SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me neither. It is a sad state of affairs, though. I have been thinking a lot lately about three women who I know quite well. Emma married in her early twenties and had two children almost immediately. As her marriage progressed, she became increasingly sexually frustrated. As you said, the more she pushed for sex the more her husband retreated. Eventually Emma divorced him and their sexual problems were a major reason for her to divorce. Sadly, Emma later remarried (and then divorced) a man who cheated on her. I think she always regretted divorcing her first husband. He was a good man and she felt she had been too impatient with him. She let her frustration get the better of her.

Olivia married in her late thirties and she and her husband had no children. Her husband always claimed that he was interested in sex but sex just never seem to materialize. When she would try to talk to him about the problem he would dodge, blameshift, or accuse her of being at fault. They divorced after about twenty years of marriage for several reasons but her sexual frustration was almost certainly part of the mix.

Isabella and her husband married in their mid thirties but they had no children. In her late thirties, Isabella noticed that their sex life was drying up. Isabella and her husband are now in their early sixties and they have not had sex together for well over 10 years. They get along quite well. Ironically, they are both very attractive people. Isabella is blonde, slender, and very fit and takes great pride in appearing attractive and youthful. She doesn't understand why her husband isn't interested in her sexually. From time to time she wonders if her husband might be having sex with other women.

How do you know so much about the sex life of one woman (who's not your wife), let alone three?

Its not just about withholding...its about the sex itself….

WH was serial cheater...our sex was unpredictable...we would go months, and now years without sex...because he was cheating with someone...and he saved it for them..he could no longer have sex that often... I was wrapped up in trying to catch this cheating.

Many times, I didn't desire sex...because he was a serial cheater...the mind movies were too much...zero work was the rest of that damage...

and then the selfishness...at some point, it really was all about him...if we did make the effort, it was wham bam thank you...there was no pleasure left...it was annoying at best..

and finally when WH had severe and complete ED, he went back to saving it for someone else... the newness was the closest he hoped for having sex....with testosterone treatments, and Viagra.....he wanted more, then he could do...which was equally frustrating...

This was not satisfying...this was not love. I couldn't even consider this sex...people say no for lots of reasons...something is not right...

and then the most rejecting of all....when he would stare, flirt, follow other women...in my company....and then use me later....as a tool... to satisfy himself.

I had every right to say no...I had to say no to protect myself, and my pride...he was out of control.

I have no doubt, his story would sound like the others...I withheld sex too much...????? everyone has their own reasons, and reality..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:15 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

just to (sort of) support - oftencheatedon - there is a place on the internet (not sure i can name it here), they have a sub called deadbedrooms - last time i looked over 100,000 people on it and loads of women....

Understand that while most of theses sites do not openly advocate for infidelity in these situations, they often view it as an acceptable solution for such.

For a BS, potential trigger situations will be plentiful.

Reading the responses from Cancuncrushed and lost - the pain there is unimaginable.

This is going to come off as judgemental but it’s not -it’s sincere. I am in awe that you have been able to stay. There was a recent post about whether a bs could stay if they were the wayward. I didn’t relate to that because the damage that I am working on- I caused it. I am culpable so there are consequences. My h did not do that, I am lucky he didn’t leave. And I made the comment that I think if roles were reversed with my husband I think I really would be inclined to stay and work it out.

Your posts make me wonder how far it would be for a true breaking point in that. Especially cancun’s post. For whatever reason you have chosen to stand by him after all of that - he does not deserve it - and providing sex in that scenario? I couldn’t do it either. I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, I truly just feel your pain with all that and am not sure how you have stood it.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:34 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

HO- not judgmental at all. You are right, it is hard to stay. I discussed this in IC yesterday. Since our issues are now all out in the open, IC suggested I give it a time frame. If it doesn’t get better, or it does, either way it’s not wasted time. I will have clarity either way. So I’m going to give it some time (I don’t know how much? Maybe three months?) to see if the dynamic changes. None of this is A related at this point. For either one of us. These are all marital issues that have become dealbreakers (at least for me).

To the person that said something about sex as an emotional connection for women, that’s what I hear from my wife all the time. It’s very rarely kids, work, school, etc. It is about her being able to “trust” me that I will treat her with “kindness”, which I’ll admit, I haven’t always done.

So, the clock has started for me. It’s time to put up or shut up.

