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My kids do know about their mothers A and saw the damage it did to me in the aftermath. My kids have even come to me privately and told me I should divorce their mom. I consistently let them know that whatever issues I may have with their mom does not allow them to disrespect her and she does the same if they insult me. The girls will have to learn a new way of life going between 2 households but I think that once the initial shock wears off they will find their new normal. My w and I don’t hate each other and with the kids being mostly grown any parenting issues we have will be minimal. We know that even apart we are still their parents and that any negativity we have for each other can negatively affect the girls.

Your story is similar to mine with the exception that I had proof of a physical affair and a full confession.

She did almost everything right. Was remorseful. Was willing to do any therapy wanted to stay married like breath

But like you, I just could not live with the disrespect. My gut was screaming on DDay to leave. Probably a character fault of mine by letting my pride get in the way.

But I just didn’t like myself, and ultimately hated myself for how I interacted with her. Tender moments were almost non existent. If she reached for my hand, I would start thinking about when would be the best moment to pull back. I was a shit, and felt shitty about it

She was crushed as she thought after 5 years were were safe. Not good like we were before, but safe. My kids were crushed. They suspected cheating,but actually thought it was me that did it.

Thing is, you gave it a shot. She is responsible for the outcome. It’s never easy, but sometimes we just have to follow our own path.

Good that things are amicable.

For our whole 20 year marriage I had told her an A would never be tolerated and would end in a D.

I told my wife from the time we came exclusive until a week before I busted her that an A was something I would not tolerate and would mean the end of our marriage.

Seems like you made it abundantly clear, ahead of her affair, what your position was.

Just curious. Do you think she saw this guy as the next vine to grab onto before letting go of you? In other words since she knew the consequence ahead of time, was her intention to have an exit affair?

Ramius- I think you are on the money with your statement. I think she was attracted to the AP and since he was a complete stranger she was able to manipulate her mind into believing the divorce story to push out all the guilt and craziness. Then she got so infatuated that the fog just took over. The craziest part was that she was ready to theow away 20 years for a guy she had only been around for a few hours. She literally spent 8-10 hours total, not each day, over a 3-4 day cruise, almost exclusively with 3 other ladies and she fell head over heels for the guy. Her best friend ,who is a friend of the marriage and loves us both dearly, said she could not have spent more than a couple of hours alone with the guy and all of it in publishing c spaces. When she got home and I picked the ladies upat the dock you could tell she was thrown off and in hindsight she seemed like she was disappointed that I hadn’t been there to serve her D papers. The first time my gut screamed something was wrong is when a one hour car ride was spent in virtual silence with 4 ladies in a car. Later I found out that the 3 other ladies were just rolling their eyes at the BS my wife was spewing when she did talk.

Waitedtoolong- our stories are very similar. My wife did lie and hide a ton of stuff at first. She says she has told me everything over the last few years but I needed that on dday if there was any chance for us to salvage our M. Her TTing me only led to resentment and distrust that has not gone away. We are affectionate and only had a couple of short lived issues with intimacy but the mental part has always been there. The fact that she could do that to me, get busted, lie, coverup, blameshift and then tell me it was not that bad was the death of our marriage. It just took me a long time to see it was dead.

How did your wife take it when you told her about your plan to divorce her?

Are you divorcing because she ain't doing the word a wayward is supposed to?

Cule, she was upset but says she understands why I want to leave. This has been a 5 year struggle and she has known D was a real possibility. It took a few months after dday for her to realize just how bad she had messed up but since then she has done just about everything a ww is supposed to do to help a BS. We disagree on a couple of things but for the most part she has done an admirable job of helping me heal.It really just boils down to the fact that I am not a person that can be in a relationship that is tainted with adultery. There is something deep in side of me that despises cheating on all its forms and I am unable to be with a person that would do that to me. Even when my life would be so much easier if I stayed married to my W I just cannot do it.

shellshocked14:

It sounds like you have always felt like your WW’s A was a dealbreaker, but you swallowed your pride for many years to make it work. I hope the decision to D can bring you some peace.

I was curious if anything in your relationship with your WW had changed over the last few months which brought you to this point.

In August you both went to MC with a take no prisoners pastor.

After counseling you posted on August 22, 2018:

“Today we are on the same page, planning for our future and looking forward to the next chapter in our lives together. Our 24th Anniversary was on Monday and the anger I had felt the previous three years wasn’t there. I am able to tell her when I see her when the A is on my mind and I seem a little distant.”

What has changed since last August if you don’t mind sharing?

Good luck to you as you move ahead in your new life.

The problem is that I was telling myself everything was fine and I could live with what she did. I am not. After counseling I just had this feeling of despair and it never went away. I said all the right things and just smiled when our close friends and family that knew asked how I was doing. I was more concerned with pleasing everyone else than listening to my head and heart. The wife never really did anything to cause me to have some sudden change of heart. From dday on I knew I would never be ok and I did my best to do what was best for everyone but me. In a nutshell cheating is my ultimate deal breaker and I could no longer swallow my pride and act ok.

I decided after 8 years in R that his affairs were ultimately a dealbreaker and I deserved better than a cheater.

Best decision I ever made.

It is OK that to decide it is a dealbreaker.

It's okay to decide that cheating is a deal breaker no matter how great your WS is after DDay. A BS never owes the WS R. It's a gift, not a right.

It is really sad that a 20+ year marriage is coming to an end because of a self admitted bout of short term insanity.

May I ask though, did she ever give you a real reason for doing something that she knew would end the marriage? This excuse is a complete fantasy. It's not real in the slightest. She wasn't invaded by body snatchers for the duration of the A. She made concrete choices and knew the consequences every step of the way.

Staying in this marriage and being happy may have never been in the cards for you but I don't find it surprising that your WW never did the work of R if she's still claiming ridiculous things like temporary insanity.

Nek, To this day she still claims that she lost her mind and did something stupid. She went on a 4 day cruise and started pursuing an A with the comedian on the boat. Once off the boat she continued pursuing a relationship with the guy so my thoughts are it was conscious decision to have an extramarital affair without any regard for her husband and 2 kids. She can make all the excuses she wants but that is how I still see it. She tells me he wasn’t that attractive amd that the only physical contact they shared was one kiss, just a lingering kiss on the lips no tongue. My thought is she is lying about this like she did everything else. Temporary insanity would be getting off the boat and realizing you F’d up and you better get back on track. If she had done this I would have never known. Guess she made a very bad choice that ruined a family.