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After a long day of emailing, of all things, she has agreed to stop all contact outside of the game I'm not sure and will have no way to know for sure. It's obvious she's bothered by it and mad at me, but I refused to demand it from her I made it so she had to make the call.

It's something I suppose. I'm just going to keep conversation light and not directly about us until she starts the dialogue. I also offered to go to counseling with her, again letting her roll the ball forward I'm not going to push.

If there is no sincerity in the effort I need to keep working on me and demand better from and for my life. The information and your kind posts have helped me realize this is critical regardless of whether we continue forward together.

I cannot say enough how appreciative I am of your thoughts and opinions around my situation, the softer ones and the harder more direct posts.

I,ll just give space for a week or two and see where we land at that point while working in the library and getting back to finding some happiness and joy for myself.

I think you need to set the boundary.

Tell her if she likes games that's fine. There are literally 1,000 of others ones she can play.

You were betrayed by her actions in this game and if she wants to restore your trust in her she has to quit.

Brother, I'm sorry this is happening its unfair but don't minimize this. Your WS is seeking intimacy outside of your M and if you don't put your foot down HARD. She's going to walk all over you and feel entitled to do it again and again and again.

You have to set the boundaries and impose consequences when she violates them.

It's obvious she's bothered by it and mad at me, but I refused to demand it from her I made it so she had to make the call.

Okay while you are reading the healing library it should become crystal clear to you that this is really scary to see. When you come back you should be able to tell me why.

So when you get back...

Do you understand why?

Do you know what you have to do?

Stay Strong,

While you're engaging in this "wait and see" strategy, why not employ the 180? Step back a bit, concentrate on self-care and improving yourself, and AVOID THE PICK ME DANCE. It shows weakness... and weakness gets exploited. She needs to be wondering if you're going to leave her. She needs to experience some insecurity.

It's kind of like the juxtaposition of joy and sadness, in that without sadness, how does one recognize joy? She's pretty sure you're not "going out for milk". She needs to be a whole lot less certain of that. Without insecurity, how can she truly appreciate what it means to be secure in her partner's love?

You don't have to be mean about it. You don't have to have shouting matches or make threats. Just step back. Put your energy into thinking about what makes YOU happy. What do you like about yourself? How can you improve your inner view and love yourself even better? Stuff like that. Let her flounder a bit and don't rush in to offer atta-girls. Allow her to fully experience her own misgivings and doubts.

She will never start the dialogue on this issue. It will go against her self-interest of keeping the attention given to her in her fantasy life and also keeping you around too. She'll want to rugsweep and keep doing what she's doing, with no regard about whether it hurts you.

Your personal concern about setting her boundaries is misplaced. In this case it's not about setting her boundaries, it's about setting your boundaries. What are your boundaries? What will you accept?

To continue playing the game is a clear betrayal. It keeps the door open to more dishonesty and deception. Are you saying you have no boundaries of your own in regards to what is and isn't acceptable behavior from a wife.

Quit worrying about the notion of forcing her to make decisions. Focus on making your own decisions for yourself. What will you accept and what will you not accept. Then she is free to make her own choices to respect your boundaries or not.

Your WW is having an emotional affair. Your WW enjoys flirting with OM, she enjoys the banter, the ego nuggets she gets from their relationship. She doesn’t want to stop. She believes that since she is not physical with him, and since she is open with him about being married and not planning to cheat… that she is not cheating. The problem is that an emotional affair is cheating also. Examples of how this is still cheating:

- She lies.

- She is literally "pretending to be married to OM" (if I understand the "game" right)

- Taking time away from you her husband and kids to spend with OM.

- Giving OM emotional “stuff” that is meant for her husband. (flirting, venting, date nights)

- You have told her that her relationship with him causes you pain. She has chosen to ignore your pain.

- She knows that he is interested in more than an emotional affair and yet she continues to flirt with him.

- She is also being highly manipulative. Telling you that you are over reacting to what is clearly an emotional affair.

Just to turn the tables. If you were to ask her if she would mind you having a similar relationship with a single female that was really into you. Would she be fine if you were constantly on the phone/computer with her? If you shared how WW emotional affair was affecting you, about other problems in your marriage? If you flirted, texted her more often than you WW? Is this the type of marriage she really wants to have? One where you both have separate friends that you share your emotional secrets with? one where you both have relationship secrets that you keep from each other? One where you continually hurt your life partner? One where your marriage continues to dies because you can’t have a marriage with three or even four people in it. That she might not want to see it but her relationship with OM is killing your marriage because of the attention she is taking from you and giving to OM.

