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Hi again PNash. Admittedly I have not read any of the other posts as I'm still strapped for time this weekend but I wanted to get back to you and I'm sure your getting good advice here.

From one BC to another, you have to tell your father. Tell him it was you that sent to emails. Tell him everything. DO NOT go to your mother first. She will try and do damage control, blame shift, and possibly gas light you. The fact is your mother can't be trusted right now.

Back to your father. You have to have to tell him. I did and it was probably one of, if not the hardest things I've ever had to do. No father wants to get that information from one of their kids. At the same time, you have information that he has every right to know. If you don't tell him and he finds out later that you know as well, that's just another betrayal for him. You have to do what is right. Expose the affair starting with your father.

You CANNOT worry about the what if's. If you expose the affair then your mom and this other guy get together. Fact is no one knows for absolute certain what is going to happen. But what I can tell you from experience is that when you expose, fantasy meets reality and all the shit that has been going on suddenly really smells bad. All parties crash down to earth into that shit pile. Once it's exposed it's almost impossible for them to carry on and if they do keep carrying it on, then they are terribly self absorbed and look terrible for carrying it on.

My aunt also helped my mother in her affair. Yes it caused many problems but at least I dealt with them.

You cannot keep this to yourself. In my experience secrets do lots more damage than if the truth was out there. In fact, secrets can sometimes kill which was my brother's case. I would also argue that everyone is on here because someone was keeping secrets. Don't do it. Get the truth out as quickly as possible so that everything can be dealt with now. Not later.

Fact is your mother betrayed you as well as the entire family. Not just your father. When you mother says this has nothing to do with you you remind her that this has everything to do with you and the family. It's betrayal. You might not have to deal with the sex issues like your father is going to have to, but you still have to deal with all the other issues that comes with betrayal. Starting with trust.

Not sure if this will help you and I'm a little hesitant to post this, but I wanted to give you a little taste of what my dday was like so that you can see that you are not alone. And if my 16 year old self can get through this and expose, then so can you. And we will be right there with you every step of the way. Here's an excerpt from my very first post on SI:

>>>>>

DDay was March of 1989. I was 16 years old and walked home from school early skipping my last class. I called a buddy who wasn't in school from the kitchen phone and was doodling on a piece of paper while talking to him. Not thinking anything of it while I was having this phone conversation, I opened up to the middle of a book I had never seen before on the table in front of me. Since I was more engaged in the conversation I was having, it took a few paragraphs to realize that I was reading my mothers diary and the content was pornographic. Really f#$%ing dirty and none of it was about my dad. It was all about the Om. Stuff no kid should ever here about.

Even now my mind races when I start to remember DDay. To quickly sum up the chain of events that transpired for me: called my grandfather to get my younger brother out of house when he got home from school, called my father at work to tell him that I needed to talk to him and that I would be home at 5:00, grabbed the diary and had a friend get me out of the house before my mom came home from where ever she was. I knew she had to leave for work by 4 and would be coming home soon to get ready.

While waiting for my friend to come pick me up, I made the mistake of reading a great deal of that diary. Probably more than half of it. I wish I hadn't but I couldn't help myself. I was about to do the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life. Even to this day it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was arming myself for the sit down I was about to have with my father. I was the one who had to tell him about mom's A.

I told him that mom was having an affair with an Om. He got really cautious and wanted to know how I could know such a thing. I told him I had read a PAGE of mom's diary. He asked me where it was (I had hid it in the garage when I got home) and he wanted me to give it to him so he could see for himself. After the sex acts that my mother had described and her thoughts to go with them I really didn't want to give it to him. But with the look he gave me I knew there was no arguing with him. I got it and handed it to him. He has a partially photographic memory and almost as fast as you can turn a page he read that book from cover to cover. To this day I'm fairly certain he could recite it back word for word if he wanted to.

Wow this next part is really hard for me to write. The look that he had on his face when he was done reading was a look I have never seen on another human being before or since. There are no words for it. Even pain seems light. That look has been burned into my brain forever and is actually the hardest part for me of this entire god forsaken mess. After what seemed like an eternity he went to the garage where he would smoke. That look.

I gave him a few minutes and then went to check on him. That look was gone and was replaced by something else completely. RAGE!! I know he didn't want me to see him and he kept asking me to leave as he stood there with my baseball bat in one hand and his car keys in the other. Even at the age of 16 I knew I couldn't leave him there like that because I knew another situation of some sort would probably go down. He kept asking me in a firm voice to leave. The voice didn't have anger or hurt in it. He was firm and as a matter of fact. After what was an eternity (maybe 20 min?), he put the bat down and put his keys on the washer machine as if silently to say he wasn't going to go anywhere. I left him there and went to my bedroom which was right above the garage. Looking back on it now, symbolically when I left him there, I left whatever used to be my dad there as well. I would never see the same man again that was there prior to my dropping a nuke.

