SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Godheals,

Please accept my apology for misinterpreting your post.

I guess one thing to say for sure is that if if the OP feels balance of faults is necessary before any reconciliation attempt, based on the small scale data here, that will not happen.

The one thing that's absolute is that MC is not a place to place blame and IC is really a place to look at yourself, so if they really want to move forward (debatable if its a good idea) its not really going to come up.

Also, I find it telling that you refer to sex with your husband as “performing your wifely duties” and that, apparently, the pictures were his idea and you went along with it.

IMO, time apart and IC would be beneficial. Connect with others, like the Al Anon group suggested upthread, who’ve found themselves in similar situations. Work on yourself, with the understanding that you can only control you and your husband may not quit drinking. Alcohol is a hell of a drug.

You both did bad things.

Though their are children. So being your BH wants

you back I would say tell him the requirements

are: not MC but IC for the both of you, AA for your

BH.

Has your BH been able to hold a job?

The pictures were both of our ideas..I did it to please him, but I didn't expect him to share them as betray my trust.. He's changed now and pays attention to me and stopped the alcohol.. He had a great job and is well liked.. But he keeps throwing it in my face that because I slept with another man I was unfaithful.. But he wasn't by posting nude pics?? He doesn't get it, or maybe I don't..I want to be with the new person he is, but until he realizes that both of us were unfaithful, it's hard to accept him

Did he send those nude pictures to another woman (or another man he was interested in sexually)? If not, he wasn't unfaithful.

Honestly, it seems more like your marriage trudged along and got bad for multiple reasons, and this was the excuse you used for cheating. It's pretty common for people if affairs to try to justify what they're doing.

This picture was posted ten years ago, and you chose to stay. Did you say, "I'm staying, but we have an open marriage now?" Did you expect him to stay faithful? I think there are practical ways you can check and see if you're lying to yourself, and it's important to figure out because you won't heal unless you're telling yourself the truth.

Should you head back into a marriage you cheated to get out of? Your husband is getting clean. You shouldn't do anything to interfere with that for your kids' sake, and if you go back and start demanding he's responsible for your cheating, that's what will happen. Your kids have suffered enough. Let him get healthy. You focus on you getting healthy. Be the best parents you can be together, and down the line, if you're both interested, you can try again.

Good luck.

It might not have been infidelity, but IMO it was a HUGE betrayal. Like, with off the charts disrespect. If he’s not owning that, I don’t see how R can happen.

He doesn't get it, or maybe I don't..I want to be with the new person he is, but until he realizes that both of us were unfaithful, it's hard to accept him

I don't think that either of you "gets it."

You both did something horribly awful. It is completely irrelevant which of the acts is worse. Simultaneously, in the matter of "which is worse," there is no consensus opinion (see previous responses here).

Both of you need to get past this question of "who is worse?" before you have any hope of fixing things.

I believe that by sharing those pictures without your permission he betrayed you. Is it infidelity? idk. But here's the thing - you two are in a fight over who did something worse than the other.

You EACH need to take responsibility for YOUR OWN behavior, without regard to any measure of how bad you think the other's behavior is/was.

Stop going in this circle. The next time he 'throws it in your face', TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR BETRAYAL OF HIM. Do NOT engage with him over whether you believe that what he did was just as bad/worse. You should only discuss one betrayal at a time, because each of you has a separate pain to get through.

Stop with the fruitless arguments. Just stop it. Do you want to make progress in your relationship and your healing? Then please follow the advice you are receiving here. What he did was creepy and a betrayal (and possibly illegal). That should never have happened. You betraying him does not even up the score, whether he wants to think that or not. It sounds that he is not ready to hear that yet. But that doesn't mean that you can't take responsibility for your betrayal of him.

no stop sign.

Both acts are bad.

But for the husband, Was there a EA or PA?

for you PA. EA too?

Not the same.

I’m honestly blown away at some of these responses that think that posting nude pics of her while engaging in oral sex on him is not as bad as her A because there wasn’t an emotional aspect for him.

He pimped her out!!! That is as abusive as it gets.

Girl, he has more issues than his drinking.

This pissing contest of who is worse is irrelevant.

Why did you tell him you slept with some dude? Did you want him to kick you out?

I’m an advocate of reconciliation for almost all but If he doesn’t see how wrong he was by posting those pictures of you then how is there a way forward?

He sees posting the pics as wrong, but he says I did the act that was worse..I slept with the guy cuz it was my way out of the marriage..I flat out told him, wanting him to be angry and leave me.. It backfired on me and he changed his ways and said he loves me and we can work things out... Now I'm stumped and hoping he stays a straight line and if he does, we can work things out.. But a huge issue is the pictures..I have a hard time forgiving him

My opinion is probably not going to be the popular opinion. For 10 years he had no answer as to why he “whored you out to the internet.” He allowed you to feel like a “sex object only”for 10 years. No emotional connection, just booty after drinking. Then, when you sleep with some other guy, he gets the wake up call. But still thinks you sleeping with a guy a couple of times, with the purpose of getting kicked out of the house-and ending the marriage-is worse than 10 years of accumulated pain, humiliation, and debasement.

IMO, you owe him nothing. IMO, your focus needs to be you and the children. If he can get the help he needs, and y’all can get the help you need from a MC and mend all those burned bridges, then more power to you. IMO, if he doesn’t get it and doesn’t get FULLY the extent of what he’s done to you, then there isn’t a way forward with true reconciliation. Take all the time you need because any decision you make doesn’t have to be made on anyone’s timeline except your own.

