SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I liked Smillie's comments and suggestions. No one has a crystal ball. The stress of maintaining an affair and worry that you will find out could also have a negative effect on the pregnancy. Your wife has made some stupid ass choices when it comes to the pregnancy and baby. Did she think about a potential STD during pregnancy? She cannot be as good of a mother if her attention is focused on the other man. Her attention needs to be redirected to her child and her relationship with you as a family or as separate parents if you choose divorce. The decision to confront before birth or not is yours as no one else fully understands the situation. Just remember that after birth post partum depression may occur in some women. Please tell the piece of shit other man's wife. She needs to know so that she can make her choices. Also, she may keep him busy and help kill the affair. If he is in the military let them know as well.

Hey everyone,

sorry for my confused reply, but I read and answer everything in secret over the course of many hours while being at work. So:

Yes, it hurts like hell saving the emails to a thumb drive and while doing so having to read that messages and look at the pictures.

But it also confronts me with the reality and helps me realizing what is going on.

I'm aware that there is no suitable moment of confronting her, right now however I'm still undercover and waiting. Of course I try to be there for her during the pregancy and support her whatever it takes since I want the baby to be ok. Last night I had an epiphany: I realized that she threads me more like a close friend atm and not as a partner. I enjoy that she lets me participate in her daily routines, but this also makes it even harder to get the emotional "ease" I think I need right now to keep calm.

Odd thing is, some days she is acting just like before all this happend (usually over the weekend). This feels so right then, just like our life in the past. Having this happy feeling of being a couple and a team again. Then, the next day, she falls back into her "usual" mood by sendig out pictures of her lower body half to this man. Its like climbing on your favorite tree again and again just to be thrown off by someone right after reaching the top.

I guess she doesn't want to commit herself to any outcome of all this.

Right now I continue to gather more evidence, see my lawyer (appointment is next week) and prepare the great finale (so having my exit strategy ready, gathering means of contacting the OMS etc.). Maybe I put on a list here so I don't forget something which could also help others in the same situation.

Freeme:

The pregnancy as rather pleasant so far. No big issues besides difficulties to sleep at night (which of course comes in handy for her because of the time zone differences to her AP). I wonder why they stick to emails and don't use a messenger or something like that. Good for me though.

The baby is healthy and in good shape. Everything normal. Oh, yesterday she explained that our little fights are caused by her hormones making her more agressive.

Being afaid of risking a misscarriage when confronting her is one aspect, the other one is that I want to be with her during the birth. We've been through some many stuff in the past that I acutally look forward to this moment. Does that sound irrational. A bit I guess.

Telling her parents right now isn't a good idea I think. They will be very upset and most likely will run directly to her confronting her, how she can do this to me and to the kid. There recently has been a fight between my wife and them over her being cold hearted to them. Ironically, they also were against her solo-vacation. I talked them out of another argument with her about that. Stupid.

I'm so glad I found this community. Right now, there is nobody I want to put on the burden of being a secret keeper. Thank you for being there.

Did she think about a potential STD during pregnancy? She cannot be as good of a mother if her attention is focused on the other man

Actually I didn't give much thought about that. But it will be a very good point when confronting her.

Good for you BF. This forum is great for offering options. You sound like you are forming a solid plan.

First off, your English is great. If you had not posted that it was a second language I would not have known.

I had trouble getting pg (took 3 years) but once it happened the pg were fine and I ended up having 3 7+ lb healthy boys within 18 months. I'm not going to push you to confront but... if it happens it doesn't mean miscarriage, it doesn't make you evil, ... Your strength in not confronting while witnessing the emails... is unbelievable. Is she talking about a future with OM and the baby? Do they make concrete plans to see each other after the baby is born? Do you have any concerns about her taking off to Scotland with the baby after he/she is born?

I'm very happy you are set to speak with a lawyer. You need to find out what you can do now incase this does lead to divorce. A new born makes this a very tricky situation as far as her leaving the Country.

My Concerns -

You have stated that now is not a good time to tell the parents. Do you think you could ask them or any of her other old friends if they remember a (OM name) from her past. My concern is that OM is either a pervert that's into pregnant women that she virtually met during her 5 months maternity leave. Or OM is a bf of the past that she has kept intouch with and wanted to have a fling with prior to giving birth. I don't know which is worse, as one is dangerous and the other is a LTA. -- Since her parents were so firmly against her visit I wonder if this is an old boyfriend.

I worry that she is doing this while pg (after a very difficult time conceiving) and after just 3 years of marriage. The pregnancy should be such an exciting loving time for you two.

My other concern is that this is going to be swept under the rug. Confronting a new mother is difficult, she has just spent 5 hours in labor giving birth to the baby you have always wanted. Most of the affairs on these boards have the WS begging to be taken back. the key is that if she does "promise you anything/everything to take her back you follow through on the requirements. That you expose the affair to both her parents and to the OM wife.