My brother came home and my dad asked him to go to his room while he continued to wait in the garage for my mom. My grandfather (my mother's father) who was dropping him off wanted to know what was going on. My dad politely and firmly in so many words asked him to leave as it was a family matter. He left. I loved and still love my grandfather to this day. He was one of the most kindest, gentlest people I have ever known. How my mother came from him I do not know.

My mom came home from work and the confrontation began. My dad was still sitting in the garage smoking waiting for her with the garage door up. This is March and in a very cold part of the country so he must have been freezing after hours out there. As soon as my mom got out of her car and walked towards the garage my dad started screaming expletives so loud that I couldn't make them out. He slammed the garage door down so hard that it bounced all the way back up and open and that door was heavy. My mom almost immediately began to wail and ran into the house for cover. I could hear her wailing in the kitchen. I went across the hall into my brothers room (just turned 13 years old) and explained to him not to worry in so many words. That mom and dad are going to have a lot of issues to work through. I remember him being very worried and wanting to know what was going on but I didn't give him any of the details. Ever. Zero. I had to explain that we were going to have to lie low and ride out whatever storm was to come.

After what I remember to be about an hour of my mother wailing in the kitchen my dad came in. No yelling. I could hear my mother calm down to a sobbing level but I could not make out what they were saying. As I was almost in bed, my mother came up into my room and the first thing out of her mouth is why I didn't come to her first? I said nothing. The next question was how much of it did I read? I said about 1 page. I lied to cover up that I should have known not to read my mothers diary. Then she stated that she was sorry and asked if I could forgive her. To which I said "sure". Went to bed and didn't sleep a wink

The conversation with my dad that day and the even smaller one in my bedroom with my mother was the most I had ever talked to them about the A. After that conversation with my mother I checked out. I didn't want to overstep my bounds with whatever my parents were working through and quite frankly I wanted to stick my head in the sand. Seeing that look on my father's face, the gory details of her affair that I had read, and the fact that my mother seemed angry with me that I didn't come to her when I found out stuck with me. She lost me as a son that day. I never looked at her the same again. Especially as a parent. The thing that I hate the most about that day is that I was the one that got to see that look . Not her. All she saw was the anger. Looking back on it now, I believe that was the true nail in the coffin of their marriage and she never got to see it. I took the bullet on that one. With all of the dirty details in that book I wanted to say to her that with every one of the Om's thrusts up into her was another nail in the coffin of their marriage. I would never say it to her but the thought has crossed my mind more than once.

At 16 I certainly knew right from wrong. Why didn't she? How could I possibly go to her first because she lost my trust completely the moment she had the A. I won't go into all the details as they are brutal and I don't want to go there, but as one of the things I read to show you how ill she was, or as some people call it here "in the fog", there is one passage in that book that stuck out to me. I'm paraphrasing here:

"Om says that I'm such a good f and so good at giving h that I should teach my kids how be great lovers."

Trust me there was a lot more to go with that. My parents believed I had only read a small passage in her diary. They had no idea how MUCH I really knew. I was "checking out" and detaching myself from my family so there was no way I was going to tell them. In fact, I subconsciously began to hide from them. I'm good. I'm fine. There is nothing to see here. Please go away and I'll be at home as little as possible. And so began me burying it all inside me and not dealing with it. Some of the other things I read in that book were that my aunt (my mom's sister) was an enabler. My mom would sometimes carry out her A at my aunts house as my cousins were all gown up or away at college. In fact, my mom and aunt would sometimes go out on dates together with their boyfriends (my aunt had been divorced for a long time (not due to an A). Same with many of their mutual friends. Those "friends" had even introduced my mom to Om and they carried out their A at their "friends" houses as well. I knew from her diary first hand where the allegiances were. But who cares. I'm checking out.

Looking back as the days and weeks went on post DDay, I realize now how narcissistic my mother has been her entire life. My mom began IC and started to blame the A on depression. She began meds and treatment and still has to do both to this day. I will NEVER accept depression as an excuse for what she did. Shes's clearly sick and mentally ill, but find it impossible to understand someone's inability to choose right from wrong but more so to a family that they supposedly loved. A mistake, sure. Someone can make a mistake and a mistake is something you apologize for. What she was doing had clearly been going on for a while. Not exactly sure how long but clearly a long time. That's not a mistake. That's deliberate. She not only cheated on my father, but us as a family. She poisoned us and made the family sick. This gets worse over the years post DDay but I'll get to that in a bit.

