SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are hurting. I know you are going to counseling. I think you are using busy work to maintain and that won't work. And talking to the AP will only destroy an already tense relationship. Have you thought about participating in group counseling? There are groups that you can attend that focus on different mental health diagnosis. For example, where I work, we have groups for those with bipolar disorder, for schizophrenia, for many other diagnosis. There are support groups that you can attend.

Root you didn't Fuck anything up. You are being affected by your mental illness.

My comment was more directed to those who want to place responsibility on your husband in some form.

Your fighting a battle against an unrelenting enemy that doesn't take a break, doesn't fatigue and doesn't relent.

(((((ROOT)))))

Root,

PLEASE DONT CONTACT AP

I understand the wanting to escape mentally, to try and ease the pain. But just like with drugs or alcohol, it’s temporary relief & after it wears off you will feel worse than before.

I am worried about you...... can you increase the frequency of your IC?

Let's self-assess here. You are aware of all these self-destructive impulses and you have kept yourself together.

I admire your strength!

Root, I just wanted to throw my support your way too. Sounds like you're circling the self-sabotage route. You sound incredibly distraught and trying to find anything to make it stop. You know that some of the choices you're talking about are only going to make things worse for you ie contacting AP, drinking or drugs. Keep posting here. Keep talking. Have you had your meds reviewed lately? You've been struggling for awhile now.

My best to you. This sounds excruciating for you.

(((Root))) the thoughts you are having sound a lot like intrusive thoughts. I had to find the right medication for them to minimize/ go away.

Do you have an IC you talk to on a weekly basis? I think that would be really helpful too.

Focus on your self care until you feel healthy enough to look at your M.

Do you have any girlfriends that you can meet somewhere whenever you feel lonely? My support sysytem has helped my loneliness. My WS hasn't been home before 10pm for 11 years now and I understand your fears and have been through them. You have to work on feeling ok all by yourself.

I hope you feel some peace of mind soon. Please be gentle on yourself.

I blame myself. I was lucid but shaky when BH got home. Here's what happened.

He was gone for 24 hours out of town. I got 2 texts. I'm here and OTW. I realized there was no good response so I didn't answer the 2nd one. 3 hours later he texts "I'm home can I do something. I don't want to fight with you. I want to help but I don't know what to do" Sounds nice except I've heard this before. I blame myself. I stared at that text for 5 minutes. I finally answered "I need to find someone else to talk to like a support group" He asked me out to dinner. Said he'd meet me somewhere to talk. I asked him what he wanted to talk about. I'm not falling into this trap where I end up provoked where my complaints are blamed on BPD. He gets mad so yeah no.

He said he wanted to talk about us and work. Ok I'll talk about work but I am NOT talking about us so I agree. He shows up with a stack of paper and a to do list. I'm not avoiding you he says I'm busy. See here is my list. He's angry. I said you're right what can I do for you? What do you need from me? Keep in mind he spends at least 20 hours a week watching tv. I do not bring this up. It will make him angrier.

I have to get ready for work but he kept talking about needing down time, alone time, time away. I said ok. I said I would "take myself off his plate". I was calm. He didn't want this. I said ok where do I fit on that list? Am I on it at all? He softened and said work is taking over his life. BTDT this isn't new. He's been this way for 28 years.

I said ok how much time can you give me? Date night maybe? He agreed. We negotiated a weekly date night and I agreed to leave him alone the rest of the time. He offered more time but I'd rather it happen organically. I don't want to be another item on his check list. I agreed to a date night as a I don't know a start??

I still have to learn how to calm myself down. I need a board. I feel bad doing it here. I think I'm a bother. Been here 6 years and still can't get this right.

Once a week therapy won’t cut it when I’m triggering on a Sunday.

But you posted this and triggered on a Wednesday. You keep dodging the IC thing. I take it that you are not currently in therapy. You don't need a board, you need professional help from a therapist preferably one that specializes in bipolar and BPD. And then when you do trigger on a Sunday you could practice what IC teaches you.

There's no problem that I see with you coming here to vent and seek out help. I think we ALL want to help you no matter what you are facing. BUT you have to help yourself, we or any other board can only do so much. It's temporary relief using us, you need something sustainable you need proven tools and skills to manage. I can only think of one thing that's going to get you these tools.. IC

I still have to learn how to calm myself down.

again, IC.

What do have against IC??

I’ve been in and out of IC for 20 years. Thousands and thousands of dollars on 6 therapists who misdiagnosed me. Put me on meds that made me worse. I was a cash cow to one of them. I decided to take a break. I’m burned out. Got tired of bad advice. I’ve learned more here than I ever did in therapy in regards to infidelity and BPD too honestly.

In defense of my therapists they did help I just couldn’t make it stick because no one caught on that I was bipolar despite me practically handing them every symptom. It was BH who figured it out during R after I suffered a bad injury. I kept hurting myself and BH was like stop. I said I can’t. My sister and both her adult daughters are bipolar. They are way worse than me so I assumed I didn’t have it.

How do you maintain your meds? Psychiatrist? I am just asking because my sister is BP and anytime she's gone down to her regular GP he screws her up on it. The Psychiatrist does too sometimes but keeps up better in correcting it.

She's tried IC as well, she doesn't feel like it benefits her correctly either. I think they gave her a few exercises to try when she is anxious but the reality is that her Bipolar isn't something that "healing the past" and those types of things addresses. She has not bean diagnosed with a personality disorder, but I often wonder if it's being missed.

