but the relationship that emerges is not returning to the old normal.

Your husband will always deal with triggers and the affair is never forgotten.

Please don't think my message is all doom and gloom. I am a different person than I was but I like the person I have become. It took a lot of introspection and willingness to change. I never want to be the cause of pain and devastation that my past actions inflicted.

Don't try to be normal or pretend. Acknowledge the pain you have caused and show that you are remorseful. You will need to show your commitment to acknowledging his feelings and making him feel safe moving forward - each and everyday.

When emotions get the best of him, hear your BH out. Don't try to diminish his feelings or your role in causing them. Answer any question he asks. If the answer may be hard to hear - tell him "this will be hard to hear, are you sure you want me to continue."

Have complete transparency. I tell my husband that my voicemail is full before I delete it. It may sound silly after 3 years but it lets him know I intend to be transparent.

If you are a person of faith, pray. Ask for help in supporting your husband.

Everybody's story here is different but there is something you can learn from everyone.

Sometimes he doesn't text me to tell me where he is or when he'll be back, and it makes me worry he'll never come home.

Not knowing where he is and when he is coming home enables him to monitor you behavior to some extent. His trust level is near zero at this point. He could be checking (phone bill) to see if you're on the phone for long periods when he's gone and who you're talking to. If you don't know when he's coming home, he stands a better chance of catching you off guard. Or worse yet, catching you with company you didn't want him to know about.

An unpredictable BS's schedule works against the WS and for the BS for obvious reasons. I know this sounds and feels over the top but your comment of him not wanting you to go anywhere without him is a clue to his degree of anxiety and trust. Essentially you're on house arrest. But again, I'm offering reasons related to his unpredictable social schedule. It's very possible he's testing you through various means. Could be as simple as you jumping off the phone as soon as he gets home or him seeing you at the window with your phone to your ear monitoring his return.

If during your affair, you were successful in hiding, lying, etc. then obviously he'll be ultra vigilant with respect to protecting himself.It's less about you and more about him protecting his heart from further pain. He's taken the risk of reconciling with you, but it's possible your track record which was very recent, is too fresh in his mind and his pain too deep to overcome for him to operate with trust. It will be a long time probably. If you are remorseful, you will understand.

6 months. Then the anger phase will hit. After that your betrayed spouse will not be worried about losing a cheater and probably 180 you. He probably will not give a shit if you resent him, because he will realize he might resent you. Then, the lethal plane of flatness the 180 when they realize it is about you earning them back and they will not put up with any amount of the feel sorry, miserable, isolated feelings from you. Two years at the most for it to get anywhere normal and that only depends upon you doing what you need to do and him moving forward through the healing process. I suggest finding a hobby at home. Agree with others, it is going to get worse.

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all of your advice and contributions. I'd like to answer a few questions and hopefully provide some more context...

I think the reason I'm so confused/struggling right now is because for the most part, he is behaving normally. I know he does not feel normal, but we're almost back into our same routines. Yet there are small things that indicate to me his hurt, and I only get glimpses of it.

Some questions I'd like to answer:

How long did it last? Can we get some more info. Have you told him the truth or did he have to find EVERYTHING by himself. Does he know everything?

The PA consisted of 4 incidents spread over the course of 2 weeks, and ended in September. The truth came out because my AP was at a bar with my BS and vaguely told him something was up. He told my BS to talk to me about it. When BS asked me, I gave him all of the details. He knows everything now. Although, he has stopped asking me questions. I occasionally ask him if there's anything he would like to know or talk about. Most of the time he says no. At that point, I don't push it.

Have you seen a IC? Do you Plan on it? We need more info about your affair. We need more info about EVERYTHING really. How did hubby find out? How did you handle it. Did you try lying? How long did the affair last?

Unfortunately, I have not seen an IC yet. We had an appointment for MC last weekend, but we did not click with the counselor at all. In fact, BS and I were irritated with her because she seemed to insinuate that the A was partially the fault of my BS. I told her that I accept full responsibility, and I know it had nothing to do with him. I called a couple other places, but unfortunately, a lot of MCs are fully booked in my city. I had us put on a couple waitlists, and we have an appointment with a new MC on Monday. We were hoping to ask her recommendation about IC at that time. I did not try to lie. Once he confronted me, I told him the full truth about everything. The PA lasted for 2 weeks, there were 4 incidents. The flirting was happening for a month or so before that. My BS noticed the flirting and asked me to stop, so I did. But then AP came onto me one day. I initially turned him down, but we met to talk about everything and I did not stop it at that point.