Last I saw the diary it was in the garage with my father on DDay. I have no idea where it disappeared to. Good riddance. The rest of what I heard is from my mother's own mouth. She was so wrapped up in her own bs that she failed to realize that my brother and I were in the same house as her let alone in the same room. We would walk in the door from school or where ever and she would either be on the phone in the kitchen or upstairs in her bedroom with the door open. She would be talking with my aunt, her "friends" or possibly even the Om for all I knew. I already knew most of the details so I wouldn't really listen. But I definitely remember her talking smack about my dad. All sorts of horrible lies. How wonderful Om was blah blah blah. She clearly didn't love us, her family. Now that all this was out in the open, she was hell bent talking about it to whomever was in ear shot. I remember her saying on one of those calls that she was done with all the lies and cover up and she was going to talk about it to get it out in the open with everyone. She had no idea that I was standing right behind her. Or maybe she did. I didn't care because I was "checking out". She lost me on DDay anyway.

Just a quick word here to all the WSs out there. As a child it's hard NOT know what is going on when you live in a house with someone. It doesn't matter how careful you think you are being. I know my mother is a narcissist and it's all about her all the time. But whether it's a diary, a journal, emails, texts, phone calls, whatever.... No matter how careful you think you're being you probably aren't being careful enough. My mother didn't leave that diary out deliberately to get caught. I know that now and I will get to more of that later. As a WS you have to be honest with your kids and then shield them from as much of the details as you can. And even then it's probably not enough. Case in point, my brother. Kids have a way of finding things out when curiosity steps in.

A few months post DDay, my brother came to me and asked me 2 questions. First was he wanted to know if it was true that I had read our mother's diary. I said yes. Next question he asked me was if it was true that there were "others"? That was the first I heard that and told him as much. He walked away and I didn't pursue where he heard that. I was done. I had checked out already. Clearly he had done some snooping of his own and was now clued into what was going on. He could have been listening into any number of conversations. I'm fairly certain it wasn't my dad who tipped him off. My dad was now "checking out" as well. He was no longer the same person and was always preoccupied with something. I'm pretty sure I could guess what. He was a happy go lucky guy. He whistled while he did things, made jokes all the time, etc. I never saw that side of him again post DDay. Even 25 years later. But hey, whatever. I'm not in this family any more. I'm out. Detached. He never mentioned a word about the A back then. It wasn't until about 5 years later that he brought it up.

I'm sure my mom thought everything was fine with them going forwards. She and my dad were working it out. At one point they were having sex almost every night and were very vocal about it. Overcompensating? Probably. Even most of my friends heard their vocal sex my senior year of high school when they would come to pick me up or we would go to my room to get something. I didn't care what my friends heard. I was there to eat, sleep, and go to school while my parents were absorbed in what was going on between them. This is how life in that house went on for the next couple of years. I began college, my brother began high school, and then it happened.

Remember that poison was in the water. I was checked out, I'm pretty sure my dad was checked out, and my mother was self absorbed. I need to be clear. This next part I do not blame on the A. I blame this more on myself for checking out and how my family was sick. We were no longer a family that I could see and we were all wrapped up in our own world. Oct 1994 after a few years of blah, my brother committed suicide. I'll spare the details on that one as that's another story for another website someday. I don't think any of us saw that coming. I've blamed myself a lot over the years because I had checked out. My dad had checked out. My mother, whatever... And of course my brother went out as mad as hell and it was controversial. No nothing like taking other people out or anything stupid like that. But it certainly grabbed the media's attention and next thing we had media camped out on our front lawn. Thank God social media and the internet had not been invented yet. But now throw that incident and the fact that we have to watch it on tv, whatever was left of my parent's relationship was obliterated. And if it's possible I checked out even further. That house we were living in was a wasteland.

After that my parents were done with whatever R was still trying to go on. Let me rephrase, my dad was done and my mom was too wrapped up in a new set of issues with the one's she already had to notice that my dad was done. I've been able to see it since DDay. Why can't she see it? Oh right, she never saw the look of complete and utter devastation. I did.

<<<<<

Another point of telling the truth and getting it all out there. By telling the truth and being engaging with your parents, you don't have to check out like from the family like I did. We can cross that bridge if you ever come to it. But for now, one step at a time. Exposure by telling your father and then seeing what he wants to do.

yop

How exactly does one's Mom go to Barcelona without the Dad knowing?

