SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dee, the man you married never existed. It was all a facade. You see him as he really is now, so you will never get that man back.

We never really get the entire truth about the As, so in all honesty, it probably went on longer than you realize. We BS never get the truth, unless we are fortunate enough to have a spouse who will take a poly. You are going to have to accept that this is who he is, and what he did. It truly sucks. Can you live the rest of your life with this knowledge? It is something all of us have to decide.

I think my biggest problem would be having to constantly worry about him falling back into it. Also, I question the character of a person who would use another human being, prostitute or not, they are humans, typically addicts, or women down on their luck. Apparently, they aren't very hard to find, either, and he is likely to cover his tracks very well.

This really is the Shit Sandwich that people talk about having to eat.

Yes, set me straight. This man has character flaws for miles to have been capable of any of this. He may act "nice", but that's just the surface on top of a whole lot of fucked up.

You're right, I don't wanna live waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to be with someone whom I have to even worry about cheating or doing drugs. No one who loves me could do that.

As best as my investigation could tell, I have the timeframe. But no, I don't really believe that all of a sudden he started doing cheater stuff. I'm all but positive that there was more before.

I must admit, some of the posts I have gotten on my threads by NoMercy have gotten a “Take what you need and leave the rest” kinda feeling. Even if I wasnt in a good place to listen what NoMercy was saying, I still need to hear it. Keep it real!

If I had posted at the beginning of this and I had No Mercy on my side. I would have divorced. :). I wouldn’t have had that moment of weakness....thinking about seeing my kids only half the time.

Yes. The whole inspiration of the thread was me sitting here thinking that I actually missed him and going "Okay now dumbass, what would NoMercy say?" lol. WWNMD.

Dee.I knew this thread was gonna get kicked around Abit so I had to check in

I was married amost 21 years when the shit box exploded.Tonight I shut the ego kibbles,Scooby snacks whatever you want to call them Down.Step back detach.It will end up better

It was really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that he was not the person I thought he was. None of what my husband did was an accident. He, like yours, set out to cheat. He knew it would destroy me and our family, and said screw it, and went ahead and d's it anyway. Now, I sit here figuring out how to put it all back together. The funny thing is, all along, I thought he was the better of the two of us, but it was all a lie. I still shake my head at what he was capable of doing.

I think this site will be of help to you.

Not No Mercy and since she wasn't around when I would have needed her, I read a ton of books and wrote down specific parts that spoke to me. I highly recommend "The Science of Happily Ever After" - had I read it before marriage (it wasn't around then), I hopefully would have recognized red flags and called the wedding off.

There has been quite a bit of scientific experiments and observations being done around relationships. This book distills quite a bit of that research into easily understandable information. I highly recommend it!

Here is a quote that helped me: "People don't really change, but they can become more aware of how they typically respond to situations and can push themselves to alter their natural responses...when choosing a romantic partner, what you see is what you get. Forever. Why would you go into a marriage relying only upon a partner's willingness to manage their negative traits, rather than choose someone from the start who gives your relationship the best chance of success?"

Despite what wishful thinkers want to believe, or what unscrupulous people try to sell, people can't really change their core personality. Once you hit mid-20s, you're pretty much set. I suggest you make a list of all the reasons you are leaving him, and read the above quote, along with that list, whenever you think about contacting him or taking him back.

You've got this.

This above post hits it.I posted in recon on my very first post here my Good mistake in long run.I wish somoene said go to JFO.F$#@ at that time it had been 2 months since I Found Out.and I dindnt know where I was Who I Was.Brainfuck at the best

Sorry if I think/j

Here is a quote that helped me: "People don't really change, but they can become more aware of how they typically respond to situations and can push themselves to alter their natural responses...when choosing a romantic partner, what you see is what you get. Forever. Why would you go into a marriage relying only upon a partner's willingness to manage their negative traits, rather than choose someone from the start who gives your relationship the best chance of success?"

That. Is. Awesome. Puts it all in perspective.

Damn again pHmh I hope everyone here or not here reads that one Time.Good stuff.

((DevastatedDee)))

I was quite touched to see this thread - which took all the steam out of my sails and made me all humble, dang it!

I didn't see the website that was recommended as I found this thread too late and it was already deleted, but I know exactly which one it is. I'm flattered that someone thought I was the lady in question but alas, I am not. But I'm very glad you were given the resource!

I actually admire you a lot. I say that because you had the good sense to not let this charade go on year after year after year hoping for that miraculous day the heavens would open, the angels would sing from on high and he would suddenly become the man he should have always been. Sadly, that usually only happens in the movies. And I think you also know that sure as the sun rises in the east, you'd always have more D-Days and worse, more chaos and devastation due to his drug habit.

