SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Know that you are beautiful and true. Know that if she had been unattractive, you’d have an equally hurtful set of things to question; they just come from a different angle. For me, it’s comstantly why/what with THAT, and then I wonder why he could toss me to the side for someone so icky. So, no matter how you look at it, it’s all a terrible mess. Cheating always hurts, you always compare, you always degrade yourself, no matter who or what the AP is in comparison to you. Until you get to the point where you see how wrong, disgusting, broken, etc that the AP is, and the WS was, too. I hope you get to that place soon.

I would sometimes wonder if my WS having a younger, prettier AP would make things easier to accept or understand.

In my case, the AP was shorter, very fat and wore really tight clothes that didn't fit her or look good, so it always looked like she was on the verge of wardrobe malfunction. She had buggy eyes and (IMO) always looked kind of intense/crazy. She was 10 years older than me (8 than WS) and still lived at home with her parents and her adult daughter.

During the A, when affair fog was still in effect, the only thing WS could say negative about her was that maybe she was a little too fat (an understatement) because literally all she was a picky eater and all she wanted to eat was fast food or spaghetti.

She was also still hung up on her high school boyfriend that died in a car accident and was convinced her life would have been different because they would have gotten married.

Do you remember the boys you had crushes on in high school, or your boyfriends? As an adult, do you look back and realize the odds of those relationships working out were slim?

Anyways... affairs don't make sense. Younger or older, skinnier or fatter, prettier or uglier... there's something SERIOUSLY wrong with someone that thinks pursuing a married person is a reasonable path in life.

Please don't doubt your worth, Dragonfly123. Just because your WS's head is too far up her ass to see it doesn't mean that you aren't a good, beautiful person.

One of my favorite quotes, because it's so true:

"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely." -Roald Dahl

Not saying that you are ugly, but if your insides are good, your morals are there, your inner beauty will shine through, and a few gray hairs or wrinkles or stretch mark don't matter.

Before long she will be 50 and still trying to ‘steal’ men. These women think they’re winners, but they can only compete in a rigged game.

The mow in my marriage is now over 50 and her game has never brought her happiness or success. So she’s just a pathetic whore who blows her boss while the true hot young th8ngs pass her on the company ladder using talent and brains, with success personally and professionally.

Was she hot when she was younger? Who knows. She’s not now, she looks like a dirty pillowcase. But her game has never worked. She’s a punch line in her industry. She’s never had a serious promotion in 25 years, which is a shame considering all the time she spent on her knees.

Youth doesn’t last very long.

One of my little tests when some little cute younger thing thinks she wants to flirt with me is to ask if she can name the Beatles.

If she can't, she needs to move on because we aren't ever gonna connect.

Now he's got a woman who cheats with married men.

Devotedman with the win!

Most of my W's OM were essentially heinous looking by any objective standard or measure, and kind of skellish / sleezy in general (obvious given that they were happy to be someone's OM but even in that context they're all barf-worthy, trashy humans).

The one who entered my home, though, I'd assume would be considered objectively somewhat attractive by most women, or at least decent. Has a respectable job, kind of in shape (though I'm in better shape and was able to kick his ass on D-Day without the little coward fucker even putting up a fight, so I finally let him run away in the snow half naked and without his boots after he begged me for his life and not to kick him down the stairs).

But I digress. In any event, I am writing to confirm that the identity and level of attractiveness of the various OM was *COMPLETELY* irrelevant to me. At D-Day and for a long time afterwards, my attitude was that any of them could have her and I wouldn't have given a flying fuck which one it was or that it was happening at all.

I honestly had better things to do when I was young and hot in my 20s than chase older married men. The very idea was gross to me. There is something seriously wrong with women who do this. Seriously wrong. They're wasting their hotness on some older man who farts a lot and has a tenth of their energy. Their friends are weirded out and repulsed by the whole situation. This is how these women are spending their most free and attractive years. Talk about later regret! I had a blast personally. I hooked up with hot young unmarried men in my age range. We all have our young days and our old days. Just be glad you didn't spend your youth on such pathetic things. They're pathetic. Look at them that way.

NONE OF US in our 40s and beyond should be expected to "compete" with women in their 20s. Any who hook up with our husbands are not getting the best they are capable of. These women are losers. The men who cheat with them are pathetic idiots.

You’re all amazing!

Just to clear something up, my STBXC is actually younger than me so their age difference is ok. His choice in her however is not.

I think I triggered because I walked past someone who could have been her on a bad day... I’m not sure if it was or not. I have very little interest in her and honestly have only a vague memory of what she looks like as I blocked her SM a long long time ago and don’t pain shop.

I think your comments around the idea that it wouldn’t have mattered if she were my age and not as attractive as me are really interesting. I absolutely agree and weirdly that’s made me feel better. It would just be a different load of questions that couldn’t ever be answered.