Some questions for you? Does your WW work outside the home? Im fine with SAHM's for the kids sake but not when the WW is spending all that time on the computer fulfilling a "digital marriage."

Did they send pictures/video's of each other? Have you checked your phone bill to see how often they have been intouch outside of the game?

I'm just going to keep conversation light and not directly about us until she starts the dialogue.

It sounds like your plan is to rug sweep. Try to forget that while you are working she might be calling/texting/emailing contacting OM. While this sounds like the calmest plan it's going to take an emotional toll on you and be exactly what she wants. Why would she bring up something that she is addicted to?

If you start reading some of the threads on here you will notice that the people that take a firm stand are the ones that end the affair with the least amount of damage to the marriage. Read fareasts thread. They separated but it was only when he began the divorce process that his WW opened her eyes to what she was about to lose. Talk to a lawyer, find out what you need to do. Get your ducks in a row. When couples separate the WW tend to take it as a vacation when the thought of divorce creeps in they realize it could be over.

I know it's a big jump from asking if you are overreacting to a "game" to talking to a lawyer but... it's just a fact finding mission. You can stop the process at any time. It's one way of letting your WW know that this marriage is real and can end.

Look, you letting her make decisions in this is letting her keep control.

YOU need to be in control of YOUR life!

Set your boundaries and tell her what they are, be plain about it, don't be wishy washy, be firm.

If she rejects your boundaries, which she likely will because she isn't owning her actions, then file for D and mean it.

Honestly, I don't, and never have understood the fascination with gaming...people need to engage in the real world, with real people, doing real things. Its physically and mentally unhealthy.

I was about to write my own response, when I read DIFM's. It's right on point, so I will post it again:

Your personal concern about setting her boundaries is misplaced. In this case it's not about setting her boundaries, it's about setting your boundaries. What are your boundaries? What will you accept?

To continue playing the game is a clear betrayal. It keeps the door open to more dishonesty and deception. Are you saying you have no boundaries of your own in regards to what is and isn't acceptable behavior from a wife.

Quit worrying about the notion of forcing her to make decisions. Focus on making your own decisions for yourself. What will you accept and what will you not accept. Then she is free to make her own choices to respect your boundaries or not.

The problem is, unfortunately, that you are being reactive instead of proactive. Your wife has crossed marital and intimate boundaries. She has allowed a 3rd party into your marriage without your knowledge or consent. She has hidden, lied, and then blamed you upon your discovery. That, my friend, is the definition of infidelity. If you were uncertain before, I hope that the members here have clarified this for you.

One of the most important things that you do NOT have control of is to make your wife stop this behavior, and recommit to the marriage. One other thing that you do not get to dictate is the settlement of divorce. You do not get to keep your children and all of your finances. But other than that, most items are in your control. You don't need to tolerate this behavior. It's emotional cruelty. It's terrible boundaries. As stated before....it's infidelity.

So work toward ending it. It was stated that both your path to Reconciliation or Divorce are the exact same right now. It starts with enforcing YOUR boundaries. How she responds to this will help determine your future path.

Do you really believe she will stop cheating with him outside the game? She is dishonest. She will likely utilize another method. She is addicted to him / EAs. She needs professional help IMHO to come to grips with her need to remain in the affair and when one is over start a new one. How is the continued contact in the game not cheating? Why are you willing to share your wife with other men? What will you say when she wants to meet him or someone else she meets online in real life. Why are you willing to allow her to treat you this way? Follow the advice given you by previous posters.

Borrow some balls.

You must be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it.

After a long day of emailing, of all things, she has agreed to stop all contact outside of the game

This is a lie. She will just find a way to talk to him that you can't track. She'll use WhatsApp or Kik or any of a hundred other messaging apps. I suppose you don't have access to her phone to monitor this stuff so you are trusting her on this?

I'm sorry she won't stop. This will end with the two of them getting together physically at some point. She has probably already sent him pictures of herself and they may not have been G-rated. Are they friends on FB?

I'm not quite sure why you are so passive on this. This young Belgian guy is figuratively walking into your house in front of you and stealing your wife and you are sitting back and watching it happen. She should disable her account and never go on this game again. Why does she continue to do something that brings you pain? This is important to ask her. Someone that loves you would not deliberately inflict pain on you for something like this. They would stop immediately. She does this because you allow it. Why you allow it is a mystery to me. You are unhappy. Stop this now one way or the other or come back in a few months when she has met Mr Belgium in person and you are dealing with a physical affair.

I am following your comments and understand the concern especially you Midnight

Borrow some balls.

I know myself and letting her do whatever over the next 2 weeks while I work on me. This is going to show if she walks the walk.