If you do plan to wait to expose I think it would be good to add your to do list to this forum. Many members have experience on how they wish they had done things better. If you are going to wait you might as well get a stellar to do list ready.

You are doing well considering the circumstances.

Contact OM's wife if possible.

If he is/was military, find out if he went on any details or was stationed near you around the time of conception.

Check with the Doctor's who did the genetics test. Most of the time they are looking for a specific gene. Does not mean they are looking at possible paternity.

Do you have any idea when or how this started?

I think they have met in person before her trip to the USA and that makes him a possible father to her baby.

Today has been an incredibly hard day. After coming home from work I started my daily routine of archiving evidence. Seems like they’ve exchanged 183 emails, 2 videos and 5 pictures today. Highscore!

Some with remarkable content. I’ve learned a lot:

- They never saw each other in person before her vacation and told each other how much it elevated the relationship to a new level

- They both are into butt stuff, very unusual for her

- They plan to spend their life together in the us (including my kid)

It’s very interesting that she never mentions me nor does he ever talk about his family.

Well, guess I’m spending the rest of the night working on my to do list. I’ll come back answering your questions tomorrow.

They plan to spend their life together in the us (including my kid)

I'm not sure what country you are in now and how the laws work but I would definitely see an attorney immediately to nip this plan in the bud. You want to make sure your lawyer knows about the plan to take your child out of the country and helps you stop that. Lots of people have lost contact with their children for years trying to fight custody battles internationally. Put a stop to this part of the fantasy immediately.

Wow that's an extra level of betrayal on top of everything else. To take your child away? I'm going to hit the heavy bag for a few minutes just because I read that.

Focus on the attorney and what your legal options are while archiving evidence is great. However, what are you doing for your own mental health? Did you take a walk today? Ride a bike? Get some ice cream?

You need something to give yourself a break. You need it. Your kid needs you to take it too.

They plan to spend their life together in the us (including my kid)

Just thinking along with you, feel free to ignore this post.

Of course, this is the moment where you will buy one of those waterproof markers with invisible ink that can be purchased very cheap to proof that material belongings are yours after theft, and write in her passport "child kidnapper" and "sex offender" and "If with child, return child to authorities of country of origin". DO NOT state 'father' in the text, then it will point to you directly and you may be punishable by law.

The text will light up in the blue light of the customs agent at the US border and she will, hopefully, not be allowed entry into the US. You can also make a few scratches on the passport, or scratch off part of one of the passport numbers or anything, to ensure that the US customs agent will have a very good look at the passport, and hopefully will deny entry into the US then and forever.

If you live in one of those European countries where children should have their own passports by law, including young children, it is even more easy, when you declare the child after birth and make the request for the passport, it will forever be in your safekeeping.

I wish you well, strength!

Just form a really tight plan and stick to it. He sounds like an absolute scumbag. I feel so disappointed for you. You are doing really well to hold it all together. I admire your strength.

Get a lawyer and prepare a case to get as much custody as you can.

[This message edited by Smillie at 10:12 AM, April 26th (Thursday)]

Thanks for the update.

According to email records when did the affair start? How is it going on finding his wife? How soon after the baby is born does your WW go back to work? Do you ever see his phone number in your phone records?

Seems like they’ve exchanged 183 emails, 2 videos and 5 pictures today.

that's insane. Normally, I tell you to collect the evidence and not read the emails but... she is so off I'd worry she might plan something crazy. Did a quick check and read that it's not recommend to fly after 20 - 24 weeks but that some airlines will let you fly up until 36 weeks.

You really need to see a lawyer and get your "What if" plan laid out. I also don't want to get you thinking that your wife is 100% living an exit affair. Many (primarily) email affairs are just fantasy for at least one of the participants. The fact that they aren't talking about anything "real" husband, wife, divorce, his two kids, money, bills... means they are steering away from any "sticky" subjects enjoying a fantasy.

Since you don't plan to confront for at least two more months I'd find out more about OM. Once you have posted 50 times a new forum will open up called investigative tips. Don't pay any of those random sites for information.

Consider doing a 180 (healing library) to help detach. You do not need to be at her beck and call during this pregnancy and detaching will be better for you emotionally.

Consider seeing an IC. Holding all of this inside can't be healthy.

babypuke, Smilie: Thank you so much for giving me strength!

Freeme:

According to email records when did the affair start?

Since my WW informed me about her vacation plans around christmas last year I assume that it started there. Periodically she deletes all here emails so I can only research back until beginning of March.

How is it going on finding his wife?

I searched on pipl thanks to Smilie pointing out that site to me. There is somebody with that name which is categorized as "familiy". There seems to be no facebook but a linkedin account. Yet I'm not sure if this is her.

