SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How did you find out? How has he behaved since discovery?

My FWH didn’t have a long term affair. Nevertheless, I will say remorse over the affair over regret for being caught is a huge factor in any reconciliation. His being willing to be open honest and transparent is critical.

Individual counseling and him finding out his why are critical to recovery. Watch his actions not his words in deciding if you want to recover. Take a notebook write down questions and ask him to answer in a timely manner.

Be prepared for it to be worse than you ever imagined. my WH had an anniversary and a proposal. she was married and wearing an engagement ring he had given her, in front of her husband. she wore a ring on every finger, and that's -why I was told- her husband was clueless. personally I have never spoken with him but I think he didn't care. I discovered the affair. I firmly believe he would have left me, but who knows. her kid had just graduated so that was when I was supposed to get dumped. he says - the typical line-he was starting to break it off. I do know she had been in my house and when he told her it was over she text me things to let me know she had been in my home. she thought I would dump him so she could have him. I do think she wanted in my house as insurance in the event he tried to dump her. it didn't work. but they don't give up easily after that long. so get ready for calls, shit stirring on social media, and surprises in the mail. for a long time. best of luck, you are going to discover how awesome and strong you are now. you didn't ask to but you are going to be so proud of yourself for walking through the fire.

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 5:00 PM, July 30th (Monday)]

So sorry you have to go thru this. Mine had an eight year LTA before I found out, by chance. Ex co worker. I found this site posted my story and took the advice not to make a quick decision. I took the no quick decision. We went for counseling and the two years of reconciliation as he wanted to stay, acted remorseful, said all the right things, which at first I believed. Then I started suspecting things where not really what I was being told I decided to get a spy app and monitor his phone. On numerous occasions I caught him out breaking no contact. Again sob stories, blaming the OW. Finally a year into recon I decided this was going no where. Mentally it was destroying me and in Dec 2017 I found the courage and asked him to move out. The same time he moved out she moved in and today he is sorry. Unfortunately I still see him as we share custody of our dogs. He gaslighted all the way and still does. I believe that they become master liars and cannot distinguish between the truth and lies. I am now mentally stronger but still fight the demons of the LTA as we had such a good 26 years with no issues in our relationship. I believe he is a narcissist and no cure for that. Good luck and strength.

My H had a 3 year EA (emotional affair with no sex) followed by 2 (PA) sexual/physical affairs during the last year if the EA. It seems like a blur now. You have received good counsel already, so i will simply offer that YES, we did successfully R. And coming up on 4 years since Dday when my world as I'd known it blew up before my eyes, I am healed and our M is better than it has ever been. Mainly because the crisis forced us to work on our personal issues and our toxic marriage at the time. We both did IC (my H saw 3 different therapists over a 3 year period) and worked with several M counselors. Its been a long and challenging process, but we know are in a much better place.

R is possible. But it takes TIME, effort, and 115% commitment from the WS to do everything in their power to change and fix the damage they have caused to their family and own self. If you have that level of commitment from your H, you have something to work with. I'm glad you found us....this group no one ever wants to find themself, but one that can help you out of the darkness of infidelity.

Hello Allstate, Iam so very sorry that you find yourself having to deal with your WH,s long term affair with a co-worker. Like another poster said a long term affair is a different kind of animal. There is no word in the english language to describe what this does to the OBS. You now look back an see during those years of the affair that you were living a lie. It crushes the feelings an the good memories that you had during that time. You now question everything during that period. It pretty much in my opinion makes reconcilation pretty much impossible. It will alaways be the 800 pound gorilla in the room. Think of the enormous amount of planning an lying your WH did to carry out his affair. Think about that. Could you really get over this an have a normal relationship with your WH, if you do decide to reconcile. Think hard an think this thru. I know I could not, when I discovered my EXWW long term affair with a co-worker. Take care of yourself, an stay strong.

I am still struggling with his LTA but he wants to start doing things together. It is almost 6 weeks since I found out. Does anyone have any suggestions on how not to bring up the A when we are together?

My suggestion is that you make it a point to bring up the A when you are together as often as you wish. Basically, whenever it comes to mind.