I hope this has provided some context. Thank you all again for your advice, it has been very helpful. I'm happy to have joined this community, and I hope this keeps me on the right track. My BS and I just had an argument, and I know I'm entitled to nothing. I'm just so selfish that I can't think straight when I feel like he's asking too much from me. I know he's not asking too much now that I have read these responses. I don't know how to reprogram myself to give him more of what he needs. I hope IC can help me with this. I feel like I often forget my place as a WS. I need reminding, and I am determined still to fix everything. I know I'm willing to do what ever it takes, but I keep making mistakes. How do I keep reminding myself to just give him what ever he wants even if it's extremely inconvenient/inconsiderate for me? I'm so lucky he's even still here but I'm still so selfish. I need help and I feel like I don't know where to start. After we have these arguments, I always feel remorse and I go back to him and apologize and do what he asks, but I would like to make the right decisions to begin with instead of causing this hurt to him.

Also, thank you all for the suggestion of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. I have downloaded it to my Kindle, and I am halfway through reading it. I have found it to be very helpful, as you all have said.

Why are you in MC? The affair was about you and your issues. Not your husband or the marriage. So, therefor the one needing fixed right now is individuals. IC for you. Ideal to do IC for him. Though at this point I wouldn't push it.

Zugzwang

Our MC specializes in working with couples attempting to overcome an affair. Also, we are going to each go to IC as well. BS is eager to go. We just wanted to speak with this MC about how to best coordinate both types of counseling at once.

I still miss him so much.

The last time I posted, I mentioned an argument that we had. He had asked me to leave the apartment so his friend could come over to hang out. (They live pretty opposite sides of the city.) I was confused as to why he wanted me to vacate the apartment at 8pm, after I had already been drinking, knowing I had nowhere to go, and I would have no idea when I would be allowed to return. I said this to him, and his eyes glazed over. It was like he was looking into space. We argued, he left the apartment to meet up with his friend in the city somewhere. At that time, I came on here to post my response to everyone's comments.

It's been a week and a few days since then. I'm learning to cope with the loneliness. I'm giving him more space, and I'm trying not longer to force my presence on him. I still miss him, but I know he treasures the time he has apart from me. We have found an MC that is a fit for us (for now). And I have made an appointment with an IC. Unfortunately, they are very booked up in my city, so my first appointment is 3 weeks away. But it's better than nothing.

Yesterday, BS sent me a story about a couple that successfully reconciled. I responded that I am 100000% in to reconciliation... Today I reread the comment, and I thought maybe he was hinting at living apart (because that was in the story). I messaged him asking if that was the focus he intended when he sent that text. He said no, my original interpretation of the text was accurate(optimism for R). Then he asked if I wanted to live apart. I said no, but if he felt we needed to live apart, that it would be worth it to make him comfortable. He thanked me.

Still taking it one day at a time, but I'm determined.

Thank you again to everyone who gave me advice. I only hope I continue to learn when I am being selfish. I hope I can continue to grow, be better to him, and to give him space that he asks for. I have been so selfish for so long, that I need to train myself to be aware, and to be better.

I know he deserves better than what I have done to him, and I have told him so. He asked if I thought he should stay. I said I thought he put a lot of hard work and effort into making me a better partner, and he deserves the benefits of that hard work. But, that he deserves to have someone who will treat him better than I have, and that he should leave me. After I said this, he said let's not talk about it any more.

Thank you to everyone again. I know any day could be my last with him. And I am grateful for the second chance with every moment I breathe. If he wakes up one day and decides he can't handle it, I know he will be better off. I will always have work to do to fix myself. I can only hope I can do this work with him by my side.

I just wanted to check in and say your doing well.

Here is another book suggestion. "Not just friends" it's about boundries and inappropriate friendships.

I second what others are saying right now about MC. That's for later. IC is for now. You have to work on YOU right now.

