SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

4 years post d-day and the comparison crap still enters my mind from time to time. You'll get through it, and it will get easier to dismiss from your thoughts. Remind yourself that the allure of the affair was that it was something different, not something better. You were and are better. You were loyal and faithful.

If you haven't done so, please tell the OW's spouse the details of the affair. And don't tell your WH you are doing it. It's the right thing to do, and the longer you wait the harder it will be.

Ap’s are ugly people on the inside, regardless of what their physical appearance is.

I know I am better than mow in every way. Every single way.

It doesn’t necessarily stop me from trying to figure out why my wh would go there instead of to me but I know why really. It was the go kibbles during he was completely messed up at the time.

The problem is that when he tells me I am beautiful, it means nothing to me now. Whether he thinks that or not, itndisnt atop him from hurting me by turning to another woman.

In the end, I know my wh doesn’t deserve me but I love him.

I obsessed over mow and why he would turn to her for anything for a long time and I don’t any longer. She really could have and would have been anyone else that was willing. She is an ugly person inside and out and I know I am better person in every way. She no longer takes up any space in my brain.

I can only tell you that for me, it took time and really understanding that it would have been anyone willing to spread their legs and that I am a much better person to get

To a place of indifference towards her.

If you look at this thread (love some of the answers by the way) you will see that overwhelmingly the APs do not begin to compare, and that's before you even consider they are a POS AP.

In my case the OM was, factually, less successful, less well-off, was in the midst of a messy divorce because his wife couldn't stand his self-centred behaviour any more, was depressive, owned an apartment in massive negative equity, had few friends, no social life and had become embittered with life.

I score higher on every scale. So clearly that's not the issue.

They affair down because they need a person who provides all the ego stroking, adulation and validation they crave, and who puts up with a second-hand, cheating version of themselves.

And you get that from your inferiors, not your equals.

As a final point, it's also why once a WS comes out the other side they commonly and genuinely say "I can't believe I risked everything for..."

I'm three years out now and while I still would not pee on the OM if he was on fire by the same token I rarely think of him and I certainly don't compare us in my head - he/she are not the point, our WS are where the attention needs to focus.

My H told me his 2 PA could have been "with anyone willing" and from the looks of it, that seems to be the case But I beat myself up for years with comparison to the educated one i felt most similar to. Now I see her as pathetic as she is still single at 50, childless, humiliated that she was publicly outed by me and unceremoniuosly dumped by my H.

But it is hard not to feel that they were chosen over us, because they were. For that time they got to have the adoration of our WS, got to be the center of the universe. We were an afterthought, not tespected or consulted. So many violations of our sense of decency and personhood. But once you heal more fully, the need to obses on the comparisons quiets substantially. A healthy mind does not need to spend its time that way. So as long as you are comparing yourself to the OW, you are still early in your healing journey.

Making yourself the best you possible is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

[This message edited by psychmom at 7:14 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]