I completely agree with pnmh:

"People don't really change, but they can become more aware of how they typically respond to situations and can push themselves to alter their natural responses...when choosing a romantic partner, what you see is what you get. Forever. Why would you go into a marriage relying only upon a partner's willingness to manage their negative traits, rather than choose someone from the start who gives your relationship the best chance of success?"

I've found this to be true more times than I care to admit. My second serial cheated had married too young (he was a mere 18 years old) and had pretty much cheated on his wife their entire 20 year marriage. At the end, she turned the tables and had an affair with his best friend and he appeared humbled and taken down a few pegs. When we got together, he told me he wanted to lead an honest, authentic life going forward this time and would be SO glad not to be engaging in constant sneaking and deceit anymore like he'd done for the last 20 years.

He seemed so sincere I really believed him.

But, true to form, serial cheaters don't change. After a year and a half I started observing shady behavior but could never find that one piece of evidence that would nail him to the wall. All I had were my suspicions, some instances where things simply didn't add up, and the occasional gut feeling but I had nothing solid.

At the 3 year mark, I booted him out the door. I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life lying in wait, waiting for him to screw up so I could finally catch him. That's not why I was put on this earth - to put my own damned life on hold and spend every waking moment spying and monitoring and policing a serial cheater.

And that's what your life would be like if you'd stayed, Dee. Constantly policing him, monitoring his whereabouts, being suspicious, dealing with your gut always screaming to you, worried about all the bad things that usually befall people addicted to drugs (legal as well as illegal), and the constant fear that he would be careless and foolish enough to bring home a really bad STD that would risk your health or your life.

THAT'S what your life would have been like, every single day, if you'd chosen to stay. But you were wise enough to realize that and you very smartly shut this shit show DOWN (said in my best Negan/Walking Dead voice).

The day is coming when your thankfulness at having gotten out of this train-wreck will FAR outweigh any feelings you still have of missing him and wanting him back. I promise you, that day WILL come.

Thanks - I'm glad it helped someone else. I picked up that book when I was dating again after divorcing WXH (and having no luck finding a partner.)

I wasn't reading it to help process WXH's cheating and our subsequent divorce (I'd read dozens of other books for that) but it really helped me in that area anyway. And, it helped me realize what was important in a romantic partner, which led me to finding the most amazing guy who I've been dating for 2.5 years now. (I probably would have nexted him early on if I hadn't read this book and missed out on something amazing.)

It just really reinforces to believe it when people show you who they are!

No Mercy, I adore you. Thank you. You said every single thing that I needed to hear and that I know is true. I've heard the "I want to live an authentic life full of integrity" too, and that lasted a few months. There is nothing happy about a relationship where I'd have to monitor and live on the edge all the time. I did this for 14 months:

And that's what your life would be like if you'd stayed, Dee. Constantly policing him, monitoring his whereabouts, being suspicious, dealing with your gut always screaming to you, worried about all the bad things that usually befall people addicted to drugs (legal as well as illegal), and the constant fear that he would be careless and foolish enough to bring home a really bad STD that would risk your health or your life.

That was more than long enough.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!

I’m hearing that you need to do some good self-care. Maybe every time you think about something he did in the past that you liked, you can do something nice for yourself or with someone who is showing you real love.

This is part of your history and of course there were good times, too. But there will be a heck of a lot more good times when they’re not drowning in the sea of terrible selfishness and a complete lack of self-control.

That guy doesn’t deserve your best, and so you tried to hold yourself back hoping he could deserve that. He answered “Nope.” Now you’re free to be your true self and use everything you’ve learned. It’s always disorienting, getting out of prison! I’m PRETTY confident you won’t feel that way forever 😉

I know I’m doing the right thing when I turn off my emotions and ask myself: Out of what I can control, which option is fueled by my best intentions? You’re creating stability for your family, a better future for yourself, and you’re even starting to let go of your anger! This is so positive. Now all you have to do is support your own decision! You’re doing amazing.

Thank you, moralhighground! That's a really good idea. Treat myself nicely when I miss anything about him that was nice. I think I've healed more in the past two weeks than I had in the entire time since DDay. Being around him was holding me back.

I recommend buying a dog. They require attention and care to satisfy your need for a dependent but they treat you with SO much love and appreciation in return.

Funny part is that I've been taking one of my dogs on Saturday dates, lol. 10 lbs of pure sweet love, though he makes me pay every time. He's a rescued Chihuahua/Pit Bull mix (I don't know why anyone would do that on purpose). I've promoted him to "man of the house".

I think he's cool with being my main guy for the time being. I really don't know how I'd have gotten through this without my dogs.