How exactly does one's Mom go to Barcelona without the Dad knowing?

I believe he's in the UK. It's a lot shorter/cheaper to fly between European countries. Plus mom could have come up for any reason to go on a trip -- work? Visiting an old girlfriend?

Is it possible to tell your father to hire a PI to find the proof you need? Tell him the story. Ask him to keep calm and hire a PI to get the proof he will need to co front your mother.

PNash, Expose the A immediately, by any means.

My kids knew for a year about my husband's 6 year affair. They were in high school and middle school and just hoped it would go away. They spent that year gathering 'evidence' - texts, downloading videos my husband took, documenting times and dates. Extremely disturbing for them. My husband now has to deal with the shame of them knowing everything.

On the other hand, when my husband tried to lie to me about the length of the affair or what he and the other woman did, my daughter would appear out of nowhere and whip out the facts. My husband says if they had only talked to him he would've ended the affair. He told my daughter look at what you've done initially!

The kids by not telling anybody lengthened the affair by a year. I was deceived and cheated on for another year. I found out because I thought his phone was my daughter's and I was monitoring her because I thought she was spending hours on the internet looking at porn. ( it was actually my husband, who never spoke up when I was yelling at my daughter for the porn). When I went to tell my daughter I was leaving because Dad had a 2 month affair ( he lied) , she whipped out this 3 inch dossier, and said it's 6 years.

Good luck, no child needs to go through this, and I wish you strength. Take care yourself, do well in school, get a good job. Your parents need to deal with this, not you.

Brother- I don't know how to send you a PM on here...or I would.

I've been there. My mom did something similar and used my little sister to try and get my Dad to sign divorce papers. Literally had my 6 year old sister walk the papers over to my dad and say "sign the papers" as my mom had coached her in the back of the car.

Hard lesson in life- Your mom may be your mom...but that doesn't preclude her being an evil cheating whore. Your mom may have packed lunches and cut your sandwich into heart shapes for years...but it means nothing now. Now, she is just another dishonest whore. It's a hard thing to accept. It stings. You don't want to believe that truth is true...but it is. Accept that reality is real and your purpose will become obvious.

You are struggling because you still see her as the person who packed your lunch for school.

See her as she truly is, the person who destroyed your family, sold your life out in exchange for some dick...and betrayed you, her son, because she valued dick more than her entire family.

Burn that shit to the ground. It's hard when a boy has to do man things...but it's time to man up and burn it down. There is a moment in every young man's live where he has to stop thinking like a boy and start hardening his heart like a man. Man life ain't easy. It ain't fun. You have to be the Ahole in man world sometimes. You lose friends when you do the right thing. The world will mock you for doing the right thing. F them. There's a reason it's hard...and it's because men are hard. Hard men handle their business. Time to throw off boyhood and do some man work. It starts with a no BS talk with your dad.

Call him now. Don't plan, soften, or try to help. He's a grown man. He just needs truth.

If you fail this test of manhood, I can promise you that the shame of that failure will stain you until the end of your life. Man up and make the call.

[This message edited by Unbroken78 at 5:45 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

Guys, please back off a little bit. His mother is not a whore. She is ruining her life and blowing up her family.

Remember that he sat wth other young men laughing about an older woman having sex with a college kid he knows. This is horrible for him.

Yes, he needs to tell but he doesn’t need to read the ugly things you are writing about a person he loves.

Please look after yourself. This has to be between your parents. You can work out your relationship with your mother when/if you ever want to but you can’t get in the middle of it.

Tell your father and then let him handle it.

Whatever happens with your mom and dad is their business. However the fact that your friends have seen your mom in this situation is very much your concern. As much as you would like it to, this will not go away. You are in college and at the very least your mother will come and visit you on campus for your graduation. Your friends do not know she is your mom but once they see you with her they will know and it will be totally humiliating for you. Your mother needs to know that you know and that your friends have seen her so she will not dare to show her face on campus, not even for your graduation. Her "extracurricular" need to stop asap before the circle of people on campus who know about her grows. The best way to minimize the possible embarasent for you is to tell your mom and dad.

[This message edited by Atrowspark at 9:03 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

Definitely not the same, but my step daughters had suspicions for years (seeing Tinder on their dad's phone, finding womens clothes/accessories, and more recently, being introduced to the OW and being told she is a "friend") and never said anything to me because of their loyalty to their dad. I completely understand that they didn't want to get in trouble, and also that they wanted to believe him, but I can't say it didn't sting.

