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Possibly the best decision I have made in my life is a policy of total honesty. I simply don’t lie… It started as a decision regarding communications with my wife, but it turns out that it’s hard to have one policy for some, and something else for others. So, I simply do my best to always be honest.

No – I don’t go and tell my co-worker that her dress is terrible, nor do I tell my host that their meatloaf is inedible. I won’t tell my BIL that his new car is the same color as turd. Honesty is not an excuse to be rude or abusive. But if I am asked something of consequence I will tell the truth as I see it. If I am asked to do something I will either accept the task and do it or refuse in a clear way so someone else can do it. If I make a commitment that commitment will be met and served.

This includes how I talk to my wife and what we do. If she asks me to do the dishes I do them. If I am busy I tell her and explain why. I don’t promise and then don’t do. One side-effect of striving to be honest is that at first the amount of conversation that leaves your lips drops. You do more LISTENING and less talking. After all – probably a third you say is excuses, explenations and grumbling. Once you remove the need for that you can replace the time with conversation.

Change your life that way. One other-benefit is that if you want to be totally honest you need to control your finances. Honesty will clean up bad financial habits. By being constantly open and honest and by consistently doing what you committed to do at the time you are expected to do it… You slowly but surely gain back trust.

With time… You also earn the right to request to be trusted. Yes – your wife will point to the affair and yes, she’s correct about it. But if you have been open and honest and reliable for 5 years or more… well… to me you would have earned the right to say that that was then but this is now.

I have to agree with some of what DaddyDom said. There is no "make". This is no longer about you and certainly is not about being able to manipulate her. Your actions moving forward may "help" her to believe in you more or they may reinforce her current thoughts. That is up to you and your actions.

The only way for you to be believable is to be completely transparent in EVERYTHING that you do. My WW hid her EA from me, blameshifted on me, lied about sending photos, lied about how long it was going on, and put our entire family in danger due to her EAP's "interests". I had to dig and find it on my own which only makes me think that there is more out there that will someday resurface and put me back at square one.

TT is not your friend. Being completely honest is the ONLY way she even has a chance to believe you and you have to back it up with your actions. Good Luck !

Practical suggestion, in case you've not already done it: make a detailed written timeline of your A. Include all of the dirty details. Cross-reference it to the family calendar and note what your BW was doing at the times you were having sex with your AP.

Start it from the first time you met your AP. Devote some time to the process of deciding to have sex with your AP, including your mental and emotional gymnastics. Tell her exactly what you said and did the first time you came home to your BW after sex with the AP.

Use this document as a working record that you will build and supplement as she asks questions and you recall additional details.

I want my WS to have not cheated.

That's about the only way I'll believe anything he says ATM.

This... definitely this....become a believable person.

No – I don’t go and tell my co-worker that her dress is terrible, nor do I tell my host that their meatloaf is inedible. I won’t tell my BIL that his new car is the same color as turd. Honesty is not an excuse to be rude or abusive. But if I am asked something of consequence I will tell the truth as I see it. If I am asked to do something I will either accept the task and do it or refuse in a clear way so someone else can do it. If I make a commitment that commitment will be met and served.

If you become impatient with her, count the lies you told: each call, text, sexual act with your ap, every negative thing you told the ap about her, every positive attribute you believed about the ap, every lie or omission you may have tt about the A... Then give her a month of telling only the truth for each of these lies for her to even begin to think of trusting you again.

Lest you think I am being harsh, I do wish you both peace and healing. I just think there is a natural tendency to underestimate the life altering nature of the lies that were told.

I will never again believe my WH. I suppose I could be ultimately proven wrong, but I do not see it .

He will never again be given the benefit of the doubt (and will all respect to ThisIsSoLonely, I don't believe him either - I guess from my lens "believe" is akin to getting the benefit of the doubt. Or maybe more the Cephastion view of being ok with some things, but not others? ).

BUT -

I really echo what others posted.

Honesty as the new religion

A BS may know you are lying even if s/he doesn't call you out on it (but your trust goes back to zero)

The LITTLE lies count too - saying they were out of bagels at the store when you forgot to get them is the kind of thing that can make a BS see red all over again).

DaddyDom and Cephastion's posts about control and making who see what - spot on. IMO DD's advice to focus on you is good.... but remember in the meantime, you MUST be 100% honest in EVERYTHING. If you ate the last cookie - you fess up BEFORE you are caught (again, the little things).

Personally, if WH and I end up in D, it will have far far FAR more to do with his actions / choices / behavior AFTER dday than before. May sound strange, but that's how much damage happens when a WS continues to manipulate and control by withholding and TT (tho the lack of progress is also a big factor). It's funny to me that WSs see and read this EVERYWHERE, yet continue to do it (and whoever said it's the same kind of thinking is right. The same thinking that says "I'm different than those other adulterers, I won't get caught" during the A, is what can put the M into the coffin despite the A).

And Luna10 hit something it seems to be hard for a WS to grasp:

Trusting that if he says “I love you” and “i miss you” to me he isn’t having an affair at the same time..... the sad part is that your wife not only will always find it hard to believe you but she’ll find it hard to believe anybody so much again.

So while you worry about her trusting YOU, you miss an opportunity to show empathy by worrying about her trusting ANYONE.

If you become impatient with her, count the lies you told: each call, text, sexual act with your ap, every negative thing you told the ap about her, every positive attribute you believed about the ap, every lie or omission you may have tt about the A... Then give her a month of telling only the truth for EACH of these lies for her to even begin to think of trusting you again

Wow - great way to put it Shehawk!

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:30 PM, January 12th, 2019 (Saturday)]