It is about her being able to “trust” me that I will treat her with “kindness”

This just has me shaking my head in wonder. No thought of penance and trying to "win" you back instead.

No thought of penance and trying to "win" you back instead.

Sexually, the answer is no. HB for about 2-3 weeks back in 2016 and that’s been it. In other ways, the answer is yes. I don’t want to get into a whole list of what’s she’s done, as the OP’s initial post had to do with chronically being turned down for sex and sex being withheld by a spouse (usually the wife) occurring more often then those spouses care to admit.

I am 61 years old and I'd love to have a rich, loving, satisfying sexual relationship with my husband. I'd do it almost every day if I could. The problem is, I've been lied to so many times I can't count. He's a SA with a porn addiction and his addiction is his "affair partner" (that is, he's fooled around with other women a few times, but the porn is what he really hides and lies about and breaks promises over). Why would I have sex with someone who lies to my face? Why give myself to someone and open my soul in that special sexual way knowing that when I leave the house he gets on the computer and looks at images of other women, then lies and gaslights and actually reassures me that he would never hurt me that way again? He's 68, almost 69 years old. He's never going to change because he doesn't want to. I've got better things to do in my life than deal with that crap.

Losthope- the longer I have been here the longer I see that often infidelity is not the breaking point in the marriage. It’s damaging and painful - but the majority of the people in this site choose to try and work it out. What happens after is things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable. I fully believe that would be my outlook as well. That I would want more from the relationship and would not want to be in the same marriage that the affair occurred in. By reading, I think most ws’s have a very fragile opportunity that how it’s handled can make or break the process. I am not minimizing the damage of the affair - but it seems like as I have watched the divorce announcements they mostly have stemmed from the damage after dday. The continuing to lie, to work on themselves, to offer the bs better proof of their love and commitment.

I can understand a BW not wanting sex with their serial cheating husband or husband with sex, porn, or other addictions.i would feel that way for certain. It’s the reverse that is hard to fathom - the female ws who is not interested in sex with their BH. I can understand you would be at a breaking point when there was infidelity and your wife still can not muster desire for you. It would be a Clear message of total rejection. If she knows this information and does nothing with it - it would be impossible for me to continue in that situation. I would at least need “I want to see. Sex therapist” or “I am reading these books to help understand my issue” or something. Otherwise you would really only be left as the bs to decide “well, it’s me then”. I believe you are right, it is cruel. Does she see it or does she see this as a ploy to get more sex?

I know some females who aren’t really sexual - I raise my eyebrows as they tell me they don’t want their husband to go down on them or do this or that. (I am in utter amazement actually) So I know it’s probably my hyper-sexual teen years that might make me the one who is skewed in looking at it this way. Most of us are raised seeing sex as something people are trying to take from us and there are all sorts of messages that parents have as I was growing up that probably stunted some. My best friends mom one time declared during our outing “well she is still a virgin”. We were 26 and I laughed because I thought she was joking - to find out she was very serious in that was her belief. I know I am rambling now it’s just I really wonder the source of these things? Is it the relationship? Is it the chemistry? Or is it something more deep rooted and he person simply isn’t interested in pleasure? They don’t know how to go there? I really wish I understood it better but the friends that I know that are like this really will only go so far in even talking about it.

WornDown wrote >>>>How do you know so much about the sex life of one woman (who's not your wife), let alone three?<<<<

Not very complicated:

Step 1. Divorce.

Step 2. Date divorced women.

Step 3. Listen carefully.

People will tell you a lot about themselves, their relationships, their close friends, and their relationships if you are discreet and if you listen more than you talk. Just imagine what an experienced marriage and family therapist knows about things like sexuality and relationships. An unfaithful spouse can sometimes bestow an abiding curiosity about people, their relationships, and their sexuality.

[This message edited by Hephaestus2 at 1:18 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

Oftencheatedon wrote >>>>I hate when men start complaining about how their wives don't want sex and that's why they cheat<<<<

Your misandry is showing. Why not deploy the "shoe goes on the other foot" test? Do you find it less objectionable if a woman justifies her cheating by pointing to her husband's lack of interest?