I can't imagine how much worse it would be if it were my own flesh and blood who hadn't told me.

By no means is it going to be easy, but you really have to tell him. Just be as kind as you can be. He will be in pain, and it will feel like you caused that pain because you're the one who told, but ultimately the blame is entirely on your mom. You are doing him a favor by exposing this to him.

Just let your dad know as soon as possible. Your mother is behaving atrociously and she should be dragged over the coals by you and your dad for her behaviour. Your dad doesnt deserve to be kept in the dark.

Please tell your Dad! He will need you now & as a BS I can’t even imagine hearing this from an anonymous source.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but once your Dad knows you will feel somewhat better. Secrecy is never good. Your mom put herself in this situation & she needs to own it.

I cannot think of a worse thing to happen to a man. To have his wife cheating on him with a guy half her age and having his family cover for her.

Her Sister and his own son covering up for her. You are not in a court of law but you could have gotten those pics when you saw them.

Is your Dad that bad of a man he deserves what is happening? Did it occur to you that if you tell your Dad and confront your Mom and tell her she loses you if she leaves for a guy your age that it might snap her back to reality?

Don’t be anonymous protect your Dad. He sure could use someone on his side.

I'm so terribly sorry about the situation you find yourself in. That is a very heavy burden.

I, too, recommend you tell your father directly and not anonymously. Do not tell your aunt. Do not tell your mother. Do not give them a heads up. Tell your father.

If they have a heads up it will be used to run interference. You were warned that your mother will try to get you to swear to silence. She will do whatever is necessary to "protect" the choices she has made, IMO. Damage control will be implemented and you will carry that burden.

I read above that you should tell your father and then leave it be because it is between him and your mother. I disagree. You have been already profoundly affected. This has been a betrayal of you and the family you thought you were living in.

The university I attended so many years ago had psychological counsellors available for students. I don't remember if there was a charge or not. I didn't use the service. I bet the institution you are attending has student counselling service. I strongly suggest that you get counselling for yourself. Offer that advice to your father, too.

Apparently about 70% of betrayed spouses have PTSD. I did. I don't know how you would deal with that without counselling.

Again, I'm so sorry about the situation you're in. This should be a time in your life when you're preparing for the rest of your life and not carrying such a heavy burden. I wish you strength to carry on and get through this tragedy.

PNash, I read this and felt awful for you.

You are have to tell your dad directly, the news will not age well.

The longer you wait the longer you're helping your mom to have the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy & fantasy. Add in time, with time the affair illusion or better stated delusion, grows.

You sent a msg to your dad, anonymously. As a BS, he will dismiss the validity of the msg. Let's say he does confront her with no proof. I guarantee 99% she will deny and gaslight him. She will tell him it's from a disgruntled coworker telling lies.

BTW, You are directly involved and just as traumatized because the OM is your age and is within your circle of friends. Once this gets out, and it will, your ability to go that school will be extremely difficult.

Tell your dad, and sarcastically thank your Mom how she has ruined your life at that school. And your aunt doesn't win any prizes, tell your uncle about her part.

Women who support A's of others leans a dark path.

Do this not to be toward your parents, but to simply righting a wrong.

FYI,my step DD had to tell me.

How are you doing Pnash?

Pnash, was just thinking about you and hoping you are ok.

I know this must have been hard to deal with.

Not sure if you are still on here or reading this, but I feel for the situation you were put in. That's a hard road. Good luck.

Thanks for all your messages and advices, and sorry I couldn't post here earlier, I'm not sure if I'll end up making much sense typing it out though. A lot has been going on and I needed to make sense of it first. Not that I have been able to do that. But I've been getting messages from people who genuinely seemed to care if I Was okay and I would like to thank all of you for that. Really at this time, when I can hardly talk to anyone, this means a lot. So thanks a lot you all for being there!

After I had last posted most people suggested that instead of just the anonymous message I had sent had I should directly tell him about it. I could not find the courage to do that in person so I sent him an email, the same one I had sent anonymously earlier, from my own email address which was obviously in dad's contacts. Even wrote it was me who had sent the anonymous email. Dad was at work at the time, he called me sounding very distraught, just said 'Don't tell your mom anything, I'll talk when I get back. I am in a meeting.' and I was waiting for his call all day after that. It didn't happen. I was getting restless with waiting, so I decided I needed to take it further, I could not, still, bring myself to talk to mom about it directly, so I took my car and drove 4 and half hours to fucking Blackpool to meet my Aunt and confront her. Instead had my whole world flipped upside down. Not only did she knew, her husband knew as well. Hell, they had even been encouraging mom to be with someone 'who actually deserves her'! The reason Aunt had asked mom to break it off with that guy when mom confided in her wasn't because she was against mom being involved with another guy, but it was because that guy was much younger, and in her opinion mom should have chosen someone closer to her age and more setteled. As (according to her) she need to have some stability in her life now.