I’m looking at myself in the mirror today and trying to see the positives... I’ve got the body of a thirty year old due to the infidelity diet, just a shame that my face hasn’t realised!!

I feel slightly shallow getting caught up in worrying about what I look like compared to her. I’m a bit embarrassed. But I know you all understand and that makes me feel safe to express it.

Thank you ((()))) to everyone of you

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 3:08 PM, October 18th (Thursday)]

It's an interesting topic that I hadn't really ever thought about until I read your OP.

Looking at it from a "shallow" perspective now that I'm thinking of it through that prism, one could even argue that the opposite is true and should offend you more if the AP was less attractive; as in "well at least he/she was attractive to the opposite sex" ... whereas with the less attractive AP's I've had to deal with, I think of it more like "You put it all on the line for THAT GUY?!?"

But in the end, again, I never really thought about it either way, and the AP's ranged from literal mutants to the somewhat-attractive-to-the-opposite sex one. Didn't hurt more or less.

My H had 3 AP, all younger than me. The first one nearly 25 years younger. Ya, that was hard to stomach. BUT, once he pulled his head out if his butt, he saw it all for what it was, and none of it was real. It all was a way for him to run away from HIMSELF, not from me. Because, as you know, it's never about us, really.

So take care if yourself, work to be the woman you were meant to be. I'm nearly 60, no longer able to "compete" with the younger crowd on looks. But I have a lot more than looks to bring to the table, and I know you do, too. Confidence and self-respect can be very attractive 😊

Please, please don't focus on the AP. Who cares who that is...if it wasn't him or her it would be another him or her.

Betrayed spouses always feel that they are "lacking something" and cheaters bank on you thinking this way. Don't. It's not about you or the AP. It's about your cheater. THEY did this, they made this decision of their own free will - no fog or family of origin issues. It was a CHOICE. Don't fall for any other BS.

You deserve a healthy relationship. You deserve honesty and kindness. Cheaters can't deliver this. Don't take the responsibility or blame for your cheater's shitty choices. AP are always low-hanging fruit.

Ow 1 was twenty years younger. My Wh was swept off his feet. It caused a tremendous amount of pain for me. A lot of insecurity. She wasn’t prettier. But pretty. Once I learned what she was really like. I saw that Wh was just an old fool. And she was a c”””t. More trauma continued in our marriage. I saw often that Wh was still an old fool.

ow2 is currently with him. I don’t know who or what this time. I choose not to. I haven’t made a single effort toward either of them. We are D ing.

The age and looks no longer bother me. This is about Wh. 100%. It doesn’t matter who the women are. The cheating spouse is a loser. At least during. What kind of person wants a cheater? They are all broken. And their choices show it.

I do feel discarded. It hurts. But there is a small part of me that’s says thank you. This is a hopeless case..NEver to improve...I was struggling...

Stop comparing yourself to the OW...and take a good hard look at your spouse...he instigated this, he chose this, he continued this, all knowing it was wrong...does it matter what she looks like? I didn't start out feeling this way, it took awhile to get there...but it feels better eventually...It had nothing to do with your looks...if a different OW was available, she might have been your age...its just whoever...

My WH did have a preference for younger women...he dreams of reliving his college days... and believes he can. Hes 60. Like I said...an old fool and hopeless case. I mean, other people are laughing at him. Im embarrassed.

I cant wait until his loser OW dumps him...because he isn't even good enough for her...that's pretty bad..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:18 PM, October 18th (Thursday)]

Any OW is just that, she is the OW. What did she get, a liar, a cheater, a person who lacks integrity, honesty, compassion, faithfulness. She got that and at some point in time they will both realize that what they have, liars, someone who is untrustworthy, someone who sneaks around and thinks it is ok. Somewhere on SI is a thread titled "They always affair down", I am not computer savvy but I will post it if I can find it! That package your comparing yourself to is a person who was willing to be with a married man. How awful is that? You are leagues above her in every way. She settled for the worst of your husband, a lying cheater.

I so understand how you are feeling. I compared myself to the OW for some time. I learned she too was married, so points to her for having no compassion. I texted her and found a vapid, self absorbed shallow person that I would not have a cup of coffee with. Her personality made her as ugly as possible. I agree with others, take a good hard look at your spouse. How shallow he is that he let a women with integrity go! Karma is not pretty when she gets angry and although you may never see her wrath, she exists. I do know the pain is often unbearable and that is ok. Infidelity breaks everyone who experiences it, it is one of the cruelest forms of abuse ever. In time, you will see that you are worth 100 times what she could ever hope to be, she is not in your league. Don't apologize for the comparison, we all go through it no matter what the AP looked like. In time, you will see how much more you are and always will be.

