SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know he’s not supposed to make any decisions before three months. I know that but he doesn’t.

Why is that? Some know it right from the start. It is a deal breaker before they even get married. Some change their mind. You just keep working on you and learning how to be enough for yourself and learning how to be a peace with being alone. You can't stop where the anxiety hits its peak. Work through it.

Zungzwang

I was implying 3 months before making life altering decisions based on the reading I’ve done I know it’s different for everyone no matter what thanks.

This will probably be a hard question for you to think about.

Would you think it was a mistake if he decided to reconcile before the three months is up?

This is still all about you, your wants, your perceived needs. This is an extension of wayward thinking.

[This message edited by Whyamisoawful at 1:42 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

Whyamisoawful

I’m going to continue working on me and wait till I see him next month.

Glad to see you’re a little calmer and have a plan. Good for you. Good luck!!!

Why would that be a mistake?

I was pointing out that you only feel as if making a decision before 3 months would be a problem if it's the decision that you don't want. Would you feel the same if he was deciding right now that he wanted to reconcile?

Work on self-soothing techniques. The decision to end this relationship was already made, by you, without waiting three months, and without telling your SO. You have to let go of the outcome, and if you want to make the healthy decision, you need to trust him to make the best decision for himself that he can, whenever he thinks it's right.

My husband may never love me again and that is my own fault.

You're right that it's all your fault. However, people don't just fall out of love because someone screws up. Your H is hurting. He's trying to process something without having the entire story. Trust me, if he loved you before you decided to have an A, he didn't magically stop after he found out.

Have his feelings changed? Well, how would you feel if the tables were turned and your husband announced he screwed someone else? Would you hurt? Would your love be the same as it was before? Would it go away completely with the revelation?

Despite what anyone may think WS’s are also allowed to be sad. They’re allowed to be sad over their horrible life choices, over their relationships ending, over hurting someone. We also have feelings we are trying to work through and just because we are the ones who made fucked up choices doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to feel are emotions too.

I don't think anyone is saying you aren't entitled to be sad over this. Just understand that as the WW, you can't expect your H to be your support for your pain. He's dealing with a betrayal that's going to make that a difficult task. I know this first hand as a BH. It's tough to be the emotional crutch for the person who kicked you in the nuts. So, you're going to have to find some way to deal with the pain your feeling without expecting anything from him right now.

All of these are selfish poor me thoughts I know I can’t help it. I can’t eat I can’t sleep. I can’t even get out of bed. all I do is think about him and all of our memories and the wonderful life we shared together the last 4 years. And all of the stories I read on this site people cheat way longer into the marriage not the first two years so can we really survive if I cheated so early.

Yes, they are, just as having the ONS was another selfish decision. At some point you're going to have to find a way to fix yourself, starting with IC to figure out where all of this is coming from.

When the cheating happens doesn't have any bearing on what's better or worse. Cheating is just shitty for all parties involved, particularly for the BS. Your BH needs his space to process this stuff. You're just going to have to accept that and work on yourself.

It’s his choice. And right now it does feel all about me because he is ignoring me so I feel like I can’t make it all about him. I can say a million things over text but none of them will sound sincere because well it’s a text message and he won’t pick up my calls. Right now I am trying to stay level headed because it’s easy for him to ignore me when he doesn’t see me so I’m going to continue working on me and wait till I see him next month before I start to throw myself down a deep hole of depression you feel when splitting up with someone. It’s not good for me to wallow in my pity

You really need to try to put yourself into the shoes of your H so that you can at least somewhat understand where he's at emotionally right now. It's good that you're going to continue working on yourself because you need it. Not being mean, but seriously, you made a mistake. Now it's time to hold yourself accountable, figure out why you did what you did, and then find a path to heal yourself. Only then can you possibly find a way to mend your relationship with him.

Just understand that as the WW, you can't expect your H to be your support for your pain.

Exactly. Don't expect or put your husband in the position that after Dday has to hold you together. It is unfair. Hold yourself together. Use the time wisely to get coping skills in MC. Join some type of support group. It never seems to go well here for recovery when the wayward falls apart and the BS is left feeling guilty for feeling hurt by their WS while the WS is a basket case. Don't expect compassion from him either. You dug your own hole and bed. Now, you have to face a loneliness you already had to begin with in addition to alienating your husband. It sucks, but that is the consequences. You don't have to like it but if you want to stay with him you do have to accept the reality. You can feel,but don't make your pain his pain.

I start to throw myself down a deep hole of depression you feel when splitting up with someone.

Why would ending things be a deep hole of depression when you split up with someone? It ends because you aren't compatible and that is the way it is. If it ends, it ends for a good reason. You learn and move on. It is very unhealthy to be so invested in other people making you happy. It is unhealthy to latch on to people that abuse you and aren't right for you. Fix it. Start fixing it before he comes back.

Stop bothering him at work. Give him his space. Learn to overcome your anxiety and sit with yourself. You are probably making it worse if he is giving you signs to leave him alone. He just found out his wife is a cheater and he has no way to make sure you aren't still cheating and to hold you accountable for being transparent. You still have stuff to discuss and it should be done in person.

Go find some ways to busy yourself in a healthy way. Show him you are fixing your choices and getting better and healthy.

My H would stonewall also. It took awhile for me to learn but if I backed off, gave him space and waited for him to communicate with me it worked and we ended up with a better outcome than the times I pushed to communicate. For a while when things were really intense I would make myself silently and somewhat slowly count to three before responding to H. It kept me from flying off the handle BC of my own difficult emotions and I was able to respond more thoughtfully.

I recommend lots of reading now. Keep yourself busy. Start being the best version of yourself now-it takes practice and time and effort. No matter what the outcome, you probably want to be able to look back and know you did do everything you possibly could to heal both of you.