The reason for that, according to them no one in mom's family approved of dad when mom started to date him. Mom had fought with her parents at the time to marry dad, but apparently (according to them) dad proved them right when he got mom pregnant with me and 'ran back to India to his family in order to avoid my responsibility'. I know dad was working in India when I was born and he got back when I was 2-3 yrs of age. I was always told he used to visit, but (according to them) it turns out that's a lie mom had told me so I didn't have to grow up without a dad. Mom was finally able to convince dad to come back to her. But they think, he came back only for the money. Which is why he always kept going 'running back to India whenever he ran out of work or just couldn't handle the pressure. Mom would always let him come back and as she felt this would mean I didn't have to grow up wihtout a father, and she hoped maybe someday he'd really come back to her too. But according to them, every time during my childhood when I was told dad was away for work in India, he had actually decided to run away, and would return only when he was able to secure a contract to work here with another company. Dad was a Software Consultant and I knew he travelled a lot, not just to India, but all over Europe and America too. I obviously, thought of it all as a lie and let them know how I felt very strongly, upto a point I was almost about hit her husband for talking shit. I stopped myself and just turned back to leave Aunt ran after me pleading me, like literally tears and everything not to do anything rash or spoil mom's life, and what not. She asked to not act rash and come inside so she could 'show me' all of it was true. She showed me pictures of every time mom had visited their place when she felt lonely and guilty. Some photos fairly recent even to a few years back, at Aunt's place or at their parent's old house. I never knew of mom visiting their, or any of these visits she was showing me pictures from. She told me mom would just lie to us that she was going for a work trip abroad and would just go there, when living with dad in the same house became too much for her. According to her, after having lied to me about my dad for so many years and having built the happy family image in front of me even at home, mom couldn't muster up the courage to tell me it was all false so she continued living with dad to keep the facade up for my sake till I graduated and got a job and became financially independent. This why mom would have to lie about work trips when it all became too much for her and she would just go to Aunt's place to let it all out. WTF, right? I had always thought that my mom's side of the family were a bit of racist towards dad and that's why they didn't go well together, but this!

I don't even remember much of all that happened that day as I was pretty disgusted in everything and wasn't in the right frame of mind. I stormed out of their again got in my car and started driving back, but stopped after having nearly had an accident twice, ditched the car and started walking with no particular aim. Finally ended up taking up a room in an AirBnb and spent the night there. Next morning 78 fucking missed calls from mom. None from dad. 16 from Aunt. 5 from her husband. 3 from my mate. And a couple more from some of my other friends. Whatsapp and SMS notifications were a similar story. I didn't know when I had gone to sleep and woke up with a bad headache. Switched my phone off and drove back almost 5 hours back home. Reached home late in the afternoon. Opened the door mom was right there in the living room, crying with him embracing her. He was fucking there too. Mom got up seeing me but I turned around to leave looking at him there. He asked me to stop, told mom that we needed to have this talk and that I deserved to know everything. Assured her he was just outside in his car and just a call away if she needs him. Fucking kissed her forehead and left. I swear I would have almost killed someone in that moment. He leaves, mom asks me to sit down. I'm numb and sit down. She goes on to say something. I'm there but not really listening. Seems like a similar story Aunt told me. I don't know how long was I sat there for. At one point she gets up and goes to her room, comes back with her fucking Passport and puts it in front of me. Asking me to check it, all those work trips to Europe, she never went. Shows me her phone and photos of her at Aunt's place, her parents old house, saying how guilty she felt towards me, and towards them. I was just fumbling through her passport, definitely much stamps that were supposed to be there. Then I saw that stamp from the recent trip to Spain. Something snapped in me and I just up and left.