I dont mean to hound the IC subject, it's just things are different now. You have a dx and you can shop around to find someone who will suit you and your needs. You don't know with all you've learned about yourself how IC can be a completely different experience for you. That's all I'm trying to get at. It's not going to be like before because of the knowledge you've gained.

I know all too well how therapeutic SI can be. I too have learned an abundance of things here and I used it as my lifeline in between ICs. But we ain't therapists. No one is tracking my progress and no one is holding me accountable and everything else only IC can give me.

You are desperate for help and tools to manage your mental illness and we are limited in this area where you are concerned. Nothing is ever going to change for you if you dont explore every avenue. And my heart breaks for you every single time you post because the bottom line is I or we cannot help you like you so need. Sure, we can talk you down but noticed how no one is giving you solid sustainable advice and tools, only to say medicate it more and Root you KNOW that's not enough. We can only give you what we know but it simply doesn't work the same for you. This, hounding IC, is the way I know to help you.

So, you dont want IC, that's your prerogative and I'll stop with it. But going through life with temporary relief only to be here again and again.. that's no way to live. And I implore you to do more for yourself, to dig deep and figure out what you really want and how to achieve health by any means possible.

Root,

I don't have as much to contribute here as many of the others do. But I always read your posts because I want you to get better. Something that I always leave with after reading your posts is that 1) you don't seem to love yourself, in fact you may even hate yourself? 2) you seem to think EVERYTHING is your fault (I am not talking affair related here).

Not every bad thing is your fault. Not everything negative that happens or every dispute is because of your BPD or because you had an affair.

Can you do marriage counseling? I think it would help to have someone help you sort out what is BPD or WW/BH stuff vs what is normal for a wife wanting from her husband and vice versa. Date night is a good start but you shouldn't feel like you are bothering him if you want more time. If he truly spends 20 hours per week watching TV and that bothers you and he gets mad if you talk about it, that could be a good issue for a marriage counselor to help you with.

You have mentioned you have a child on the autism spectrum. I do, too. That is a lot to deal with even without having a mental illness.

Root, I want you to get better. What do you need to do to start? You are worth getting better.

Root,

You guys have a long history of learned behaviors and you guys will not be able to unlearn those behaviors over night.

As far as your husband goes...he sounds like a guy who needs a list. So let him put you on the list. He offered more time..and you turned it down because you want it to look a certain way.

Although I do agree with previous poster in the regard that you don't love yourself so I don't think you receive ANYTHING good. He could be giving you flowers everyday and I think you would still be hurting. I don't think you see the value in yourself...so all the good things you do...you don't notice.

You are SO WORTHY of the good things that you have and that will come you way....we want you to get better so that you enjoy them.

Please consider at least re-evaluating your meds.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 12:58 PM, February 7th (Thursday)]

Hikingout I’ve seen no less than 100 doctors in 15 years (before IC). I was hospitalized for a week for excruciating pain that had no obvious source. I was discharged after tests revealed nothing and I was instructed to “relax”. Not one doctor suggested therapy or a psych evaluation.

Anyway once we were convinced I was bipolar it took probably a year to find someone to prescribe meds. I’m told there are more patients than doctors here for mentally ill people. Until then I took ADs that my GYN gave me. It was better than nothing.

Ended up finding this psych nurse who can prescribe meds. She’s the first person that’s taken me seriously. She considers me a great success. Says my spiraling is minor considering where I came from. I am honest and BH is there with me. Her goal isn’t to make me happy it’s for me to function. Feed myself, get dressed, shower, take care of my kids, etc. I was bedridden at the time. R crushed me.

She prescribed the anti anxiety meds a year ago. I know now that was the cause of my physical pain. I no longer have that pain.

Back to work. I’ll post more later.

Root...you are such an amazing person. You should be awe of your strength... I know I am.

Me too ^^^

I am BPD which comes with narcissistic fleas. I can’t be a full blown N otherwise I’d never call myself this. My delusions have always had me thinking I’m more amazing than I really am (part of my infidelity story). These days I crash as evidenced by this thread. 3 days later I’ll be back to thinking I’m good again. I’m probably using the wrong word. Good is too strong. Those days are over anyway. See after I recover from the crash I can’t remember it enough to know why BH is still distant. I’m fine so I think he is fine too. Object consistency maybe? Not sure what to call what this is.

I have an idea that I need help with. I have to get ready for work now so I’ll ask later. I need to know how to handle the weekends. The goal is me not being a burden to BH. I want to let him go.

My delusions have always had me thinking I’m more amazing than I really am (part of my infidelity story). These days I crash as evidenced by this thread. 3 days later I’ll be back to thinking I’m good again. I’m probably using the wrong word. Good is too strong.

Your description of yourself describes BPD very well. The cycling that you go through from depression to manic. Feeling amazing is that manic state. That is when you have grandiose thinking, rapid thoughts, pressured speech That crashing is when depression kicks in. If you dont mind me asking, what medication did she prescribe for you? Seroquel, Abilify?

I’m on lamictal and Ativan.

BH wants time alone so I booked him a nice hotel for the weekend. I need this time to figure out how to survive the weekends on my own. This fucking sucks. People with BPD should not ever marry those who travel, loners or those who work 70 hours a week.