How soon after the baby is born does your WW go back to work?

She may start working again eight weeks after giving birth. However, by law she can stay at home for 24 month receiving parental benefits.

Do you ever see his phone number in your phone records?

No, my router will notify me about incoming and outgoing calls from our landline. WW has her own mobile plan, so I cannot see her phone records besides stealing her phone (in one of the few moments when she doesn't have a death grip on it) and look it up in there. But she might empty the log. They are arranging facetime dates over email though. There seems to be a call tomorrow morning/afternoon (depending on the applied time zone)...

Sometimes I get the impression that my WW is only living out a fantasy, some sort of adventure. However they sometimes talk about how he spends his weeksends with his daughter (indicator for him being either divorced, in the middle of getting a divorce or at least living at another place then the rest of the family) and how living together will be. How my wife plans another kid, but this time with the AP. Where to live etc.

There is a slowly growing decision for me that R is completely out of the question. Also because of yesterdays flood of emails...

Since you don't plan to confront for at least two more months I'd find out more about OM. Once you have posted 50 times a new forum will open up called investigative tips

50 Posts? Wow, that will take some time, but I get why SI is doing this.

Sorry if this has been discussed but have you started to work with an attorney so you know your rights, especially parental rights of being in delivery (if things blow up before the birth) and after the baby is born (keeping her from taking the child out of country)?

BathroomFloor I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your WW took what should have been the happiest time of your life and crushed it. I don't see how you could R with someone who could be this callous.

Even though you think this may be your child, DO NOT sign that birth certificate until you get a DNA test done to ensure the baby is yours. This may be the first time she cheated on you, but you have no way of knowing that. She could have been cheating with someone else around the time she conceived.

Nobody can blame you for feeling the way you do about the split. I always felt that any kind of physical A would mean I was out the door. My situation was already set on D (left for other reasons) by the time I found out about my STBXW A(s).

However, after reading as much as I have here I've changed my opinion to be that I can't be sure because there were many others like me with their mind made up about getting a D if there Spouse strayed and things worked out a bit differently when it actually happened.

The depth of the betrayal and the way you are suffering from the knowledge but being able to confront gives your situation has got to be such a grueling and heart-wrenching extension of suffering I would imagine that R would be even more difficult given the circumstance. It almost sounds like your D-day started when you found out like most of us but with you, it hasn't actually ended because of your situation and needs to collect for legal reasons. I guess in a way nobody's D-day ever really "ends" since it's essentially an "end" to most people's Marriage. Still though in the fact that she is planning (fantasyland or not) in stealing your child away from you and that'll turn my knuckles white every time.

I'm only asking again because of how important I think it is: What are you doing to take care of yourself?

There is a slowly growing decision for me that R is completely out of the question. Also because of yesterdays flood of emails...

BR,

Slowly growing? At this point, how can you even be considering R? Where is your anger? You don't need any more evidence.

I see that you have two valid choices.

1- If you want to delay confronting her until after the baby is born, fine; but you should do that only if you have decided to divorce her no matter what. Then, you have the time to put together an exit plan. That way you can confront her, expose her, and have served in one fell swoop after the birth.

2- If you think there is a chance you would consider R in the future; confront her now. She doesn't get a free pass to continue to cheat, lie, and deceive you just because she's pregnant (unless she has a medically verified problem pregnancy). You still go ahead and start the divorce process; and take the time before it's final to see if she's willing to earn a second chance. Then you can make the decision to R or D.

[This message edited by badmemory at 1:21 PM, April 26th (Thursday)]

They plan to spend their life together in the us (including my kid)

This, BR, ought to make your blood run cold. You need to address this and have a solid plan.

I like this-

Of course, this is the moment where you will buy one of those waterproof markers with invisible ink that can be purchased very cheap to proof that material belongings are yours after theft, and write in her passport "child kidnapper" and "sex offender" and "If with child, return child to authorities of country of origin". DO NOT state 'father' in the text, then it will point to you directly and you may be punishable by law.

The text will light up in the blue light of the customs agent at the US border and she will, hopefully, not be allowed entry into the US. You can also make a few scratches on the passport, or scratch off part of one of the passport numbers or anything, to ensure that the US customs agent will have a very good look at the passport, and hopefully will deny entry into the US then and forever.

If you live in one of those European countries where children should have their own passports by law, including young children, it is even more easy, when you declare the child after birth and make the request for the passport, it will forever be in your safekeeping.

I disagree with you their badmemory. I think the baby is the thing that has to come first and any confrontation could potentially hurt the baby. You may be right that there's no way back from this but it's still Bathroom floor's call to make. I would agree that he needs to plan like D is the only option because that's the way you're supposed to do it either way. If she doesn't show remorse etc. etc. etc. there's no way to R anyway and that's not up to him but if she does that or not.