Tried calling dad like crazy, his phone was off. I was worried he might have taken some drastic step. I really feared the worst. Went to the police told them everything. They tried to call his office and told me that he actually hadn't gone to his office that day. They filed a missing person report for him and asked me to get in touch with his friends or people he might have gone to. I tried, it was late at night. Most either didn't answer or didn't knew about dad's where abouts. I thought about talking to my mate about it, but immediately felt very awkward now that he, presumably, knew everything too. Decided to call a couple of my other friends who lived on the Uni campus to see if I could crash with them for a few days. Spent the next couple of days trying to get touch with anybody who would have any idea about dad. Avoiding mom's calls untill the next day when I got a text from her that the police had come asking for me and she was worried. I didn't reply. Went straight to the police station, mom was already there. He was too. I avoided them as much as I could and just waited to be called in. The officer calls us in tells us since I had told them all of dad's family was in India they checked his immigration record and he had actually left for India the day before. Mom actually scoffs 'See I told you.' And again begging me to believe her now atleast. I avoided and asked the officer if there was any for them to get in touch with him to enquire his well-being. He told us they had sent dad an email and he should reply seeing an email from the police, but since his phone was off there was no other way for them to get in touch with him unless he wanted to be contacted. I had phone numbers of some of my cousins in India. So I left the station and tried to call them, no one answered. Messaged on Facebook, no answer. And then I was blocked by some of my cousins and relatives in India. I spent the next couple of nights at another friend's place. Kept calling my cousins to get in touch with them. Thought about going home to ask mom about contact details of other relatives in India. He was there again. I ended up almost shouting at mom, she didn't say anything just forwarded me all contacts she had on Whatsapp, kept asking me to come back home. He was still fucking there. Didn't even bother to go out this time. I left instead. Of my friends was visiting family for the weekend so their room in the Uni halls was empty for the weekend, I told him I was having some trouble at home he let me stay at his room for the weekend while he was away. I called all the relatives in India numerous times, most didn't answer but dad's cousin picked up abused me and mom for ruining dad's life and what not. Not hearing anything I had to say. Asked me not to call them any further. I didn't understand.

Got a call from the police the next day, dad had replied to their email saying he had gone by his own free will after knowing that his wife was cheating on him and asked them to keep me and mom and 'everyone of them' away as I had been harrassing him and his relatives there and since he was a British citizen, he wanted to pursue a restraining order against any one us trying to contact him or any of his relatives. The officer explained to me the way restraining orders work is that after being reported there has to be a hearing and a restraining order is issued as a sentence. He seemed genuinely concerned about me and advised me that I give it to him in writing (an affidavit) that I won't try contact dad or any of his relatives any more in order to avoid the hearing and sentencing as it would have affect my future and career. He said I should give it some time and dad might get back to me after he's calmed down, or it may also be possible that my mom wasn't absolutely wrong afterall given dad's history. I didn't understand. He told me when they checked dad's immigration records they noticed he had spent long periods of time abroad multiple times and suggested some people actually do that to avoid paying off debts when they move abroad to India or something, and tell the people they owe to that they have moved back to their home country. So those lenders think they're not going to return as they dont have jurisdiction outside UK, or it will be too expensive to chase that debt, the lenders just write it off as bad debt, or sell that debt to debt collectors in India or where ever the debtor has run to. When the debtor realises that the debt is no longer owed to anyone in UK, they return to live here normally.

Again all this seemed too much and I already didn't know what to think. Frankly I still dont.

I did what I was asked to do, gave them in writing on a legal paper. Wasn't in the right state of mind to go to any of my friend's place so went back home. No one was home, I entered went up to my room and hit the bed and just lay there for not sure how long. Got woken up by mom's voice from outside, followed by his. I thanked god that I hadn't turned my lights on as I didn't want to face mom and especially not him. The voices didn't last very long as they probably went downstairs and the voices just became distant mumblings to me. I decided I'd go downstairs and get something to eat after they're not there anymore. I heard the TV turn on for a few minutes, then it turned off. I got a call from mom on my phone. It was on silent, I didn't pick up. The voices came back upstairs. Both of them. He seemed consoling her saying something like he'll be okay he's an adult not just a kid, adn then, we'll keep trying him, I wont leave your side don't worry. Mom 'thank you' was abruptly silenced mid way, I didn't want to think it but maybe he kissed her to console her. I was uneasy. The door to mom's room opened and closed and silence. I waited for what seemed like about half an hour or so then just went out of the house. Didn't want to stay there with the thought of them sleeping together. Went to a McDonalds had a meal and roamed about for a while went back late at night, straight to my room and slept. Was getting out of the toilet next morning when mom got out of her room and saw me. The door to her room open behind her, I naturally looked in and he was sleeping on the bed. I didn't say anything just went to my room.