That said I am picking up on a little bit of a I'm so worthless vibe. Sort of like you believe your husband can do just about anything he wants and that's alright. Yes you should probably suck it up and not argue back if he is triggering or calls you a petty name or shows some abnormal behavior. He is feeling chaotic emotions. He's not sure how he feels. He has to sort that out and unfortunately he's angry at you. BUT that does not mean you now have to be some quiet timid abused wife now. Your a big girl I'm sure you know when he is taking things too far so don't let him. If he is being totally nonsensical don't let it fly. If he is being physically abusing DO NOT LET THAT FLY. Being cheated on doesn't give him the right to be a massive asshole or an abuser.

If he is yelling at you because of the affair. Fine I can understand that completely and I hope you would too. But if he is freaking out because you burnt dinner or didn't fold laundry properly or he is expecting you to act like an obedient slave then stand up for yourself. Don't let it get into a petty arguement. If you need to just separate yourself from the situation. Let it be known he can't abuse you. He can't control you. He can only controll himself. He can leave you for not meeting his requirment to be a safe wife and help him feel secure again as well working on your issues but he can't basicly be an ass about EVERYTHING. Your still a human who deserves respect. Yes you cheated and should follow his lead ( for now ) but keep your dignity. He will actually respect you more if you can. Some men (and women) kinda take out thier anger in bad ways. They like to go about "punishing" thier SO in every way possible.

Let's leave that alone for now. I'm not even sure he is being an ass. I'm just picking up some maybe overly submissive undertones from you.... maybe.

How was your marriage before the affair if you don't mind me asking. Any kids? Do you have a job? Was your husband kind and supportive and communicating well. Where you doing those things?

Also are you completely NC with your ap? That's pretty important. If this guy is in any way still around your husband simply will not be able to move on. Is your ap married? If so has his wife been told?

Are you struggling with feeling for you ap? Your affair didn't last long so you're actually lucky in that the truly crazy latching on to eachother probably hadn't got too far along but I can't be sure of that. It can happen quickly some times. It's not like you're a bad person if you struggle with those feelings for your ap. It happens all the time and it's not the end of the world if it is happening. It's just something to work through.

About separating ..... it's really his choice. It might help. It might not. It has gotten mixed results from what I see. I would say the stats lead more towards it not helping. But if he feels your constantly up his butt 24 7 that's very stressful. I would try to maybe give him his space WITHIN your own home. Make the bedroom or guestroom his room. He needs somwhere to be alone most likely.

How are you doing? I know you probably feel like crap. Your probably feeling very down on yourself. And while that's good in a way (within limits your not evil ) as it leads to self discovery and growth if used rightly, you still need to take care of yourself. Make sure you eat. Make sure you stay hydrated. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. It won't help. If you're body is falling apart so will you mind. Punishing yourself with self destruction doesn't fix anything and actually lower the bs opinion of you. You will seem pathetic.

Like I said before you're still very early in the process. Give it time. Try to see things from his point of view but remember your thoughts matter too.

Adotta

Thank you for the suggestion. I have actually already started reading Not "Just Friends". I'm about a fourth of the way through. I have found it to be helpful so far. I need these boundaries, and I need to actively reinforce them.

I don't believe he would ever be physically abusive. It's hard for me to tell when he is pushing too far. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment in these cases. We actually had a bit of an argument again last night. I said I felt like him trying to get me to leave the apartment was a punishment. He said it wasn't meant to be, but he just doesn't care about inconveniencing me any more. I guess that's fine. I think ultimately, the conversation ended with him having more respect for me, which I realize may have been lacking in the past week. I also don't think he is being an ass about everything or treating me as a slave (though I will look out for this in the future per your advice).

How was your marriage before the affair if you don't mind me asking. Any kids? Do you have a job? Was your husband kind and supportive and communicating well. Where you doing those things?

Overall, we were happy together. We both have jobs. No kids. We have a lot of fun memories together, and we were very close. Best friends. We spent every day together. Everything was just more fun when I was with him. He is very kind and supportive. I tried to be supportive as much as possible also. Unfortunately, we had communication issues. There were problems, but instead of talking through them, we just put them aside and forgot about them. He is too kind, and he doesn't like to argue if we can just pretend to ignore the problem. I have negative argument habits, and I think this escalated our fights and made him withdraw from me even more. I'm trying to work on this. I know I can be defensive and unnecessarily upset about things, and I need to work on my tone of voice.