I will know I gave every chance and when I "go for milk" I can do so w. a clear conscious and a clean slate knowing she made the decision, I just chose a better future for myself.

I do not have access to the phone and am unable to monitor it nor will I. She isn't transparent on phones and email, I'm not ignoring red flags here I'm hardening my heart up for the walk and getting my ducks in a row.

I dont need to monitor anymore there are too many ques and she can at best keep up appearances for an hour or two. I'm pretty much dead inside right now. I know where this is truly going I'm not blind. He got a cookie today and I didn't so the insult to injury is hardening the heart up in short order and I need the pain to prevent ever allowing this again. If it was a 'he's in my house' kind of thing it would be over in short order.

Here’s the thing, though.

Nothing is goin to change in two weeks except you’re going to get more damaged. That’s not hardening resolve, that’s pain shopping.

You need to get out of infidelity now. Take action.

Once you’re out of infidelity you have plenty of time to assess what the landscape looks like, but just know what people are trying to say is that things will get much, much worse in these newt two weeks.

You are right shark and so are so many others here on multiple points. I am unfortunately in a spot where I have no one. This is the only support I have found in this mess. My moms older and not in the best of health so I cannot, will not trouble her with this.

I know what I'm up against but I have squat because I handle all the major bills. So there is no simply finding somewhere and getting/moving away.

I know she isn't following what she's said and is delaying it and has no intention of stopping this just finding better ways of hiding it. Please believe me folks, I KNOW this.

A lot of this started due to her past and intimacy issues, because for some people life is a little shittier than for others. It was a way to experience intimacy without touch and it helped our situation at home, for awhile, but then developed a life of it's own.

I cannot fix what she does not want to fix the fact she even logs in with all of this going on speaks volumes and you're right, it is hard, it is painful and will likely get worse in the next two weeks. I have very few options. I'll keep myself busy and work on my self esteem because right now thats whats been devastated the most.

I am finishing up the divorce paperwork this morning and have an attorney that will notarize and serve for a nominal fee of course. She'll have the 30 days to decide what she wants to do and make changes, but I can tell her heart and mind are so fogged she isn't even trying to use any amount of self control.

She's tried to turn it around stating the last 10 years x,y, z.Also jumping to lay blame for things a decade or more old, anything she can get a response from me on.. I literally feel like a cold dead corpse walking and have for a day or better.

So she is already working on rewriting the history, in her head at least, there has been some gaslighting and I expect that will continue or increase. Again I have no one save my aged mother who I cannot tell about this until it's resolved. The primer information is just spot on in so many aspects...

How healthy is your marriage? Were you two in love, still? Were you having sex regularly?

From my chair, it seems to be a roommate marriage. Just there, existing to make it to the next day.

Is this a marriage worth saving?

Deepfeeler: my D-Day was about a year ago, and my situation was similar to yours in that I was dealing with an online EA that lasted about 5 weeks.

In my case, there was no previous history of similar behavior with my wife of 20+ years. I went from suspicion to evidence gathering to confrontation within 2 weeks. This might have gone a little quicker had I known about SI at the time.

During confrontation, I told her what my expectations were moving forward. I told her to leave the house, think about it, and come back with her answer. Within 2 hours, the NC was already established, she agreed to full transparency with the phone & all online accounts, and drafted a remorseful letter. I can definitively say that anything less than that would have proven to me that she didn't give a sh*t, and would have ended our marriage.

Your wife doesn't seem to care, and you can't force her to. I agree that it's time to D.

After a long day of emailing, of all things, she has agreed to stop all contact outside of the game

Not good enough. This douche bag is a threat to your marriage. If she can't cut all contact with some loser internet game player that is a direct threat to her marriage then she puts very little value on the marriage. Seriously. This game and this loser are more valuable to her than her marriage. Think about that.

Women like your wife, who has shown no real remorse, don't respect men perceived as weak and waivering.

Has she always held the upper hand?

And, by the way, don't hide behind excuses. For example: her past, your limited options, etc.

Let me be straight: It's bullshit.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 3:26 PM, May 21st (Monday)]

DF:

Keep on your path you are currently traveling. Have her served when you are ready.

When she tries to turn things back on you, you can say to her: “I’m sorry you feel that way, and if we were working on the marriage, I would be glad to discuss those things with you. But it is clear you have chosen your online relationships over your real one, over your Marriage, and so I will proceed to move on as you have already done yourself.”

Only talk about finances when if necessary and continue to detach and move on with your life.

If she comes out of it and asks to truly work on thinks, you can decide what you want to do, but as long as she’s giving More of herself to this virtual man than she’s giving to you, her husband then there’s nothing else you can do.

Stay strong.