That's how it'd been for pretty much the whole of the next couple of weeks. I've started to spend much more time at the Uni but not really studying. The reality of it hit me when I hadn't realised it was Finals week and I had actually missed on of my exams. I crammed through the rest of the subjects somehow. He stayed with mom in our house all through. I somehow managed to totally avoid talking to either of them till earlier this month. When mom fell ill, I was in the Uni when I got a call from her work that she had low blood pressure and had to be taken to the ER. I got there, brought her home. Couldn't see her in that condition and when she asked me to just stay with her I did. She said she was sorry we were all going through this because she made some horrible decisions and then kept lying about dad with me my whole life, just so she could protect me. She was crying, I was too. She said she had thought of a lot of moments to tell me. But she could never muster up the courage to tell me that my whole life had been a lie as she couldn't have me hate her for it. Again kept telling me things about dad which seemed outrageous but she seemed genuinely crying and struggling with even saying all that. She said she had read the anonymous email and got terrified, but when dad didn't come back home, she immediately knew he would have run off again. Then when Aunt told her about me visiting her, she felt as if it was all over. She had thought I'd have done something to myself when I wasn't answering her calls. Crying again. I consoled her. She slept for a while. I got up to go out she woke up and stopped me. I sat back. She kept telling me about everything, then actually told me she had actually met him online not a year ago as he had told his friends but actually a couple of years before that on one of the websites. She wasn't looking for anything and just wanted to talk to someone nice. He sent her a request, she accepted. They chatted for a couple of months, and even added each other on facebook. First time I ever came to know that my mom used Facebook. I didn't say anything though. She said after a few months of friendly chatting it started to die down to just the occasional poke or randoms Hi's and Hello's or liking photos and stuff. Then they connected on POF, again not a month before they met, as he had told my mate at the party, but 'a few months of chatting online and getting to know each other better' before she finally agreed to meet him for a coffee. Then she went on to say how he was a wonderful person, patient, not pushy, caring, genuine and all that. Sat there listening for a bit, not saying anything and then he showed up. I left.

Mom has tried to bring this up a few times but it is usually her who is talking and telling me all this stuff about how he has been there for her during the most difficult time of her life, supporting her and everything. Aunt even tried to talk to me about it, trying to convince me to give him a chance because he has supported mom through all of this and is still with her, when all of this wouldn't actually have happened if it wasn't for him. Then there was the whole scene with his uncle and his family too. Like I said earlier, I am still at a point where I don't even know what to think or what to believe or what to feel. There are times I miss dad a lot, I really want to talk to him and ask him if everything I am being told here by everyone true. Or just for him to reply to one of my mail and tell me it is not true. But nothing like that has happened, and I don't understand why wouldn't he fight for it. There are also times, when I feel everyone is right and that maybe I am the one who is wrong here, or dad wasn't actually the person I believed him to be. In fact I'm not even sure if everything that I knew about my parents was ever true. I really don't know what to think, and I'm trying not to focus on any of that. Just waiting for my results to be out and then get on with the next semester. When that semester ends and the next academic year starts in September, I'll take up accommodation in the Uni halls. To be able to pay for it, I am going to start working again, despite what mom tells me about focusing on my studies. I do not want to be dependent on her money anymore. I cannot afford to live on my own at the moment, but I should be able to save enough to get into Uni halls when the next academic years starts. Maybe then I might be able to make better sense of all it.

I'm not sure if any of this made much sense. I've actually written it down over a couple of weeks, starting to write and then not feeling like continuing in the middle and shutting my laptop down, then picking it up again a few days later. There were email from this site about people's replies on the thread, and I would like to thank each and everyone of you for checking up on me all this time. Thank you, really. This is not something I can talk to anyone in my real life anymore, and just typing it out kind of helps me vent it out without doing any harm to myself or anyone else. It really makes me feel that humanity in this world is not all dead, and there still are good people around who don't even know me and still log-in here to either give me their suggestion or just to check up on me. Thanks a lot! Really, thanks a lot you guys.

Is your mom from India too? She needs to get rid of that "friend" of yours before she can even begin to repair things with you. What your dad did may have been wrong but it sounds like what your mom did and is doing is just as bad if not worse.

I'm so glad to hear from you again, PNash. I don't have any real words of wisdom for you. Just empathy. You have suffered multiple trauma on so many levels. A very difficult situation for you.

I hope you stay on SI even if it's to just vent and unload. I suggest journaling. Just pour your thoughts out on paper or electronically.

When I was in university so many decades ago now there was psychological help in student health services. I suggest this would be something to explore for you. It was a free service and I think most universities have such a service.

I hope the marks on your finals weren't harmed too much. If there is an issue using the psychological help and relating the trauma you've gone through could and should provide an out to temper any possible the possible negative results.

Thinking of you. Hoping for your best. Use SI to unload or for whatever you need to get through this trauma and thrive.