Like I said, I don’t think this will be a popular opinion. An affair to end a marriage isn’t the answer to anyone’s problems in that marriage, but I can see how you did feel trapped at the time.

The only way you can move forward, is if you stop doing this:

BH: "Yes, I know that I did wrong posting these pictures, but you fucked OM, blah blah blah"

WW (you): "But I did it because you are alcoholic, because you posted my pictures, I wanted out, and besides, pictures were also betrayal, you broke my trust, blah blah blah".

You have to start doing this:

BH: "Yes, I know that posting these pictures was very wrong and hurt you. I also know that my drinking is destroying us. I will be working on myself to fix my issues and find out what drove me to post these pictures"

WW: "I had an affair, I hurt you very much. I will be working on myself to find out why I choose to cheat instead of taking a honest way out (separation /divorce). I'm going to fix the character traits that led me to such choice".

See the difference?

And, BTW, it doesn't matter if you D or R, "working on yourself" is never wasted.

It looks like he already started doing work on himself. Did you?

This was 10 years ago???

Of course he don’t want to owe up to this because his been getting away with this for so long He thinks after this long nothing should come about this. Now his seeing your A being so fresh and that’s what he wants to deal with. I am not saying this is NOT wrong in fact it’s so freaking disturbing and creepy but allowing someone to get away with it this long his not going to just say hey I was wrong by doing this. You don’t let a 5 year old use the word “shit” then ten years later say it’s wrong to say this. His been taught this was ok. Probably bc there was no consequences for this. His now having to break a cycle or thought process that his known that was fine or no big deal.

The longer you go with a certain behavior you will continue to think it’s ok... the longer you think it’s ok it’s going to be even more harder to stop thinking that way. A person who’s been an alcoholic for ten years will have a harder time breaking that cycle because this has been their normal behavior for ten years. They been comfortable and use to this as a normal routine vs who a person who’s been an alcoholic for six months. There was nothing on his end that made him deal with this issue years ago. Now that you had a A probably made him think he don’t have to deal with this bc he thinks what you did was worse. I don’t mean to sound harsh but it sounds like you dig yourself even more of a deeper hole then before.

You have gotten really good advise on here and sounds like for the most part everyone is on the same page as far you both need to work on yourself. Please don’t have any expectations of him dealing with his stuff. You need to deal with YOU. Anyone can dig themselves out of hole no matter how big if they are willing to do the work. I would start writing up a timeline everything you remember about your A. Every detail. You need to start working on you. I would write a letter to him explaining to him that you need to work on you on why you had the A and you will be open and honest. You will recovery your whys in IC. Explain to him he needs to work on him. Then later down road you guys can come together to work on the M. But both need to work on your issues before the M can be fix and if one is not willing then the M will never work out.

No stop sign so here goes. It appears that you are in a toxic relationship. He, dealing with alcohol and you dealing with resentment. Like many waywards who wake up after getting caught, he woke up after learning of your affair. You said he believed sharing your picture was wrong. You said:

He sees posting the pics as wrong, but he says I did the act that was worse.

This is what I am getting. I am are getting your view of his feelings on sending the pictures. Has he apologized? Did he show any remorse over it? One cant tell. Let me say this gently. What he did was beyond wrong. You have a right to be angry. You have a right to be offended. You did not have a right to cheat.

This wrong (the affair) must be addressed. We hear so many on this site that say the affair must be addressed first before you can address and begin working on any other issue in the marriage. Affairs are that hurtful. Learning of my wife's affair was the most devastating times of my life. I can only see the death of my son and wife being more devastating. During that time, I learned that my wife shared pictures of her self with her APs. A few of those pictures were of sex acts between us where my "member" was in the pictures. I remember how hurt and angry I felt over it. He was so wrong for what he did. But you were so wrong too. I see no remorse from you for cheating. I see no regret. I say this because all you focus on is what he did. Nothing really about what you did. Am I wrong in what I am saying?

[This message edited by WilliamM at 9:48 PM, July 20th (Friday)]

This is just my personal opinion, of course, but I think infidelity is among the worst things a spouse could ever do. Sure, your husband was quite the asshole when he posted those nude/sexual photos of you on the internet and I don't doubt for a moment how painful that must have been. To have used that as an excuse to have an affair, however, is absolutely horrendous.

If you wanted out of your marriage, I'm pretty sure you could have used the door. However, that's not what you chose to do, is it? You deliberately and purposefully went out of your way to have an affair and then told your husband to hurt him so much that he'd want to leave you. That's malice, AlyssaD. That's willful, purposeful, deliberate, pre-mediately cruelty.

This is no justification for infidelity.

You're right. I did it intentionally to help bail out of the marriage.. It was the final step that I needed to do to close my marriage with husband and for me to walk away

So that being the case, DO you see how messed up that is? Healthy people make a rational plan to leave and execute it. Unhealthy people turn to abuse, affairs, and other behaviors to make the other partner the “bad guy” in pulling the trigger, so the person who actually wants out doesn’t have to take responsibility for making the decision. Because after all, making a decision is scary, and sometimes it hurts feelings, and sometimes it requires being very uncomfortable for awhile. But healthy people know this is what needs to be done.

Do you see this?

It was the final step that I needed to do to close my marriage with husband and for me to walk away

And if you're wise, you'll STAY away.

There's absolutely NOTHING positive about staying with an alcoholic.

Enjoy his little dog and pony show of "look at me - I beat booze all by myself and now I've got my act together!" because the ugly fall from grace is coming. If you're smart, you'll be long gone before it happens.

NoMercy gets it.

👏👏👏👏👏👏