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Brokenhearted81 ( member #40944) posted at 2:43 PM on Tuesday, January 1st, 2019
I’m my opinion A’s are like mold. They grow stronger in the dark. So the less light you shed on them the stronger they stay. Same with Cheating Spouses. The accountability of knowing they messed up and others know along with really OWNING it makes them less likely to mess up again. I personally feel to really own the A you have to be willing to not only show remorse for it but be willing to out yourself and truly say “yes I made that choice once but look where/what it got me”.
Married in 2003
Dday sept 26 2013
3 children
Working on R
Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 5:16 PM on Tuesday, January 1st, 2019
InPieces
If you are still there I wanted to add my thoughts to the conversation.
I don’t think you should out him to anyone although you have the right to, whether you R or D.
No, instead, he should.
InPieces, if he’s a truly remorseful WS he should want to let everyone important know that he has hurt you terribly and that he will spend his life trying to fix what he has damaged.
He, of course, should discuss with you who you feel comfortable knowing what has occurred. And you should discuss the level of detail he provides.
But a truly remorseful WS would want to do this to ask that they support you thru the pain you are going thru and to hold him accountable for his actions in the future, especially those that will help you heal.
Just my 2 cents for you to consider.
Good luck.
[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:16 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)]
fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:55 PM on Tuesday, January 1st, 2019
IIRC, in at least one of the seminal works on recovering from infidelity, the author suggest outing the A as a way of stopping it.
I've always had a different view - what's so important about stopping it? It's relevant only if R is on the table, IMO, so before outing it, I think it's way more important to know if you want R.
Second, if it takes an external force like the disapproval of family and friends to stop an A, is it worth stopping it? If R is to succeed, isn't it a lot better for your WS to stop the A of her own accord?
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Broken1Again ( member #32211) posted at 4:48 AM on Sunday, January 6th, 2019
I think only you can know what to do in a situation like this. Yes, you will burden your kids with this, yes they will struggle with feelings towards their dad. Are you not telling to protect them? Or him? If it’s to protect them, then don’t tell
Them. That’s what we as parents try and do. Protect our kids. There’s no shame in that. If you’re doing it to protect him, then that may not be good enough reason. He knew this could all blow up in his face when he started this . He should have thought about that before hand.
Only you can make this decision. Do what’s right for yourself and your kids. It doesn’t have to be the “popular” decision. Just has to be the best decision you can make presented with all the facts you know.
WS and I together 31 years.
Two kids 26/23
20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:17 PM on Sunday, January 6th, 2019
I told everyone.
If WH lies to ME, he’ll lie to anyone.
Everyone should be warned of that
[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 9:36 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]
BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas
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