Or how about Isabella in my other post? Her husband has "had a headache" or has been "too tired" every night for the last 10 years. Isabella is a normal, red blooded American woman. She is also very good looking. She wouldn't have any trouble finding someone to sleep with but she has remained faithful to her husband because she takes her promises seriously. She has tried to do everything she can think of to deal with the problem. Her husband frustrates her attempts to talk to him about it. He makes excuses or gets angry or employs any one of a thousand tactics to avoid dealing with it. What would you say Isabella should do? If she wound up in the sack with an old college boyfriend would you condemn her too?

[This message edited by Hephaestus2 at 1:28 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

Not very complicated:

Step 1. Divorce.

Step 2. Date divorced women.

Step 3. Listen carefully.

Or how about Isabella in my other post? Her husband

You date married women as well?

How is it misandry to point out that a lack of sex is not a reason to cheat? As for your question about Isabella, yes she should be condemned. There are other options to explore before an affair. One of them is divorce. I've never seen women on this site giving other women a pass for cheating. I'm sure it's happened but it isn't prevalent enough to find a pattern. Not even close. All cheaters are rightfully condemned here.

How is it misandry to point out that a lack of sex is not a reason to cheat?

Because the post was this...

I hate when men start complaining about how their wives don't want sex and that's why they cheat

instead of this...

"I hate when people start complaining about how their spouses don't want sex and that's why they cheat"

how 'bout them apples...

#ToxicAnythingSucks

[This message edited by NotTheManIwas at 1:57 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

I am not suggesting (and I don't think I have ever) that there is a valid reason to cheat. In reality, our A's (we are MH's) really should have broke us back in 2016. It was an escape for the everyday shitness of our M. My point is that when you both decide to R and go "all in", to me that means ALL the pre A issues. For my M, her lack of sexuality has not changed. Making me feel like a priority has not changed. Therefore, she's on a clock that is now ticking, whether or not she knows it. The thing is, having been D once already, the "fear" is not there for me to do it again. Financially, I am far better off with a current D then I was in the past. She has a lot to lose, more that I (financially speaking).

Farside, in your original post are you talking about a "sexual 180"? Stop doing things for her because she's not doing anything for me sexually? If so, valid advise. However, I'm past that. She's got a few months to get her shit together. If's she's going to be a prude, she can act that way for the next guy. I'm 47 and my dad died at 57 and my mom at 60. Longevity is not in my genes and I'm not waiting forever for this "emotional connection" to arrive. She was not always like this. She was quite open sexually when I met her. Having the twins 7 years ago shut the door on that. That's not longer a valid excuse.

My WH and I didn't have sex for 3 years before he had his A. I got fed up with him not spending time with me then coming to bed late after I was already in bed expecting quickie sex. He just wanted to use me rather than any lovemaking. There was no foreplay. I refused him. Instead of communicating with me his frustrations or doing anything to try in our marriage, he chose to cheat because she said all the right things.

Now I want sex but not with him. Why would I want to give him pleasure when he got pleasure by sneaking around behind my back and stabbing me in the back? All I think about is them together and I can't get that out of my head. It's a huge turnoff for me with him but I really want and need sex.

Losthope

You are 100% right. The obligation sex that I was getting was worse than no sex. For the last few years it was hurry up, it hurts, I’m dizzy, that’s gross. It was as if my ww planned it out to kill my desire for sex. Is there a handbook out there to do this? If so, she read it. A man who feels he can’t satisfy the one person he can be with, no longer has any confidence in any part of his life.

Sex

The obligation sex that I was getting was worse than no sex.

here, here

She's gone from accusing me of being over-sexed to is there something wrong with you because I show no interest now.

Yes, women need an emotional connection to have sex but men need sexual tonform that emotional connection. It’s easier for a woman to have sex than for a man to be emotionally connect. I understand how tired a woman can get with kids, but if you have all that time for the kids yet don’t take a few minutes for your husband, you send him the message you don’t want him. Also, the I’m tired because of kids reasoning must go away when the kids get older as does I’m out of shape because I had kids. Using that excuse when the kids are in high school doesn’t carry much weight.

You know what becomes clearer and clearer to me as I get older? The things I actually care about, I make time to do. The things I don't give a shit about, I don't make time for. People who don't make time for me aren't the greatest friends. If I find myself not making time for certain people, it's because I don't like them very much.

Everything else is an excuse. I'm not talking about singular or sporadic occurrences, I'm talking about patterns of behavior. If I want to do something bad enough, you better believe I'll eventually find the time to do it. I increasingly hold others to this same standard.