Also are you completely NC with your ap? That's pretty important. If this guy is in any way still around your husband simply will not be able to move on. Is your ap married? If so has his wife been told?

Yes, me and AP have been NC since we ended things in September. He and his BS have split up due to his confession. Unfortunately, we(Me, BS, and AP) work in the same building at the same company. However, it's a large company so BS and I almost never see AP at the office. I know BS has very bad anxiety about the possibility of running into him or me at random. I offered to leave the company, and I had a network contact with another company who wanted me to join, but BS said he could not let me quit my job. I'm still not sure... Lately I have been having dreams about leaving to go to the other company, even though I do not want to.

Are you struggling with feeling for you ap?

Fortunately, I am not. I was regretting the entire A before my BS ever found out about it. At some points, I even convinced myself that it never really happened. It was difficult to stop talking to AP at first, because in my warped mindset, I thought we could go back to being friends. After some time passed, AP and his BS separated, and AP started to try to be friendly with me and my BS again. I wanted nothing to do with him, but I didn't want to let that show. AP would text and send messages. I either did not respond or sent one word messages back. Since Dday, I have blocked AP every where. I do think we latched onto each other during the PA, but I think because we both knew we needed to end it abruptly, the feelings dissipated over time.

I would try to maybe give him his space WITHIN your own home. Make the bedroom or guestroom his room. He needs somwhere to be alone most likely.

We have actually done this. Our apartment isn't very big, but I sleep and live in the bedroom. He has an air mattress and the couch in the living room. He has his PS4 and the TV in that room, and he purchased headphones to block out sounds so he can feel like he's really alone and away from me. I stay in the bed with my laptop and my Kindle. I think we have both adjusted to this arrangement already. I think it makes it everything just a little bit easier for him.

How are you doing?

I do feel that I'm more constructive in my efforts to work on myself when I'm feeling particularly down (which is often). I'm trying to channel these negative feelings into hard work. I feel like I always have this sense of urgency, that I could mess everything up at any moment, so I have to try harder and harder. I know I can't rush anything, but I have this feeling of panic sometimes. Like, if I give up or stop trying for a minute, my life is over.

Thank you again for all of your advice and suggestions. I hope to finish reading Not "Just Friends" this weekend.

[This message edited by Introspection17 at 10:25 AM, April 27th (Friday)]

He isn’t normal. Normal is gone.

You want to know how many times the affair is coming into his head? Two weeks out it is hitting him nonstop. It’s like a web page that keeps refreshing.

Your BS is dealing with a mental trauma. Infidelity is one of those mindfucks that no one understands unless they have been through it.

It’s like he woke up and his history has changed and he is trying to resolve what he thought he knew with the truth of the affair.

Healing from this shitstorm takes 2-5 years and can be longer depending on how you do things. A lot of this healing depends on your actions and attitudes.

Buy this book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald you can get it here https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_qagUybCZE9ZZT. This is but a beginning but what she says you need to do is spot on.

Also get this book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass you can buy it here https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_XagUybMQYXFG2.

Both of these books will, when taken to heart and implemented will build the foundation that you and your BS can heal.

You have to look at think as a long term issue or in other words this is a marathon not a sprint.

You say you had problems in your relationship. Can you specify? If you feels it's gross or too personal or embarrassing you can be vaugue. But if you guys where having trouble in the bedroom that's going to be a sore topic for him for a while. I have told other women here about emasculation and how big a deal it is for men who are cheated on but they seem to think I'm being juvenile. I'm not it's a big deal. If hubby thinks you went into another man's arms because of bedroom issues it's going to hurt him a lot.

Also panic is normal. Just make sure you take a breathe and think before you act. How you say things and do things will matter. You can say something with the best of intentions but your husband might hear something else entirely.

And about being a push over. Some men use an affair as an excuse to win every arguement. You could be arguing about who needs to do what around the house and some men or (women) will fly into a rage calling thier ws a whore or a bitch and use the affair as a bludgeon to win every arguement.

Can I ask if him sleeping on the couch was his idea or yours? Kinds seems a little shitty that HE'S the one who has to leave his bed. I would offer to sleep on the couch if I where in your shoes. Even if he deny it at least it shows your thinking about him. Maybe you have already had this talk so who knows.

