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At there age they can decide who they want to live with.

You can't stop her from introducing them to her other man so don't even waste time on that.

Once this is done you really don't even need to have any engagement with her. Your kids are old enough there doesn't have to be any pick up and drop off stuff.

You will need to move on so you can have a great life after.

Zero contact with the X after the D is finalized is your best path.

Having any contact at all will just keep you in this mess.

You are getting strong. You must stay in that mode.

You'll come out better if you do.

Keep everything on the down low until you have all the proof you need to go to court and prove adultery.

After you and your lawyer have the proof in hand and have informed your wife that divorce is coming, then contact other man's spouse. She may also have some proof that you do not. Or she might not believe you. Regardless, once you have made contact the ball is in her court. If she says don't ever contact her again then don't.

You are doing excellent. But you need to take care of yourself. Drink fluids, eat healthy, exercise, sleep, and stay away from alcohol. Hard to do - I know- but you have to do it for your kids and yourself. Your wife does not matter at this point.

Good luck.

AA...

For those advocating telling my kids at the appropriate time, remember they are teens. They are almost 16 and 14. I'm not sure "mommy has a boyfriend" is going to do it.

I guess I can be matter-of-fact. But I also know they will really hate their mother (although the oldest already isn't a huge fan.)

Please remember that your kids’ relationship with their mother is not your responsibility or your fault, however, being honest with them is your responsibility if you want to maintain a good relationship with them yourself.

Also, informing the OBS (other betrayed spouse) isn’t about stooping low, it’s giving her honest information about her life that her spouse is denying her.

Do not hide the A from her, otherwise you yourself are party to her betrayal.

I agree with others above, keep things quiet until your lawyer has what they need to file at-fault, and then file.

No confrontation needed, file and have her served...and also have the P.I. deliver evidence to the OBS that same day (once the P.I. finds her).

Your WW will come to you, no need to arrange a day to confront, file and undercut her completely...sole custody, exclusive use of the home, etc.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 6:11 PM, December 22nd (Saturday)]

For those advocating telling my kids at the appropriate time, remember they are teens. They are almost 16 and 14. I'm not sure "mommy has a boyfriend" is going to do it.

I guess I can be matter-of-fact. But I also know they will really hate their mother (although the oldest already isn't a huge fan.)

Whichever way you deem appropriate would do, just tell them the truth, don't let her introduce POSOM to them like someone she just met after the D, they need to know this is the man who helped her destroyed the M and broke their family, it could also help you tip the scale when they decide who they want to live with, they most likely wouldn't want to be around that POSOM that much if they can avoid it.

I do believe that you need to keep this under wraps for as long as possible. You have a lot at stake here financially, and you are correct----it would be beyond unfair if you are paying lifetime alimony for someone who not only quit on....but stepped out of....your marriage.

IF you are able to prove an at-fault divorce in court, I would advise that you take that direction. There is nothing saying that you can't give your to-be-ex wife more than she is legally entitled to AFTER the settlement, but if you use infidelity as leverage for a no-fault divorce, she may be able to find a way to undermine you. I hate to suggest that your wife may try to do something underhand like that, but if nothing else, she has proven to be untrustworthy. I'm sure that your lawyer can advise you best for your situation.

So, I got into their WhatsApp chat last night.

It's even more dramatic than I expected.

They're talking wedding plans. There was a fair amount of badmouthing of me and his wife. She said she intended to pawn her wedding ring and engagement ring and other jewelry I've given her through the years. She says she has deliberately never given me anniversary presents and hated that day.

Sigh.

I'm a little surprised that this isn't more upsetting -- but I think I'm just so squarely over it now and moving forward that it isn't affecting me.

The full-on fantasy they're having about spontaneous travel, etc. when they are married. Discussing what their wedding bands will look like.

I guess if they get married, that takes care of the alimony question.

Bastard wants my kids to like him. I guess that means I really do need to tell them more gory details. (No, OM isn't mom's new friend -- he's the one she cheated with).

I do feel bad for the OBS. From his descriptions of her, it sounds like she's a bit like me, bewildered, etc.

But, I cannot contact her yet. I still need the PI to get something actionable. These texts are not admissible in court.

You're doing great, when you confront make sure you tell her that since she never bought any anniversary presents, that the best gift for you going further is precisely not having to give one to her anymore and having her out of your house.

Like I said before, it's very important you tell your kids the truth, I'm glad you've realized why, don't even try to remain "friends" with her after the D is final, this woman is just toxic, of course once your kids know the truth, they probably won't want anything to do with POSOM, that alone should be important when it comes to custody.

She says she has deliberately never given me anniversary presents and hated that day.

Typical rewriting if the marital history.

You are doing great, whether you know of or not.

Edited to add..

If she hated that day so much, why not divorce already instead of turning into a POS.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 7:02 AM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

The texts may be admissible. You should save them. If, in a deposition, your attorney asks her a question pertaining to something in a text, and she denies it, he could then potentially use a text to impeach her. If he does it right, it makes them admissible. For example:

"Did you ever tell your AP that you plan to pawn your engagement ring and wedding ring?"

"No, I never said that."

"Let me show you the transcript of a message between you and POSOM. Does this refresh your memory?"

"Yes, I see, I guess I did say that."

"And you said it in the context of a WhatsApp chat with asshole, ocrrect?"

"Correct."

Also, the information could be useful to your PI.