Dragonfly, I know exactly how you are feeling right now.

Dday 1 was my discovery of an affair years earlier with a 22 year old. We were 42yrs old at the time. I was 46 when I found out. Still obese, depressed, unable to find a job, and feeling like I had no worth. Seeing who he had been with made me feel like trash. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Of course he turned from me... there is nothing special about me at all."

Dday 2 was the next day and discovery of the woman I hated for years. Dated her once when we were in high school and she seemed to pop up every time her life fell apart. If I could have a nemesis, it would be her. We're about equal on looks, I guess, but she was complete opposite of me. She was brunette, thin, outgoing... and it tore me apart when I found out about her. Of course, that was when I believed the lie about it being just an EA (she was out of state).

Then I got a load of the others as they were revealed...holy shit. I learned then that he'd fuck anything that offered during that time. I literally thought one of the OW was a man when I saw her picture. Had a moment of real confusion.

Dragonfly, there is nothing about her that is better than you. There is nothing about her that is more special than you. Because your WH isn't 'in love' with her, he's in love with the image of himself currently reflected by her. Its ALL about him, not her. The moment she becomes inconvenient and tiresome, he will move on to the next woman who lets him see himself the way he wants to.

They are all selfish assholes in infidelity. They lie to us, to the OWs, and to themselves. Be proud of yourself for being authentic.

Onthefence 1000 thank yous, your words have really helped me. I hang onto the pretty young appearance because I think it matters .... it doesn’t! You are so right. They all affair down regardless of anything else because women who behave in that way are disgusting pieces of scum who have absolutely no honour or integrity.

To the OP, I understand that this trauma that was forced upon you has made you feel less attractive.

There is nothing wrong with graceful aging. You are a beautiful person inside and out

You can do whatever you choose to feel better about your appearance ...perhaps it means getting in better physical shape ( which is very empowering )

Your husband's younger AP however, can never get rid of the ugliness in her soul..that is permanent.

She is obviously a selfish person and I believe in karma.

May karma take it's toll on her * beauty *

Recovering from rejection is traumatizing on several levels, and this is the part where you must take steps to heal yourself--whether divorce or reconciliation. We don't just magically feel better about ourselves. Loving someone who chooses someone else causes a major internal crisis. For me there was only one true path out of those feelings.

Confidence and self-respect can be very attractive

I had to keep reminding myself that it was pointless to look at someone and think, "Why him? Why her?" We are always going to be ourselves, never someone else. So when I thought about 'Why her?" I would force myself to change the channel. I'd say, "Who knows and who cares. You are you. What do you want to do for your awesome self today?" and I would practice self-love. I'd go to a movie or do my nails in a new color or take a bubble bath or go for a walk. And then I would find articles to read that pointed me toward self-acceptance and self-appreciation. The articles gave me something to go toward, a goal, and not just something to get away from. My confidence grew as I found my appreciation for my strengths, my life, my gifts, my contributions. I learned how to love myself, and I choose me; I don't care if anyone else does.

Oddly, the more I practiced self-love and acceptance, the more the world loved me back. The more internal peace I felt, the more generous and warm I became and the world gave that warmth right back. It was honestly the strangest--and best!!!--experience of my life. As Psychmom says, confidence and self-respect are very attractive indeed.

It sounds like you are doing fairly well, but take extra, extra time to appreciate everything that you are, pamper yourself by doing things you love to do, and send yourself uplifting thoughts and messages about you and your beauty--both inside and out. You deserve those affirmations. Don't let his brokenness steal your truths about your amazingness. We are all so special and beautiful just because we're us. Be your biggest fan.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:28 AM, October 19th (Friday)]

I feel slightly shallow getting caught up in worrying about what I look like compared to her. I’m a bit embarrassed. But I know you all understand and that makes me feel safe to express it.

All perfectly normal and you are in good hands here.

I’ve got the body of a thirty year old due to the infidelity diet, just a shame that my face hasn’t realised!!

LMAO!!

I just want to say I'm so sorry and I feel your pain. WH OW was 18 years younger than him and 10 years younger than me. Very pretty and opposite characteristics of me. I don't think my self-esteem and confidence will ever get over it. I try so hard but just can't feel I'm better than her.

Furthermore....don't ask me how I know, lol....every single one of you women here could go out today and hook up with someone in his 20s who would be mind-blown by your experience in the sack. Would that make him or you more special? Nope. Why didn't you cheat on your spouses with people half your ages? Because you're decent human beings who wouldn't have hurt your spouse that way. You could all hook up with someone younger and hotter than your spouses are. YOU DIDN'T DO IT. It doesn't make them special or the OW/OM special that they did. It makes them repulsive.

Most of us understand that marriage and love are not about hitting the hottest thing we run into on any given day. Decent human beings understand what love and marriage are supposed to be.