[This message edited by Adotta at 4:08 PM, April 27th (Friday)]

You say you had problems in your relationship. Can you specify?

Honestly, it seems so silly now. The problems were overall really minor. I don't know if I can even remember a lot of them. I think it was about my communication style. When I would ask him to do small things ("don't put the empty milk carton back in the fridge"), he wouldn't follow through with them. I kept reminding him, and sometimes I would get impatient. If we had arguments over small things, I was not as constructive as him in arguments. I would get annoyed easily, maybe I would be defensive or raise my voice. We both wanted to have more intimacy in the bedroom. I don't think your point is juvenile, and I would sympathize with insecurities that manifest due to bedroom issues. I am pretty sure my BS knows that I much prefer him in bed, over the AP. My BS is better in every way, and I've told him so. He seems to believe me.

How you say things and do things will matter. You can say something with the best of intentions but your husband might hear something else entirely.

I have experienced this very often. I'm at the point where I'm scared to say things, because I've made small comments and he has assumed my intentions were the worst. I cooked for him last week, and I put his food in bento boxes. I told him I have rice molds and cute sauce containers, but I knew he was hungry so I rushed through cooking so I could feed him. He accused me of lying because he thought I was trying to make myself sound like a "better" person than I actually am. I reassured him that I just wanted to cook quickly because I knew he was hungry. He started to claim he never told me he was hungry, but he had. He has also accused me of saying things to make him feel bad or guilty. I told him I didn't mean to make him feel guilty, but I would be extra careful to word things carefully so I don't make him feel guilty in the future. I feel like he sees me as this terrible person now. He said "Can you blame me?" I told him I know I did the worst thing you can do to your loved one, but it doesn't necessarily make me a terrible person. I don't know if he agreed with me about that one, but that was where the conversation ended. I know he is hurting, and I'm trying to be extra lenient and caring with him. Some days, things are better, and I see the man I knew. I know we have a lot of bad days now, but I'm determined to stick through it.

Can I ask if him sleeping on the couch was his idea or yours?

On the first night, he wanted to sleep on the air mattress. I told him not to do that, and he could sleep in the bed. He said he wanted to be in the living room because he wanted the TV. The air mattress was uncomfortable for him the first couple of nights, and I kept insisting that he sleep in the bed, and I will just take the couch. He bought a mattress topper for the air mattress, and he now says it very comfortable. I think he likes having the TV in his room.

His questioning your every motive is normal. Trust is going to be hard to come by for a while. I don't blame him. Neither should you. Again, he is going to be all over the board. One moment his mind will be screaming fuck her divorce her NOW. The next his mind will tell him you're not evil. Give her a chance. People make mistakes.

He needs time to really sort through this. He has some really hard decisions to make. Take solace in the fact he IS struggling. Most men lean towards cutting the cheater out of thier life and moving on. The fact that he is struggling hints his feelings for you are still there struggling to keep you together. They are just wounded. His pride is wounded. Choosing his friend is a bit of a double betrayal for him.

Don't try to love bomb him. Keep your gestures small and heartfelt. Don't pour out the drama telling him you love him. Show him. Make him food he likes. Leave him small notes about whatever. Anticipate his needs and dont expect a parade for doing well. When he is hurting try to be there. Hold his hand. grip his shoulder. When he triggers and he will for years, be there for him and simply say sorry. He is going to push you away at first. When he does just accept he isn't ready to accept it right now. One day his guard on his heart will go down. It's no guarantee but he needs to know you understand his pain. That you understand what's been done. Long sustained action and small reassurances will go a long way. Your words don't hold much value right now. They will eventually but not now. He is testing your love partly. He is waiting for you to break , throw in the towel and show him you where not serious about your love for him. I can't gauruntee that's what he's doing but some part of him most likely wonders if you have it in you to put the work in. Do the work and let him see it. Don't prance about proud like you're such a great person because you did it. Don't put up a billboard for him to know every time you have done something. He will notice. He may not comment but he will notice.

Don't beat yourself up too much in front of him. Saying your awfull and you don't deserve to live. Calling yourself garbage and making over blown dramatics like a martyr will only make it all about you and piss him off.