You have handled yourself decisively, Sir. Good for you. There was a comment by goalong about cake eating. That was my life. WW cheating with a COW, travelling with him, his place 5 minutes from work and a caring, comfortable home to come home to, vacations, antique shopping, working on our lifetime goals. For 4 years. You have nipped this in the bud. Carry on. Be decisive.

When you get the proof and you will inform the OBS. She needs to know. She should get checked for STDs. If she hasn't been working on this from her side already she may well be feeling that something is very off and she doesn't know what. The suggestion to use the PI to inform her at the same time your WW is served is a good one.

Be honest with your children. They don't necessarily need details but they need to know the big picture of why their life as they knew it is destroyed. Even at their age they may believe that somehow they are at fault. Reassure them that they aren't. Let them know you are going to therapy. Let them know you will provide therapy for them if they feel they need it and suggest they do. It's somewhere to go to have an ear to listen to their concerns, fear, anger, whatever.

I'm so sorry you're here but you found the right place. Stay strong. Stay decisive. Be in control. Good luck to you and your children.

I do feel bad for the OBS. From his descriptions of her, it sounds like she's a bit like me, bewildered, etc.

But, I cannot contact her yet. I still need the PI to get something actionable. These texts are not admissible in court.

If your PI can get admissible evidence, you can then share it with the OBS and she'll be in a position to file on grounds as well. Be prepared though, many cheating husbands throw the OW under the bus once they're caught. It's one thing to do all that future-faking... but it's another to follow through. There's a reason why "future-faking" is a common term around here. Your WW could end up with no husband and no boyfriend. At that point, you'll want to be prepared for emotional entreaties. A wayward in ass-saving mode can sound truly believable, so have a plan in place to limit her access to you. Getting her moved out of the home on DDay would be optimal, but if all you can do is separate bedrooms, at least you'd have a little bit of space for yourself.

Question for those of you who have BTDT:

So, future fake or not, the WhatsApp discussion about getting married has me wondering about custody.

It's hard enough for a dad to get custody. But if she remarries and I am single, how might that affect a judge's perspective?

I also pay the entire mortgage on the marital home. Her financial contributions throughout the marriage have come in rare spurts.

I guess I had been operating under the assumption of 50/50 custody with the idea that the kids were old enough to basically make informed decisions where they wanted to live. But this "let's get married immediately" talk now has me spooked just a little.

What you read I think happened often with WSs. A story here, a WW cheating for 6 years and the AP died. Many years later husband found their emails and saw many nasty comments about him. When he confronted, WW collapsed in grief. So do not feel bitter/angry. Your WW is selfish or angry for some perceived reason that you did not care about her. All this things are in the past and you are looking forward. You cannot change the past. Who she is what she has become, a toxic person to you. So you need to take steps as if you are dealing with someone who is looking to harm you.

Regarding custody, You said you are doing most of the work at home. Make your kids choose you as they are teens

"let's get married immediately"

. won't happen that soon, especially when OBS come to know and most probably the POSOM is taking her for a ride to keep the affair going. this also shows she is in immature love land

[This message edited by goalong at 9:17 AM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

AA, your kids will have a lot of say in where they live because of their age. The judge will not give priority to your STBXWW and OM just because they're married. It is very important that you talk to your kids soon about what is going on.

Your kids are older. I suspect they will be able to say who they want to live with. (Check with your attorney). Plan out what/how you're going to tell them about what's going on. This will affect them too.

They are old enough to be informed so they can have a say in their future.

The affair she has been financing with family income may also play a big part. Make sure you've secured all your evidence and keep it in a safe place your STBXW won't detect it.

Your amount of time and effort in the home and raising your kids may also play a part. Document, document, document.

As you now have had a look into their plans make sure you put all efforts into getting the best deal possible. Do not let your feelings or emotions deter you from that. From what you've posted they would gladly take everything from you without a second thought.

You are their enemy. She's done this to justify her deplorable actions. Treat them the same. Do not back down. Its now just a business transaction and they aren't a thing to you.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:38 AM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

I agree that your children are old enough to be able to make their own decisions which will weigh heavily since they are older. They deserve to know the truth but I'd definitely speak with a therapist about the best ways to handle it (since you are already going to one).

OBS should know for sure and I agree that although unfair, keeping the information from the OBS is not good. Your wife has put you in a very difficult position but one that you need to consider carefully. You had your agency stolen and so has OBS. Both of you have the right to determine your life under circumstances that are real.

I'm sorry you are in this position. Please, don't think you owe your wife anything at this point. She didn't consider you or the children with all of her actions. History with wayward spouses shows kindness allows them to take more and puts the betrayed spouses in even more pain. I read so much advice here and really didn't heed it initially because of course, my circumstances were "different" and my WS not like the rest. I was wrong and my fellow SIers were right. Of course you have to do what you need for your circumstances.

I'm sorry for your pain and suffering. Know that you are good and you are right in getting into therapy to determine why you allowed this in your life. It isn't your fault...know that for sure. If things were bad and your wife wanted out, she should have said something rather than lying and cheating behind your back. That's cowardly and undeserved no matter what.

(((AuckyAucky)

ChamomileTea is spot on. After the confrontation... you'd be surprised at how many OM throw the WW under the bus. Its common knowledge that most men don't like to lose half their stuff (or more) in a D settlement. When this all goes down be prepared for your WW to be proclaiming her undying love for you and how the whole charade was nothing more than a mistake.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:25 PM, February 8th (Friday)]