SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your scale is tilted in the wrong direction. What she/he had, pales in comparison to what they lost.

Look at what you wrote. You don't really care if she stays or goes, You know how much you loved her, and I will bet so does she. If you can no longer stand the sight of her, do not want her touch and have no desire to even breathe her air, then which value is really important? The loss of the forever is much greater than a momentary dream. A truly remorseful wayward would give anything for the innocence of yesterday. For the unconditional love you once gave.

The scale is tilted in the other direction.

That is the reality of a fantasy.

OMG, I totally needed to read this today.

Pureheartkit:

There are two things that can happen after. One is the limerent feeds the fantasy and still believes in it. That can go on for years. Second is, the limerent sees the person as they actually are and the situation for what it really was. They understand how Limerence has distorted their view of the limerent object, themselves and the connection between them.

A limerent is often manufacturing an ideal situation to get something emotionally. It's usually one sided and can be extremely strong.

Check. I feel that Mr. Dory still believes in his fantasy. He is trying so hard to stop, but I am resentful that he has to TRY SO HARD...ykwim?

Rideitout:

Yes, the feelings he has for me are real, but they aren't as strong (in my eyes) as the fake ones that he has for her.

EXACTLY. I substituted your pronouns but this is exactly how I feel. And I resent feeling like that. This is on me, not him. I guess time will help. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

My husband was also in love. So in love that he continue to lie and gaslight for another 4 months after dday and look his daughter in the eyes knowing her world may collapse any day (as his AP was threatening to call me) and he continued lying. Until he had a mental breakdown one day and then he confessed to continue to be “friends” and did all the begging and all the promises in the world. He stated for months on end that he hated her, it turned really ugly towards the end, threats to call me, dialling my number and hanging up in front of him as he was begging her not to call me, telling him she’ll destroy his life etc. I don’t know if I could believe what comes out of his mouth at all but it sounds plausible.

If that is love then God save me not to ever experience it. We can romanticise drama like this in books. People so passionate about each other that they end up killing each other or dying together etc. In reality I bet my WH was wishing to wipe it all off rather than experience such love.

Anyway you know what made me realise how much of a fantasy this is? The moment when I was pondering on who I am and his past legitimate girlfriends. All of us either beautiful physically or if not stunningly beautiful, quite intelligent. Or both. And it hit me that his AP was neither. She is barely able to spell. She talks in slang. She doesn’t read. She doesn’t strive to continuously learn and improve herself. As to the physical aspect she was at best mediocre. That’s when she really makes an effort, she could be considered pretty(ish). Therefore it dawned on me that she is not his type. He wouldn’t have dated her in real life, he would have maybe had casual sex a few times but then become bored to death as they had nothing in common and a lot of her “qualities” in the affair he actually found annoying in real life (her crudeness and the type of person that is always right and people always wrong her).

In that moment I asked him: if you were single do you believe you would have had a proper relationship with her? He looked at me and the penny dropped: he realised in an instant that everything was a fantasy. That in real life she would have never been part of his life, at least not once he’d realise her limitations. So yeah, that’s affair love: love for a person that you project, not for the person that the AP really is.

Not that it feels much better to know my WH sacrificed me, our kids, our achievements, our dreams for that...

[This message edited by Luna10 at 7:01 PM, March 1st (Friday)]

A person in Limerence may act out of character and do very foolish things. They may take risks that seem entirely justified at the time. Many limerents are more adventurous. Common sense is often turned off. Something is definitely going on there in the brain. It is a strong strong infatuation.

Limerents can become stalkers if the object rejects them or even if the object is unaware. Limerents sometimes place themselves in peril to get the object to notice them or bond with them. If an object becomes bored with a limerent, it can be excruciating for the limerent. It can also be painful for the object if they love the limerent and the Limerence wears off and there really isn't a reciprocal feeling. Limerence can really hurt as well if both are limerent but one ceases to be and severs the connection.

Limerence can come on out of nowhere. Limerent people need to be aware and set boundaries and strategies to cope with the obsessive feelings.

What someone posted about their spouse getting/giving a 10 to the OM/OW while the best the betrayed spouse can expect is a 6 or 8, is what makes it difficult in many cases for long term recovery.

I think my W gave me an 8 for the first month or two of our relationship, this sets up the feeling that my W settled for me in terms of love and physical attraction.

Her affair was bad enough then she went back for round 2.

Maybe you should just put everything aside and think about what you'd like/want.

We all have a choice get a say in our life.

If it truly is Limerence, it might not be possible for the person to replicate after Limerence has ended. They might not be inspired to write all he letters, poems, do the things they once did. I would rather have a person at who they are rather than one in Limerence looking at me through a fantasy lens, acting out of character. Yes, Limerence brings euphoria and the limerent goes to great effort to please the object or obsessed about the object if there is no contact, but that will come to an end and sometimes abruptly.

Being jealous of the object is understandable but expecting a person to act he same when they are not limerent is going to be disappointing. Maybe better is to love the person and help them understand Limerence so that if it comes again, they can talk through their feelings. Some limerents have told me they could stir the feelings a bit with someone who really understood and get emotional, maybe not euphoric but still very passionate. Sometimes it's role playing or language that helps that along. Limerence is a fantasy.

I think it's sad for those limerents who idealized their object and never got out of that fantasy. For some, they go back and back to that never seeing the reality, only their own creation. Some worship an impossible dream in the past while there is a perfectly good person right here to love them flaws and all. Limerents must always be careful not to throw away the good love they have chasing or dreaming of a fantasy that makes them feel good. Also, they must be careful of starting into relationships while limerent with people who are wrong for them as they may get used or ignore bad traits while being in Limerence.