Don't try to jump his bones for now. For one it will seem disingenuous and manipulative right now. Don't try for now unless he shows interest. If he shows interest show interest back. After a few times and once he seems comfortable having sex again initiate sex as well. Sex is going to be hard for him early on (no pun intended). He is going to have mind movies going on in his head. It will be a porno shoot of you and the other man in his head on replay. Over and over. He will have to come to terms with that and find a way to get rid of them.

Go see an IC. He needs one and so do you. If money is a problem and you are religious some large churches offer free services like that. Be careful. Some churches just use a priest or someone not properly trained or tested. If you're not comfortable with a church there are government programs for the poor that can help pay for IC. That depends on where you live. I thought you where in japan when you mentioned bento box but I see you're from Mass. Choose good ones (IC) because there ARE bad ones. Plenty of them. Ones that will try to make your cheating his fualt. The problems during the marriage are on both of you to one degree or another. But your affair.... that's all you. Stay away from mc for now. Their goal is to save the marraige NOT heal the people there. MC is for later. For after he and you decide you want to stay married. You need to find out why you thought this was ok. Why cheating was an option for you. Safe and healthy minded people don't cheat. Find your whys. Find the motivation. Dig deep.

I also recommend asking him for time before he makes a decision. If he keeps talking about divorce ask him to give it 6 months to let his feeling get sorted and to also allow you to show your sincerity.

Aviod words like it was a mistake. Don't minimize what was done. If he hasn't received the whole unabridged truth you need to tell him NOW because if he finds out later your chances of reconciliation go down ALOT. I know you said you told the whole truth but some people think that just means the important parts. You also mentioned he didn't want info I believe. If he cares any more eventually he will want a FULL accounting or he may just want when or where. It's up to him and don't go all motor boat mouth about anything sexual unless he asks.

Keep it up. Reconciliation is one of the hardest things ever in life. Just understand it's harder for him. He's conflicted. He feels love and hurt and betrayed and emasculated as well as untrusting. It's a massive swirl of emotions. He will go back and forth. He will ask you the same question over and over and over. He will probably do surprise checks on your phone or computer. He will probably hit an anger phase as well. Grieving your spouses affair is in some ways like grieving the death of a loved one. Be patient and understanding. He's scared to trust you after what you did.

The affair has torn some things out of your marriage that will never come back. If you fight hard and keep your head on straight you may get some , maybe even most of it back but never ALL of it. BUT there are things that can be gained through this process. You need to work on communication and understanding eachother. Learning how to comprise properly between the two of you. This can be a crucible. Yes the flames of reconciliation will leave burn scars, but the flames can also burn away the impurities. It can make you stronger. The ache of his scars and yours will never fully fade but this can be a chance to throw all the cards on the table. To understand eachother to the fullest extent and show all your vulnerability. It's just a chance. It requires both of you to fight for it. Both of you have to survive the flames.

BUT PLEASE DO NOT EVER TELL HIM YOUR AFFAIR WAS A GOOD THING! I know it sounds like common sense but waywards have spoken the words before and it NEVER goes over well.

Keep you're head up. Proceed with integrity understanding and conviction.

Edit: OH I forgot to mention. If you husband shows ANY form of anger or hatred for you're om DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT PROTECT OR DEFEND YOUR AP IN ANY WAY. If you're perceived to be protecting your ap in any way it may well be the nail in the coffin. He will almost want you to hate you're ap. From the sounds of it your ap is not a total piece of shit but he is a shitty person in some ways. Good moral men dont sleep with married women. Strike from your mind any thoughts of this guy being a good guy and ever seeing him again. That friendship is dead. It died the second you slept with him. If your husband starts railing on about your AP being a piece of shit nod along or stay quiet. Do not I repeat AGAIN do not feed him this line I have heard a million times on here. " I'm the one you should hate. Not him." Or "it's not his fualt". That is unless you want a divorce. This OM slept with you. All while claiming to be your husbands friend. Your husband sort of HAS TO hate this guy. In some ways his hatred for the om is a way to protect you. He may try to transfer anger from you to him. Don't take blame for your ap but don't shift blame. Own your own crap.

[This message edited by Adotta at 9:45 PM, April 27th (Friday)]